Does it sometimes feel like you are having the same fight over and over again? Perhaps your repeated disagreements involve money, work, neatness at home, sex, your extended family, housework, the children, religion, health or different social needs—the list is endless. Pretty much any topic could be one you keep getting back to as a couple.
According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, all conflicts can be divided into two types—solvable and perpetual problems.
Only 31% of all fights we have with our spouses have solutions! 69% of issues are perpetual problems that will come up over and over throughout a marriage. There are no solutions that will make these issues go away. These disagreements are inevitable. Couples need to learn to live with them and manage them. Perpetual conflicts have to do with differences in personality, values or needs between couples. Couples might have similar values, but two people hardly ever have overlapping values and needs.
For example:
- An introvert has different needs than an extrovert. The introverted spouse requires more alone time to recharge, while the extroverted spouse has a greater desire to socialize and be around other people to reenergize.
- One spouse might need an organized and tidy living space to feel comfortable and think clearly. The other spouse might not be affected much by their surroundings and is messier.
- One spouse might value safety and security as their highest value and hence strive to save money for retirement, while their partner values freedom over security and tends to spend more on living in the present.
- One partner wants to only go on vacations with the children because they value family memories over everything else and worries about leaving the kids with relatives. Their spouse is hoping to go on a couples-get-away because they are longing to connect one-on-one like at the beginning of their marriage.
When we choose a life partner, we choose a set of perpetual conflicts. If there are too many differences to overcome or you are faced with a dealbreaker, the marriage will not last, but for most couples, perpetual conflicts are about finding a way to understand, compromise and live with them. These conflicts are not about winning but creating a win-win in each situation. Both spouses must be willing to approach each other with compassion and curiosity, express their needs, and—ultimately—accept each other’s differences.
If you and your spouse want to understand each other at a deeper level and learn to manage your perpetual conflicts, contact me for a free Zoom consultation to see if we are a good fit to work together.