6 Ways of Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Marriage

A gorgeous young client of mine, who is dear to my heart, got married this weekend. I felt very honoured that she invited us in the small and intimate but truly beautiful celebration. It was such a pleasure to meet her family and friends, and to watch the couple step into this level of commitment. She and the groom, who are both very conscious people, had clearly put a lot of thought into meaningful traditions they wanted to include.

One beautiful custom they incorporated was the wedding sand ceremony. They both took turns pouring different coloured sand into one clear glass, forming a layered effect, expressing the coming together of their two souls into one new family. Then they shook the glass to mix the sand, symbolizing the strength of their relationship. Just as the sand cannot be parted neither can they. They are filled with optimism, love and joy as they are beginning their journey together as a new family.


Prior to this special day of hers, I was searching for some words of wisdom to share with her. I have seen her grow over the last few years, change into a powerful “manifestor” and attract the partner who is perfect for her. I have no doubt that their bond will increase with each passing day and that they will create a full and exciting life together. What advice is there that is actually useful when starting out as a married couple?

North Americans today have higher expectations than they historically ever did. We expect marriage to offer a route to self-discovery and personal growth. Time magazine author Belinda Luscombe, in the special edition on happiness, quotes Lisa Grunwald (who together with her husband Stephen Adler put together “The Marriage Book”), “The promise you make is not just to be faithful and true and to stay married, but to try and bring out the best in each other”. Couples can indeed “achieve an unprecedentedly high level of marital quality, but only if they are able to invest a great deal of time and energy into their partnership” (Eli Finkel).

The ones who know how to go about investing into their relationship would be couples who have been married for decades and have found ways to keep the love going. Karl Pillemer, a Cornell professor, interviewed 700 elderly people and recorded their wisdom in his book “30 Lessons for Loving”. The most important lessons about keeping the spark alive are

  1. Think Small (and Positive)

What keeps the love flame burning are the unexpected kind gestures, successfully long-term married couples say. Make a habit out of doing small, positive things for your partner. In other words, “turning towards” each other as Drs John and Julie Gottman advise, and having an accurate “Love Map” of your partner. That Love Map is a clear guideline to knowing what makes your partner happy or relieves their stress, and doing it often and unexpectedly. According to Pillemer’s interviews, three types of gestures when used frequently have a great impact on the relationship: surprises, chores and compliments. In the words of Gary Chapman, you are speaking these three out of five love languages of “doing services”, “words of affirmation” and potentially “giving gifts”.

Keeping the Spark Alive PIC 2


2. Become Friends

The importance of physical attraction to each other is a given. However, physical and sexual attraction are not enough to keep a relationship going over the long term. We grow older, our physical appearance changes, and friendship must become as much a part of the relationship as romantic love. The interviewed elders were also completely on board with Dr. John Gottman’s research on friendship among couples. Friends know how to have fun together and be good company for each other, no matter how long they have been together. Friends are also open to one another’s interests. The advice that these couples provided was to learn to enjoy your partner’s interests.

Keeping the Spark Alive PIC 3b


3. Expect An Active Sex Life

The elders describe their intimacy being as good or better than when they were younger. They have learned what their partner likes and they felt more secure and more comfortable with each other. The sexual spark changes and deepens, they say. “There is a kind of quietness there that’s quite deep. It’s very fulfilling. You feel a peaceful intimacy that’s in a way really more meaningful than the frenetic thing”, shares one of the men Pillemer talked to.

Keeping the Spark Alive PIC 4


4. Give up Grudges

Sometimes you hear the piece of advice “Don’t go to bed angry”. I have always felt that that was a bit of a cliché which worked for some people but not for others. What is a better and more useful piece of advice is “Don’t Hold Grudges”. When we keep resentment smouldering instead of resolving issues and letting go of the past, our relationship is in trouble. Most things we disagree about are not worth a long-term fight. Let hurts and conflicts truly go. Be quick to apologize and forgive. In fact, make forgiveness of your partner a regular practice.

Keeping the Spark Alive PIC 5


5. Get Help

If the spark feels like it’s dying, get help through counselling. Make a genuine and wholehearted attempt at working on the relationship. Relationships go through difficult periods. We might need to learn more successful communication skills, learn to forgive, or learn how to build a stronger relationship. The elders believe—and I wholeheartedly agree—that counselling or coaching is not just for overcoming a crisis but an important tune-up to keep the spark alive and to create a successful marriage or long-term relationship.

Keeping the Spark Alive PIC 6


6. Other “Secrets”

Some other “trade secrets” for keeping your marriage fresh, vibrant and exciting for a lifetime that the elders shared were: Take care of your physical appearance, travel more, reach out and engage together—for example in volunteer services—as a natural extension of your affection, embrace change, and last but not least, the beautiful advice to treat your relationship as if it was a “life-time date”.

Keeping the Spark Alive PIC 7

Would you like to make your marriage a “life-time date”? Does your relationship need a tune-up? You can take a workshop or book individual coaching sessions.


Belief Change and Relationship Coach Angelika,



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Making Mistakes

On Saturday, I was out to run a quick errand. The white Honda in front of me had slowly crept down the street at 40km/h. Now it was turning right, and so was I. The lane was clear to turn. The Honda started turning and then abruptly stopped. I hit his rear bumper. A gentle bump but still my front license plate scratched his bumper, making repairs necessary. It was my fault for hitting him.

On Tuesday, I got out of my late morning session with a client and found a text and a voice mail from one of my favourite clients who always has a long drive getting to Mississauga. Her text said, “I am here for my appointment, rang doorbell, no answer”. I pulled up the last email I sent to her. It clearly said, “Next appointment, Tuesday, July 4 at 10:00 a.m.”. Yet, I had entered her appointment into my calendar for Wednesday. I screwed up.

I had a week of quite a few things escaping my attention, a week of “screwing up” if you so like. A few important emails also slipped my mind and an important anniversary. A mistake, screw up or failure like the ones I experienced this week is exactly what brings a particular part inside of us to the forefront: our Inner Critic loves to use any mistake or situation of fault as an opportunity to blame and criticize us harshly.

