Ellie is in high school and is struggling with how different the school experience is this year, due to COVID-19. She feels stuck in loneliness and misses her old life.
Laura is a mother of two preschool children, working from home and feeling exhausted. She feels stuck in taking care of everybody’s needs but her own.
Along with certain belief changes, I taught them both the 5 problem solving questions by Tim Robbins, slightly rephrased by Doug O’Brian:
- What’s good about the current situation?
- What is not perfect yet?
- What can I do to make it better now?
- What can I stop doing to make it better now?
- How can I enjoy the process of doing (not doing) those things?
Ellie has two days in school, three days working online at home, and vice versa the following week. Wearing masks and social distancing are mandatory in school and students usually stay at their desks for three hours until they get to go home at lunch time. Ellie feels lonely and disconnected. She finds it hard to initiate social contact rather than just naturally hanging out with friends in school. That leaves her with the feeling that she is just studying for school. Her two subjects this year both involve a lot of intellectual focus and memorizing.
Image by Juraj Varga from Pixabay
Let’s see what Ellie came up with to feel better about the situation:
- What’s good about the current situation?
- I can get up later when I don’t have to go to school that day.
- I get more quiet time on my own, which I need as an introvert.
- When I have lessons online, I can be dressed comfortably and have food and water next to me. I can stretch or go to the washroom when I want.
- Overall, I am more in control of my own schedule and I can work at my own pace, taking breaks when I need to.
- What is not perfect, yet?
- Having a 3-hour lesson for one subject is intense and requires a lot of focus.
- I miss seeing, talking to and hanging out with my friends.
- What can I do to make it better now?
I can balance out the intellectual work with activities like:
- Listening to music
- Writing my own stories
- Reading
- Colouring
- Cooking or baking
- Going for a walk with our dog
- Helping my older brother with his woodworking and making Christmas ornaments with him
I can reach out to different friends, casually, without fixed expectations, but signaling that I want to hang out.
- I can text them more.
- I can connect with them on facetime.
- I can do socially distanced hang outs with individual friends after school.
- What can I stop doing to make it better now?
- I can stop going into the future worrying that this pandemic will ruin the rest of my high school experience. Instead I can bring myself back into the present moment.
- I can stop jumping to conclusions about my friends not wanting to connect or hang out with me.
- How can I enjoy the process of doing (not doing) those things?
- It is relaxing and a lot of fun to do creative things.
- It feels good to remind myself to stay in the present moment.
- I develop new social skills and can be proud of that.
Laura is a mother of two daughters, age 11 and 8. She and her husband have decided to keep the children at home. Her husband currently works from home as well, but Laura takes care of her own work, most of the kid’s needs and 75% of the household chores. Let’s see what Laura did with the five questions:
Image by feelgoodjunkie from Pixabay
- What’s good about the current situation?
- I don’t have to spend almost two hours every day on the road commuting.
- I have more time with my family.
- What is not perfect, yet?
- I feel like I am on duty 24/7 with my kids.
- I feel constantly exhausted juggling work, the kids, and the house.
- I don’t ever have time alone to recharge.
- What can I do to make it better now?
- I can set clear boundaries and create time for myself each week.
- I can get the kids involved in doing specific household chores.
- I can direct the kids to also reach out to my husband for help and questions with their schoolwork.
- What can I stop doing to make it better now?
- I can let go of the expectation that my house needs to be perfect.
- I can let go of the idea that I always have to be accessible to my children, even when I work.
- How can I enjoy the process of doing (not doing) those things?
- It is exciting to rediscover things I like to do to recharge like journaling, meditating, going for a walk, going out for a coffee, reading, taking a bath and so on.
- By setting boundaries and expecting my husband and my kids to step up, I teach my daughters that moms need to take good care of themselves.
- I also teach my daughters to take age-appropriate responsibility. I feel very good about that.
- Not being as perfectionistic and controlling is a relief. It takes a weight off my shoulders.
If you feel stuck, lost or alone in these challenging times, reach out for a free phone consultation. Thanks to modern technology, I see individual clients and couples from the safety and convenience of your own home.