New Year’s Traditions

In Europe—and Russia so I heard from one of my clients yesterday—the end of an old year and the beginning of a new year is seen as a more important celebration than in North America. Everybody stays up, and celebrates with family and friends. You think back to the old year and look forward to the new, setting intentions of what you want to experience.



When I was a girl, we used to do “Bleigießen” (“Lead pouring”) for New Year’s Eve in Germany. A small amount of lead was melted in a tablespoon (by heating it up with a lighter underneath the spoon) and then poured into a bucket of water. It would harden into different shapes to give you a preview of what to expect in the New Year. For example, if the lead formed a ball, it meant “luck will roll your way”. Superstition? Or is it maybe a way to talk about your dreams with your loved ones and to set intentions of manifesting more consciously in the New Year?


gratefulness jar

In our family, our favourite New Year’s Eve tradition is to open our Gratitude Jar. The jar is filled with little notes about the year that is just ending. Whenever something good happens to one of us, something we felt excited about or grateful for, we put a note in the jar to hold onto those memories and good feelings. On Dec. 31, everybody has a chance to read out their own notes to everybody else and re-experience their happy moments. It’s a way to look back at a year of plenty, an abundance of joy, happiness and dreams which came true.



Another tradition my children like is to take a suitcase and run around the block or around the outside of the house to set the intention of travelling in the year to come. I believe we first came across this fun custom speaking to a Mexican friend of ours. It has us laughing and envisioning the marvellous places we want to visit in the future.

Have you ever wondered why we kiss the person closest to us once the clock strikes 12:00? It has to do with the custom passed down through the ages to kiss the person we hope to keep kissing in the New Year.



In different parts of the world, food is used in a symbolic fashion, usually for food to be abundant again in the new year. In Dutch, Belgian and North German homes, fritters made out of flour, eggs, and milk, called Oliebollen or Ölkugeln are served. In Swiss homes, dollops of whipped cream, symbolizing the richness of the year to come, are dropped on the floors.


letter to Universe2

A spiritual way to end the old year and begin the new is to write a letter to the Universe. This letter is written as if you are already looking back onto the coming year, so for example this year’s letter would be written looking back onto 2015 at the end of December 2015. In the letter you give thanks and feel gratitude for all the health, happiness, prosperity, growth and wonderful manifestations of the year.



My friend Grace Attard raised an interesting question on Facebook by sharing her theme for 2014 (“easy manifestation and allowing”) and her new theme for 2015 (“all in” and committing to the work required). Someone else mentioned “letting go” as their theme for the New Year.

What is your theme for 2015? What are you focusing on?

My theme is “creativity”; meaning handling life’s challenges creatively. We are not in control of what other people bring into our life but we are in control of what we want to “cook” from the “ingredients” which show up.

What do all these traditions and end of year reflections have in common? They are about gratitude and focusing on what we want. They help us to be thankful and give us clarity about our goals and desires. Energetically, we are getting ready to live and create more purposefully and in line with what makes our soul sing.

An old year ends, a new one starts, and we are bringing all those beautiful memories of 2014 with us as we continue to create and celebrate life. We carry feelings of gratefulness and excitement in our hearts. Here is to another amazing year! Cheers!


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Our Vibrational Invitation

“The choices that others make cannot negatively impact your experience unless you include them in your experience through your attention to them. Things come to you only through your Vibrational invitation—and they remain only by your continuing attention to them.”


I posted this quote on Facebook just a week ago. It received quite a few likes. The best compliment, however, was that a friend of mine tells me her husband thought the quote was about him. I had to laugh. I assured her that her husband was the last person on my mind when I posted the quote. I have no idea what is going on in his life at the moment, but I am flattered that the post made him stop and re-think something that is relevant for him.

So, who did I have in mind with this quote then? Simply myself. I needed a reminder of what I know to be true but sometimes forget myself. In fact, a lot of what I post on facebook or blog about is a reminder for myself and at the same time for many unknown other people. My writing is not meant for one particular person. However, if you feel you needed to hear something that was mentioned in one of my posts, I am grateful that it had meaning to you.

