Giving Birth to A New Year

I just had a birthday, one of those that are supposed to be a big deal. I had a truly wonderful get-away with family and some of my closest friends, yet this transition into a new decade of my life did not unfold completely smoothly. This had me contemplating the mix of emotions which can come up prior to a birthday.

I have always felt a certain heaviness and sensitivity around the time of my birthday, and this year even more so. And had you asked me why, I would have told you that I wasn’t quite sure, couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Each year, I wondered if it was the fall and the upcoming winter that felt sad, or the hopes and expectations for the day itself which felt heavy. I knew it had nothing to do with getting older per se. I do believe that with each passing year we become wiser and that each new decade of our life brings new adventures and gifts. Yet, the emotions around this time of year always felt a bit like grief.

alone-depressed-grieving

This year, my wise friend Dhebi DeWitz said something that really resonated with me. She reassured me, that “it is not uncommon with the week or two weeks leading up to a birthday to feel the heaviness of the old birth year ending and the energies die off that go with it. Just ride it through and know that it is a cycle coming to an end. Then things start fresh energetically with the birth of your new year.”

Her words prompted me to start an internet search. I was amazed how many articles I came across on the topic of “birthday blues”, “birthday depression” or “birthday sadness”. I had no idea this was such a wide spread phenomenon. We all know what birthdays are supposed to be like. They are supposed to be joyous occasions, a time of celebration, a time when friends remember friends and families get together. It suddenly dawned on me that just like Christmas, Mother’s Day or other holidays which are overloaded with expectations, birthdays can also be challenging for several different reasons.

  1. As Dhebi pointed out, something old ends and something new begins. We might need to experience some feelings of grief and of letting the old go as we open up to the new year, or even new decade of our life. There is an energetic shift. That energetic shift can be exhilarating, but may also come with apprehension about the unknown. A birthday can be bitter sweet and that is alright.
  2. 2. Unless you are like my uncle—who literally hopes everybody will forget his birthday—we often have a need for this day to be more significant than other days. Some of our essential needs are the need for appreciation, love and celebration. It is natural that we are hoping for the day to be out of the ordinary and to feel significant or special, celebrated and appreciated.

celebration 2

What we have to be aware of, however, is the tendency to measure people’s love for us by how they respond to our birthday. Everybody has a different love language, and while some people are very good at giving gifts or words of affection, others are better at showing their affection through spending quality time with us or by doing something for us (acts of service). It also all depends on how much value others attribute to birthdays in general. It is easy to misinterpret somebody’s action or non-action in regards to our birthday and make it mean something it does not mean at all.

  1. Just like the end of a calendar year and the beginning of a new one, a birthday can also mark a point where we are contemplating our goals and where we are at in life. Suddenly, a certain goal we have not achieved stands out more, or a particular milestone has not been accomplished. When we are struggling with work, relationships or fertility issues, certain birthdays can be a trigger for sadness or depression. We might have hoped to be at a certain point in our career, or to own a house, or to be married / in a long term relationship at a certain age, or we might feel we are running out of time in regards to having children. We are experiencing grief in regards to our dreams, yet, we are expected to be happy on this special day of ours. Whether a birthday is depressing or joyful largely depends on those artificial deadlines we have set for ourselves.

dreams-house-marriage-children

As humans, we are capable of organizing our life into past, present and future. We have a certain life expectancy and particular birthdays can be more emotional because the number represents something to us. At 20 we are not a teen anymore, at 21 we are considered to be even more of an adult, 25 is the completion of a quarter of a century, 30, 40, 50, 60 and so on mark the beginning of a new decade, 50 is half a century, at 65 we are considered senior citizens, perhaps when we turn 76 or 83 or 87, we wonder how much longer we have because one or both of our parents died at that age, and so on.

