Featured Image by Jake Anderson from Pixabay
Luke noticed that his partner Ellie frequently seems to be on her phone during dinner, which makes him feel ignored and unimportant. He confronts Ellie: “Do you always have to be on the phone? I go to all the trouble to pick a nice restaurant for us, and you never appreciate it. You are really addicted to your device.” Ellie feels attacked and defensive. She responds, “What are you talking about? Everybody is on their phone these days. I like to put nice photos on Instagram. That doesn’t mean I am addicted. You always have to be so uptight and complain about everything! You don’t appreciate me at all!”
The conversation quickly escalates into a heated argument, and both Ellie and Luke feel frustrated and unheard. In the unsuccessful conversation, Luke began with criticism and blame, using generalized statements with “always” and “never,” which triggered defensiveness and the same generalized statements from Ellie.
I have written several blogs about using the four steps of NVC (Non-Violent Communication), developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg. You can read more about that in Communicating More Successfully and Having Our Needs Met in Relationships and Accepting, Acknowledging and Honouring Feelings and Needs.
Today, I want to share another communication tool. In his book “The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need To Know To Make Love Work,” Terrence Real explains strategies to empower couples to create fulfilling relationships. One essential tool for couples who want to improve their communication and build stronger relationships is The Feedback Wheel.
Like the four steps of NVC, the Feedback Wheel provides a structure for clear, honest, and respectful communication that helps partners understand each other’s perspectives and work towards resolving issues together.
1. ”What I Saw or Heard”: The observable behaviours of another person. These observations have to be so objective as a camera would record them.
2. ”What I Made Up About That Was…”: Nothing means anything until we give it meaning. This step allows the listener to understand the story the observer created from what they see or hear. Sharing our inner monologue enables the partner to understand how the issue affects the other person and creates empathy.
3. ”This Is How I Feel About It”: This story triggers certain feelings. One helpful phrase to signal that the speaker does not blame the listener for their feelings is,” I made myself feel….”
4. ”What I Would Like Now” – Making a Request: The fourth step is to make a specific request for what the other person can do to improve the situation. It helps partners to take action toward resolving the issue and creates a sense of collaboration.
The four steps of Non-Violent Communication are:
1. Neutral Observation
2. Feelings expressed through “I”-statements*
3. Explaining the unmet needs that triggered those feelings
4. Making a Request
*Here is some more information on how to phrase successful I-Statements.
Both approaches emphasize the importance of objective observation, identifying emotions and thoughts, and making specific requests to address underlying needs. The emphasis of the NVC model lies in creating clarity around both people’s needs. The Feedback Wheel, on the other hand, focuses on the meaning we give our observations, or, in other words, the story that we cannot help but tell ourselves about it. The observer takes full responsibility for their thoughts and feelings. Hence, the partner is not triggered into defending themselves but can listen better.
Let’s return to the example of Luke and Ellie to see how these steps might play out in practice. Luke might use Non-Violent Communication to express his disappointment and frustration:
1. Observation: “I noticed you were on your phone during dinner.”
2. Feelings: “I feel hurt and frustrated when you’re on your phone instead of engaging with me.”
3. Needs: “I need to feel connected and appreciated by you. Dinner is an important time for me to connect with you and share about our days.”
4. Request: “Would you be willing to put your phone away during dinner so we can spend quality time together?”
Using the Feedback Wheel, Luke might take a slightly different approach:
1. Observation: “I noticed you were on your phone during dinner.”
2. Thoughts: “What I made that mean is that you’re not interested in talking to me or that your phone is more important than our conversation.”
3. Feelings: “I feel hurt and frustrated when I assume you’re not interested in talking to me.”
4. Request: “Can we agree to put our phones away during dinner so that we can focus on connecting with each other?”
In conclusion, while there are some subtle differences between Non-Violent Communication and the Feedback Wheel, both approaches provide couples with valuable tools for effective communication. By focusing on objective observations, identifying emotions, thoughts and needs, and making specific requests, we can learn to communicate with empathy, understanding, and respect, leading to stronger and more intimate relationships.
To practice communicating more successfully
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