Featured Image by Juergen Striewski from Pixabay
On April 23, Dr. Sue Johnson sadly passed away at age 76. She founded Emotionally Focused Therapy, which has had an essential influence on couples therapy. In honour of her passing, I want to focus on one of her key findings: the “Hold Me Tight” or bonding conversation.
Henry and Sarah are a couple in their late fifties with grown-up children. Lately, Sarah has rediscovered her love for dancing, is taking dance classes and going for social dances with her classmates. Henry who does not feel comfortable dancing has a hard time with this.
Henry: “You are going out dancing again? I guess you don’t care that I am home alone again.”
Sarah: “What do you mean “again”? Half of the time, I tell my friends I can’t go dancing because you sulk when I leave you alone.”
Henry: “Wow. That’s great to hear that you are just here out of obligation and not because you want to.”
Sarah: “That’s not what I said. I am just saying I am not going out a lot. And you are welcome to come along!”
Henry: “You know I don’t like dancing.”
The demand-defend pattern above repeats regularly at Sarah and Henry’s house. Even though it appears that way, their conversations are not about dancing. They are about deeper vulnerabilities. As human beings, we are acutely aware of any possible signs of rejection and abandonment.
To shift this into a successful interaction, Henry needs to tune into his own needs and the feeling that he is missing Sarah when she is not home. The story he tells himself when Sarah is going out dancing is that she does not need or miss him. Having realized what is going on for him, he needs to take the risk of reaching out to Sarah differently.
Henry: “We haven’t been having our usual snuggle time at night, and when I see that you are so happy going out dancing, I tell myself you don’t miss that. The story in my head is that you will fall in love with somebody you meet while out dancing, which scares me.”
Sarah: “Thank you for sharing. I didn’t realize you felt this way. You have nothing to worry about, darling. You know my classmates I dance with, and I am not looking to meet anybody else. I am totally committed to you, like I have been our entire marriage long.”
Henry: “That makes me feel better to hear. Can I make a request? Would you be willing to make more time for us?”
Sarah: “Yes, of course, you are right. We haven’t had as much snuggle time as we used to have. How about I come home earlier today and make time to cuddle and talk before bed?”
A “Hold Me Tight Conversation” is an interaction where one person is able to open up, reach for the other person, and share vulnerabilities, needs and fears in a way that pulls the other person close. It helps the other person to reach back and respond.
When Dr. Johnson started working with couples, she felt overwhelmed being in a room with two people fighting. She became determined to watch couples’ interactions to discover patterns and analyze what was happening. One of her discoveries was that disconnection leads to fights. Most fights are not about the content of the fight (money, parenting, housework, sex, etc.) but about feeling unheard, unseen, and disconnected. She realized that emotions organize our inner world and that our reptilian brain is wired to bonding conversations. Interactions in which we feel safe and bonded to others are full of survival significance for us. We feel safety, joy and expansion through the deep connection to others.
Adult attachment, initially laughed at twenty years ago, is today recognized as one of the broadest theories of personality development. It is a relational theory that demonstrates how learned attachment styles significantly impact our marriages or long-term partnerships.
As Sue Johnson liked to say, we are like fish, and the water we swim in is our relationships. A lack of connection in our relationships makes us look like fish out of water. Instead of trying to survive alone, bonding and connection “puts the fish back in the water.” It creates a more open, responsive “dance” between the two people.
When we change the interactions in a relationship in ways that positively affect our nervous system, we start to create a safe connection with our partner. From attachment theory, we know what basic variables define the quality of a bond. Those variables are emotional availability, responsiveness, and engagement, and they can be created and experienced in couples counselling sessions and continued at home. New emotional experiences that couples have together in sessions are more powerful than theoretical understanding. It is an opportunity to assimilate wisdom through experience rather than trying to apply a theory.
Johnson has phrased the big relationship question as, “Are you there for me? Can I count on you? Are you available, responsive and willing to engage with me?” To read more about the concept of A.R.E., click on “A.R.E. You There for Me?”
Image by Ray Shrewsberry • from Pixabay
Availability, responsiveness and engagement require attunement. Sue Johnson was, among others, a dancer who was passionate about Argentine tango. Being able to tune into your partner’s energy is a great skill we can develop when dancing. Argentine Tango is the most challenging yet fascinating of all dances because it is all about attunement. Unlike international ballroom tango, Argentine tango is a completely improvised dance based on a learnable structure. It requires that the dancers flow in synchrony. Sue Johnson used to say she is a completely different dancer when she dances with somebody she feels safe with. With one partner, she might be an average or “boring” dancer, as she says, while with another one she trusts, she can relax, let go, play and explore, which creates an exceptional dance.
What is true for Argentine tango applies to the “dance” between partners. When we feel securely connected to a significant other, our sense of self and our behavioural repertoire expand. We experience safety in exploring, playing, opening up, and sharing our basic fears and needs. To be a good team in life we need to be attuned to each other, know and read each other well.
In our society, we unfortunately believe that the most functional way to deal with our emotions is to be self-sufficient and to self-soothe. However, if we are alone with our vulnerabilities, we are more prone to get depressed. Self-soothing is a useful skill because there is not always someone available around. However, the basic insight of attachment therapy is to take our vulnerabilities to a safe person to share the load and get their support because our nervous system is not wired to deal with our vulnerabilities all on our own. We are social bonding beings.
We also define ourselves in these intimate relationships. Others mirror back to us how they see us. They help us see and name things in ourselves that we might not have put into words yet. When they see potential in us, it brings forth growth because we are more likely to see that potential in ourselves. And if they witness all our experiences, including our struggles, without judgment and acknowledge our more vulnerable feelings, it fosters strength and resilience in us to weather the storms of life.