Relationships need rituals. With our children we all recognize the need for rituals. We hug and kiss them goodbye and hello. We might have the ritual of reading or singing to them before bed-time, eating certain meals together, perhaps engaging in a spiritual practice, or we might have a ritual of doing something together like gardening. When my children were small I used to put a note of encouragement or love in their lunch box on a regular basis. Perhaps, you have a personal sharing ritual with your children? For a while we used to do the “What was the best part of your day?”- Question at dinner. In fact, the day with children is full with deliberate moments of ritual behaviour.

rituals blog bench under willow

We say the children need rituals. I would like to claim that it is not just the children but the relationship itself which needs the rituals. Rituals give us predictability and help us to be emotionally connected with each other; they make our relationships stronger. As our children become older, some rituals change or fall by the wayside. However, those rituals were part of the reason why the connection between us exists.

We all have birthday rituals. In our family, the birthday girl or boy is being woken up with a song in the morning. The cake later in the day, with the ritual of singing and blowing the candles out, making a wish is another common ritual in many families. Birthday presents are rituals. We all have our rituals around different holidays. They all strengthen the bond between the members of the family engaging in those rituals.

“Rituals are an important part of belonging. They are repeated, intentional ceremonies that recognize a special time or connection. Rituals engage us, emotionally and physically, so that we become riveted to the present moment in a positive way.” (Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight)

My dad calls us every Sunday morning. This is a ritual established more than 60 years ago as his mother, my grandmother, could already be counted on calling every Sunday morning. When I know we will be out, I’ll let him know, not because he will otherwise worry, my dad is pretty laid back despite being in his 80ties, but because it acknowledges our ritual and shows both of us that we value and treasure it.

Fourteen years ago, when I first moved to this area, I very quickly made a new friend, another mother from the school my older daughter was attending. Right from the start, we established a strong ritual. Once a month we went on a girl’s night out, going to dinner and a movie afterwards. This ritual lasted long after our children were not attending the same school anymore and they had lost touch with each other. Our friendship remained strong due to our ritual.

Then our lives became so busy that we did not have a lot of time anymore to go out at night and we changed our ritual to going for lunch. However, that new ritual did not have the same strength as our old one. I am sad to say that our lunch dates became more and more infrequent and our friendship drifted apart. Friendships need rituals. Some friendships need regularly shared activities, other friendships can survive on picking up the phone twice a year on each other’s birthday. However, without recognizing the bond in an intentional way, the friendship is going to struggle to survive.

The one relationship which we sometimes forget when it comes to rituals is our partnership or marriage. When I was married to my first husband, we didn’t go out anymore for regular dates after the children were born. We didn’t recognize the importance of alone time and rituals to keep our bond strong. Regular small gestures or ways of connecting go a long way in keeping a relationship healthy.
rituals blog bench in snow

What rituals do you have—or would you like to establish—in your primary love relationship? Do you touch, kiss and hug as part of your day, on waking up, going to sleep, leaving the house or coming home? Do you call or text during the day, not just to exchange information but to connect emotionally? Do you take a new class together, for example learning a language, or taking a cooking class, or dance class together? Do you have a special time together, for example having your morning coffee together or maintaining a regular date night or weekend getaway?

Other bonding rituals, deliberately structured moments of connecting, are validating your partner’s struggles and victories on a regular basis, for example “I am so amazed how you are able to…”, “I am proud of you for pushing through…”, or “I saw you struggle in that situation. You did your best…”

Publicly recognizing your partner and your relationship in front of friends or family members is another way of strengthening the bond. Some couples renew their vows; others are comfortable to express their love on facebook. But even a simple thank you in front of other people on a regular basis is a ritual that strengthens the relationship. Or a gesture of gratitude like bringing flowers home with a sincere thank you “for everything you do”.


I highly recommend the book “Hold Me Tight” by attachment theorist Sue Johnson. She views our intimate love relationship as the primary way to heal childhood attachment issues. She teaches that the way to save and enrich a relationship is to reestablish safe emotional connection. To purchase the book from amazon, please click here.

As mentioned above, one ritual for some couples is to take a workshop together. Many couples who have taken our workshops have established a ritual of helping each other to change subconscious beliefs. I am teaching muscle testing during the four day Shadow Energetics Workshop. We will learn to muscle test others and how to do self-muscle testing.

To learn more contact


905-286-9466 (free phone consultation) or


For 2016 workshop dates and locations go to Upcoming Workshop.

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Raising Children from Love, Not Fear

When we first become parents, raising children does not come with a manual or a class. Many of us unconsciously fall into the same parenting fears our own parents had.

We might worry our child is not smart enough to make it out there in the big world, or that he or she is too sensitive or too quiet and shy or even too confident and cocky. This list goes on. We try to give them what we feel they are lacking, making extra sure they get everything they need.

What we forget is that we see in them what we deny in ourselves, or on some level fear that we are. They show us our shadow. How often do I hear parents say “my daughter is like my husband” or, “my son is like me.” If we really felt we were perfect and complete, deserving and worthy, this would be a good sentence. However, as we are our own harshest critics, this is most of the time not a good view of our children.

With my first child, I fell into the same fears I was raised with, into the perception of lack. Just like my mother, I had a hard time trusting from the first day on that my daughter is perfect the way she was born and has everything she needs to live a fulfilling life of personal and spiritual growth.

It took me quite a few years to understand that parenting from fear means not truly parenting from love and trust. Fear eats away on joy, robs us of our connection with the Divine; fear breeds the inner critic and perfectionist who is hard to get rid of once it has made itself comfortable in our head.

Here is another lovely story of a little soul just wanting to be accepted. When the due-date arrived, the first shock that the mother had was that her baby was breech and would be born with a Caesarean. The second surprise was that the baby turned out to be a girl even though the parents had been told she was a boy. In their culture a boy was valued higher than a girl but this little soul had extraordinary parents who quickly embraced her sex and loved her deeply.

Yet, the learning for mother and daughter continues as the daughter becomes older and turns out to have a strong personality. She is smart and able to look through things. She questions people and their intentions or words. She isn’t manipulated easily. She knows what she wants.

The mother is concerned at times that she is too confident, not respectful enough, and going to have trouble later on in their culture, which still expects women to take the backseat. The daughter mirrors for the mother all those characteristics that she has as well but never allowed herself to show.

With Psych-K, we balanced acceptance on both sides. The mother balanced that she accepts her daughter exactly the way she is. Then the mother surrogated for the daughter to make sure her daughter feels completely loved and accepted as the person she is. The little girl needed to feel that she is safe and secure in her core family so that she is able to face the extended family still favouring boys over girls.

Her parents are going to be the first generation that can and will step out of this circle of fear that children need to be “fixed” to become a good little girl or a tough little boy. This wonderful soul picked this scenario for herself to overcome challenges. She picked parents who will parent from love, not fear. They are able to just let her be. I am looking forward to seeing her grow up to be an amazing woman living between two cultures and embracing the best of both.

If you are interested to do relationship work and shift your subconscious beliefs with Psych-K to be the best parent you can possibly be please contact me for a free phone consultation