How does muscle testing work online?

The one question I have been asked repeatedly over the last three months is, “How does this muscle testing you do work online?”

What happens in a session?

If you have come to see me for a session in person, you know that I will use your arm to muscle test. PSYCH-K® and Shadow Energetics both use applied Kinesiology, also referred to as “muscle testing” or “energy testing”, to communicate with your subconscious mind and check what beliefs you are holding. “PSYCH” stands for “Psyche” and the “K” for Kinesiology. When you say a belief statement but your subconscious does not agree with it, you will experience a comparably weaker muscle response than when you say something that your subconscious deems to be true.

This gives us the feedback that a beneficial belief might need to be balanced. With the next muscle test, I will check whether the statement has the perfect wording. If not, we will change the wording until it is perfect for you. Once the phrasing is right, the third muscle test asks permission to make the change. Muscle testing is also utilized to communicate with what the PSYCH-K® founder Rob Williams calls the “superconscious mind,” or in other words, “the higher self”. With PSYCH-K® and Shadow Energetics, we are never making changes without asking permission. Only when we get feedback from the higher self that the change is “in the highest wisdom and benefit”, or in PSYCH-K® words, “safe and appropriate”, will we proceed. Finally, we have different belief changes processes to choose from to reprogram a belief. The best balancing process will again be determined through energy testing.

How is an online session different?

In an in-person session, I will determine all this by using your arm. During this time of self isolation and beyond, you can also connect with me from the comfort of your own home. If you are online with me, I will simply do the energy testing for you. With these modalities, it is possible that I stand in for you. We will test belief statements, ask permission, and follow the higher guidance regarding what we need to address first, just like in a regular session, because I can test for you in surrogation.

Some belief change coaches might completely surrogate for you and also do the balances for you, but I prefer to get you as involved as possible. Zoom allows us to see each other, so that I can direct you to do a certain belief change balance at your end. Afterwards, we will muscle test again to make sure the change is complete.

If you are still puzzled about how this all works online, I recommend that you simply give it a try. Those clients of mine who have reached out, have been very satisfied with their online sessions. Feel free to read some of their reviews.

 

Other Frequently Asked Questions

Some other questions I have been asked over the last months were…

  1. I feel trapped and out of control. What can I do?
  2. I am so anxious. How can I alleviate my anxiety?
  3. I am stressed all the time. How can I manage my stress?
  4. I am so fed-up with this situation and depressed. How do I get myself motivated?
  5. I am single and longing to connect. How can I make safe dating still fun?
  6. Our sex life is affected by the fears and tensions. What can we do?
  7. I am ready to call a divorce lawyer. Or is there still something we can do?

 

In view of these questions, I have decided to change my posts. Instead of offering you longer articles once or twice a month, I will offer shorter blogs more often to answer some frequently posed questions. If you are interested in any of the above-mentioned problems, or have enjoyed my blogs so far, you can subscribe to email notifications. You will receive an e-mail when I post the next article. You can enter your e-mail address when the window pops-up, or in the bar on the left-hand side, where it says “Subscribe”.

Before booking a session, you will get the opportunity to have a free 20-minute phone consultation. You can ask all your questions and we can determine if we are a good fit as coach and client.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

PSYCH-K® And Getting Yourself Online

In recent months, people all over the world have been reshaping how we work and learn. Even those of us who haven’t felt the need before, have been catapulted into using a variety of online portals to connect and meet with colleagues and friends, to buy groceries and other products, to learn virtually or to offer our own services online.

David Anderson

My friend and fellow coach, Dave Anderson, invited me to join his perfectly timed new venture of encouraging speakers, coaches and other service providers to build their online presence. Dave himself is an inspiring speaker, musician and—together with his business partner Blake Fleischacker—a leader of school programs focusing on anti-bullying and on teaching kids to be safe, smart and kind online. Now, he has designed a program, “Get Your A$$ Online!” to help entrepreneurs establish an online business presence and earn money virtually.

He asked me to join the first session of his mastermind group this week as a belief change coach. It was an honour to meet seven entrepreneurs who are now embarking on the next step in their journey. The participants are looking for connection and mutual learning to generate action and share their visions with the world. This mastermind group is about support, accountability and encouragement.

As one part of Dave’s year-long coaching program, he is offering every participant a belief change session with me. During that session we will examine individual limiting subconscious beliefs that are holding that person back from achieving their goals with ease and confidence.

The doubts and underlying beliefs that hold us back tend to be individual, but some negative beliefs that might come up could be:

  • What if I cannot handle the technology? (I am not good with technology. It is hard for me to learn something new. Etc.)
  • What if people don’t want to pay for what I have to offer? (I am not good enough. I am not providing enough value. I won’t be able to move my existing business online. I am not likable enough. Etc.)
  • What if I can’t make the money I need/want? (I am not worthy of financial abundance. I am not good at making money. I can’t make the money I need doing what I love. Etc.)
  • What if I give up? (I get distracted. I have given up in the past. I am a quitter. I am not persistent enough to follow through.)
  • What if I put myself out there and embarrass myself? (It is not safe to be seen / to be different / to try something new.)
  • What if I put all this time and energy in and I fail? (I always fail. It is embarrassing to fail. Etc.)
  • What if I get incredibly successful and busy with this online venture? (Being too successful will affect my relationships negatively. People will be jealous. I won’t have time anymore. Etc.)

 

Have you ever tried to change your beliefs through affirmations alone? How long did that take and how effective was that? We usually need many repetitions to create lasting changes on a conscious level.

And what about willpower? We can achieve a lot through determination and willpower, but our subconscious mind is a million times stronger than our conscious mind. It is like a sumo wrestler in a wrestling match with a child. Unless we get the sumo wrestler on our side, the match is pretty much lost.

As Bruce Lipton explains, our conscious mind is like a 40-bit computer processor, that can process and manage 40 nerve impulses per second, while our subconscious mind is a super-computer with a 40-million-bit processor, that manages 40 million nerve impulses per second.

In other words, while the conscious mind can process 40 bits of information, the subconscious can process 40 million bits. Our conscious mind only controls a small percentage of all our actions, while 95-99% of our actions are due to our subconscious programs, our beliefs based on our past experiences, traumas, ideas and values.

How do we get into our subconscious mind to change those beliefs that we are often not even aware of?

Bruce Lipton

Bruce Lipton summarizes the four ways of rewriting subconscious programming:

  1. Shock

For example, a belief like “Life is safe for me” can suddenly change to the opposite when we experience a traumatic event like an accident or loss.

  1. Repetition

Affirmations are a way of repeating a new belief over and over again until the subconscious agrees.

  1. Hypnosis

In a normal waking state of consciousness, our brain wave activity is in the beta range. Through hypnosis, we can access alpha and theta brain waves and access the subconscious mind with beneficial suggestions.

  1. Energy Psychology / Belief Change Modalities

Belief Change modalities, like PSYCH-K® or the Shadow Energetics® Belief Change Process, are equivalent to super-learning and are undoubtedly the fastest way of changing a belief. You can rewrite a belief program in 5-10 minutes.

Even though PSYCH-K®, originated by Rob Williams in early 1989, has been around for 30 years now, it is still is a bit of an “insider tip” when you want to change your subconscious mind.

Bruce Lipton calls PSYCH-K “an energy-based psychological treatment system” (The Biology of Belief) and recommends it as one way of changing your belief system. In fact, both PSYCH-K® and Shadow Energetics, developed by my friend Darryl Gurney, are energy psychology techniques which allow us to effectively shift our beliefs at a subconscious level.

