Which Is Your Conflict Style, and Which Is Your Partner’s?

Here is a couple, both in their early forties, fighting. Let’s examine their conflict styles and why their fight does not go well.

Lucille: I just looked at the credit card bill and couldn’t believe it! When were you going to tell me that you bought camping gear for the kids? I told you a week ago that we must put money away each month and start saving for retirement. 

John: I didn’t hide this from you; I just didn’t have an opportunity to tell you. 

Lucille (her tone of voice rising): You always do this. You don’t listen to me!

John (keeping a calm tone): That’s not true. I heard you, but I don’t think we are doing that badly. We both have steady jobs, and I will soon get a promotion so that we can save more. The kids are looking forward to that camping trip, which is cheaper than taking them to a resort.

Lucille (now yelling): Do you think I don’t want the kids to have a good time? It’s always “later” for you. If we don’t start saving now, we will end up like my parents, who can’t afford anything! And they will need more and more financial support from us. How are we supposed to save and take care of them as well? I don’t want to live in poverty when we are old.

John (trying to sound reassuring): Honey, you’re exaggerating. We still have lots of time to save. We will be okay.

Lucille is not about to give up this discussion yet, but we will stop “listening in” now. Even this excerpt shows that Lucille and John speak different languages. She approaches him with strong emotions of anger and fear. He responds with rational arguments and tries to persuade her of his perspective without first acknowledging her feelings of anger, betrayal, helplessness, overwhelm and anxiety.

We learn beliefs about conflicts and fighting and how to express our emotions in our family of origin. Conflict experiences with our family and previous relationships shape our “fighting style” or “conflict style.”

Drs John and Julie Gottman distinguish between three “healthy” and two “unhealthy” conflict styles. Within a healthy partnership, there are conflict-avoiding, validating and volatile interactions. Each of these ways of dealing with conflict is not absolute. They exist on a spectrum, and partners show a tendency towards either avoiding fights, validating the other person when fighting or showing up with large, volatile emotions. 

To explain the differences, here are the three conflict styles in their purest form, but keep in mind that you are not necessarily 100% one way. We are humans, and you might not have one clear conflict style, but you more likely tend to lean towards one more than the other style or a blend of two styles. The descriptions below allow you to reflect on your general conflict style and beliefs about expressing emotions.

 

THE CONFLICT-AVOIDANT COUPLE

Conflict-avoidant couples tend to shy away from having conflictual discussions in general. They choose not to bring up issues that might “rock the boat” and threaten their equilibrium. 

There are two distinct types of conflict-avoidant couples. 

TYPE 1

The first type generally does not talk about diverging needs, perspectives, or issues. They have often arranged their lives in a way that creates division. Each has their “territory” and defined roles, resulting in each spouse having a separate sphere. Tensions go unspoken and unaddressed but can become the “elephant in the room.” The likelihood of becoming lonely and living almost completely isolated from each other is high.

TYPE 2

The second type of conflict-avoidant couples spend time together. They are very interested in each other and care about their spouse’s thoughts and feelings. They talk about those feelings but leave it at that. They are accepting of the fact that each of them feels differently about a situation. According to Drs. Gottman, this type tends to be the happiest couple of all types, even though they don’t know how to accept influence from each other and to get to a more overlapping perspective. 

What applies to all avoiders is that if there is no crisis, they can often cruise along just fine. However, they struggle when conflicts cannot be avoided because an emergency needs addressing. Also, the complaints and issues that aren’t brought up can catch up with them later. 

 

THE VALIDATING COUPLE

In contrast to avoiders, validators disagree and aren’t afraid to get into a debate. They are open to accepting each other’s influence, strive to persuade the other, and work on a compromise. They tend to be calm in conflict; there are no raised voices, but unlike the avoiders who strive to agree to disagree, they want to problem-solve and get somewhere in their discussions. 

They express some emotions but are very rational overall. Two validating people in a conflict will brainstorm to get to a solution—or if none can be achieved—to take turns conceding. Their approach is collaborative; they are teammates, not rivals. 