We are all going through similar challenges at times. When I post about parenting, or relationships, or our shadow, or the law of attraction, it might be something I have learned at one point but it also just as often is a reminder for myself to readjust my course in life slightly, or to change direction in a particular area. Living life with the goal to be the best self you can be, is an ongoing process of awareness of how we are showing up versus who we are capable of being.

The Abraham quote above is a beautiful reminder for all of us that what we focus on grows and persists. What we don’t allow into our experience cannot affect us.


If you have relatives or friends who make choices you would not want to make, you can let that aggravate you and sit in judgment over them, or you can remember that it is not up to you to change other people. Our Universe is based upon freedom: freedom for everyone to choose what they give their attention to, and therefore what they choose to experience. You have the same freedom to choose your values and make your own decisions for your own life.

If you have an angry or resentful family member, you can focus on what he or she has said or done and allow that to affect the peace in your family, or you can choose to not engage. Focus on the loving energy instead which surrounds you and cannot be penetrated by anger, jealousy, or the desire to hurt others—unless you allow it to be.

If you feel the world is not fair and others got what you should have gotten you can focus on your lack, or remember that when others achieve what they desire, they in no way deprive you of your desires. There is enough prosperity, enough health and enough love for everybody to live in abundance.

Wishing you all a



Angelika; 905-286-9466;

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Why Should I Apologize?

Apologizing4I met a young man this year who went through a time of huge change. In fact, his entire family went through this big life change. Some familiar faces and his old rhythm of life changed. New people came into his life with other ways of doing things. The new events came out of nowhere for him, and naturally he was struggling with the emotions coming up. Things being different triggered in him a feeling we all deep down have, the little nagging voice which says, “I do not feel good enough”.

Nobody “makes us feel” a certain way, but other people, of course, trigger our deepest doubts and insecurities. Sometimes we overreact when we feel not enough. We want to blame others for making us feel “like a bad person”. We push them away instead of giving them a chance to share how they really feel and think about us. We get stuck in the idea of being a victim who has been hurt by another person. When the other person wants to apologize, we take it as a confirmation that we have been wronged instead of a sign of him or her caring enough to say sorry.

Where I come from, people have a hard time saying “I am sorry”. In the German mind-set, it is deeply ingrained that saying sorry means “I did something I shouldn’t have done. I wronged you in some way.” They ask, “Why should I apologize? I have done nothing bad.” This attitude seems less common in Canada but there still are people who see an apology as a confession of wrongdoing.


“I am sorry you feel this way” just means that we care enough to put ourselves in somebody else’s shoes and that we are acknowledging the feelings somebody has. “I am sorry” can also mean “I acknowledge that I was part of this experience you had and I am sorry we created something together which did not feel good for either one of us.” It is a sign that we are taking responsibility for our own words and actions independent of the right and wrong dynamic. Sometimes things aren’t right or wrong, they just are.


Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, we can meet in a field of communicating without judgements and of understanding each other’s feelings. We can all—no matter how old we are—make mistakes; we can all say “I am sorry you feel this way”; we can all take responsibility for co-creating our experiences with each other; we can all let go and give second chances. If we want to have second and third chances in life, we need to start by giving others that opportunity as well.


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Life and Relationship Coaching


The Time of Giving

This is the time of giving and, like every year at this time, most of us are balancing or even struggling to balance the gift giving.

gift giving

Each year, this strikes me as odd. Isn’t true giving, after all, just about freely parting with something without expectations of receiving anything in return? Yet, the way we have set up our busy lives and Christmas in particular, with all the get-togethers and gift “obligations,” we can easily end up all stressed out or in debt—or both—due to a celebration which in its nature is not about materialistic considerations at all. How we handle Christmas gives us a good insight into how we handle life.

Are you a person who has everything planned out by October and with self-discipline tics off one present after the next from your list? Are you a last-minute shopper? Are you the one known for giving the perfect or the best presents? Does Christmas put you in the feeling space of “not having enough” money or time? Do you end up in debt after Christmas, having to cut out every other pleasure from your life for a few months afterwards? Is this perhaps how you choose to go through life in general?

