Feature Image by Candid_Shots from Pixabay
One of the most difficult things in our close relationships is to handle criticism in a productive manner. That applies at work, in our family and especially with our partner or spouse. Most of my couple clients appreciate practicing in our sessions how to deliver criticism in a gentle and conscious manner that does not make their partner defensive. Criticism is about “Getting to the Complaint Underneath the Criticism” and also about “Expressing Criticism So It Can Be Heard”.
I also coach people what they can do to receive criticism without defensiveness or anger, how to breathe into it, and keep an open posture and mind. This way, they can listen with honest curiosity and interest to what the other person is trying to express.
One key piece when expressing our feelings, thoughts and needs is to make true I-statements instead of “you” or even “we” statements. It is not enough to use the pronoun I to create a successful I-statement. An I-statement is supposed to express the subjective experience the speaker has, without blaming the other person. Nobody makes us feel a certain way and can be blamed for the feeling we are experiencing. Others might trigger a feeling for us, but these feelings are still our own inner experience. The speaker needs to take responsibility for their feelings. By expressing our feelings, using conscious I-statements, we can initiate change and make requests.
Unfortunately, an I-statement can also be twisted into criticism. Let us take three different examples.
EXAMPLE 1
“I feel like you’re a bad driver. I am angry because you always drive too close to others and too fast. And you shouldn’t be texting while you drive!”
Let us examine these “I” statements:
- The first statement is their opinion and criticism of their partner. It is not a feeling.
- This person is also not expressing their deeper feelings beyond anger. Anger is just the tip of the iceberg. Anger is a protective mechanism. Underneath anger there are usually other more vulnerable feelings that need to be acknowledged and addressed.
- They are not taking responsibility for their feelings but blaming the other person for them.
- The word “always” indicates a generalization.
- This person is also lecturing. Should-statements are counterproductive.
- They are not aware of or not sharing past experiences which might be connected to the present situation.
Image by SplitShire from Pixabay
Instead of the critical statement above, they can try an I-statements that is actually about themselves, e.g.:
“I get anxious in the car. Perhaps that goes back to having had a car accident a few years ago. Would you be willing to hear how you can help me to feel less anxious?”
EXAMPLE 2
“I feel mad because you are always so lazy when you are home. You never help me.”
- No vulnerable feelings
- Blaming and labeling (“lazy”)
- Their opinion and criticism of their partner
- Generalization (“always”, “never”)
- No request
Much better would be:
“I’m overwhelmed by the amount of housework I’m doing right now. I would really like some help with the work.”
EXAMPLE 3
“I feel angry because you never listen to me.”
- No vulnerable feelings
- Blaming
- Criticism
- Generalization (“never”)
- No request
Much better would be:
“I feel unheard. When is a good time for us to connect, so I can express my thoughts and feelings?”
Are you looking to strengthen your partnership or your own individual self? Reach out for a session. Thanks to modern technology, I see individual clients and couples from the convenience of your own home.