Even though validators tend to be rational and calm in conflict, they face issues. Their issues can arise from not allowing enough emotions and exploration because they want to avoid being volatile and instead give something up rather than risk a quarrel. Validators also tend to focus too much on logistics and lose track of positivity and connection. It is essential to get to compromise, but it is equally important to make your partner feel seen and heard in their experience. 

THE VOLATILE COUPLE

This couple has no fear of expressing emotion. They often immediately move into heated debates. They might even enjoy arguing and see it as a way to connect. Their fights can be explosive but include excited sparing, teasing, and humour. A volatile couple must ensure they do not lose their humour and positivity and make repair attempts. If the negativity and aggression in their interactions escalate and a fight gets out of control, it can do significant damage. They need to beware of sarcasm and contempt.

 

WHICH CONFLICT STYLE IS THE BEST?

This might sound like the validating couple has the healthiest conflict style, and research before Dr. John Gottman’s “love lab” experiments suggests precisely that. However, according to the data Gottman analyzed over several decades, it is not true that validators are the only successful couples who can make their marriage work over the long run. 

WITH ANY OF THESE THREE STYLES, YOU HAVE AN EQUAL SHOT AT BEING “MASTERS OF RELATIONSHIPS” because other factors determine a relationship’s success. 

 

THE MAGIC RATIO DURING CONFLICT

The success or failure of a marriage has more to do with the ratio of positive to negative interactions during a conflict. Couples need a percentage of five positive interactions to balance out one negative one. There is no right conflict style as long as the 5:1 ratio is observed during conflict and even a 20:1 ratio outside of a dispute. 

Such a negative interaction could be a sharp comment, a raised voice, a dismissive tone, an eye roll, a scoff or a mocking laugh, or a turning away from the partner instead of prioritizing the relationship’s needs. 

The Gottmans provide a list of positive interactions that can make up for a negative one (“Fight Right” page 51):

• an apology
• a smile
• a nod
• empathizing with your partner
• a reassuring physical touch
• validating something your partner has said
• pointing out what you and your partner have in common
• owning responsibility for your part in a problem
• saying “good point” or “fair enough”
• pointing out what you both do right
• recalling our past successes in conflict
• a joke/laughter

So, the success strategy, regardless of your preferred conflict style, is filling your interactions with more positive and connecting words and gestures. 

If we watch our partner and check in with ourselves, we can gauge whether the ratio is favourable. Check: 

Do you and your spouse feel listened to? 

Are there moments where you feel understood? 

Is there some lightness or laughter in the interactions?

Or is there a high emotional activation happening? Perhaps one or both of you are in “fight, flight or freeze” mode. 

In that case, you can do something about it. 

1. You can slow the interactions—or pause them and do a time-out. 
2. Pick any of the positive interactions above and inject them into the conversation.  
3. You can also call out what is happening and, for example, say, “I feel like this is going in the wrong direction. Can we reset and start over?”

 

Drs. John and Julie Gottman also name two unhealthy fighting styles, which are never successful and often lead to divorce if not changed. These two styles are 

THE HOSTILE COUPLE

Hostile couples are less expressive and more neutral than volatile couples, but instead of being collaborative, they are highly defensive. Volatiles might fight, but there is still some positivity. Hostile couples show little to no positivity. They don’t express curiosity, listen to their partner or try to problem-solve. They are often disillusioned and have a negative perspective of the other, using a lot of “you always” and “you never” accusations. 

Healthy, volatile couples express many emotions. They will raise their voices or cry with anger, sadness, and frustration. But their repair still functions, whether that is through an apology or a joke. There are no repair attempts in hostile dynamics, not even failed ones. Instead, hostile couples almost always use contempt, criticism, and defensiveness. 

THE HOSTILE-DETACHED COUPLE

Hostile-detached couples have drifted even further apart. They don’t bother arguing because they are so wrapped up in their individual pain and don’t care enough to fight. When one spouse says something that could be taken as bait or provocation, for example, “You have always been a cold and unfeeling person, and you just don’t care,” the other might agree, “I guess you are right. I don’t care.”

Hostile-detached couples have even lost conflict as a bridge to connection.