One thing I hear from clients on a regular basis is, “I don’t get as much as I give”. This is not necessarily a comment restricted to celebrations and gift giving. They are talking about prime relationships, usually their partnership. What if you find yourself always over-giving, not just at Christmas but as a general life experience?

Does giving and receiving always have to be in balance? Should we only give when we receive? Of course not. There is great joy in giving, especially when somebody needs it, independent of what we get back from that one person. When we give to one person, the way the Universe and energy works is that it will come back to us from somewhere else. What goes around, comes around, in regards to anything we do. Do I treat people with consciousness and fairness, or am I out to hurt them? Do I freely give from the heart, or do I grudgingly buy something because I feel I have to?

Now, in the case of the person who says “I give more than I get back,” something is going wrong. Not because the giving and receiving is out of balance, but because of the feeling space of not being appreciated, of not getting what he or she needs in return.

love yourself

The giving in this case by all means does not need to stop. Instead he or she needs to think about ways of giving to himself or herself as well. Only when we truly appreciate ourselves and without guilt take care of our needs, can we freely give to others. What might be out of balance is not how much we give and get, but how much we are able to open up to receiving.

Do you truly feel you deserve to receive good things? Can you start by giving time, compassion and little daily joys to yourself?


Does giving to others always mean it has to be expensive and potentially put me into financial trouble? Is a personal Christmas card with heartfelt words and some home baked cookies not worth much more than an expensive store-bought gift to the adults in our life? Is a big hug, encouraging loving words and spending quality time playing and laughing not worth more than the newest electronic toy to our children?

Christmas-quoteI think we all know the answer, yet we do not always seem to act on it. What subconscious beliefs are holding us back from giving meaningful and less expensive gifts rather than over-spending? If our beliefs don’t serve us, we can let go of them.

gift giving quote

What if your family or friends have less money than you? I remember years ago in one of the earlier episodes of the TV show “Friends” some of the Friends had more money than others. The friends with less money felt embarrassed and pressured, when the Friends with more money were able to spend it freely on activities. What is a conscious way of handling a situation like that?

What do you do when your partner or friend has considerably less money than you? Can nobody go on vacation, or to the theatre, or a concert, or out for a nice dinner? Basically you have three conscious choices other than nobody gets to enjoy the activities life has to offer.

  1. You can go on vacation, to the theatre etc. by yourself or with another family member or friend.
  2. You can choose to pay for your partner or friend and enjoy time together. After all, money is just a means to an end.
  3. You can do something else with this person which is not dependent on finances.

Whichever decision you make, sit with it and feel it. Which one can you feel good about? If you cannot give and then let the money go, don’t pick choice #2, as your resentment impacts your experience as well as everybody elses.

Another question I would ask, is this situation of not having financial abundance a long-term, possibly life-long situation? If so, this person needs to change their subconscious beliefs about money, finances and prosperity. He or she might believe him/herself to be unable to make money, or keep/mange money, or to be undeserving of the freedom that money can buy. The list of limiting financial beliefs is almost endless. Most of them we are unaware of or truly believe that they are the “truth”.

gift giving - cookies

If your approach to Giving, to Christmas and/or to Life in general works for you, good for you. If Christmas stresses you out, emotionally or financially, and you feel you have no time to rest, reflect or be, you can shift your beliefs and make changes to your life.

Belief Change Coaching



“My Child Does Not Love Me”

I shared a story with a client yesterday which I hadn’t thought of in a long time.

My client and I were talking about how we sometimes feel closer to one child than the other, how one child might respond more to us than the other, and how we make that mean something about ourselves which really it doesn’t. We might feel judged by this child because he or she triggers our deepest fears of not being a good parent. We might convince ourselves that the child does not love us.

Ten years ago, when I separated from my ex-husband, I felt much closer to my older daughter Cara—who was nine at the time—than I felt to my four year old daughter Tia. I was the older sibling myself and had always connected more with my mother and less with my father, and somehow I had fallen into the same pattern with my own children. Unconsciously, we often repeat what we have experienced. Just as I had the better relationship with my mother and my younger sister connected better with my father, the same seemed to show up for my children. Until a few years ago, when I consciously decided to heal my relationship with my father, I felt deprived of his love just as my sister felt not as accepted by my mom. I deep-down feared that the same family dynamic would unfold in my own family.