I have been asked in the past, what is the most common limiting belief? As much as we are all individuals and have very individual beliefs which hold us back in life, I would say that the most common beliefs are the ones which make us feel not good enough. At the top of the list is the belief that it is not okay to make mistakes. We learn this early on and our school system often manifests this belief. Our Inner Critic loves to “pounce” on us and really beat us up for past decisions we regret or more recent mistakes that we feel we have made.

mistakes - movie clapper.jpg

What if we could instead see a mistake just as a “missed take”, like in the movies? In most cases, we get another chance for a “Take Two” or even a “Take Three” in life. And in those case where we don’t get another opportunity we really need to let ourselves off the hook, heal the past and forgive ourselves in the process. Any choice we have made in the past was made with the knowledge and wisdom we had at the time. From a place of greater knowledge, we might have made a different decision, yet, we need to be compassionate with that younger self that did not know what we know today.

We are part of the human race, and as humans we don’t always make the strongest choices. We all mess up, miss opportunities or make decisions we regret in retrospect. In fact, we can even take it a step further. It is not “making mistakes” that is often the problem but “not making mistakes”. “If you do not make enough mistakes, that’s evidence that you are not taking enough risks, that you are not growing, that you stay in the comfort of your own safety zone” (Rachel Naomi Remen). Making a mistake can be one of the best things which happen to us because it gives us a feedback. The discomfort we feel when we have made a mistake means that we are more likely to remember what we have learned—unless we allow fear to drive our future choices.

Fear combined with the expectation that the same mistake, rejection or loss will occur again increase the likelihood that we are co-creating that same situation of failure or loss once again. We need to acknowledge the fear and face it. How can we learn from the past without allowing fear to take over our present and future?

What keeps us stuck in a feeling of “unworthiness”, of “being a failure”, is not the mistake but the lack of self-forgiveness and self-compassion. The feeling of “not being good enough” has its foundation in shame. It prevents us from going out and trying again, whether that is going to take another professional risk or healing our losses or relationships. Shame vibrates at a very low level. According to David Hawkins’ scale of consciousness, it’s one of the lowest possible vibrations.

Hawkins Map-of-consciousness

The only way out of that swamp of shame and fear is through self-love and self-acceptance. “There is this place that we all have deep inside us that is untouched by trauma and shame.” (Mark Nepo) There is a deep wisdom inside of us. Our essential self knows that we are perfect and whole, that we are love and light. In meditation or hypnosis, we can experience that place of deep and profound love-ability.

Once we have experienced this, it is easier for us to change our narrative about ourselves. We can change our story from “I am flawed. I am not good enough” to a different inner narrative of “I am human. I make mistakes. And I learned from my past mistakes”. As we change our story, we do not just change our perspective, but we literally change our brain. When we change our story, we change our life.

Often we feel stuck, when we are at a point in our life when our story needs to change. We always have the choice between a victim story or an empowering story. We have the choice to bring up a loving supportive parent voice as opposed to the judgmental voice of our Inner Critic. You are after all not your Inner Critic; that voice is just a part inside of you. Separate from it. We all have the capacity to personify and create a visual image of this part in us. You can even give it a name. Pick a name that is a bit ridiculous to make the separation even clearer and easier.

We want to be able to identify the voice of the Inner Critic. We could communicate with it. Like all parts, it has a purpose. The Inner Critic sees its job in keeping us safe from outside criticism and rejection. You can thank your Inner Critic for how it’s been attempting to help you. You can even find out what that part fears for you. Let it know you appreciate it is trying to protect you from embarrassment.

inner child - little girl

The second step is to bring up a loving parental voice and to connect with our vulnerable inner child that needs to hear and feel support and compassion. If you find it challenging to tell an empowering and self-compassionate story in a given situation, imagine the story someone who loves you tells about you, different from the story you tell yourself. Or imagine what you would say to a friend or a child in a similar situation. The Inner Critic talks to us in a way we would never dream of talking to somebody else, especially not a child. When we speak to others, we know exactly what words are encouraging, uplifting and motivating to do better next time.

Here is an exercise you can do to practice separating from your Inner Critic. Think about a choice you regret, or a moment in which you felt a sense of failure or shame. Imagine sharing this moment with a wise and loving friend. What would that friend say to you? They would most likely first of all show compassion and say something along the lines of “that sounds so difficult” or “I am sorry you had to experience this”. The second thing they might do is empathize and respond with something like, “I know how you feel. We have all experienced something similar.” The third thing they might do is remind you how lovable and amazing you are. They might encourage you not to give up but to try again. You can even write a letter to yourself pretending to be this compassionate, wise and unconditionally loving friend.

Compassion is not so much a trait but an action. I recently came across another interesting suggestion to increase our awareness of being compassionate. Get a pretty glass jar. For each time that you are compassionate with yourself (or others) you place a beautiful stone or colourful marble in the jar. The accumulation of crystals, stones or marbles becomes visual evidence for how compassionate you can be with yourself. When you do something self-critical, you can look at the jar and remember that those compassionate acts are not taken away and that the glass is just waiting for the next colourful token.

Glass Jar 2.JPG

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Angelika, Belief Change Coach & Relationship Coach

905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Do not ask me not to feel!

Last week, I had the pleasure of seeing one of my daughters on stage as Marianne Dashwood in the play “Sense and Sensibility”, based on Jane Austin’s novel. It was an amazing performance, drawing you in with laughter and tears, and transporting you back to England in 1792.

The confining atmosphere of society gossip and the desperation of many of the female characters to need to make a good match leaves you with an eerie feeling. The necessity of marrying well is one of the central themes of the story. In Austen’s era, a woman’s survival depended on her ability to acquire a husband, if possible, an affluent one. The more manipulative and cunning women were often the ones who ended up winning this game for the wealthy spouses. Yet, the two main female characters, Elinor and Marianne, end up finding true love and happiness without manipulation.