When I first learned PSYCH-K® in the spring of 2006, my background at that point was in hypnosis to help my clients reach their conscious goals. I hypnotized them, and taught them self-hypnosis, to be able to continue certain suggestions at home, but I wondered if there was a faster and more efficient way of changing our beliefs and seeing the results right away. There is! PSYCH-K® and Shadow Energetics both allow us to change a particular belief in just a few minutes.

“PSYCH” stands for “Psyche” and the “K” for Kinesiology. Applied Kinesiology, also referred to as “muscle testing” or “energy testing”, allows us, whether we use PSYCH-K® or the belief change process from Shadow Energetics, to communicate with our Subconscious Mind and our Higher Self (called the Superconscious Mind by Rob Williams).

We cannot say something that our subconscious believes to be a lie without experiencing a weaker muscle response—compared to when we are expressing something our subconscious deems to be true. That is extremely fortunate for us, because it allows us to determine what our subconscious really agrees with. Once we have detected that a certain beneficial belief is not held at a subconscious level, we can ask permission (through the muscle testing) to make a change and to program or establish this more supportive belief.

To ensure safe physical distancing, I am right now offering all my sessions exclusively online. If you have come to see me in person and you have experienced me muscle testing (energy testing) you to determine your subconscious beliefs, you might wonder how this works online. Thankfully, it is possible for me to energy test for you. You will go through the belief change processes at your end as I demonstrate them via zoom. To read some client reviews for the online work, please click here.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

Check out

Dave Anderson’s 

30 Day Challenge to Get Your A$$ Online

or reach out to him on Facebook.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

The COVID-19 Situation Challenges Our Beliefs, Emotions and Relationships. How PSYCH-K® and Other Tools Can Help.

The COVID-19 situation has disrupted our daily routines, affected our finances and is challenging our relationships. The crisis has changed everything we used to consider “normal”. We are grieving losses, experiencing anxiety, navigating often tumultuous emotions and bumping up against limiting beliefs. As we experience the uncertainty of unemployment and potential illness, we might be reaching for our partner, hoping for comfort and support. Yet, most couples have never learned how to communicate vulnerable emotions and hold each other in fear. To have a stress-reducing conversation, rather than taking on our partner’s fear and stress, has become a more valuable skill than ever before.

This exceptional situation is an opportunity to work on our fears, learn how to release our emotions and improve our relationships, especially our closest partnerships or marriages. Our old ways of being are currently being torn down and it is time to ask, what do we want to believe and feel as we are going through this period? What do we want our life and our relationships to look like? And which habits, beliefs and repeating patterns do we want to change?

We get to make that decision and work towards our relationship dreams and life goals. Instead of waiting for the crisis to be over, we can choose kindness, patience, compassion and successful communication now. At a time when many couples are home together working in close quarters, it is important to create a routine, maintain boundaries, design compromises, learn how to respect each other’s needs, respond lovingly to bids of attention and most importantly, have supportive conversations. Dr. John Gottman has designed the “stress reducing conversation”, in which both partners take turns speaking about a conflict outside of their relationship and listening to their partner. I find that it makes a huge difference when we can centre ourselves and speak and listen from the heart. When one of us is emotionally activated, it is up to our partner to hold that space of compassionately listening. While one partner shares what has happened and how they feel about it, the rules for the listener are as follows:

  1. to suspend any judgment
  2. to validate and empathize with our partner’s experience
  3. to side with our partner (or at least, to not side with the other person in the conflict)
  4. to remember that our partner is whole, complete and resourceful and to refrain from “fixing” their problem for them

Image by Anna_Sunny from Pixabay 

In order to successfully hold these conversations, we need to be aware of our own fears, triggers and limiting beliefs. We need to know how to self-regulate and how to not let our own emotions spill over into the moment when our partner needs us to support them.

Here are some examples for the most common subconscious beliefs that both my clients and myself have had to balance lately by using PSYCH-K® or the belief change process from Shadow Energetics.

 

REGARDING THE (FINANCIAL) SITUATION:

  1. Even though (financial) uncertainty is a part of my life right now, I know and trust that I am safe / taken care of / financially resourceful etc. at all times.
  2. I relax and accept when things are temporarily on hold, being grateful that I now have the time to take care of myself.
  3. It is okay for me to slow down and enjoy my time with my family.
  4. I embrace the current situation as a gift to slow down / to focus on my relationships / to find new financial avenues etc.
  5. I let go and trust that all my needs are abundantly met in this current situation.
  6. I do my best and my best is always good enough.

 

REGARDING HEALTH:

  1. I take good care of myself by giving my body enough sleep, physical movement and healthy nutrition.
  2. I keep my immune system strong through rest and exercise.
  3. I do everything in my power to stay healthy and beyond that, I let go and trust.
  4. I enjoy the slowing down and I relax into a different rhythm.

 

Image by Anrita1705 from Pixabay

REGARDING RELATIONSHIPS:

  1. I easily and effortlessly communicate my needs to my partner.
  2. Both of us working from home is smooth and easy for us.
  3. We naturally switch between being connected and focusing on work.
  4. Each time my partner is distracted, I remember that he/she is simply focused on work.
  5. We make time for each other (and the children) at the end of the day to connect and talk.
  6. It is safe for me to be vulnerable and share my fears with my partner.
  7. I am good at self-soothing when I feel emotionally activated.
  8. It comes naturally to me to be present for my partner.
  9. I listen non-judgmentally and acknowledge my partner’s feelings and fears.
  10. We creatively bring some novelty into our relationship by trying out new activities we can do at home.

 

REGARDING FAMILY:

  1. Having time with my kids and my spouse is a gift for all of us.
  2. We are adaptable and creative as we adjust to the new situation.
  3. I embrace the new situation and enjoy every moment with my partner / my family.
  4. I am patient with myself and all family members as we go through this time of uncertainty.

 

If you have taken part in one of my workshops or perhaps learned how to release emotions in an individual session, remember to use the EMOTIONAL RELEASE PROCESS on a regular basis. Here is a list of especially common emotions that the current situation might have triggered for us. You can of course also work with other lists of emotions, for example the one you would have received during the Shadow Energetics Workshop. If you want to learn what to do with your emotions, change limiting beliefs and clear out fears, please reach out for a free phone consultation.

 

TRIGGERED EMOTIONS:

Feeling…

 

1.    afraid

2.    angry

3.    anxious

4.    bitter

5.    confused

6.    defeated

7.    defenseless

8.    depressed

9.    deprived

10. desperate

11. destitute

12. diminished

13. disadvantaged

14. discouraged

15. distressed

16. fearful

 

 

17. forgotten

18. frustrated

19. grief

20. helpless

21. homesick

22. inadequate

23. insecure

24. isolated

25. lacking

26. like a failure

27. lonely

28. lost

29. out of control

30. overwhelmed

31. panicked

32. pessimistic

 

33. powerless

34. regretful

35. sad

36. shameful

37. shocked

38. sorrow

39. suffocated

40. terrified

41. uncertain

42. unprotected

43. unsafe

44. unsupported

45. victimized

46. vulnerable

47. worried

48. worthless

 

Online Sessions

for Individuals and Couples

If you have lost your job or you are financially struggling because you are self-employed, reach out and talk to me about a discount, especially if you are a previous client. I am here to help you and your family through this time.

If you are a health care worker or first responder, your session is complimentary right now, out of admiration and deep gratitude for what you are going through right now.

 

You can start with a free phone consultation.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Online Sessions During COVID-19 Crisis

The COVID-19 crisis has brought us lots of fear and challenges all over the world. It has brought anxiety, pain and stress. It has shaken us up to rethink our healthcare systems, our ways of doing business, our society, and the impact our way of living has on our environment.

Because this time is shaking us up, it also brings us new opportunities. What comes to mind is the gift of more time that we are being gifted right now. Instead of running from one scheduled event to the next or commuting for hours every day, we have extra time now to connect with our families. We have time to relax and perhaps reflect and consider our habits and our schedule that is usually so full. This is an opportunity to experience a slowing down. It is also an opportunity to reflect about a better future with more sustainability, simpler and healthier food, more kindness, compassion, and caring and overall less stress. We are making changes to our lives right now, some of which might be beneficial to keep once the crisis is over.

The shut-down of large parts of our economy and of tourism all over the world is rough on all the affected industries and people working in these areas. At the same time, we are observing a significant reduction in greenhouse gasses and other pollution of our air, our land and our waters. Images from the Centre for Research on Energy and Clean Air (CREA), as well as satellite footage from NASA and the European Space Agency (ESA), show for example a significant decline in NO₂ emissions over the last two months, particularly over Italy and China. Perhaps this makes us contemplate keeping some of these ways of polluting less also after the crisis is over, to save our environment. COVID-19 brings us together on a global level. We are all affected, and we are all part of the solution. It is an opportunity to reconsider our societies and reorganize our way of doing things globally to have less of a detrimental impact on our planet.

One great opportunity the current restrictions and the practice of social distancing brings is to connect virtually in meetings, classrooms and individual sessions. How can we turn this time of challenges into a time of opportunities by connecting online? What if most of us could save all the time commuting and work from home? What if schools discovered new ways of teaching? What if my favourite therapist or coach is just a click away without me sitting in traffic to get to a session?

Image by Niek Verlaan from Pixabay

 

Like most coaches, I have shifted all my appointments to online sessions. I have always worked with clients who live further away by connecting through Skype or Zoom. In the past I already addressed the question, Can PSYCH-K® be done via Skype, Zoom or on the phone? Now I am also offering online session to you, if you live close by.

I have been teaching via the platform Zoom daily throughout the last few weeks and I am positively surprised how stable it is despite the increased number of people using it for meetings. But what is “Zoom”, you might ask, and how would you and I use it?

 

What is Zoom and How Does It Work?

Zoom is a web-based video conferencing tool that allows you and me to meet online, with or without video, very similar to connecting on Skype. Zoom offers a good quality video, audio and a wireless screen-sharing option, if I have a document to share with you. We can see each other and hear each other well. I can guide you through belief change processes using PSYCH-K® or Shadow Energetics, releasing emotions, an IFS process, a meditation, relaxation or even a hypnosis session. If you are used to me muscle testing you in person, you also know that I can simply stand-in for you and do the energy testing on my end.

 

Is it safe?

You get your own private login username and password for each session, which I will e-mail or text you. Zoom offers end-to-end secure encryption (using Advanced Encryption Standard AES-256) for video sessions. This helps ensure that the video session cannot be eavesdropped on or tampered with. In other words, only the host (myself) and the invited participant (yourself) has access to the video session. As an additional precaution, I have enabled the Zoom “Waiting Room” feature which means an attendee cannot join the video session unless the host (myself) admits them individually from the ‘waiting room’.

I also give you my assurance that no sessions with clients will be recorded. As a further assurance, you can verify this yourself because there would be a clear notification at the top left corner of the Zoom “window” if the Zoom video session was being recorded.

 

How Do I Get on Zoom?

  1. Go to zoom.us
  2. Click the “Join a Meeting” tab. You can find the tab on the top right corner of the homepage.
  3. When prompted, add your designated Meeting ID, which I will e-mail you prior to the session.
  4. We are connected at the agreed upon time!

 

 

Is a Zoom Session as good as an in-person Session?

I will let some of my clients answer this question by sharing their testimonials.

CLIENT REVIEWS:

Dave:

My name is Dave, and I’ve been working with Angelika for almost two years now. My sessions began with her at a very low point in my life. Angelika’s belief change coaching and emotional release counselling has literally transformed my life on both a personal and professional level. My work with Angelika has enabled me to heal from some devastating personal and family losses and, more recently, to successfully navigate a complete career change in mid-life!

On occasion, due to inclement weather, I’ve done remote video sessions with Angelika using my laptop. Admittedly, I was skeptical beforehand as to the benefit of an online session. However, I was amazed how adept Angelika was in adapting her belief change and emotional release exercises to an online setting so effectively.

So when Angelika suggested using Zoom video technology for our future sessions due to the ongoing COVID-19 crisis, I agreed without hesitation. Despite the sacrifices and inconveniences we are all currently undergoing, I feel very grateful for this video technology option that will allow me to continue my invaluable life coaching sessions with Angelika in the comfort of my own home.

– David W

 

Julia:

Work with Angelika has been a game changer in realizing my professional and personal potential for several years now. Having moved to Europe to continue with my MBA degree, I was determined not to lose this important tool in my development.

At first, I wondered if online sessions via zoom would have the same comfortable and enabling energy as the setting at Angelika’s?! But then I though to myself: “We will make it work. After all, technology has enabled so many advancements in our society.”. If patients can move their medical check-ups to telehealth format, then surely Greendoor Relaxation can follow in these footsteps.

My first Zoom session with Angelika was well set-up and seamless. In a matter of 15 minutes, I could not even tell the difference.

I quickly realized that this format also had advantages. First, I did not have to spend extra time commuting. Second, I was able to talk out of the comfort of my couch. Third, Angelika stepped in to muscle test whenever needed. All I had to do was relax and watch her do her “magic”. And that was great! I trusted that she is more experienced and attuned in receiving guidance for our sessions.

My personal call to action for all those who are wondering if Zoom session is the right format for Greendoor Relaxation: Give it a try! We are fortunate to have this choice.

– Julia T.

 

Tobias:

My wife and I have been seeing Angelika for marriage counselling for 9 months now. We usually purchase one of her packages and see her every 2-3 weeks. She has taught us to communicate differently, to be a team and to get through a challenging time with one of our kids. It has been very fortunate for us that Angelika also speaks German, so that my wife and I can speak in our mother tongue with each other during the sessions. Despite COVID-19 we wanted to continue our sessions. We are very satisfied with our first online appointment. Angelika was able to guide us and help us with an issue we were struggling to solve on our own. It was not much different from our usual sessions in her office. While the coronavirus pandemic continues, we will see Angelika via Zoom.

– Tobias M.

 

 

from April 1 to April 14

11/2 – 2 hour online sessions

for individuals and couples

20% off

If you have lost your job or you are financially struggling because you are self-employed, reach out and talk to me, especially if you are a previous client.

I am here to help you and your family through this time.

If you are in existing client, I am offering the option of shorter booster sessions in lieu of your regular two hour session during the months of April and May.

For health care workers or first responders, a session is complimentary right now.

 

Reach out for a free phone consultation.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Why New Year’s Resolutions Don’t Work – And How to Ensure You Are Reaching Your Goals for 2020

Another year has passed and if you are like most people, you might be looking back right now, reflecting on your toughest challenges but also your happiest moments. Perhaps you can feel gratitude for what unfolded in 2019 and how it has served you. You might also be looking ahead, wondering what dreams and goals are still waiting to be fulfilled.

https://pixabay.com/photos/new-year-s-day-target-resolutions-4705447/

I had a client a couple of days ago who, when we spoke about goals for the new year, insisted that she doesn’t know what she wants. Yet, we had already determined a hierarchy of her values and she had great clarity on what her top six values are. Ultimately, our values determine our dreams and goals. If family and friends are one of my top values, I will need to spend time with them in the new year. If adventure and new experiences are important, I might plan an exciting trip. If health is high on my list of values, I might want to make healthy lifestyle changes. Or if financial security is an important value, being out of debt or owning a house might be one of my goals. If companionship and love are high values, I might want to put myself out there to find a partner.