However, from noticing this to making a change, I needed someone else to comment on this situation and to be a mirror for me. I had confided in one of my friends—who still is a good friend today and will probably read this with a smile—that I was afraid to completely loose my younger one’s love during the separation. I believe I even said to her that my younger daughter loves her father more than me. I probably wanted to hear from her that wasn’t true and was hoping to get some reassurance that everything would be fine.

Instead she gave me something much better. She started observing how both my husband and I interact with the children. A few days later, she came back to me. Still to this day I remember her words because they hurt at the time and had a deep impact. She said, “I know now why Tia loves Tom more than you. Your energy is always going towards Cara while he focuses on Tia.”

I didn’t like her comment one bit. That was not what I wanted to hear! I was really hurt at the time and didn’t talk to my friend for a few weeks. She had confirmed my worst fear.

Was it true that my younger daughter “loved her father more”? Of course it was not true. My friend had just taken the story I had chosen to run and reflected it back to me. She also pointed out to me that there is a cord, an energy going between us and others, and that we can choose to focus on somebody, feel them and communicate with them beyond words. Relationships between parents and children are built and maintained by how we feel about ourselves and about them and by the energy we send out.

I was so annoyed at my friend and what she had noticed that I swore to myself to change the situation. From that day on, I worked on building a closer relationship with my younger daughter.

2014-01-09 St Jakob's Tia & Cara 2

A couple of years later, my fear was completely forgotten. I had learned that my children love both their parents equally, because there is enough love to go around. It is not a question of “either or” like it was in my family with my parents for the longest time.

For four decades, I was convinced that my dad loved my younger sister more. And on top of that, I had an older half-sister who I felt threatened by. It seemed like the younger one had “stolen” my dad’s affection and the older one through her existence had taken away my “position” as the oldest. My feeling space was that I was the Nobody in the middle between them. The situation triggered a feeling of “not being special”. I felt judged by my dad, and never good enough as far as he was concerned. I truly believed he didn’t like me as much and for the longest time I gave up on the relationship. After all, I had my mom, who I knew loved me like nobody else ever would. To her I was “special”.

Was this true? Did my dad not care about me? Of course that was not true. He just felt helpless and didn’t know how to connect with me. He felt the judgement from my side of not being a good enough father. Were we consciously judging each other? No, we were just triggering each others insecurities. We were mirroring our deepest fears for each other.

I am deeply grateful that I had the opportunity to heal the relationship with my dad and to see how much he cares. I wasted forty years during which I could have felt that to him I was also special. He used to say “I love my three daughters the same”. I used to feel that was a lie. I still don’t believe he loves us “the same” because we are very different women, but I believe what he was trying to say is that there is no “more or less” when it comes to the love of a parent. Each child is special. I love both my daughters as the amazing and beautiful individuals that they are.

The bond between a mother and her child, or a father and his child, cannot be broken as long as the parent continues to be loving and accepting and stays out of his/her own fear story. “My son does not love me as much as he loves his dad”, or “My daughter doesn’t want to connect with me, only with her mom” are self-fulfilling prophecies. We are creating and manifesting broken relationships by choosing to buy into these stories of fear and pain.

The key is to find ways to spend time with our children, as a family and alone. When did you last have one-on-one time with your son or daughter? And the answer is always Love. Nobody can take the love away that a child naturally has for his/her mother and father—no ex-partner, no new partner or step-parent. Your mother is always your mother and your father is always your father. There is no competition which needs to be feared. Any relationship which is at one point shaken up, can be completely healed.


Relationship Coaching and Healing & Conscious Parenting



Connecting With a Loved One Who Has Passed On

One of the most powerful and deeply heart opening experiences is the PSYCH-K® Relationship Balance with a loved one who has passed on. In this process another person stands in for the soul who has passed. It gives the client an opportunity to deeply connect once again with a family member or friend who has crossed over and to say and/or hear what they always wanted to hear. The more intuitive the stand in happens to be the more touching the experience often is.