Sense and Sensibility, sisters and beaus

Performance and photography by Cawthra Park Secondary School

I could muse on the Universal theme of being rejected in love, or the patriarchal society and how patriarchal beliefs still affect us at a subconscious level today. However, what fascinates me most is the relationship of the two eldest Dashwood sisters. In the development of the story, the friendships of the sisters and what they learn from each other is at least as important as their relationships with their love interests.

Elinor and Marianne Dashwood are complete opposites. Every female reader or audience member can identify with either the older one or the younger one. They are a perfect example for how siblings carry each others shadow traits. Elinor is all “sense” and reason, while Marianne represents “sensibility” and feelings. Elinor makes cautious decisions based on rational considerations, on what is prudent and proper, while Marianne lives life impulsively and on an emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows, being guided by her feelings alone.

Sense and Sensibility, Elinor

Neither one of them is “whole”, as they have disowned the opposite energy represented by their sister. Just as Marianne needs to learn to adopt some of Elinor’s restraint and not to wear all her feelings on her sleeve, Elinor can learn to express her deeper emotions, warmth and spontaneity more.

We all have different primary personality parts and other more disowned parts or sub-personalities. As we witness Marianne’s impulsiveness which throws all caution or restraint to the wind, we recognize that part in all of us. We might anticipate and fear disaster for her as the story unfolds. We feel disappointment and sorrow when her love relationship with John Willoughby does not unfold as she anticipated.

Sense and Sensibility, Marianne

Marianne’s sorrow is frightening to Elinor, who just wants her sister to stop sobbing and to compose herself. But Marianne cannot help but live life from her primary self of passion. She exclaims, “Leave me, hate me, forget me, but do not ask me not to feel!” After almost dying from a serious fever and her “broken heart”, Marianne eventually learns to appreciate the value of a quieter and less glamorous admirer in the older Colonel Brandon. She begins to embrace the more level-headed energy which Elinor has been mirroring for her. She also has to forgive John Willoughby for breaking her heart and let go of the past to move forward with the Colonel, the better man.

Sense and Sensibility, Marianne sick

The story invites us to examine where in our lives we are out of balance between our rational and emotional sides, between caution and impulsiveness, between wearing a mask of civility and being our spontaneous and honest self. The plot calls us to consider how we show up in our relationships: passive or active, reluctant or forward-moving, polite or authentic. We are also encouraged to examine if we are stuck in the past and if we need to forgive somebody and let go, in order to move forward in our relationships.

We all grow up identifying with certain traits or parts in us and rejecting others. Jane Austin’s tale invites us to discover what we have disowned which might be useful to us. Accepting the ambivalence and moving beyond dualistic thinking of right and wrong, black and white, involves re-conceptualizing who we think we are and opening up to greater wholeness of our deeper selves.

What traits do you identify with and which opposite traits or shadows have you perhaps disowned? Do you feel judgment towards people who display what you have rejected for yourself? How does this affect you in your life or hold you back in your relationships?

Shadow work is one of the techniques I use as a Life Coach. If you are curious to find out more, contact me for a FREE phone consultation.

Angelika, 905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

You can also check the “Upcoming Workshops” schedule for the next four-day Shadow Energetics training or contact me for individual sessions.

If you are enjoying my articles, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

Haunted By the Past

“I don’t need to forgive”, Maria said. “I have moved on and built my own life. My father is the one who left us for this woman. He was always a selfish man. He doesn’t deserve to see me or meet his grandchildren. He will only hurt us again. Also, my mother would be so upset if I forgave him…”

Maria came to me with relationship issues with her husband and children and with depression. As much as Maria claimed that she had let go and moved on, she was still emotionally and energetically hooked into the past. She, understandably, was afraid to get hurt again. She felt the need to continue to punish her father for something that happened 25 years ago. She only had contempt for him and his second wife. She hadn’t ever grieved the loss of her father or forgiven him. She loved her mom and felt that she owed it to her mother to hang on to the hurt and anger.

Maria was looking at forgiveness from the traditional point of view, and was asking, “Why should I be the one to forgive? What he did was disloyal and wrong. My mother and I were the ones who were hurt.” She blamed him for her pain and for what he did to her mother. In her eyes, he abandoned and wronged them. They were the victims.


New Thought Forgiveness looks at forgiveness quite differently. When we forgive, we are not excusing what the other person did. However, when we know that we are always co-creators of our reality, we need to question the idea of perpetrator and victim. This view of forgiveness acknowledges that anger, hurt and shame of past events affect us emotionally, mentally and physically in the present, often on a daily basis. We can choose at any time to move from being a lifelong victim into freedom. In order to achieve that freedom, we need to drop into our hearts and ask our heart’s intuitive wisdom and guidance, “What is there for me to learn or overcome and what gift does this situation have for me? How can I take responsibility for my own feelings and beliefs?” And most importantly, “what do I need to do to be free and joyful again?”


When we forgive others, we free ourselves from allowing the experience to adversely affect our life in the present. When we truly forgive, we reclaim our power, the power to decide if and how that past event will affect each moment now. Forgiveness and letting go allows us to get on with living a joyful life, the life we were meant to live. “Until you forgive, you still have an energetic connection to the past person or event.” (Dhebi DeWitz)

Gregg Braden explains how forgiveness allows us to clear out our anger, judgments, and pain regarding specific events in our lives. And Dhebi DeWitz summarizes in “The Messenger Within”: “It does so without condoning the action, pardoning the behaviour, or absolving what has happened. It simply acknowledges that the event occurred. Forgiving does not mean the other person is no longer held accountable for his or her actions because those do have consequences. Nor does it relinquish responsibility.

It simply means that when we bless and forgive the people, circumstances, and events that hurt us in life, we are acknowledging their existence, and by doing so, it allows the hurt to move out of our being.”


Energetically, we have kept the people we have not forgiven imprisoned within us. As their prison guard, we have bound ourselves together with them, instead of letting them and the incident go. The others are unaware we have put them into this jail inside ourselves. The only ones who suffer are us by putting ourselves into that prison with them. No matter what they have done or didn’t do, people will always experience energetic consequences. The law of cause and effect always works.


