Have you ever realized in retrospect that you wanted something so much, for example, a business partnership or a romantic relationship, that you ignored signs and so-called red flags, which over time caused serious issues for you? In his book “Love Life,” Matthew Hussey dedicates an entire chapter to the topic of “Red Flags” in love relationships.
Why We Miss Red Flags
One of the first points Hussey makes is that we are biologically wired to hope and idealize. Emotional and physical attraction, and the honeymoon period of a relationship, in which we overlook incompatibilities and behavioural evidence for issues, but instead focus on what we have in common, blind us to the fact that someone may not be a good partner for us.
We tend to give people the benefit of the doubt because:
1.) We don’t want to be judged, e.g. for being too critical.
2.) We interpret our anxious feelings as “excitement” or “intensity” and believe they are just part of falling in love.
3.) We romanticize patterns we subconsciously recognize from past relationships or familiar emotional blueprints. We have a bias towards what is “familiar” because it reminds us of what we experienced as “love” in our childhood and youth.
4.) We might be afraid of being alone or fear that nothing better will come along. In that case, the tendency to ignore unhealthy patterns is even greater.
What Is A Red Flag
Hussey lays out several consistent behaviours that he believes are reliable indicators of deeper issues. These patterns of behaviour can predict how someone will treat you in the long term.
Here are the core red flags he highlights:
1. Talking Badly About Multiple Exes
When someone repeatedly criticizes their past partners or blames every breakup on others, it often reflects:
1.) A lack of self-reflection.
2.) An inability to take accountability.
3.) A pattern of attracting or repeating unhealthy interactions in relationships.
2. Treating People Poorly When No One Is Watching
Actions speak louder than words, especially in how someone treats people they don’t need to impress. Hussey stresses that kindness toward others, especially strangers or those in less powerful positions, such as restaurant servers, shows true character.
If someone is charming in public but dismissive, rude, or condescending when they believe no one is watching, this signals a fundamental disrespect and lack of empathy that will eventually surface in your relationship as well.
3. “Love Bombing”
Love bombing is the experience of excessive affection, grand gestures, intense love declarations or premature planning of a common future before trust has been established. While it may feel flattering, Hussey warns it often:
1.) Masks insecurity.
2.) Skips essential relationship pacing.
3.) Can foreshadow unrealistic expectations or manipulation.
When affection is too intense too fast, it can create emotional pressure or a false sense of intimacy that doesn’t match reality.
4. Refusal or Inability to Apologize
A person who cannot genuinely apologize or who even blames you instead of accepting responsibility shows a lack of emotional maturity. Apologies are indicators of empathy, accountability, and the capacity to grow in relationships.
“When someone avoids accountability, even in small conflicts, it often leads to unresolved resentment and emotional distance over time.” (Matthew Hussey)
5. Consistently Broken Promises
One of Hussey’s most emphasized points is that a person’s reliability is measured more by what they do than what they say. Repeatedly failing to keep promises or agreements, no matter how small, erodes trust and communicates a lack of care for the other person.
I often hear from people with ADD or ADHD that they find it hard to keep all their commitments and promises. While this offers an explanation, it cannot serve as an excuse for being a consistently unreliable partner. It requires working on not making promises we can’t keep and using additional tools to be more dependable.
6. Inconsistent Communication
Unpredictable texting, flakiness, disappearing for long stretches, or erratic responses speak for themselves. Hussey points out that inconsistency often signals uncertainty of intention or a lack of genuine investment.
When someone only communicates on their terms or disappears without explanation, especially repeatedly, it may mean:
1.) They’re keeping their options open.
2.) They prioritize their comfort over your emotional security.
3.) Their interest is not aligned with yours.
Why These Red Flags Matter
Hussey frames red flags as signals of compatibility, emotional maturity, and long-term potential. What might seem minor early on, like skipping a promised phone call, cancelling on dinner plans, or ignoring boundaries in conversation, can escalate into significant problems later, when commitment deepens or stressful times arise.
Learning From Past Choices
A substantial part of this chapter deals not just with spotting red flags in others but recognizing why you tolerated them before. Hussey urges readers to:
1.) Reflect on past relationships.
2.) Identify patterns you previously ignored.
3.) Understand your role in allowing certain behaviours.
Self-awareness is key. You might have ignored red flags out of fear of loneliness, uncertainty about what is “acceptable” or “excusable”, or a subconscious attachment to familiar patterns. By identifying these patterns, you can prevent repeating them.
Amber Lights vs. Red Lights
Not every concern is a full red flag; Hussey introduces the idea of “amber lights” — behaviours that make you pause and warrant exploration rather than immediate exit. These might include:
1.) Small inconsistencies that appear once.
2.) Fear of vulnerability before trust has been established.
3.) Unresolved emotional wounds that may not be directed at you.
Whether something is a true “red light” is determined by whether it is a pattern rather than an isolated incident and by the person’s willingness to communicate honestly and grow. If a partner shows honesty, empathy, and accountability, an amber light might be an opportunity for conversation rather than a dealbreaker.
The Cost of Ignoring Red Flags
Hussey is very clear about the consequences of ignoring red flags:
1.) Emotional exhaustion.
2.) Mistrust and insecurity.
3.) Repeated cycles of heartbreak due to disappointments or relationships ending.
4.) Relationship burnout and stagnation.
We are teaching others how to treat us by what we tolerate. Accepting red flag behaviours, believing our acceptance is a sign of compassion or being “easygoing,” or silently hoping the person will change, tends to reinforce those patterns rather than discourage them.
What to Do If You Spot Red Flags
Hussey’s advices
1.) Acknowledge the behaviour without minimizing it.
2.) Communicate openly and honestly — express your concern, ask questions, and observe reactions. Open conversations speak to intention and respect. They either facilitate growth or clarify incompatibility.
3.) Assess patterns, not one-offs — evaluate whether the behaviour is consistent or changeable.
4.) Decide based on alignment with your values — check if this relationship is really in line with your main values and prioritize how you want to be treated.
Takeaways
1.) Red flags are not judgment calls; they are behavioural signals that matter.
2.) Attraction can mask warning signs. So don’t fall for tender or charming words over consistent action.
3.) Reflection on your past choices builds better discernment for future relationships.
4.) Honest communication is a powerful tool for testing whether a red flag is deal-breaking or worth understanding.
If you are wondering about potential red flags, and you want to get clarity for yourself
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