When we feel a resistance to planning ahead or figuring out our goals, we might hold an underlying belief that our wishes and dreams never come true anyways. Or perhaps we had a traumatic experience in the past where we made important plans which have not come true, and we are still grieving the loss of those dreams and plans.

We also need to have supportive subconscious beliefs in place to reach specific goals. Popular new year’s resolutions tend to be losing weight, exercising more, living healthier (e.g. quitting smoking, drinking less, changing your diet), financial abundance, travelling, or attracting a romantic partner.

But new year’s resolutions alone simply don’t work very well. They only work if we get our powerful subconscious mind on board with our conscious goals. Let me illustrate this with a couple of examples.

https://pixabay.com/illustrations/weight-loss-weight-nutrition-scale-2036969/

In order to successfully lose weight, we for example need to believe at a subconscious level that

  • we can lose weight easily and effortlessly
  • exercising and moving our body is fun and enjoyable
  • we have a normal or fast metabolism
  • it is safe to be slim and attractive
  • it is easy to keep the weight down

and much more.

Or in order to get our finances in order and create abundance and financial security, we need to for example believe that

  • we can support ourselves
  • we deserve to make and keep money
  • we are good with money and finances
  • we can be a “good person” and make lots of money
  • we can do what we love and make the money we want

to just name a few beliefs.

No matter what dreams or goals we have, no matter what we want to create in our lives, whether that is better health, more abundance or loving relationships, we ultimately want happiness. So, it all begins with the decision to start loving what is and what we are creating right now. It literally begins with the decisions to live a joyous life in the present moment, instead of putting happiness on hold until we have reached a particular goal. From that joy we can more easily create what we want to see in our lives.

We also really need to focus all our attention on making the change. Another reason why new year’s resolutions don’t work is that we often do not consistently set and follow concrete action steps to reach our goals. Choose one goal that you want to reach and make it your first priority by figuring out reachable and reasonable action steps. Where attention goes, energy flows. And where energy goes, shifts and changes occur.

Making changes and keeping your new year’s resolutions starts with changing your subconscious beliefs and your thoughts. As you think differently, you are able to create better health and experience more abundance in every area of your life. PSYCH-K® and the belief change technique from Shadow Energetics allow us to reprogram your limiting beliefs into those beliefs which support your conscious goals for 2020.

Reach out to Angelika for more information

or to book a session in person

or—if you are not in the area—through Zoom.

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

https://pixabay.com/illustrations/new-year-s-day-new-year-s-eve-2020-4720207/

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Whether you think you can…

You probably know the famous quote by Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right.” In the belief change technique PSYCH-K®, the belief “I can” is named as one of 13 core beliefs, next to such core beliefs as “I want to live”, or “I love myself”, or beliefs around the world being a friendly place.

Our subconscious mind agreeing with the fact that we are capable of doing what we set our mind to as opposed to the belief “I can’t” is one of the main factors for success. Believing “I can” goes beyond self-confidence. It is a necessary subconscious belief which needs to be in place to learn or accomplish anything new.

When I am not working in my main profession as a belief change coach, I teach German to adults through an online school. Most students are really motivated and I am always in awe of how they embrace the new language and complicated German grammatical rules. Without curiosity and an open mind, they wouldn’t get very far.

A couple of days ago, I was paired up for a private lesson with a lovely gentleman from Scotland. He had a profession for which he needed a university degree and which required him to be intelligent and organized. This was only his third German lesson and within the first five minutes, he shared with me the following: “My company is paying for these lessons because they want me to learn German, but I don’t think I can get to the level they want me to get to.” He also said, “Learning a language this complicated feels like a big commitment”, “I feel stupid” and “I can’t do it”.

The lesson was about learning new vocabulary in regards to furniture pieces and going over the basic sentence structure, subject-verb-object. Of course the grammar is different than in English, for example German nouns have three grammatical genders (masculine, feminine or neuter) which you simply need to memorize with each noun. Each time we got to a new presentation slide and something wasn’t quite the way it is in English, he would literally roll back in his office chair and throw his hands up in the air, and ask “Why is this so difficult?” or declare “I will never be able to learn this!”

I had to take my German Teacher Hat off for a bit and put my Coach Hat on and be very candid that the only thing keeping him from learning was his insistence that he couldn’t ever do this. His pronunciation was good and clearly he was a smart man. What was however providing a huge roadblock for him was the belief “I cannot learn another language” and “German is too hard for me to learn”.

I look forward to teaching this gentleman again because I know for certain that all he needs to do is shift his belief system and put a bit of memorizing time in to be very successful. Shifting from “I can’t” to “I can” opens up so many new doors and exciting experiences for us, whether in our career or in our private life.

In a client session, we can change a core belief like “I can”—or any other belief for that matter—by using an energy psychology technique like PSYCH-K® or the belief change process from Shadow Energetics. These changes are quick and effective and don’t usually take longer than 10-20 minutes, but have lasting results that can shift your life around.

For more information on PSYCH-K® or Shadow Energetics contact

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

If you would like to read more about how beliefs shape our life and how we can change them, the following books are available on Amazon. Thank you for using my amazon associate links below.

The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton

“PSYCH-K®… The Missing Piece” by Rob Williams

 If you enjoy my articles, please subscribe to receive an e-mail notification when I post a new blog. Just enter your email address in the field in the left sidebar. Thank you for your support!

Listening to Our Gut Feelings

Con Artists and Other Untrustworthy People

Did a liar, manipulator or otherwise untrustworthy person cross your path lately? Sadly lying, manipulating or taking advantage of others is part of human nature. Everybody shows up in their shadows at times and that could mean lying, manipulating or acting in a way that is a betrayal. Why do our friends, family members or colleagues do this?

Usually, they act out of their own fear and neediness. It might be the need for love, attention, admiration, recognition, an addictive substance, money, or sex. That doesn’t make them a “bad person”. In another situation, this person might show up loving and kind, perhaps they are nursing a loved one through old age or an illness, or they are a wonderful caring mother or father, or they help the driver whose car broke down in the snow storm by the side of the road, even though it makes them late. Nobody is just good or just bad. However, we have the capability to choose in each given moment whether we show up with integrity, or out of integrity. And if somebody around us shows up in a shadow, let’s be very clear with what we observe and what it means to stand firmly in our own integrity. Having discernment is not judgment. It is taking good care of ourselves.

How often have I seen with others, and I include myself in this group, that we do not always listen to our gut feeling regarding other people, certain situations, or at least regarding a certain area in our life. Often the intuition is present but we then choose to ignore it, in favour of a left brain analysis of the facts. We do this even though we know that the left brain is less powerful than our right brain or intuitive mind. Why do we choose to disregard our gut? What happens inside of us that we ignore this powerful sense that we all have to guide us?

There is Jessica, who wanted to believe that the man she met online was truly looking for a committed long-term relationship and that he was not seeing anybody else, as he had repeatedly declared. Through a series of coincidences, she found out that he was simultaneously dating other women, just looking for a variety of sexual encounters. You could say that he was a talented actor. It took synchronicities for her to have her eyes opened to the manipulation and true character of this person. Yet, her gut feeling had told her in different instances that something was not right.

There is Mike, who repeatedly fell for the “damsel in distress” act of a much younger female friend who, as it turns out, just wanted his money. It took him being repeatedly taken advantage of financially for him to have his eyes opened. Having a very strong sense for other people in business, he completely disregarded his intuition when it came to this friend.

There is Ashley, who wanted to believe her boyfriend had stopped taking drugs and was loyal to her, when her gut told her otherwise each time he lied in her face.

And there is Jacob, who didn’t want to believe that his partner in business was dishonest, until he took off with their money and the business went bankrupt.

What happened in each of these situations?