At the four day Advanced PSYCH-K® this November, we had several deeply healing encounters which involved bringing somebody in who is not in a physical body anymore. The experience often brings peace to the person who was left behind to continue this life. They might not have had a chance to say good-bye, or to hear what they always hoped to hear from their loved one.

This can also be a huge growth experience for the stand-in. The stand in person can experience what it is like to intuitively tune into the energy of the passed on person and to sense what needs to still be said. Some people are so good at surrogating for the passed on spirit that they can literally feel all the emotions and channel the energy and words from the other side.


Here are some testimonials from participants…


“My Dad, Mike, died in September 2012, four days before my birthday, very quickly, within six weeks, from an aggressive multiple myeloma cancer. He didn’t like it, but he exuded great dignity and pride during this time. My mom and I speak to him often but lately I have had the wish to see him again and to hear him speak to me.

In preparation for this workshop, I already received different messages that my Dad is around. Just recently, my car died in the middle of nowhere, when I noticed a sign saying “Mike’s Auto Parts and Service”. It was a Sunday morning at 9:00 a.m. What was the likelihood of anybody being in the shop to help me? I called and the garage owner, Mike, was in his shop working on the car of his own daughter. This is just one message of several.

When James volunteered to surrogate for my Dad, my Dad saw his chance and jumped right in. That is exactly what he was like. And he would have picked a gentle soul like James to come through. James just went with the flow and intuitively channelled the perfect words.

The experience was very touching and moving. Love beyond Love. It was a Divine gift of love, a miracle, to hold and hug my dad and to feel his love once again. It was deeply moving to exchange words and emotions. When my Dad asked through James how my mom was and I said she is doing great, he said “Are you sure?” I again felt that this is exactly what he would ask. The words “I have faith in you,” which James spoke to me in my father’s place during the bonding part of the process resonated deeply with me and ties into what I have been focusing on lately to step into my full potential. The words “You are enough, “I said to my Dad were powerful and healing, spoken from love and truth, freeing him from error perceptions and opening the door for my Dad’s soul transformation and growth. And ultimately affecting the growth and change of all of us. Beautiful!

I feel that James and I gave each other a great gift. I had another chance to speak to my Dad and James was able to experience that we can all channel the energy of another person, whether on the earth plane or the spirit world.”

Carolyn and her dad MikeCarolyn and her dad

James stood in for Carolyn’s Dad Mike who passed on two years ago. This is how James experienced being the surrogate:

“Before we could even ask permission for me to surrogate for Mike, he literally “jumped in”. It felt like my knees got weak and I immediately had an incredible sense of love and joy in my heart. All pain in my own body dissipated. I had an overwhelming feeling that I was really looking at my own child who I hadn’t seen in a long while. I took a step towards her and was guided to hug her and hold her like she was my daughter. The facilitator stepped back and allowed us our moment of reconnecting. Our conversation just flowed easily and naturally but I cannot recall anymore than what I was guided to say to my daughter.

The facilitator muscle tested the belief points but they were all strong. So we proceeded to the bonding part of this process which gives both partners an opportunity to hear what they need to hear. Intuitively, I knew that Carolyn needed to hear her dad say, “I have faith in you”. The phrase just popped into my mind. I also felt that Mike needed to hear that he was enough as a father.

It was extremely touching to do this bonding ritual of using a whole brain movement and taking turns telling each other what we needed to hear. We cried tears of joy and happiness. I feel so honoured to have been able to allow Carolyn to connect with her dad again.”

bridge & light


“At the Advanced Psych K Workshop my intention was to work on myself with a focus on releasing the sadness that I hold, especially when it comes to my Father’s death.  I was 9 years old when he died and just 7 years old when he was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma Cancer.  I was very close to my Dad when he died, I was ‘Daddy’s little girl’ and so his death was especially traumatic for me.