  1. Another factor that influences how satisfied we are around our birthday is conscious or unconscious childhood memories of happy or unhappy birthdays. Perhaps, we mourn the long-gone magic of a childhood birthday. Or perhaps, we have had disappointing experiences and we have learned limiting beliefs about ourselves, about deserving and about celebrations. That experienced disappointment might literally be stuck in our body and energy field and can easily be triggered again, unless we release the emotion.

boy-crying

  1. We might not be fortunate enough to have someone in our life who organizes a party or other birthday celebration, and there is work and stress involved in planning the event. That stress is magnified when we feel grief about having to plan and prepare ourselves. How much that sadness hits us depends again on our beliefs, our unfulfilled needs and longings and what meaning we attribute to a particular birthday.

If you are experiencing confusing emotions or heaviness around your birthday, know you are not alone and just ride it through, as Dhebi recommended. You are allowed to laugh and cry, to feel happy and sad, to celebrate and mourn, and to embrace the wide range of your emotions fully, no matter what day it is.

I embrace all my emotions

To release stuck emotions, discover more about your needs and how to meet them, or change subconscious beliefs, using PSYCH-K®, Shadow Energetics or L.E.E.P. (Life Enhancing Energy Processes created by Dhebi DeWitz) please contact

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

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Empty Nest?

Have you ever tried to push an emotion away instead of dealing with it? Doesn’t work so well, does it? It’s a bit like trying to push a beach ball under water. It is bound to pop up again sooner or later.

I had my own week of pushing down a beach ball. Ten days ago, my oldest moved out. She and I have always had a very strong bond. A friend of mine, who has a son a few years older, has been making foreboding remarks about the challenges of adjusting to children moving out for the last few months. Resolutely, I had refused to listen and “have her put suggestions into my head”. After all, her son had no siblings and the term “empty nest” did not apply to me at all.

When you google “empty nest syndrome” definitions like this one come up: “Empty nest syndrome is a feeling of grief and loneliness parents may feel when their children leave home for the first time. This can result in depression and a loss of purpose for parents, since the departure of their children from “the nest” leads to adjustments in parents’ lives. Empty nest syndrome is especially common in full-time mothers.”

Nest 2

I just couldn’t see how that could possibly apply to me. I have my work which I love, a close loving partnership, another daughter and a stepdaughter. Does that sound like an empty nest? I was worried about how my younger daughter would deal with her sister being away from home. I feared she would miss her best friend and mentor. Her older sister is the one she is closely bonded into. However, I was not expecting to feel grief myself.

My daughter moved out on Friday. On Sunday, my stepdaughter, who is an intuitive little one, asked me twice out of the blue “Are you okay?” I replied to her I was feeling tired but secretly started wondering what she was picking up on. By Monday, I was starting to realize that I was suppressing something. The bond with my oldest is strong and I trust it will change and become in some ways even deeper than it is. So that was not it. Yet, I felt moody, restless and just not myself.

It took a couple of meditations and some muscle testing to realize what was being triggered. A very old primal fear came up. I traced it back to being barely four years old. At that time, shifts happened in my family with one of my sisters being born and my mother almost leaving my father due to another crisis. The experience I had back then was that it is not safe for me when shifts happen among the people I love. Once I had uncovered that limiting belief, it was easy to clear it out.

Nest 5

We can clear out fears or limiting beliefs using PSYCH-K® or another belief change technique. In addition it can help to use NLP-based techniques of refocusing on what we want at this point in our life. This helps us to further adapt to changes and to be able to direct our creative energy towards our own/new goals.

Sometimes we underestimate periods of transition in our life. We are getting married or moving in with someone. We are having a baby. We are melting two families. Somebody moves out. We are getting a promotion into a more challenging position. Somebody in the family is retiring. All these are usually “happy” events. Yet, just like losing our job, a break-up of a relationship, a separation, a divorce or losing somebody through death, transitions shake us and require adjustments. They can trigger emotions and fears. They might bring limiting beliefs up to the surface. They are, however, a gift. They are an opportunity to do our growth work.

Are you going through a transition in your life?

For Life Coaching and Emotional Healing Work

Contact Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

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