Trust is the natural default setting of our human brain. As social beings, we need others and we tend to be trusting rather than mistrusting. Certain factors contribute to us trusting.

 

Familiarity Breeds Trust

The man Jessica dated quickly and purposefully created the illusion of familiarity by using loving tender nicknames, like “sweetie” and “darling”,  sending her love poems, telling her he loves her, and that he wants a future with her. That, as well as her own hope to have found someone to love, allowed him to deceive her for a while.

In Mike’s case, the younger female friend had helped him through a very traumatic and painful personal loss in the past and that created the illusion of familiarity between them. This made him more likely to help and trust her than as if this had not been the case.

Just like in Jessica’s and Mike’s cases, the familiarity factor was also present for Ashley and Jacob. Ashley’s boyfriend had just proposed to her. She was envisioning him as the future father of her children. She was also deeply enmeshed with his family, who saw her as his future wife and his saviour from addictions.

Jacob’s partner wasn’t just a business partner, but a close friend from primary school. Jacob felt that he knew him like his own brother. They had always dreamt of having a business together.

 

Oxytocin Is Involved

The bonding hormone oxytocin is responsible for how much trust we have when responding to others. When we are in a romantic love relationship with another person, oxytocin is produced. Most of us have probably experienced that the moment we engage sexually with another person, our critical faculties are reduced. Through physical touch and intimacy, oxytocin is increased, giving us the feeling of being bonded into the other person. The same applies for close friendships in which we bond with each other. Oxytocin increases our trust in the other person. We feel safe with them and are not on guard for a possible betrayal.

So, is there a way not to fall for con-artists, or lying, dishonest or manipulative people who take advantage of us?

There must be a healthy balance. We cannot go through life mistrusting everybody and assuming the worst. What we can all probably tune into more though, is our gut feeling. The more we learn to trust our intuition, the less likely it is that we are repeatedly conned or fall for people who do not deserve our trust.

There are different levels of utilizing our intuition, from simply sitting with and exploring a gut feeling to communicating with your Higher Self (the Superconscious Mind) through meditation or muscle testing. You can use self muscle testing or muscle test with and for others.

In general, when you feel peaceful, calm and confident, or you feel inspired and excited, or when the same opportunities seem to keep coming around, you are most likely in line with your inner guidance. If you feel pulled in different directions, anxious or experience some sense of heaviness in your gut that is not going away, you might be receiving a message that you are not on the right path.

If you would like to do a meditation on trusting your intuition and receiving guidance from your Higher Self, and/or an intuitive exercise to explore with a partner how to dial other people’s energy out, please join me on my Patreon.

In order to trust our intuition and to act on it, we need to have certain beliefs in place, for example:

  1. I am aware of my gut feelings and I listen to them.
  2. I easily and effortlessly communicate with my Higher Self / the Divine guidance.
  3. I take my time to assess others accurately, using my intuition.
  4. I make sound decisions when I enter into a business partnership and when I invest in a romantic relationship.
  5. It is okay for me to assess relationships when a gut feeling comes up and to act on that feeling.
  6. Even though somebody else might be acting out of integrity, I stand firmly in my own integrity.
  7. I live with integrity and I am honest with others.
  8. I deserve to take clear actions regarding people who act out of integrity.
  9. I let go of the need for revenge and I trust Karma to take care of it.
  10. I am clear about my deal breakers in a relationship.
  11. I completely forgive myself for falling for a dishonest person.
  12. Breaking up with a dishonest friend or partner frees me up to attract an honest person.

To clear out limiting beliefs and to learn to trust our intuitive mind more, we can use belief change techniques like PSYCH-K®. For a free phone consultation or to book an appointment, please contact me

Angelika
905-286-9466
greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Infertility – Issues, Fears and Emotions That Prevent Conception

Diane and Paul have been wanting to conceive for eight years. After trying to conceive naturally, they have done two rounds of IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination) and two rounds of IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) without success.

“I am a go-getter, a type A personality”, says Diane. “I am good at managing and I like things to be “just so”. Paul sometimes thinks I am too controlling and rigid. But I have achieved a lot in my life. I had athletic accomplishments, I have a masters degree and a very successful career. I have my diet under control. I eat very healthy, I barely drink, and I work out. I do everything to achieve this goal but the one thing I keep failing at is becoming a mother.”

What Diane says in her intake session is fairly typical for women who struggle with fertility issues. We are so used to being able to control everything, to plan our entire future, set our goals and then work hard at reaching them, that we expect it will be the same with conception, pregnancy and birth.

As Lynsi Eastburn, author of “It’s Conceivable!” and “The 3 Keys to Conception” and one of my mentors and teachers, likes to point out, “you can not left-brain a baby.” Conception is one of those areas that are exactly the opposite of doing. It is all about letting go of control, surrendering and allowing.

So if our main personality parts, like in Diane’s case, are a Driver/Pusher, a Perfectionist and a Rational/Analytical Self, it is going to be harder to let go and to relax. If you come to see me, we will work on achieving more separation from those parts. We want them to “step back” and to allow you to relax into this experience of conception and birth happening in its own time and its own way.

It is easy to see how stress at work or in our family would cause overwhelm, tiredness and anxiety, and how that can affect our fertility. Having personality parts that push us to be perfect at work and in our relationships causes us to override feelings of exhaustion, anxiety and overwhelm. That contributes greatly to stress and therefore to infertility.

However, conception goes beyond “stress”. Infertility is not simply a biological process of a tired body but it is a more complicated culmination of our deeper mind and body working together.

In his book “The Body-Mind Fertility Connection” James Schwartz documents studies that indicate that psychological and emotional blocks appear to be the root of many fertility issues. I have sited some of those scientific studies on this website. To read more click here. 

“For many women, the process of healing the emotional issues that are blocking pregnancy is a key component in unlocking fertility and opening the door to conception. The body and mind work as a synchronistic team.” (James Schwartz, The Body-Mind Fertility Connection)

When it comes to the very painful experience of infertility, we have to remember that our subconscious is always trying to protect us, not trying to hinder us and prevent us from reaching our goals. Our deeper mind is operating on the fears and beliefs which exist in the inner system. Here are some examples of what that can be:

– Feeling stressed or overwhelmed with life

For example, feeling overburdened with work, family or other situations. Our subconscious will respond to that by not allowing us to take on another burden (having a child)

– Fears around pregnancy or birth

For example, fears of doctors, hospitals, medical treatments, labour, giving birth, or our body changing

– Fears around parenthood

For example, beliefs that we or our partner won’t be a good parent; the idea that parenthood means a lot of sacrifice and a loss of independence; worries around balancing parenthood and career

– Fears around the marriage/relationship

For example, worries about the longevity of the relationship with our partner, or about the changes in the relationship, or about a lack of resilience due to the new challenges as parents

– Guilt and limiting beliefs around deserving

For example, due to an abortion in the past, or not having been a perfect parent to other children, or in regards to sexual abuse, rape or other traumas

– Fears of loss

For example, due to past miscarriages or stillbirths

– Rejection of physical functions

For example, beliefs that the female period is disgusting, that sex is dirty, or that giving birth is awful and messy

– Fears based on other people’s experiences

For example, our mother/sister/aunt etc. had difficulty conceiving or had challenging pregnancies/births, therefore we expect the same experiences

– Other limiting belief

For example, in regards to our age, “old eggs”, general health, body image issues etc.

If you read the points above, you might recognize some concerns, or you might consciously feel that there are no problems. However, subconsciously, certain programs might be running based on past experiences and learned beliefs which are stored deep in your mind, often completely without conscious awareness. Our subconscious mind can work for us. It can also work against us, if it is trying to protect us in a way that causes us to experience blocks like infertility.

“…the subconscious mind holds our habits, beliefs, behavioural patterns, anxieties, and fears that we have been accumulating since birth. Then, as adults, when we experience emotions like anxiety, sadness, fear, or anger, we are responding to the cumulative effect of the information and programming that has collected throughout our entire lifetime.” (James Schwartz, The Body-Mind Fertility Connection)

Conflicts, unresolved issues, fears and limiting beliefs send a message to the body at a cellular level. The very diagnosis of “unexplained infertility” means that the presenting infertility is psychosomatic.

Fortunately, any and all of those emotions and fears mentioned above can be healed. As the emotions, fears and issues are processed, conception rates increase dramatically.

To clear out limiting beliefs and fears that keep you from getting pregnant, and to shift into surrendering and allowing rather than trying to control the process of conceiving, I use hypnosis and belief change techniques like PSYCH-K®. The first session is 3 hours long due to an intensive intake, subsequent sessions are between 2 and 2 ½ hours.

For a free phone consultation or to book an appointment, please contact me

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

If you would like to do regular meditations to destress or use exercises to improve the relationship with your partner go to

My Patreon

I offer different packages starting at 4USD/month.

To read any of the books mentioned above, my amazon associate links take you directly to your country’s amazon page by clicking on an image. Thank you for supporting me by ordering through my links. You can also get a copy of “The 3 Keys to Conception” directly from me.

 

I know your time is valuable and I appreciate you reading my blog. If you enjoy my articles, you can subscribe to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to enter your email address in the field in the left sidebar. Thank you for your support!

What is PSYCH-K® and Shadow Energetics©?

Listen to the blog article as an extended interview version on my podcast, or read it below.

When people look at my list of services, I often get the question, “What is this psyche thing you do?” Even though PSYCH-K®, originated by Rob Williams in early 1989, has been around for 30 years now, it is still is a bit of an “insider tip” when you want to change your subconscious mind.

Bruce Lipton calls PSYCH-K “an energy-based psychological treatment system” (The Biology of Belief) and recommend it as one way of changing your belief system. In fact both PSYCH-K® and Shadow Energetics, developed by my friend Darryl Gurney, are energy psychology techniques which allow us to effectively shift our beliefs at a subconscious level.

When I first learned PSYCH-K® in the spring of 2006, my background at that point was hypnosis to help my coaching clients reach their conscious goals. I hypnotized them, and taught them self-hypnosis in addition, to be able to continue certain suggestions at home, but wondered, what if there was a faster and more efficient way of changing our beliefs and seeing the results right away? There is! PSYCH-K® and Shadow Energetics both allow us to change a particular belief in just a few minutes.

“PSYCH” stands for “Psyche” and the “K” for Kinesiology. Applied Kinesiology, also referred to as “muscle testing” or “energy testing”, allows us, whether we use PSYCH-K® or the belief change process from Shadow Energetics, to communicate with our Subconscious Mind and our Higher Self (called the Superconscious Mind by Rob Williams).

We cannot say something that our subconscious believes to be a lie without experiencing a weaker muscle response—compared to when we are expressing something our subconscious deems to be true. That is extremely fortunate for us, because it allows us to determine what our subconscious really agrees with. Once we have detected that a certain beneficial belief is not held at a subconscious level, we can ask permission (through the muscle testing) to make a change and to program or establish this more supportive belief. Both, PSYCH-K® and Shadow Energetics have strict permission protocols. We always check if it is in the “highest wisdom and benefit” (Shadow Energetics) or “safe and appropriate” (PSYCH-K®) to make a shift at a given point in time.

In addition to giving us a technique to change our beliefs at a subconscious level, Shadow Energetics recognizes the importance of muscle testing emotional charges in our body and releasing them, as these stuck emotions causes interference patterns. Just like our limiting beliefs, our emotions also create our experience of reality below our level of conscious awareness. 90% of physical issues have an emotional root. Emotions are normal; in fact, all feelings and emotions are good. They provide us with feedback that we need to address something. However, some emotions do not resolve themselves completely; they can cause an obstruction in the physical body, sending out a continuous interference resonance. As a result, we perceive and respond to reality from our emotional pain.

The key piece of the Shadow Energetics system is the integration of our shadows with the goal of becoming whole and more heart-centred, by being able to accept ourselves and others unconditionally.

The term “shadow”, coined by Carl Jung and made popular by the late Debbie Ford, refers to the fact that other people mirror to us what we had to disown growing up. As we develop our personality, we learn to identify with certain personality traits, usually those which were deemed good by others and brought us attention and love in our environment. Yet, all energy outside in the world exists inside of us. Because we have learned to disown certain ways of being, we can only perceive the unwanted traits in projection in others. We carry them inside of us as “shadows”.

A shadow can either be a “dark shadow” or “light shadow”. Dark shadows, contrary to what I occasionally hear, have absolutely nothing to do with evil or with an Ego that we need to get rid off, but simply with the fact that we are human and flawed. That which we do not like or that which we hate about ourselves—and think that we are not—is a dark shadow. We also all carry light shadows, which are the qualities we admire in others, but again, which we think we are not. The truth is, we are everything: Good and bad.

Debbie Ford compares our traits, the ones we like and the ones we don’t like, to a pack of wolves. Her quote from her book “Why Good People Do Bad Things” says it best:

“Truth be told, there is a whole pack of wolves running around inside us – the loving wolf, the kind-hearted wolf, the smart wolf, the sensitive wolf, the strong wolf, the selfless wolf, the open-hearted wolf, and the creative wolf. Along with these positive aspects exists the dissatisfied wolf, the ungrateful wolf, the entitled wolf, the nasty wolf, the selfish wolf, the shameful wolf, the lying wolf, and the destructive wolf. Each day we have the opportunity to acknowledge all of these wolves. All these parts of ourselves, and we get to choose how we will relate to each of them. Will we stand in judgement on some and pretend some don’t exist or are we going to take ownership of the entire pack?” (Debbie Ford, Why Good People Do Bad Things)

Should we only feed the white wolves and ignore the black ones? If we only feed what we were told is “good”, and try to starve the other impulses and energies inside of us, the latter will wait for an opportunity to attack when we least expect it. ALL energy USED WITH CONSCIOUSNESS is good, beneficial or useful in some way. However, the key is that we are consciously aware of our shadows and have learned to love ourselves with them. Loving ourselves including our darkness allows us to truly love and accept others with all their imperfections and flaws as well.

Join us for the next SHADOW ENERGETICS WORKSHOP at the end of May. You will learn all the processes to do your own healing work and/or to use them with your clients. To find out more about what is included in this four day training please click here or read testimonials of past students.

If you would like to read more on the topic of beliefs and shadows, or watch Debbie Ford’s movie, the following products are available on amazon by clicking the image links.

(DVD)

 

Contact me for

individual coaching sessions or couples’ sessions.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

I know your time is valuable and I appreciate you reading my blog. If you enjoy my articles, you can subscribe to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to enter your email address in the field in the left sidebar. Thank you for your support!

“Only Over My Dead Body” – Hiding Parts of Us in Relationships

Listen to the blog article as an extended version on my podcast, or read it below!

David was always interested in motorcycles. But when he and Lisa met during university, he didn’t have the money to buy a bike. Lisa lost her cousin in a motorcycle accident and felt very strongly that riding a motor bike meant taking an unnecessary risk. When David and Lisa fell in love with each other, they were fascinated by their differences in personality and character. Within the first year of their marriage, their daughter arrived, and two years later, their twins followed. David put the wish for a bike aside, especially because he knew how Lisa would feel about him riding one. She told him he would only ride a bike “over my dead body”. So David exiled the part in him that was dreaming about riding across Canada on a bike.

