Featured Image Based on Image by Tumisu from Pixabay
We have often learned to look at anger as something negative. We feel ashamed of anger and perceive conflict as an issue that must be avoided.
The truth is that the happiest and most successful couples fight all the time, but they know how to fight well. Conflict is not just unavoidable but also necessary in our human interactions. We have been conditioned to judge ourselves for an instrumental emotion that needs to be respected, not just as a protective energy but as a connector between people.
In their newest book “Fight Right” researcher and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman and his wife, couples therapist Dr. Julie Gottman, elaborate on how conflict and anger provide opportunities for greater intimacy and deeper connection.
Dr. John Gottman started out his world-famous “Love Lab” experiments that he talks about in all his books, with two assumptions that turned out to be completely wrong:
- Anger is a dangerous emotion.
- When there is a lot of fighting at the beginning of a relationship, that is a bad sign regarding the longevity of a marriage.
The opposite turned out to be true because some women in the heterosexual relationships they analyzed in the love lab felt secure enough to approach their husbands and bring up issues with them, which can generally lead to a conflict. These marriages turned out to be stronger and more successful, while in the no-conflict newlywed couples, the women often suppressed their needs instead of expressing them. Long-term, this led to resentment due to unmet needs, and these relationships were more fragile.
Gottman explains that anger is comparable to joy and excitement because all three are “approach emotions.” Certain emotions lead us to withdraw from the world, like sadness (or, in the most extreme form, depression), fear, and disgust. But emotions like interest, curiosity, joy and anger drive us to approach others. So, anger causes you to connect and engage with your partner and to have necessary conversations.
Anger is not negative! What is destructive is when anger is expressed through what Gottman calls the Four Horsemen: Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stone-Walling. How couples fight and what they do with anger and disputes predict the future of their relationship. Successful couples are conscious of not falling into the four horsemen and grow closer and stronger through conflict.
All emotions are good, including anger! All emotions give us feedback or valuable insight. Sadness, for example, lets us know that we are missing something and need to find a way to replace what we are missing. Anger gives us the feedback that we perceive something as unfair or experience more vulnerable emotions. Anger is the “tip of the iceberg.” Underneath that protective anger that shows up “above the water” are more sensitive feelings hidden.
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
If you are unsure what hidden feelings your anger keeps you from experiencing, here are some possibilities, but this list is by no means complete:
- stressed
- overwhelmed
- exhausted
- tired
- disappointed
- scared
- worried
- terrified
- insecure/unsure
- out of control
- helpless
- hopeless
- sad
- lonely
- misunderstood
- embarrassed
- ashamed
- regretful
- blamed
- hurt
- unappreciated
- unimportant
- inadequate
- unsafe
- disrespected
- unprotected
- threatend
- attacked
- offended
- rejected
- abandoned
- betrayed
- shocked
- jealous
- envious
- manipulated
- mislead
- tricked
- trapped
- distrustful
Conflict is a necessary and beautiful way to connect—if you can keep criticism, defensiveness, stone-walling and contempt out of your interactions with your spouse and instead approach each other with curiosity and the intention to understand.
Don’t be afraid of anger! By that, I do not mean let your anger or rage take over and speak from the anger. Instead, recognize anger as something productive, an emotion that has a message for you, and speak for the angry part. To do that, you need to calm your nervous system enough to become aware of the more vulnerable feelings underneath your anger and express those.
Speaking up for yourself then sounds like this: “A part of me is angry because I feel stressed and overworked” or “I feel angry right now, but underneath the anger, I feel misunderstood and unappreciated.”
A relationship is always about navigating the “I” versus the “we,” balancing between our individual needs and the needs of the collective, in this case, your partnership. Being married means a lifelong negotiation between what I need as an individual to express and embody who I am and what our relationship needs to thrive. Conflicts are inevitable due to diverging needs and cooperation, collaboration and compromise are called for. As a couple, you need to know how to handle conflict well and use it as a chance for deeper understanding and greater closeness.
If you want to learn how to embrace your anger constructively
and fight right with your partner,
reach out for a free Zoom consultation.