The Five Love Languages

In my blog on June 28, 2013, I elaborated on how powerful words are and how they can have a strong vibration of manifestation in a negative sense. Today, almost a year later, I would like to focus on how the same concept works in the opposite way. Words of Love and Affirmation have a strong powerful vibration that deepens our love.

I am fortunate to hear several times each day how much I am loved. My partner says or texts “I love you”, or “I miss you”, or “I can’t wait to see you later” in different ways. He lets me feel his love and appreciation through words. Beyond that he strives to express his feelings, he affirms my actions and accomplishments, or compliments me in some way. He knows that words are the surest way to connect with me, my primary language of love.

Loving communication is one of the most important cornerstones of our relationship and probably one of the secrets to why we connect so deeply. When I feel disconnected, it always is because we had no opportunity to speak. It means I need to request time to talk.

Another love language is touch. We both naturally reach out for the other one to touch, to hug or to hold hands. While “words of affirmation” is certainly my primary way of connecting and feeling loved, his primary way is physical touch. Without touch he tends to feel unappreciated, unloved or disconnected from me.

Most of us are multilingual when it comes to expressing affection. My partner is also very good at doing things for others. He speaks a third language well, the one of giving love through “services”. He cooks fabulously, runs the kids around when they need a ride, repairs things around the house or in the houses of friends. He is always ready to lend a helping hand. I make sure I take a moment to let him know through words and touch how much I appreciate him speaking that language of love and caring as well.

I often summarize the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman for my clients, in particular when someone sits in front of me who is deeply convinced their partner/parent/child does not love them, “not really in the way that they should.”

The truth is that there is no right way to express love. However, there are different love languages we all speak, some with more skill and enjoyment, others with less.

  1. Giving Words of Affirmation
  2. Spending Quality Time
  3. Giving/Receiving Gifts
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Physical Touch

It helps to figure out what your primary love language(s) is and which one(s) your partner uses. Compare them.

Is it really true that they do not show you their love? Or are they just speaking a different love language? Since we are just dealing with different languages in this matter, we can make an effort to speak the other person’s language and we can appreciate the way in which they are expressing their affection.

My partner and I happen to understand each other’s primary love languages and practice them. We both give Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. We understand both as clear signals for love and affection.

However, I have not always communicated affection this effortlessly. I have had partners throughout my life who were not comfortable expressing emotions and were suspicious of hearing affirmations or compliments. Instead they had another primary language like Acts of Service or Giving Gifts. They would, for example, do something practical as their only expression of love, or they would buy me a gift. Sometimes it was hard for me to understand that their language was simply different.

What is your preferred love language? Which language do you like to use; which do you like to receive? What is your partner’s love language? Your daughter’s or son’s? How can you learn to understand, or even speak, each other’s languages?


For Relationship Counselling contact Angelika




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