David also used to love watching action and science fiction movies, but Lisa did not like any kind of violence. He slowly began to exile the part in him that found enjoyment in these movies. Lisa preferred to go to the theatre, art shows and other cultural events. David felt out of place in those settings. At first, he went with her because he simply loved to spend time with her, but then he became more and more reluctant. Lisa asked him less and less to go to these activities. They stayed home more. Instead of finding a friend to join her, she began to exile her culture loving part for David.

Lisa was always interested in meditations, Reiki and in crystals. When David met Lisa, her apartment was full of crystals, she went to a weekly Reiki share and meditated every day. She considered learning how to use crystals for healing and how to read tarot cards. She easily connected with others and made new friends quickly. As much as David was originally fascinated by her intuitive and spiritual nature and by her ability to connect with others, it over time began to scare him; he felt left out and threatened. He would either get clingy and retreat when Lisa met with her spiritual friends, or cynical and offensive. When that cynical part took David over, he called her friends “airheaded dreamers” who were into “new age nonsense”. Lisa stopped going to the Reiki shares and when her kids arrived, she even stopped meditating. The crystals were banished to a corner in the basement, and she gave up on her dream to be a healer. She exiled the part of her which thrived on intuitive and spiritual endeavours.

Lisa also loved animals, but David was bitten by a dog when he was young and did not want pets. Lisa gave in and exiled her pet loving part for David. After all, David had given up his interest in bikes for her. Each time she met somebody on the street walking a St Bernard, her favourite kind of dog, she longingly stopped to pat the dog, wishing she could get one for her kids and for herself.

Ten years after they originally met, David and Lisa appreciate each other as parents but they have an almost non-existing life beyond their children. Both are carrying resentment because they feel they had to hide away some parts of themselves. David’s brother just bought himself a bike and took part of the summer off to ride from coast to coast. David is feeling a dissatisfaction in his life and annoyance towards Lisa but can’t quite put his finger on the reason for it, until he realizes the connection. There is a part in him that feels trapped and angry. And if he does not address this, the part might take over in a destructive way. Lately, he has found himself very attracted to a female colleague who embodies freedom and danger for him by the way she lives her life.

Lisa has also been feeling depressed. The other day, she bumped into a spiritually minded girlfriend who she had lost touch with. When her friend Valerie told her how she has opened an alternative healing centre with a group of people, Lisa realized how much her spiritual part has been starving. She accepted her friends invitation to check out the centre but did not tell David about it, weary of how he will feel about this.

David and Lisa have done what we often naturally do in relationships. We all have many different parts. Some parts are given space in our relationships, others don’t get any room for expression. Some of our parts we already had to hide away and exile when we were young because we were told that they were bad or wrong. Or we experienced that we were hurt when showing one of those more vulnerable parts. Those hidden childhood wounds affect our relationships subconsciously in a variety of ways. Shadow Energetics works on embracing these dark or light shadows which other people mirror back to us. IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy also works towards more wholeness by connecting, unburdening and reintegrating these younger exiled parts.

Beyond our original exiles, we often also disown parts of us when we are in a relationship, in order to make our partner and ourselves feel safer. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, calls these parts neo-exiles. These are parts of us that are exiled because they are seen as threatening to the relationship.

When they met, Lisa and David were drawn to each other by the longing we all have to be loved and feel safe. Lisa liked how strong David was and how he could fix anything around the house or solve any practical problems. She liked that he was, as she says “a typical guy”. He was confident, had a strong male energy and seemed to be in control of things. The younger child parts inside of her felt looked after and safe.

David loved Lisa’s free spirit and passion. She was more outgoing than he was and had such a loving open way with people. He felt truly seen and loved by her ability to accept others. His younger parts were drawn to her emotional intelligence and fascinated by her joy for life and for people. He felt emotionally taken care of and accepted.

Over time, the qualities that attracted Lisa and David to each other became a threat to their relationship, due to their own vulnerable child parts which feared being unlovable and abandoned. They unconsciously chose to exile parts of themselves, out of fear of losing the relationship.

In order to reassure our partner and our own vulnerable parts, we might—similar to Lisa and David—exile certain parts of ourselves and expect our partner to do the same. “Unlike the parts you exiled when young, however, these neo-exiles once had a great deal of power. They aren’t used to being excluded, and they continue to have loud voices in your inner family despite their loss of influence. If, because of how you interact with your partner, there continues to be no room in your life for them, they can sabotage the relationship.” (Schwartz, You Are The One, 100)

Both Lisa and David noticed that they felt restricted in their expression of their passions and resentful about having to give up parts of themselves. They needed to become aware of the dynamics and the fears underneath.

The fear of not being lovable if we show our true self is at the core of the creation of neo-exiles. “There are many different versions of this neo-exiling dance, all fueled by one or both partners’ abandonment anxiety.” (Schwartz, You Are The One, 103)

The next step for Lisa and David is to work out ways in which these parts can be reintegrated into their relationship. What is a solution for David to live the part in him that loves the freedom of riding a bike and the excitement of action movies? What compromises can they find for Lisa to not have to exile her culture loving part, her spiritual energy and her dog loving part? Different techniques like IFS Inspired Coaching, Belief Changes through PSYCH-K® or Shadow Energetics, Emotional Releases or other coaching tools allow Lisa and David to create space for all parts of them.

Here is a JOURNAL EXERCISE if you are wondering about neo-exiles in your own relationship:

  1. What parts of yourself have you exiled / disowned in your relationship(s)?
  2. How much have your own fears led your partner—or other people you are in a relationship with—to exile parts of themselves?

 

If you are curious about finding out more about IFS inspired coaching and about working with your exiled parts contact me for a free phone consultation. I offer sessions for individuals and couples.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

I know your time is valuable and I appreciate you reading my blog. If you are enjoying my articles, you can subscribe to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to enter your email address in the field in the left sidebar. Thank you for your support!

Experiencing Shame: Women vs Men

“Will you stop guilt tripping me?!” exclaims Peter. His wife Linda, sitting across from him, stops with surprise on her face. “I am not trying to make you feel guilty. I am just trying to get through to you. I want to see changes…” Her voice trails off. Peter has shut down. His body language indicates that what he is actually feeling right now is not guilt but shame.

Even though Peter feels that Linda is trying to control him by making him feel guilty, the emotion that is actually triggered for him is shame. Guilt and shame are related, yet they have different directions and are dissimilar emotions. We experience guilt when we feel that we have done something bad, we have made a mistake or not the strongest choice in a certain situation. We are able to apologize and let the other person know we will make a different choice next time. The focus is on the behaviour and we are separate from our behaviour. Shame is way more debilitating. It is the experience of being bad, of feeling that there is something profoundly or deeply wrong with who we are. Shame is directed at the person themselves. What is most devastating about this emotion is that we believe we deserve our shame. Shame corrodes the parts in us that believe that we can do better.

Shame is highly correlated with depression, rage, suicide, addictions, and eating disorders. Guilt, on the other hand, is inversely related to these experiences because the more we are able to separate ourselves from our actions, behaviours or choices, the less we are pulled into self-loathing or the feeling of worthlessness which leads to depression and addictions. We are able to see that we did something that was not in line with our values but we do not experience being fundamentally bad.

Most of us grew up with being shamed by our care-givers. As parents, we need to make clear distinctions between who our child is and what they did. A sentence like “You are a bad girl/bad boy” instead of “you are a good girl/boy but you didn’t make a good choice”, teaches us to feel ashamed. We carry this shame into our adult life and it gets triggered by similar situations and events.

In my last article, we explored the Inner Critic voice more and talked about how to cultivate an Inner Champion that helps us to not get caught up in shame and instead to feel good enough. The more shame we carry inside, the easier it is for our Inner Critic to make us feel flawed and lacking.