I only had to look at Andrew, who was surrogating for my Dad, Ward and I started to cry.  Andrew had similar facial features to my Dad.  I can’t put into words the way Andrew looked at me, I was looking at my Dad.  When the facilitator muscle tested both us, my Dad was strong and I went weak.  I had many weak points and that didn’t surprise me.  His death has had a huge impact on my life.  Each time I turned to face my Dad I started to cry.  I could just feel how much I missed him.  What was interesting though, as we balanced the statements, I could feel myself starting feel better, stronger, lighter somehow.  When it came time to the statements, I was to come up with both of them.  In the moment, there were so many things to say but only a few came to mind.  ‘I miss you so much Dad’ was mine and his was ‘I wanted to be here for you, I never wanted to leave’.

I never felt like I had the opportunity to say goodbye to my Dad, and I always felt that if I was somehow different, he’d still be here.  So to hear those words from him, I was touched beyond words.  The best part though, I got to hug him and what a beautifully long hug!  At that point we just exchanged words and I said, “I know I have to let you go, but I don’t want to.” And that’s when he said “I love you, I’m always with you; you’re always in my heart and just look inside your heart, that’s where you’ll always find me.”

This experience was incredibly touching for me.  It’s easy to try and tell yourself something consciously, it’s another to experience how deep the wounds go and how light you can feel after.  I don’t know how to put into words how I felt after, except lighter, more compassion for myself and faith that he’s still with me, still my Dad and I don’t feel nearly as sad.  I am deeply grateful for the experience and would do it again in a heartbeat!!“


A relationship balance can shift a relationship to one which is free of triggers and more loving, or it can bring closure to a relationship.

To do a PSYCH-K® Relationship Balance or a Shadow Energetics Relationship Alignment with somebody who is still alive or who has passed on contact



Affairs and Attractions

Hal and Sidra Stone are consciousness teachers who have really applied their teachings to their own relationship, respectively have arrived at what they teach about relationships through their own relationship work. An area which we are most vulnerable in when we are in a relationship is monogamy versus having affairs. We can get very hurt when we are not aware of the dynamics. Hal and Sidra are providing us with another perspective of infidelity.

Hal & Sidra 2

Usually, the perception is that one person is just too immature or undisciplined or immoral to be loyal and honest. The topic is much more complex than that.

There are two very opposite voices in ALL of us. We all have a monogamous voice which wants the safety and depth which comes with monogamy but we ALL also have a non-monogamous voice, a part which is still attracted to others, even if we are in a committed relationship. When we commit to a relationship the expectation—or choice—usually is to be monogamous, however, that non-monogamous energy in us still exists and goes underground. If we ignore that energy and pretend it does not exist, we are more likely to have an affair.

What are the dynamics of that? Let’s take an example. Cybil is only in touch with her monogamous energy, Bill is only in touch with his non-monogamous energy. After they get married, Cybil becomes the victim. She feels she is the only one who wants to be and is monogamous. She is the one fearing infidelity and is the one trying to make things safe and hold both of them together. She might find herself feeling jealous and insecure. The jealous part of her might accuse Bill of wanting to sleep with another woman or having slept with another person. The little child inside might start to be clingy. The controlling part in her might start to check up on him and try to control how he spends his time.

If the non-monogamous energy is not honestly acknowledged, what is called a child-parent bonding pattern occurs. Bill would become the power parent and sit in judgement over Cybil’s weakness and need for commitment and her dependency. Cybil on the other side would judge Bill for being unstable, immature and a liar or cheater.

If Cybil was in touch with her non-monogamous voice and really knew that she also has both sides, that the potential for infidelity is inside her as well, she would not judge him but be able to address the situation openly. From the place of judgement, anger and resentment grows, which can come out as just suddenly ending the relationship in an explosive way. And Bill might even convince himself that he is glad this happened as he has felt controlled, restricted and deprived of any privacy or alone time.

If he is in touch with both energies in himself he would have to speak up clearly, asking for privacy and explaining to Cybil that he chooses monogamy but still has other impulses. If he feels he can share with her honestly when he feels attracted to another woman, they can find a way to work this out together. He would, however, need to be prepared to initially be met with anger, or irritation, or hurt. Sharing this sort of attraction can activate the insecurities and wounds in our partner. We need to trust that the relationship is strong enough to survive that hurt. We also need to realize that speaking up openly is better than having a secret affair and the betrayal coming out at one point in the future and really hurting our partner.