Maria had to admit that a lot of her energy and her thoughts directly or indirectly revolved around what her father had done. Each time she visited her mother or spoke to her on the phone, Maria silently blamed her father for her mother’s depression. Whenever she had a fight with her own husband, Maria found herself calling him selfish and thinking “Typical men! They are all the same!” All this was pain she was giving herself based on the experiences she had and the beliefs she had learned growing up.

Forgiveness is a choice to release, to let go, freeing up the energy that binds us into the past and blinds us to any other perspective. We can choose to let go of the old emotions stored in our body and establish new, more supportive beliefs. Forgiveness is for our own healing. It releases us from energy patterns that contribute to emotional and physical pain, to illness or to energy drain. Hate, anger, hurt, sadness, shame and other suppressed emotions affect our overall health.


The reason why it is usually not enough to simply decide to forgive is that forgiveness is not an intellectual process. The conscious decision to forgive is only the first step. Forgiveness happens at the level of the heart and includes our subconscious mind.

One such process of letting go is the “Blessing of Forgiveness Process”, developed by Dhebi DeWitz from The Heart And Soul Academy, which includes three parties:

One such process of letting go is the “Blessing of Forgiveness Process”, developed by Dhebi DeWitz, which includes three parties:

  1. Those who inflicted the suffering
  2. Those who suffer
  3. Those who witnessed the suffering


  1. Forgiveness of Others:

Forgiveness is not for the other person. The real reason we forgive is because we don’t want to suffer and feel hurt every time we remember what they said, did or didn’t do. Have you ever considered that nothing anyone ever does is because of you (Don Miguel Ruiz)? What somebody did to you has absolutely nothing to do with you, but only with them.

Maria’s father did not leave her because she was “not enough,” but because he was longing for love and his own happiness. The actions of the offending person are a result of the beliefs and learned behaviours of that person at that time. People are dealing with their own inner anguish and turmoil. Maria’s father did not know how to improve the relationship with her mother and did what many people do: he moved on to the next relationship. The actions that hurt Maria were a reaction to the suffering that played out in her father’s own mind, and that he acted upon while involving Maria and her mother. He simply acted based on his perceptions that his marriage was over, on the pain that he carried within him from his own childhood and on his longing for love and happiness.

Once we have this awareness, it helps us to not take what the other person did personally, and then—with the understanding that we are all human, and with compassion for the other person’s perception—it will lead us to true forgiveness. By forgiving others, we are still acknowledging the existence of their hurtful actions, but by doing so with heart-consciousness rather than the mind alone, we allow the hurt we have taken in so deeply to be released from our body. We can rationalize all we want, but until we forgive in our heart, the person, event, or circumstance has the power to haunt us. On the other hand, when we truly forgive, it frees us from the limitations we have placed upon ourselves, and allows us to live in greater joy and happiness.

  1. Forgiveness of Yourself:

Often, we forget that the people we most need to forgive are ourselves. We might have directly or indirectly contributed to the painful event, but even if we didn’t, we have to forgive ourselves for taking whatever happened to us in too deeply – so deep that it shut us down, kept us helpless and small, and paralyzed us from living fully in this present moment. (Debbie Ford). We also might need to forgive ourselves for judging ourselves. In which ways have you been unkind to yourself? What have you blamed yourself or judged yourself for?

Maria realized she never felt good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, loveable enough. She was usually critical with herself, beating herself up for not being a good daughter, a good wife or a good mother. She also had to forgive herself for taking in too deeply that her father left her mother, so deeply that she never wanted to see him again and that it made her afraid to trust men, including her own husband.

  1. Blessing of the Witnesses:

Her father left his first family when Maria was ten. Her mother refused to let her have contact with her paternal grandparents. Her grandparents were helpless witnesses to the suffering, feeling unable to do anything. Maria blamed them for not taking clear sides for her and her mother. Maria had learned from her mother that there were sides to take. Revisiting the situation as an adult and putting herself in her grandparents’ shoes, she realized their confusion and helplessness.

The people who were bystanders of the painful event, like Maria’s grandparents, carry a part of the energetic imprint of the event within them. They might have felt powerless or helpless to prevent the pain and suffering in the past and they might still suffer from their inability to comfort or help in the present. “When we bless those who have witnessed the suffering, it releases their energetic cords or connection to the situation.” (Dhebi DeWitz)


Forgiveness in all three cases means letting go of the past and cutting energetic chords which drain us. Not to forgive is a choice to remain in what is familiar, the emotional pain. “If we say, ‘I just can’t forgive’, then what we are really saying is, ‘I prefer to live with my emotional poison, with my pride and my anger. I prefer not to move from this place of suffering.’” (Dhebi DeWitz)

We might not always be able to forgive everything in one go and we might have to do a heart-centred forgiveness process or ritual several times, but the choice not to forgive at all is the choice to continue being a victim and to remain in anger and pain.


Are you interested to experience and learn Dhebi DeWitz’ Blessing of Forgiveness Process and other ways of forgiving from your heart?

Join me for this workshop:

Sunday, March 19 from 10:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m.

Topic: Forgiveness

LOCATION: Mississauga

Fee: EARLY BIRD $67 (by Feb. 14), $80 thereafter



The Blessing of Forgiveness Process is also available in Dhebi DeWitz book “The Messenger Within”.

If you are enjoying my articles, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

Angelika, 905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca




“You are mad-sad”

 movie Home 1

Have you ever been mad-sad? Then you are a typical human being as the alien character “Oh” discovers when he makes friends with the human girl, Tip, in the animated movie “Home”.

What is mad-sad? Mad-sad is when you get angry but deep underneath you are sad. Tip is sad that her mother was relocated and separated from her by the aliens when they invaded the planet earth. She is ready to fight the world. Her angry part has stepped forward to protect her vulnerability. When Oh discovers what is underneath her anger, he says with surprise, “You are mad-sad”. What appears to be anger is really sadness and grief for her loss.

 movie Home 2

Sometimes we are mad-sad, other times we are mad-scared. A parent might be mad-scared because their child is failing in school and they are worried about their future, or because their teenager has made a decision which has put them in danger. We might get mad scared when we are in the passenger’s seat of a vehicle and the driver has a different driving style which makes us feel unsafe. How much more successful would our communication be if we could express our fear rather than our anger? Yet, anger is an automatic response triggered by fear. It takes practice to communicate differently.

When we feel overwhelmed, we also sometimes snap faster and respond with anger. Have you ever felt really bogged down by everything you had to do and as you were busy focussing on getting some work done, another person needed something and you replied with impatience or even anger? That could be called mad-stressed.

In all these cases of mad-sad, mad-scared or mad-stressed, the anger serves the purpose to protect the vulnerable part of us deep inside. Anger is a driving force. In Tip’s case, it drives her to search for her mom. Anger also feels better than helplessness and is an intuitive response when we feel unsafe or afraid for somebody else.

 Movie Home Gorg

The evil character of the movie from another alien race, called the Gorg, turns out to be mad-sad, mad-scared and most likely also mad-stressed. Without being aware, Oh’s alien race has stolen his babies, the entire next generation, which means extinction for the Gorg. When Oh is brave enough to face the Gorg, he realizes that this intimidating monster is really deeply vulnerable and just trying to save and protect himself and his family.

Have you heard of people who get “hangry”? When they are hungry they become grouchy or angry. To stay with our pattern, that would be called mad-hungry. There also is mad-tired. Have you ever been so tired and found that your protective defences were coming up when others are interacting with you in this state. My daughter, who works mainly overnight shifts, is not a happy camper when approached in a tired state. She gets mad-tired. Everybody in our family knows she has just reached her limit and her irritation is a feedback for us.

Next time you or somebody else shows up as angry, remember that there is usually some other emotion underneath the anger. That deeper emotion or need has to be addressed. Just as we know we need to feed ourselves when we are hangry, we also need to feed the other emotions or needs.

When we feel angry the question usually is, what exactly is underneath the anger? It might be Sadness? Loneliness? Fear or insecurity? Frustration? Overwhelm?

  • Sadness gives us the feedback that we perceive the loss of a person, an experience or a feeling. What needs to be done to make up for that loss, to replace the experience we have lost?
  • Loneliness gives us the message that we have a healthy longing for companionship and love. How can we enjoy our own company more, love ourselves more and also draw in other people as companions?
  • Fear or insecurity means that our subconscious is convinced something is not safe, and/or that we are not good enough in some way. What beliefs can be changed to alter how we see ourselves and the world?
  • Frustration gives us the feedback that something that we have been doing is not working. What do we need to do differently, so that the frustration does not tip over into depression?
  • Overwhelm is a signal to do a reality check, to limit, to organize, to prioritize, to say “no” and to delegate.

Anger also sometimes gives us the feedback that we perceive something as unfair. The first question is: Is or was it really unfair? If not, change your perspective. If the answer is yes, find a way to make fair if the event is in the present, or let go and forgive if you are angry at something which lies in the past.

movie Home 4

All feelings are good! Our emotions are our guidance system. All feelings and emotions give us feedback on what is going on. They are a call to action. Anger is good. It is like an indicator light that something needs to be looked at, but it also serves as a driving force to make changes.


Belief Change Coaching, Forgiveness Work, Shadow Work



 Wearing Angela's T-shirt

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Unity Consciousness

If you leave a print of your five fingers on a glass or a mirror, you see five separate dots. On the level of the glass, your fingers appear to be completely unattached to each other. However, on the higher level of our three-dimensional perception, we can see that all five fingers are connected to the same hand

Hand on Glass 1

That we are all separate and alone and that we have to fend for ourselves is a huge illusion. Just in the same way those five dots were made by one hand, we are all connected and part of the same living system. We breathe, live and thrive as one. If we hurt part of the system, we are hurting ourselves.

“Feelings of separation that result from the feared inability to love or to be loved frequently bring illness into our lives. Illness is often a cry for help, a call for love and a deeper sense of connectedness in one’s life.” (Leonard Laskow)

The mentality of “me/us versus them” is the root of fear, anger, violence and disease. The feeling of separation, of being alone, unsupported and unloved breeds Illness. It has been scientifically proven that frustration, anger and fear weaken our immune system. If you are angry at somebody, you are energetically hooked to that person, giving your power away and allowing your emotional, mental and physical wellness to be compromised. You might as well be drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

“When the illusion of separation dissolves at a spiritual level, love allows us a state of oneness that harmonizes even the seemingly dissonant patterns of illness and injury.” (Leonard Laskow)

If we do our own physical, mental and emotional work, including forgiving and letting the past go, we can heal anything. An important part of that healing is to develop our loveability, our ability to love ourselves and others. When we exchange the “I” in I-llness with a “We”, the result is We-llness; wellness for all. Love is the impulse towards unity. Through Love and connectedness, we can heal and become whole again. We can experience our oneness, our universal relatedness.

That Healing Love is not a romantic love; it is far beyond that experience. It is an unconditional, all-accepting love for everybody. It is a love free of judgments, without expectations or conditions. It is a love which does not need to be earned or learned, it just needs to be stepped into, expressed and received. When we tap into true heart-centredness, into loving ourselves and others, we establish a link between us and everybody else. Fear completely dissipates.


I am extremely grateful to have wonderful friends and amazing fellow practitioners whose goal it is to raise the awareness for our oneness and to foster the unity consciousness. Matt Scherb of Possibility Omega s one of them. He has initiated a huge project to make the Golden Horseshoe one of the healthiest communities on earth.

Two other amazing friends are Lisbeth and Ed Fregonese who organize a fabulous Expo for heart-centred practitioners and vendors in the Burlington/Hamilton area every spring and fall.

BWWE March 2014 Morning Event

Our next Expo is on May 31 and features Hay House author Dr. Steven Farmer as our key note speaker. Dr. Farmer also offers workshops in the week following the Expo. For more information on the additional workshops go to Stephen Farmer’s website www.earthmagic.net or contact his Ontario sponsor Beth McBlain 416-580-7434, beth.mcblain@gmail.com

Stephen Farmer 2

If you are free on May 31, come out to the Holiday Inn in Burlington to join the morning speakers (limited seating, you need to register) and to meet approximately 110 practitioners and vendors who are sampling their services or products for free until 6:00 p.m. that day. Nobody else offers such an opportunity for this price. The tickets are only $25 in advance ($30 plus HST at the door) and you can buy them from me or any other practitioner who takes part in this event.