Brené Brown has researched how men and women experience shame differently and that there are gender specific shame issues. If we want to help our partner to not be activated into experiencing shame, we need to understand more about this emotion and how it affects us all.

Most of us, like Peter, are unaware that we are even experiencing shame. We will substitute the word shame with guilt. It is part of our culture that it is shaming in itself to admit to feeling shame. The assumption is if I am acknowledging shame, or like Brené Brown says “claiming shame”, it means I am somebody who should be ashamed. The same can apply to fear or anger. There is a stigma to feeling these emotions, so we are not even able to recognize them correctly. Anger can often cover up fear or shame.

Brené Brown points out that shame is the birthplace of perfectionism and anger. She says, “in my experience, men have two switches when it comes to shame: pissed off and shut down.” Peter in our example shuts down and has shut down many times before in his interactions with his wife. Linda is unaware of how she triggers shame for him and is unable to help him out of that experience of shame.

It starts with recognizing and acknowledging the emotion of shame. “If we don’t claim shame, it claims us” (Brené Brown). It corrodes all our relationships and we might give up on them because we can just not stand the feeling of not being good enough anymore. When we claim this emotion as what it really is, we can work with those younger parts in us which we have exiled because they were shamed by somebody in the past. Working through shame gives us the gift to live a life without playing small. It’s the opportunity to step into who we truly are, and to build the respectful loving relationships we really want.

According to Brené Brown’s research, shame is different for women and men. The women she interviewed told her that shame is “being rejected, not being able to do it all and most of all shame is people seeing you are struggling or failing”. Linda feels most ashamed when she feels she didn’t manage to be the perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect daughter and perfect career woman. Peter can trigger her shame when he shares with their common friends or his mother that Linda had a fight with her own mother or yelled at their daughter. She feels deeply ashamed when what she says is “private” is revealed without her consent. These are the areas she feels vulnerable and exposed in and Peter has a hard time understanding that being exposed and seen as flawed triggers the experience of shame for his wife.

One woman in Brené Browns studies said, “You work hard to keep up appearance and shame is when the mask is being pulled off and the unlikable parts of you are seen. It feels unbearable to be seen.” Shame for women is often also being an outsider and not belonging. Not getting “a seat at the table with the pretty popular girls”.

The shame experience that comes up for a lot for women is when others see that we are not holding it all together. Life for women is often about making sure no one ever sees how hard you are working to hold it all together. Not only is it shaming to not be able to keep all the balls in the air, but it’s shaming when people see us struggle.

Shame is also connected to what we as women believe to be feminine qualities. According to Jim Mihalik’s Research from Boston College, that is “being thin, nice, modest, and using all our resources in the pursuit of looking better”. So there is shame attached to not having the perfect body or not looking perfect at all times. Being caught in our pajamas or not having the perfect slim and trim body that the media have brain washed us into believing we need to have. PSYCH-K® or the belief change technique from Shadow Energetics can help reprogram our gender stereotypical subconscious beliefs.

For men, shame is “failure, at work, on the football field, in marriage, in bed, with money, with your family, with your children, it doesn’t matter.” Shame is being wrong as opposed to doing something wrong. Shame is a sense of being defective. Shame occurs when people think you are soft or afraid. Shame for men is connected to being perceived as weak. And shame is being criticized or being ridiculed. Peter feels when Linda criticizes him that he is defective and a failure as a husband, a father and as the provider of the family.

How can Linda and Peter get out of this dynamic of triggering each others shame and either of them shutting down, or getting angry in response?

As a first step, they both need to learn to become aware when shame is being triggered for either of them and have empathy for each other. Present day interactions bring up our conscious and subconscious childhood memories. With IFS (Internal Family Systems), Linda and Peter can rescue and unburden the inner children which have experienced shame in the past. As they heal these parts in themselves with self-compassion and empathy, shame loses its power over them. As they both work individually on their own childhood experiences related to shame, they are activated less and less into this emotion. They are able to communicate differently and problem solve better without this incapacitating emotion taking over.

Let me finish with another quote by Brené Brown:

“Show me a woman who can sit with a man in vulnerability

and really hold space for him,

I show you a woman who has really done her work.

If you show me a man who can be with a woman in struggle,

who is in pain, and he can just hear her and validate her,

without trying to fix it or make it better,

I show you a man who has done his work.”

 

If you are curious about finding out more about working with your parts in general or the emotion of shame specifically, contact me for a free phone consultation. I offer sessions for individuals and couples.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

I know your time is valuable and I appreciate you reading my blog. If you are enjoying my articles, you can subscribe to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to enter your email address in the field in the left sidebar. Thank you for your support!

 

 

Perfectly Imperfect Mother

My mom passed on six years ago. Each Mother’s Day, I think of her, of course, and ever so often I talk to her. I allow myself to feel good about the relationship we had, and I also realize that there were more lessons we could have learned. I know that she loved me with an unwavering affection, no matter what, even when I was less than patient with her. Mother love can be like no other: forgiving and enduring, even when there are fights or misunderstandings. However, when we are in the middle of a conflict, it can seem like it just can’t be resolved.

It is normal and natural that parents and children push each others buttons. We trigger each others disowned parts or shadows. Those issues are an invitation to become more whole within our own being and to create a more loving and accepting relationship with each other.

What is often in the way of truly loving our parents is that we have unrealistic expectations of them. Instead of accepting them the way they are, we want picture perfect parents. According to that picture, our mother is supposed to be always there to support us, always listening and empathizing perfectly. She is supposed to have the answers and be the wiser one to guide us. We want to admire her and look up to her. She is supposed to have it all figured out.

And sometimes mothers manage to do some of that but what if they are also just human like we are? What if sometimes they are as lost as we are? What if they don’t always act in a way that we admire? What if they also battle fears and limiting beliefs about themselves and the world? What if they trigger strong emotions for us and we don’t always bring the best out in each other?

If the relationship is challenging, we can conclude that it is just not worth bothering or too frustrating to deal with. Or we can ask ourselves, what relationship do I want to have with my mother, and what does it take to get there? Who do I need to be in order to have a healthy, satisfying relationship with her, in which my needs and values are respected?

Louise Hay suggests that you ask yourself what kind of relationship you would like to have with your mother and to put that into affirmative statement form, and start declaring it for yourself. Start opening up to the possibility to create the best relationship possible. Ask yourself what your needs are in this relationship. There will be some needs which are non-negotiable and a must in the interactions, and others that you are willing to have met elsewhere.

Decide what it is you need. She may not approve of how you live your life, but it is not necessary to make her wrong. All you need to know is that you approve of your life choices. You are an adult and if you meet her as an adult that approves of him or herself, she might surprise you.

Lead with vulnerability and let her know that you want a loving, successful relationship with her. Be very specific about how you want to show up in this relationship without trying to change or control her. Share your needs and boundaries in a loving way. Simply let her know how much it means to you to meet her from heart to heart.

Some subconscious belief changes which might help you in meeting your mom eye-to-eye are

  1. I have reasonable expectations of my mother as another human being.
  2. I allow her to be perfectly imperfect.
  3. I accept my mother the way she is.
  4. I view her with eyes of kindness and understanding.
  5. I show up as the best me in this relationship.
  6. I approve of myself and my choices.
  7. I am free of any need for approval.
  8. I embrace the best relationship that is possible with her.

 

If you would like to improve any relationship or change some subconscious beliefs, using techniques like PSYCH-K® or Shadow Energetics, contact me for a free phone consultation

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca 

I know your time is valuable and I appreciate you reading my blog. If you are enjoying my articles, you can subscribe to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to enter your email address in the field in the left sidebar. Thank you for your support!