 

META-EMOTION MISMATCHES

Relationships come in all sorts of combinations. One volatile partner might end up with another volatile partner but might also be married to a validator or conflict-avoidant partner. In those cases, there is a meta-emotion mismatch. “Meta-emotion” refers to how we feel about emotions and whether we align in expressing them. Let me assure you that you are not condemned to fail if you and your partner have a meta-emotion mismatch. As a relationship coach, I often see couples who experience a meta-emotion mismatch because they struggle more with conflicts than partners with the same style. You can learn to resolve conflicts together successfully. Let’s examine the different combinations of conflict styles and specific challenges.

AVOIDANT-VALIDATOR

These two styles are fairly compatible. Their relationship is generally smooth until a problem cannot be ignored, and the validator asks the avoidant to back them up in a conflict with somebody outside of their relationship. The avoidant often finds it anxiety-inducing to do so, and the validator might feel unsupported and abandoned in those situations.

AVOIDANT-VOLATILE

This is the toughest combination because these two people are on the opposite spectrum in how they feel about conflicts. Initially, the avoidant might be attracted to the vivacious and animated energy of their volatile partner. However, in the long term, it becomes apparent that they don’t speak the same language. They often end up judging and not understanding each other.

To a volatile, an avoider seems detached and uncaring. They see avoiding conflicts as a huge issue because they want to hash out problems and “clear the air.” When the avoider does not want to engage, that is interpreted by the volatile as “you don’t care enough.” A volatile is looking for passionate emotions, for their partner to open up and be vulnerable. That is exactly what the avoider is desperately trying not to do. Conflict often triggers flooding and extreme overwhelm for avoiders. They misunderstand their partner’s intent and feel hurt and attacked. This is a culture clash because, for a volatile spouse, conflict is an essential way to work through issues and get closer.

VALIDATOR-VOLATILE (John and Lucille)

Like an avoidant, a validator like John might feel overwhelmed and flooded by their volatile partner’s high emotions. The validator does not avoid the conflict but retreats increasingly into trying to be rational and logical and forgets to acknowledge their partner’s experience and feelings. They want to solve the problem quickly to stop the intense emotions. In turn, a volatile person like Lucille will often double down and raise their volume and intensity to get through. 

This dynamic can escalate, with the volatile resorting to hurtful comments or negativity and the validator becoming more detached. The validator-volatile couple has challenges but can thrive if at least one stops the escalation by changing their strategy and taking a step toward the other. 

In a session with a validator-volatile couple, I will ask the volatile to tune it down and keep it short and sweet. I will also remind the validator that the conflict will escalate unless they acknowledge their partner’s emotions. Before a compromise or solution can be reached, the volatile spouse needs to feel fully heard about their experience.

WHEN YOU HAVE A META EMOTION MISMATCH

You might wonder if you can change your conflict style. We can challenge ourselves to adopt another style, but it all starts with understanding your current conflict style and your partner’s style. Think of it as learning each other’s language. 

Due to your childhood history, you have developed a certain tendency. Yet, two siblings with similar experiences at home can respond differently and develop opposite conflict styles. For example, growing up with a volatile parent, one sibling might mimic that way of being, while their brother or sister might go the other direction and become conflict-avoidant or a validator. 

No matter what our subconscious has chosen for us as the right fighting style, what we learned “created deep tracks in our brain” (Gottman, Fight Right, 77). So, if a volatile wants to be more like a validator, they need to learn how to pause, consider their impact on their partner and try to say things more kindly. Mindfulness and meditation can help them to slow down. If an avoider wants to learn to do conflicts better, they can establish agreements for a fair fight with their partner and learn through positive experiences that conflicts are safe and productive. 

You do not have to change your conflict style (unless you want to), but you can strive to do conflict better. Instead of holding monologues to convince or persuade your partner of your perspective, see conflicts as an opportunity for deeper understanding. Respond to your partner with more compassion and kindness. Strive to be curious rather than judgmental. Talk less and listen better.

 

If you want to understand your conflict style and your partner’s and learn how to fight constructively, 

reach out for a free Zoom consultation. 

Angelika Baum

Belief Change & Relationship Coaching

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca