The less aware a couple is of appropriate boundaries with others, the more likely it is that one partner will slip into an affair. When a love affair happens, the unfaithful partner has built a wall to shut out the marriage partner and has opened a window to let the affair partner in. After the affair, the walls and windows must be reconstructed to be in line with the “safety code” every relationship house requires.
Category: Relationship Coaching
Affairs PART 2 – Lying and Gaslighting
Most unfaithful partners deny the affair at first. They try to assess how much the partner knows and how much they have to tell. They are usually afraid that admitting the whole truth will make things worse. The opposite is the case. Dragging out admissions are comparable to driving long distances on a flat tire. Delaying the repair can cause irreparable damage to the wheel and axle. Denials or half truths cause the same damage to the relationship.
Affairs PART 1 – Assumptions Versus Facts
Some of the conventional wisdom about what causes affairs and how to repair relationships are assumptions or myths. Some of the statistical facts in regards to infidelity are surprising and thought-provoking. While some of the myths lead to judgments and are very hurtful for the affected couple, the facts help us to be compassionate with ourselves and others in a situation of betrayal.
Experiencing Shame: Women vs Men
“Will you stop guilt tripping me?!” exclaims Peter. His wife is surprised: “I am not trying to make you feel guilty. I am just trying to get through to you…” but Peter has shut down. His body language indicates that what he is actually feeling right now is not guilt but shame. Shame is one of the most destructive emotions in a relationship. It corrodes the parts in us that believe that we can do better.
You Are My Valued Tor-Mentor
Our partner can be an invaluable “Tor-Mentor”, a person who mentors us by tormenting us. Inevitably, our partner will act like an early caretaker who hurt us, and we will have a strong emotional reaction and experience what Richard Schwartz calls an attachment re-injury. These triggers are an opportunity to heal our wounds and create more empowered and truly supportive relationships.
Relationship Dance
Sue frantically tries to reach John through words, emotions and body language. One moment, she reaches out to him lovingly and patiently, the next she gets angry. Nothing seems to penetrate his stoic and unemotional wall. Neither touch, nor loving words, nor angry ones, nor tears, make a difference. Sue and John are caught in a pattern, a vicious cycle.
Why Do I Feel Stuck?
Helen got the opportunity to do a creative video project. She was excited. Yet, instead of starting to work on it, she cleaned up the entire house first. Then she started cooking a meal. Then she thought she should return some phone calls. She realized she was procrastinating. Does this sound familiar? Would you like to know how to shift out of procrastination and other blocks?
A Missing Piece in Couples Therapy
Within each of us is a family of sub-personalities, which in Internal Family Systems Therapy are called “parts”. How does working with our protective parts and our wounded younger child parts, help us to show up differently in relationships?
Conscious Uncoupling
What if we would not just strive to consciously create fulfilling and well functioning relationships, but also create break-ups “where neither party was blamed or shamed yet where both people were left valued and appreciated for all that they’d given one another” (Katherine Woodward Thomas)?
I Don’t Trust You – PART THREE – How to Heal the Trust
Once we have decided to stay in a relationship after a betrayal, how do we rebuild the broken trust? Whenever there’s been a betrayal there are problems on both sides and both people need to take responsibility for the part they’ve played. That is not a fault finding mission but a team effort of unpacking unexpressed feelings and uncovering unmet needs. If we are able to work through a betrayal together and have made the necessary changes, the relationship usually ends up being stronger than before.
I Don’t Trust You – PART TWO – Deciding Whether to Go or Stay
When there are trust issues in a relationship, the question arises if the trust can be restored. Mistrust can provide an excuse to leave a relationship if we had already been thinking about ending the relationship. It all depends on what the relationship was like before the betrayal happened. Before deciding to heal and restore the broken trust, the author Mira Kirshenbaum recommends that you ask yourself several questions.
I Don’t Trust You – PART ONE – How Mistrust Enters Our Relationships
While you can’t have relationships without disappointments, you cannot have a solid love relationship without trust. Any upsetting surprise or discovery that makes us feel vulnerable, hurt or unsafe can be experienced as a betrayal and break of trust. One way in which trust issues enter a relationship is when there are significant differences between the partners in background, personality or preferences. Another risk factor for mistrust is a situation of unequal power. The worst trust killer is when one partner is less open than the other.