Anger is a strong protective emotion, but it is only like the tip of an iceberg. If we want to shift anger, we need to ask what more vulnerable emotions and unmet needs are hiding under the surface.
In each partnership, there are perpetual problems. In fact, 69% of problems a couple has are repeats because they are based on fundamental differences in personality, lifestyle, or needs. When we move from judgment into understanding, accepting and a productive dialogue, it does not need to mean the death sentence for a relationship to have unsolvable problems.
Going into a heart-coherent state allows us to listen and speak from the heart. We can shift out of criticism, defensiveness and contempt into a respectful and loving interaction. Heart-coherence promotes that we are less reactive, able to think more clearly and to problem solve effectively.
It is ingrained in most of us to have conversations in which one or both people get defensive and feel attacked due to us using generalized critical statements and blaming each other. The steps of Non-Violent Communication are easy and straightforward but they require a bit of practice. Communicating using these four steps is like training new muscles.
Women speak and hear a language of connection and intimacy, while men speak a language of status and independence. Women often communicate to create closeness, men more to convey information. Instead of different dialects they speak different genderlects.
Comparing parenting styles in Great Britain and Germany to Canada
clearly shows each country or culture has different values for parenting. What seems right in one culture might be frowned upon in another. Are there any common points independent of the culture that one might want to consider for parenting and/or step-parenting?
In order to communicate most successfully, we need to move beyond needing to be right and beyond making the other person wrong. If we want our feelings and needs to be respected, we need to stop judging other people’s feelings and needs and begin to truly accept and respect them.
By allowing others to cross our boundaries, we are saying to ourselves that we are not worthy of our feelings being addressed and our needs being met. We are not treating ourselves with love and respect. Daring to set boundaries means having the courage to love ourselves, instead of pleasing others out of fear that they won’t love us anymore.
Nobody and nothing can prevent us from truly loving ourselves. It is our job to love ourselves; nobody can do it for us! No amount of love from the outside can penetrate through if we do not take the cape of self-judgment, self-loathing or even self-hatred off.
Have you heard the Asian tale of the five blind men and the elephant? Five blind men come upon an elephant. They have never heard of an elephant. The first man feels a leg of the elephant. He says, “Ah, I know what this is! An elephant is a pillar!” The second man grabs the…