When Bill speaks up, Cybil would have to understand that the fact that he is attracted to somebody else has absolutely nothing to do with her personally. It is NOT that she is not giving Bill what he needs. It is NOT that she is not attractive anymore. It is NOT that she is lacking in any way. Instead the “other woman” Bill might find himself attracted to represents an energy which is missing in their relationship.

Hal & Sidra 3

Hal and Sidra have managed to handle this part in us which is attracted to others with consciousness. They have chosen to have a monogamous relationship which they have been able to keep up because the non-monogamous energy is being acknowledged and addressed. They have expressed to each other when they were attracted to somebody else. Sidra, for example, was attracted to a man who was adventurous and travelled the world a lot. Once she shared this with Hal, he was able to embrace his own adventurous nature more. They brought that energy more into their own relationship, travelled more and enjoyed adventures together. Sidra’s attraction to the other man vanished.

What we are attracted to, is not so much the person themselves, but the energy the other person represents. They mirror to us what energy our partner is not in touch with and has disowned. If our partner is more practical and worldly and less spiritual, we might be attracted to somebody spiritual; it means we need to embrace spirituality in our relationship more. If our partner is very responsible, we might be attracted to somebody who is a free spirit; it signifies that we need to bring that energy more into our relationship. If our partner is quite focused on finances, we might be attracted to somebody who cares little about money; it means we might need to bring other values into our relationship. What attracts us to a partner is what they mirror for us.

Sometimes it is not just one partner who has disowned that energy but both of us in our relationship have, for example, disowned the spiritual part, or the free spirited energy, or the voice which does not care much about material things. Each attraction of one or both partners to an energy outside themselves is a gift to find out what is missing in the relationship and what can be brought in.

This is not just about the relationship itself, but it is also a gift for each partner to claim a part of themselves they have so far disowned. It does not mean something is wrong with one partner. It just means there is more in this world that we can try out and embrace.

If Sarah is attracted to an assertive and strong male energy in another man, it is an opportunity for her partner to step more into his own assertive and strong male energy. If David is attracted to a woman who is playful, silly and loves to laugh, it is an incentive for his partner to be more playful and enjoy life more. If Frank is attracted to a woman who is sexual and sensual and his wife is the personified asexual mother type, she can embrace sensuality more and experience it. If Howard is attracted to women who are helpless damsels in distress, his self-sufficient wife might need to realize that self-sufficiency is good but that we all have needs and that she can allow Howard to fulfil her needs. If Elena is drawn to a passionate romantic man, her controlled, rational and down to earth partner can claim his romantic and passionate self.

It requires courage to speak up about our attractions. Why is it worth speaking up?

Having an affair, and that includes an actual physical affair but also confiding in another person of the opposite sex behind the back of our partner and complaining about our marriage or relationship, is greatly damaging. It is not the actual physical act which is the betrayal but the emotional intimacy, coupled with the secrecy. Who gets hurt is the little child inside. In our example, Cybil’s little girl inside would go into hiding if Bill had a physical and/or emotional affair. She would not be able to trust and feel safe right after finding out. That vulnerable trusting child energy, however, is what we need in a relationship to connect deeply with each other. Without our inner children, we cannot experience true intimacy. We have signed the death verdict for the relationship if we do not address the feelings of the inner child and truly heal them.

Affairs can of course be forgiven, and the inner child can learn to trust again, but that requires deep inner work and not everybody finds it easy to rebuild the foundation of trust. It therefore pays to be honest and address the issue consciously rather than responding from an unconscious place and having an affair.


Hal & Sidra 4

A great recording to listen to is “Affairs and Attractions” by Hall and Sidra Stone

Carrying Your Partner’s Disowned Shadow

shadow two people at beach

Partners very often carry each other’s opposite energy and have polarized into the two. My parents carried each other’s disowned energy. My mother was the emotional one, the one with all the passion and the one making and keeping all the social contacts. She was also the one who liked to spend money and the one who could be impulsive. My father was the one who was always rational, unable to show any emotions, not as skilful at connecting with people; he was thrifty and always striving to provide for a safe financial future.

