Why does conflict often seem to quickly escalate? We often make a major mistake when we feel blamed or our partner approaches us with strong emotions, especially the ones we perceive as “negative”. You can shift your conflict interactions immediately by changing just one thing!
You can watch the video or read the blog below to find out if you are making this one mistake in your conflict interactions with your spouse:
Let’s begin with an escalating conflict conversation and examine it. Adriane and Ben are a couple in their forties. Today is their wedding anniversary.
Adriane: I am upset that you didn’t notice that today is our wedding anniversary.
Ben (dismissive): Aren’t we going to celebrate next week together with Jeff and Karen like we always do? Does it matter when I say Happy Anniversary and give you a card?
Adriane (more emotional & critical)): You know that I care about anniversaries. I have told you so many times, but you never listen.
Ben (dismissive and defensive): I listen, but I don’t think it is a big deal. Why do you always make such a big deal out of little things?
Two of the four horsemen (criticism & defensiveness) have entered the conversation early on, and one or both partners are likely emotionally flooded. That means if they continue the discussion with their nervous systems activated into “fight or flight,” the fight will escalate further, and what they say next will cause further damage.
All fights that go wrong have one major thing in common. That mistake is not acknowledging or even dismissing your spouse’s negative emotions. If you stop ignoring and instead validate all emotions, you will experience very different conflict interactions.
We often learn that strong negative emotions like anger or disappointment are wrong and must be avoided. However, when the negative emotions that your spouse is expressing aren’t listened to but minimized, invalidated or dismissed, they intensify. When your partner does not feel heard and seen, the fight escalates.
Here is how this conversation between Adrian and Ben could have gone differently:
Adriane: I am upset that you didn’t notice that it was our anniversary today.
Ben (putting down his phone and making eye contact): I am so sorry. I totally forgot what date it was today.
Adriane: It made me feel really sad and unimportant. You have been so busy at work lately, and I sometimes feel forgotten.
Ben: You are right. I know how important anniversaries are to you, even though they don’t mean as much to me. I should have set a calendar alarm and acknowledged our anniversary today.
Adriane: Thank you for saying that. I felt alone all day, but now I feel a bit better.
Ben: How can I make it up to you? Do you want to go for dinner tonight?
Adriane: No. That’s okay. We will go for dinner to celebrate with Jeff and Karen next week. I am just glad that you understood how I felt.
Ben: I totally get why you felt disappointed. Can I hug you?
Acknowledging emotions without getting defensive, especially anger and everything more vulnerable underneath anger, makes a massive difference in the outcome of a conflict.
Please share this tip with others who can benefit from it. Subscribe to my blog to be notified of future posts. You might also like my YouTube channel, where you can find many relationship advice videos.
If you and your partner want to get better at managing conflicts,
reach out for a complimentary Zoom consultation
to see if we would be a good fit to work together.