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What Are Boundaries And Why Do We Need Them?
Boundaries give a framework of how you want to interact and be treated. Boundaries allow you to meet your needs and live in line with your values.
Setting Boundaries is kind towards others and vital for all your relationships with your family, friends, colleagues and your partner. Why?
A lack of boundaries damages relationships because we expect the other person to be a mind reader and know what we need and feel comfortable with. When they guess wrong, it becomes awkward, or you might even begin to resent that they seem to be “inconsiderate” or “clueless.”
You also need common boundaries with your partner to protect your relationship from the interference and influence of third parties, including as protection from affairs.
There are different types of boundaries. My client Erin is setting a physical boundary by calmly taking her children and leaving her parent’s house because they have been drinking too much and are yelling at each other. Previously, Erin told them she would not expose her children to this type of situation. She doesn’t need to repeat herself. Instead, she lets her actions speak for themselves.
Sara, another client, sets an emotional boundary when her mother-in-law asks when she and her husband will finally have children. Her mother-in-law does not know that they are undergoing fertility treatments, so Sara lets her know that she is not comfortable talking about this subject at this point.
You will find further examples in “Setting Boundaries” and “A Strong Position of Self-Respect”.
If you are specifically interested in setting boundaries with your spouse to protect your marriage from affairs, you might want to read “Affairs PART 3 – Boundaries.”
Common Mistakes When You Are Setting Boundaries
- Not Setting Boundaries in the First Place
Are you worried you will be seen as “mean” or “selfish” when you set boundaries to meet your needs? Perhaps you feel guilty or anxious?
Unfortunately, being afraid to set boundaries will ultimately backfire. The lack of boundaries causes you to feel uncomfortable or resentful. You might start feeling disrespected and avoid the other person. That avoidant behaviour will ultimately damage the relationship.
2. Apologizing for Your Boundaries
There is no need to feel sorry for taking good care of yourself. It’s vital to make sure your own needs are met. By modelling how to care for your own needs in a healthy way, you are giving others permission to do the same. Nobody needs to feel selfish. You are also kind towards the other person because you give them clarity on how to interact with you instead of judging them when they don’t do it right.
A boundary does not require a justification or explanation and certainly no apology. When you apologize, you are signalling to the other person that you are not sure about your boundary. You are inviting them to be offended or disrespect your boundaries. When you unapologetically set a boundary, you demonstrate self-respect. Instead of apologizing, Amy Morin*, bestselling author and podcast host, suggests that you could say “thank you.”
3. Announcing Your Boundaries or Repeating Yourself
Sometimes, it is important to communicate your boundaries. However, it is enough to let others know verbally once. Other times, like in the example with Erin, it is more effective to demonstrate them. Let your consistent actions speak for themselves.
4. Using Boundaries to Try to Control Others
Boundaries are for your self-care, to guarantee your inner peace and for respectful interaction with others. They are not meant to control other people. If you are setting a boundary out of concern for the other person or hoping to force them to change their habits or behaviours, you are abusing a boundary. You will experience that you cannot control others.
5. Being Too Rigid With Your Boundaries
Having too many rules and boundaries or being too rigid with them prevents others from interacting with us and is also not helpful. In our relationships, we need empathy, compassion, flexibility and compromise. There is value in sticking to boundaries, but we can also be somewhat flexible at times.
- “We don’t want our children to get any presents outside of birthdays and Christmas” is the general rule for my clients Kailey and Ben, but they are allowing small inexpensive gifts when the kids go to the grandparents. Empathy for the grandparents lets them see that they get really excited when they are able to give small trinkets or Dollar Store items to the grandchildren.
- “I don’t answer text messages after 8:30 p.m.” is Beth’s boundary, so she can wind down and relax. She realized the rule was a bit too rigid and she gave close family members a way to reach her for urgent situations.
Image based on image by svklimkin from Pixabay
6. Forgetting to Invite Others to Interact Within the Set Boundary
Boundaries have two parts. Part one sets a boundary; part two extends an invitation to interact within the boundaries. “I am not going to talk to you when you are drunk” is only part one. Better is, “I have to go now, but I am happy to talk about this tomorrow morning.”
Here are other examples.
- “We have to work during the week, but we are happy to show you around at the weekend,” when your sister and brother-in-law are coming for a visit.
- Letting your grown-up children know, “I am happy to babysit as long as I get some advanced notice of a few days.”
- Telling your mother, “We want to announce our wedding first on our social media accounts, but when we have posted our announcement, you can post photos about it as well.”
7. Setting Boundaries “In The Heat of The Moment”
We might say something we don’t mean when we are upset or triggered. It is not the right time to set boundaries, when you are emotional. Distinguish between an empty threat that you will not enforce and a healthy, well-thought-out boundary.
If you say something in a moment of hurt that you didn’t mean, go back to the person and apologize. Then, set a reasonable boundary calmly and assertively.
8. Setting a Boundary That You Cannot Uphold
One of my clients told her son, “Your friend cannot come and visit you until you have cleaned up your room.” As a result, the son stayed inside, played video games all week, and didn’t clean his room. He didn’t get exercise or social interactions. The mother also realized she had punished herself because she missed socializing with the other mother.
9. Letting Others Pressure You to Set a Boundary
Boundaries are rarely an emergency. Don’t feel you have to make an immediate decision. Take time to think about your boundaries and talk them through with your spouse if you’re setting them together. In the meantime, you can set a temporary boundary, e.g. “For now, we cannot say yes or no to lending you some money. We will have to check our budget, and we will let you know.”
*This post is inspired by and based on Amy Morin’s podcast called “Mentally Stronger”, episode #49, “7 Boundary Mistakes That Damage Relationships,” (October 27, 2023).
Also, check out my YouTube video
If you are struggling to determine and set boundaries, reach out to