Only since my mom passed on, has he begun to reclaim all the energy she carried for him. He has surprised us with how good he is at connecting with others and really caring about other people. My children are hearing for the first time in their life an, “I love you,” from their grandfather. He shows emotions more comfortably and has embraced enjoying life.

Why is that possible? Has he suddenly learned to be social and emotional and able to spend some money on himself without guilt? No. That energy was always part of him, but my parents had an unspoken contract, that they would carry each other’s unwanted energy. This contract is not conscious, so as long as my mother was alive they were not able to shift out of this polarization and to reclaim their lost parts.


shadow parents and children

One of the energies my ex-husband and I had split up between us was being a parent. His attitude towards parenting was very different from my mine. He was more relaxed about being a parent, going with the flow, sometimes flying by the seeds of his pants. Being a teacher, I looked at parenting as a series of opportunities to provide educational moments. I planned ahead and made sure we always had something educational, creative or active to do. I was also—and that’s where the problem was—invested in being the better parent. I would take care of all the school-related situations, after school activities, play dates etc. He didn’t have a chance to step up and be the parent he was capable of being. When we split up, I suddenly saw a man who wanted to be involved, who stepped up to the task.

At first, I was outraged. Why hadn’t he parented like this before? Why hadn’t he shown more interest when we were still married and had supported me more? I felt really unappreciated in everything I had done all those years. I felt like he took advantage of me and left me alone with something he should have helped me with. Initially, I wasn’t able to see how the children would benefit from this.

It took me quite a while to realize that he was always an invested parent but had not seen a chance to display it until the situation changed. Who has gained from this are our children who have been able to grow up with two very different parents, two different views of the world and the freedom to choose which one works better for them. He is the best dad my girls could possibly have, not because he has learned to be like me but because he had an opportunity to claim his own parenting energy and be a fabulous co-parent for me.


A very common polarization between partners is splitting up the energy of being angry and peaceful. When one person is afraid of anger, the anger goes “underground”. One possible result is that they can draw an angry partner into their life. This angry partner might be mirroring one of the subject’s parents or another person from their past. As a child, they have learned that it is not good to be angry as anger can be abused to suppress and hurt others. The subconscious decision then is never to feel angry; thus this part is being pushed away.

Benjamin has grown up with a step-father who was an angry alcoholic. In his childhood home, it was either his step-father’s way or the highway. At age 16, he ran away from home and never came back. He learned that anger is destructive and that he is weak and helpless when confronted with it. His choice at age 16 was to run away, instead of addressing the situation in a more productive way.

The vacuum which exists when we deny energy activates a certain frequency and we draw in another person with exactly the same frequency. Before Ben realizes it, he is married to Grete, a partner who displays anger frequently. When she is frustrated, she yells, believing that it is better to express your frustration loudly. Ben, however, has learned to be afraid of anger and aggression. When somebody yells at him the fight, flight or freeze responses are activated. Usually he flees or freezes.The Little Boy inside of him cannot help himself.


The more Ben shuts down and does not communicate, the angrier Grete becomes. They are caught in a cycle of frustration. Ben feels unloved and is judging Grete as too angry, and Grete feels unheard and unappreciated and views Ben as weak and too soft.

We always have to remember that NO energy is bad! Every energy is useful and serves us when used with consciousness. Anger energy is very helpful when someone threatens us. It is also useful as a forward-moving force. Anger gives us feedback that we perceive something as unfair and that we need to step up to make a situation fairer in some way. Anger helps us to be more assertive and to stand up for ourselves and others. The key to using anger productively is awareness that it exists and needs to be fed and used consciously.

The only way out for Ben and Grete is to embrace the opposite energy more. Ben needs to get in touch with his own anger and stand up calmly and assertively. Grete needs to understand that softness and gentleness can be a very useful and persuasive energy as well. By taking steps towards each other, they are both becoming more complete and are able to communicate and interact more productively.


What energy is your partner carrying for you? What are you carrying for your partner? Give yourself and your partner the gift to become more whole by doing some shadow work.

Angelika 905-286-9466