BWWE March 2014 Table

I have some paper tickets available. Contact me by phone or e-mail to purchase a ticket or click here to follow the steps on my website to purchase tickets online.

Angelika Baum



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Receiving Guidance

Oracle cards are an ancient method to receive guidance. They can help to answer questions we have about an issue we are faced with and to access our intuitive wisdom. Based on the spiritual Law of Attraction, certain cards show up which are related to what our soul already knows but we are not able to see clearly, because it is just on the edge of our consciousness. The cards help bring forth that inner knowing into our conscious awareness. They provide insights into those previously submerged thoughts, feelings and beliefs which we need to become aware of and work with. The insights can show us which thoughts and beliefs we might want to alter so that we can make choices which are congruent with our soul’s purpose.

 Oracle Cards2

One of my favourite card decks is “Messages from Your Animal Spirit Guides” by Stephen Farmer, who is going to be our key note speaker at the 2015 Burlington Wholistic Wellness Expo on May 31. Farmer is a shamanic practitioner, minister and psychotherapist and the author of several books about spirit animals, also called totem animals or power animals. This beautiful illustrated deck of cards features different animals and gives us a brief message from each of them. The accompanying guide book includes a longer description on how to interpret each card’s general meaning.

You can use oracle cards like these on your own, or in a group. Centre yourself and set a clear intention or ask a clear question. The question can be very specific or open ended like “What do I need to know right now?” One way to receive the answer is to shuffle the deck. Sometimes a card seems to fall out. Trust that “coincidence” that this is your card. If no card “jumps out”, stop shuffling when you get the intuitive sense to do so. Then pull a card either from the top of the deck or anywhere in the deck that you are guided to draw from. As you look at the card, pay attention to the first thing that comes to mind. Which parts of the card’s message resonate with you and how?

Last weekend, at our monthly PSYCH-K® practice group, which I offer for the students of Darryl Gurney’s classes, we used Stephen Farmer’s card deck to receive additional insights on which beliefs everybody might want to change. Three cards showed up more than once which was interesting as the participants worked together in groups of two. The same subjects re-emerged for everybody to pair up in teams with a matching topic. Some of the cards which showed up were the boar, the blue heron, the walrus and the bumblebee.

 Oracle Card - Boar

The boar encourages to “face your problems head-on with confidence and courage, and you will emerge victorious”. It’s a call to dig in and rummage around until you have discovered how to solve the current problem you have. Then you need to take immediate action to remedy it. Emerging victorious could be to either having conquered the problem or having changed your thinking about the situation, or both. Possible statements to balance might be “I deserve to get what I want” or “I always succeed in my endeavours” or “I am confident in my decisions”. Obviously each individual situation somebody is facing will give this message a personal aspect of what supportive beliefs are needed.

 Oracle Card - Blue Heron

The blue heron asks to “make a stand for what you believe in and do what feels right in spite of any judgment or disapproval from others”. Trust your deepest sense of knowing what the best action is for you. Don’t rely on others telling you what to do or on their assessment of you. Possible beliefs to change might be “I care less and less what other people think” or “I trust my own opinion and feelings” or “It’s ok for me to displease others to be true to myself”.

 Oracle Card - Walrus

The walrus warns to “remain vigilant about the current situation; pay attention to signs and omens, and let them dictate your choices”. Watch, listen and feel. Be aware of your dreams and other messages. You might want to journal and watch out for repetitions. Does it feel like a certain career situation or relationship is a call to set clear boundaries and to make new choices or changes? Possible beliefs to balance might be “I release all fear and attachment to a specific outcome” or “I trust the guidance I receive” or “I make conscious choices”.

 Oracle Card - Honeybee

The honeybee advises to “let compassion and forgiveness be your top priority in this situation”. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, it does not mean saying somebody was wrong or right, it does not mean loving a person, it just means to release and free up the energy we have bound up with the feelings we have about a certain person or situation. Forgiveness requires that we acknowledge and accept responsibility for our judgments and that we release them. To forgive means to go beyond right and wrong. Sometimes we forget the most important person when we forgive: ourselves. Possible statements can be “I forgive… (insert person’s name) for … (insert what they have done or didn’t do)” or “I forgive myself for… “



is the gift that you give yourself

that frees you from the pain

that you gave yourself by judging others negative.


Angelika 905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

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The Number One Quality of a Healer

What is the one quality that all successful healers have in common? Science shows it is Love. Now, what does that mean?

Love is a very misunderstood word. It is a, “portmanteau” or “suitcase word”, a word which is an umbrella for so many different feelings. We open up the suitcase with the label “Love” and we throw all sorts of things in it. We use it from “I love chocolate” to “I fell in Love” to “I love God”.

Dr. Laskow & wife.

Leonard  Laskow  & his wife Sama

Leonard Laskow, MD took love into the laboratory and experimented with bacteria and cancer cells. His definition of this complex vibration is:

“Love is the awareness of relatedness

and the impulse towards unity.”

(Leonard Laskow)

What we love, we want to become one with; that could be food, nature, another person. There is a movement towards unity. Unconditional Love means unconditional acceptance and moving into resonance with something or somebody. Dr. Laskow found that going into resonance heals because unconditional love resolves duality to unity. The key to healing is becoming one with whatever you want to heal rather than to fear it, repress it or fight it.

When you strike an A tuning fork and bring it close to another A tuning fork, that second tuning fork will also begin to vibrate. Similar frequencies vibrate with each other. Just as one tuning fork vibrates with another we can also be in that resonance with each other.

Resonance is not an example of love. You can be angry with somebody and be in an angry resonance. However, when you are in a loving state, resonance is always present.

Love doesn’t create unity but it reminds us of what we tend to forget: That we are all connected, we are all one! This is a time of remembering our oneness. Love is awakening to oneness at the deepest level. We live in a world of apparent separation and Love reminds us of the illusion of separation.

In the lab, Dr. Laskow discovered that he had the greatest impact by coming into resonance with the bacteria, or in other words, total unconditional acceptance of the bacteria’s existence, without any judgment.

Dr. Laskow then introduced an intention into the field of coherence. Coherence is a stronger form of resonance; he explains that he became “like a human laser”. Love plus an intention reduced the growth rate of bacteria by 50% as opposed to the control group,

Everything that we resist, persists. Bacteria resists being killed or destroyed, but there is no resistance when they are loved.

With cancer cells, he explored different intentions. The most powerful intention, which brought the greatest results was for the cancer cell to “return to the natural order, harmony and growth rate of its pre-hyper active cell line”. Instead of focusing on killing the cells, he focused on them becoming what they originally were.

The more energy or feeling is put into an intention the more effective it is. Another interesting find was that by coupling a thought form with an image the results were doubled. He was able to reduce the growth of a cell by 40% instead of 20% when he added an image to the thought. He was also able to stimulate the growth rate by 15% with thought plus imagery.

The bottom line of all the experiments is: Love plus Intention have a real impact on cancer cells and therefore on healing.

Based on his research in the lab, he developed his workshops and called this technique of Healing with Love, HOLOENERGETICS®. Holoenergetics means healing with the energy of the whole, which is greater than the sum of the parts.

Dr. Laskow concluded that if separation is an illusion, it must take energy to keep the illusion up. If all this energy is released by bringing people back into wholeness, all the energy is freed up for healing. The energy of love is released and facilitates the healing. Love is not necessary for physical healing because the body knows how to heal, but at times just the release through love is sufficient for physical, emotional and mental healing.

Holoenergetics teaches a particular breathing technique to go into a whole brain state, in which both hemispheres of the brain come into a beautiful place of balance. He also teaches how to breathe into the space at the back of your heart and become an observer from that place. The practitioners learn to transpersonally align with another person from heart to heart. The most important quality for the practitioner is to develop and to hold that field of coherent love.

Holoenergetics includes tracing of an emotional or physical issue. Through the tracing process, we go back to the root cause of when a separation happened, either through an experience or an interpretation of a situation which crystallized into a belief of being separate, not good enough and so on. In the process, the experience and the limiting beliefs are cleared out and then replaced by what we really wanted to feel and believe at that time.

My personal favourite is the Holoenergetics Forgiveness Process. I have written many blogs on the healing power of Forgiveness. In this process, it might seem like you are forgiving the other person but it’s all really about you. Truly letting go of the energy of anger, resentment, sadness or hurt frees you up for your own healing, evolution and growth. And within that process, the most important person to forgive yourself is your younger selves. Judgment and anger at ourselves is what separates us from our true essence and veils what we are at the core of our being: Love.


Are you curious about Holoenergetics?

Darryl Gurney is finally teaching a Holoenergetics class again in the GTA:


Holoenergetics Workshop

Friday, March 6 – Sunday, March 8, 2015


9:00 a.m. – 6:30 p.m.


Milton or Mississauga

EARLY BIRD: $575 or ($550 when you bring a friend)– if $150 deposit received before February 12, $650 thereafter (Prices include tax)


Who is Your Instructor?


Darryl Gurney


Half Your Parent

A friend of mine made an interesting remark a few days ago. Being divorced and having co-parented with not just one, but two ex-partners, she said the key piece for her was to never-ever, under any circumstances, speak negatively about the other parent to the children. Now, we have all heard this before and might think that is a nice ideal. However, we assume that if we cannot keep our perspective of the other parent to ourselves it is not a big deal either. Is that really true?

parents & child

My friend’s reasoning for why this was the key piece of healthy co-parenting to her should convince anybody. A child usually feels they are “half their parent”. We are taught to believe that we have inherited some characteristics and character traits from one parent, some from the other. Very often we are told things like “You have your father’s smile” or “You have your mother’s sensitivity”. Very often we even hear “You are so much like your father/mother”.

When you really watch a child closely as somebody is speaking in a dismissive or derogative manner about one of his/her parents, you can feel sadness and shame or even anger. If we believe we are half of each parent and are being told that the other parent is bad in some way, is not enough, is too this or too that, we learn to also feel that we are not enough. We believe we must also be flawed.

Not speaking in a derogative manner about the other parent is therefore not about the ex-partner at all, not about who has hurt whom, but solely a gift I can give my child to feel good about her- or himself.

With that knowing in mind, can we even perhaps take it a step further and speak in an affirmative and positive fashion about the other parent? No matter what we think about him or her, can we focus on their good side and point those strengths and admirable personality traits out to the children? Surely there is something we can say about the person we used to love and live with which will teach our child that they are amazing.

So next time you are about to say with rolled eyes and an exasperated sigh, “You are just like your mother/father” bite your tongue and think of something good to say about the other parent and ultimately about your own child.


Relationship and Belief Change Coaching, Forgiveness and Letting Go



The Magic Potion to Create Harmonious and Loving Relationships

Are you struggling with your relationship with a particular family member, perhaps with a parent, sibling or child?

Is your marriage or partnership not harmonious or truly loving?

Are you single and do you want to attract a romantic relationship into your life?

Are you getting separated or divorced, and do you want the transition to be as positive as possible?


If I had a magic potion and could give you the relationships you want, what would that look like?

Guess what! YOU have that magic potion yourself. You can create relationships that unfold with ease, joy, and grace. Your relationships can be filled with love, harmony, peace, happiness, and acceptance. Even your relationship with an ex-partner can be cooperative and friendly.

All you have to do is mix your magic potion in the right way; the basic ingredients are working on your own beliefs, thoughts and feelings, and embodying loving kindness, forgiveness and acceptance.

We can never change another person but we can change ourselves. As you change your perception of the relationship you have to another person—as you shift how you feel about him/her and what he/she did—your entire experience changes.

The people we love are usually the best mirrors for us. They bring to our awareness issues we need to work on within ourselves. We can then shift out of judgment and into acceptance. As we confront and befriend the shadows they are showing us in our own being, we no longer get triggered by those loved ones.

Behind every experience there are beliefs and expectations.

If I judge a family member or partner, the relationship will lack mutual acceptance, appreciation and love. The change begins with me changing my judgments and feelings.

If I believe that I am not lucky with romantic relationships, “not being lucky” will be exactly the experience I have. The change starts with moving into a new expectation.

If I view my ex-partner as an enemy, the relationship will be one of disharmony. Change can happen when I am willing to let go of the past  and expect the best now and in the future.

For Shadow Work or Belief Changes with Psych-K and Hypnosis, contact Angelika



Why should I be the one to forgive?

If you are looking at forgiveness from the traditional point of view, you might ask, “Why should I be the one to forgive? I was right, the other person was wrong. I was the one who was hurt!”

You might also wonder if by forgiving you are giving them a free licence to hurt you or your loved ones again. You might fear opening yourself up to the same hurtful experiences once again.

Traditional Forgiveness says, ‘You have done something to me; you are to blame for how I feel. You wronged me but I forgive you anyways.’ The view is that I am the victim.

New Thought Forgiveness asks ‘Why have I attracted you into my life? What is there for me to learn and overcome? What gift are you bringing into my life by being a mirror for me? How can I take responsibility for my own feelings and beliefs?’

Forgiveness IS NOT

– condoning or excusing what the other person did

– forgetting that the experience happened

– denying your feelings or saying that you are not supposed to have them

– loving the other person or even choosing to be around them

Forgiveness IS

– letting go of the story that you are a victim

– claiming your true power

– taking back your energy that you have tied up in the past

– taking responsibility for your feelings of hurt, shame, guilt, blame, anger or judgment

– intended solely for your own healing

– an act of self-love and self-respect that sets you free

– “for giving” yourself love, healing, growth, evolution and freedom

“Forgiving others is a gift to yourself, given not because the other deserves pardon,
but because you deserve the serenity and joy that comes from releasing resentment and anger, and from embracing universal forgiveness.” (Jonathan Lockwood Huie)

Forgiving does not mean forgetting; it also does not mean loving others. We can choose to forgive but still not love. It simply means taking back the energy that we have tied up with feelings for someone else.

“Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner!” (Max Lucado)

In a sense, we have kept the people we have not forgiven imprisoned within us. We have been standing outside their jail door to make sure they do not escape. As their guard, we have bound ourselves together with them, instead of letting them and the incident go.

Forgiveness is the gift that you give yourself, the gift that frees you from the pain that you gave yourself by judging others. Forgiveness is a choice to release, to let go; freeing up the energy that binds and blinds you. Forgiveness completes your own healing. It releases you from energy patterns that could contribute to illness or drain your energy.

“When we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us: power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health, and our happiness. Our enemies would dance with joy if only they knew how they were worrying us, lacerating us, and getting even with us! Our hate is not hurting them at all, but our hate is turning our own days and nights into a hellish turmoil.” (Dale Carnegie)

The truth is that there are no enemies. People who hurt us are only teachers for us, as they mirror what we need to heal inside ourselves.

The first step of forgiveness is to feel the painful feelings without judgements, to listen to them.

How exactly are we feeling?

What are the feelings saying?

What beliefs or thoughts are underneath those feelings?

What are these feelings bringing to our awareness?

Are they perhaps triggering even older painful memories from our past?

What limiting beliefs or fears need to be healed in us?

An important part of forgiveness is self-forgiveness. Our Inner Critic at times tortures us mercilessly with feelings of guilt, shame or self-blame. It has told us how we have failed and been a disappointment. It is time to claim back that energy as well. Feelings of resentment – no matter whether directed at others or at ourselves – poison us from the inside. They can literally make us sick.


For coaching and forgiveness work contact me



Letting Go of Your Stories

How do we create a future for ourselves which is abundant with love, joy, health and prosperity? A reality in which we feel empowered about what shows up in our life and how we respond to it? How do we embrace each experience as a learning opportunity on our path of personal and spiritual growth?

The key is “eliminating your need to hold on to stories from your past that no longer work for you.” (Jonathan Zenz, Centre of Spiritual Living, Toronto). The past is over. All that is real right now is the present moment. The stories do not matter anymore!

Sometimes we need to forgive others and/or ourselves in order to let go of the energy we have bound up in the past. Sometimes we need to examine our stories to find the truth for our growth, healing and evolution. Sometimes we need to face our fears to move forward into the future we really want. “The capacity of letting go of your story opens you up to a brand new story being written.” (Jonathan Zenz)

Part of letting go is realizing that life is not about being right or wrong.“We hold on to our stories because we believe they actually bring us something. We believe they make us powerful because we hold onto this idea that we were right. We were absolutely right!” (Jonathan Zenz) This obsession to be right holds us hostage to the story, to an energy of judgment and righteousness. The true power, however, lies in love.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,

there is a field. I will meet you there.”


When we move out into that field beyond right and wrong—into the energy of love—everything is possible. We realize that we are all wounded and that those wounds can be healed with love. We can shift into self-love and be compassionate with ourselves. We can let go of expectations and love others unconditionally.

We are co-creators of our reality. In fact, the Universe would not even exist without our participation as an intelligent force in it.

“You can either participate consciously or subconsciously. What would you rather have the experience of? Conscious, constructive, forward moving, evolutionary living—or subconscious [living], and have it all just show up?” (Jonathan Zenz)

Our experiences have formed us but they do not define who we will be tomorrow. Who we are today and who we will be tomorrow is the experience we are creating in this moment, the story we are writing right now. At any given time, we can change our life and create the kind of experiences we would rather have. We can let go of all limiting beliefs and move into abundance.

Are you ready to let go of your subconscious beliefs that hold you back? Are you prepared to examine your stories for their usefulness and let the ones go that are not for your benefit? Are you ready to forgive and just let go?

Contact me for a free consultation, or to make an appointment for coaching or belief change work.