Featured Image by Daniela Elena Tentis from Pixabay
Sarah sat across from me, looking exhausted. Not because she was working long hours. Not because she wasn’t sleeping. She was exhausted from trying to understand someone else’s behaviour.
A few months earlier, she had met a man she felt an instant connection with. Their dates were wonderful. He was attentive and affectionate, and he seemed genuinely interested in getting to know her. After each date, she felt hopeful.
Then something strange would happen.
A few days of silence. Brief, delayed replies. A sense that she was suddenly no longer important.
Just as Sarah started questioning everything, he would reappear. Warm, engaging, enthusiastic. The cycle would start all over again.
She was getting mixed signals all the time. When he was “hot,” she felt excited and optimistic. When he was “cold,” she felt anxious, confused, and preoccupied.
She found herself constantly asking:
- “Did I do something wrong?”
- “Should I text again?”
- “Maybe he’s just busy.”
- “What if I give up too soon?”
The more inconsistent he became, the more emotional energy she invested in trying to figure him out. And that’s exactly what kept her stuck.
The Trap of Mixed Signals
One of the most challenging aspects of hot-and-cold behaviour is that it keeps us focused on moments rather than patterns. We remember the wonderful date. We replay the affectionate message. We focus on the times they seemed fully invested. Those moments feel meaningful, so we naturally want to believe they represent the person’s true feelings.
But there’s an important distinction many people miss that Matthew Hussey makes in his book “Love Life”:
Attention is not the same thing as intention.
Someone can give us wonderful attention in the moment. They can be charming, present, affectionate, and interested. What matters more is whether their actions consistently demonstrate an intention to build something with us. Consistency tells us far more than intensity. Inconsistency is a red flag.
The Question Sarah Needed to Stop Asking
Sarah spent months asking: “Why is he acting this way?”
- Maybe he was afraid of commitment.
- Maybe he was emotionally unavailable.
- Maybe he liked her, but wasn’t ready for a relationship.
- Maybe he genuinely was busy.
The truth is that she couldn’t know for certain. More importantly, she didn’t need to know.
The real question was: “Is this behaviour creating the kind of relationship I want?”
That question shifted everything for her. Instead of becoming a detective trying to solve his behaviour, she started paying attention to her own experience. And her experience was clear. She felt anxious. She felt uncertain. She felt like she was constantly waiting. She felt as though the relationship only existed when he decided it existed.
Looking at Reality Instead of Potential
Many of us are drawn to potential. We see glimpses of what a relationship could become and begin investing emotionally in that future.
We tell ourselves:
- “When they get through this busy period…”
- “When their financial situation has improved…”
- “When they’re ready…”
- “When they realize how good we are together…”
Meanwhile, we overlook what’s happening right now. Sarah realized she wasn’t dating the person she hoped he would become. She was dating the person who regularly disappeared and reappeared. That wasn’t a judgment of him. It was simply an honest observation of reality.
When she stopped focusing on potential and started looking at patterns, she saw something important: The relationship wasn’t giving her the sense of mutual effort and consistency she wanted.
The Shift
The biggest change came when Sarah stopped trying to earn certainty from someone who wasn’t providing it. Instead of chasing clarity through more texts, more patience, or more understanding, she redirected her energy toward herself.
She asked:
- What do I need in a relationship?
- Do we value the same for a relationship?
- What behaviours make me feel valued and secure?
- Am I choosing someone who is choosing me?
For the first time, her attention shifted from whether he would commit to whether the situation was actually meeting her needs. That shift felt uncomfortable at first. After all, when we’re emotionally invested, we often believe that getting the relationship is the goal. But Sarah discovered that the real goal was finding a relationship where interest, effort, and investment flowed both ways.
What Happened Next
Interestingly, once Sarah stopped chasing certainty, she became calmer. She wasn’t checking her phone every few minutes. She wasn’t analyzing every message. She wasn’t building her week, especially her weekends, around the possibility that he might reach out. Her life became fuller again.
And something surprising happened. Whether he changed or not became less important. She no longer felt trapped in the cycle. She had regained something far more valuable than his attention: Her own sense of choice.
Six months later, she met someone whose interest wasn’t confusing. Someone whose actions aligned with their words. Someone who showed up consistently. The relationship felt less dramatic than the previous one. It also felt safer, easier, and far more fulfilling.
Takeaways
- Pay attention to patterns, not isolated moments.
- Intensity and chemistry are not the same as consistency and commitment.
- Attention is valuable, but intention matters more.
- You do not need to fully understand someone’s behaviour in order to decide whether it works for you.
- The most empowering question is not “Why are they acting this way?” but “Is this relationship meeting my needs?”
- Healthy relationships are built on mutual effort, not one person carrying the emotional load.
- Choosing yourself often begins by choosing situations that choose you back.
Ready to Break Free from Patterns that Hold You Back?
If you find yourself stuck in cycles of overthinking, chasing clarity, or accepting less than you deserve, coaching can help you develop the confidence, self-awareness, and boundaries you need to build healthier relationships.
If you’d like support in identifying unhelpful patterns and building relationships that feel secure, balanced, and fulfilling, I’d love to help.