Why We Judge Our Parents

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Do your children seem judgmental of some of the things you do? Or do you feel triggered into judgment and lack of compassion in regards to your own parents?

When I teach the Shadow Energetics Workshop, I give examples for how couples carry each other’s shadow traits, how siblings are often functioning from opposites, and how children trigger our own shadows. When I was teaching day one of the training last weekend, it occurred to me that I don’t highlight as much that children are also triggered by the shadows their parents mirror to them. Our parents reflect to us what we have disowned in ourselves and we do the same for our kids.

Henry Ward Beecher points out that we don’t really know the extent of the love our parents felt for us as children until we have become a mother or father ourselves. I would like to add that we also don’t know what it feels like to be judged by our children until it happens to us. The experience of walking in the parental shoes gives us a different perspective on our own parents and their struggles. Being the parent means that we are mirroring shadow traits for our teenage or young adult children as well. It is uncomfortable to be at the receiving end of those projections but we need to keep in mind that this is not about us, as much as it feels that way, but it is about what our children have learned to disown; and we may even have taught them to disown that particular trait or energy.

When it comes to technology or other modern day problems that need solving, I am quick to throw my hands up in the air, going into helplessness. My daughters will help, but lately there has been some impatience from their side. They pride themselves on being independent and able to problem solve well. At their age, they have disowned their own neediness for outside support a bit. It appears to them as a quality that is not desirable, a shadow they have renounced.

Ironically, raising my daughters, I always affirmed their independence and encouraged them to put their mind to problem solving because my own mother mirrored helplessness to me. Independence is a very useful quality. At the same time, we are naturally interdependent as human beings.

Helping others with an open heart and gracefully accepting help from them in return connects us on a heart-to-heart level and fosters greater compassion and understanding for one another. What would society look like if everybody just took care of themselves without extending a helping hand? No energy is “bad” or “wrong”. Being able to ask for help is as useful and beneficial as being independent.

As a parent, it is my job not to take the response of the younger generation personally and to keep mirroring this shadow to them until they are ready to embrace it. We need to learn from each other in this situation. Their independence encourages me to problem solve more myself before turning to somebody for help. At the same time, they also need to be connected with that energy of “neediness”. As humans, we are all needy for emotional support and practical help from each other.

According to author James Gilliland, who has written about the seven essence mirrors, the fifth mirror reflects our parents to us: “It is often said we marry our father or mother. We often also become them, acting out the same healthy and unhealthy patterns we learned as a child.”

I used to see my mother as overly fearful and helpless, especially when something unforeseen occurred, and I also judged her for what I perceived from the outside as “settling” for a situation she was not happy with. Once my sister and I had grown up, she was clearly bored. I used to question why she didn’t find something new, something that was challenging and fulfilling.

Today, I certainly have more fears than I had when I was twenty. My daughters’ courage sometimes leaves me breathless. When the older one travels all over the world by herself or the younger one charges forward without fear of rejection, I have to remind myself that they are safe and to trust them to be okay. In some ways, I have become my mother. The horizon of the next generation is always a bit broader; it is a different world.

I also notice that the lure of what is familiar is strong. Starting something new can require a lot of positive self-talk and belief changes. It has a scary element to it. I did not have that empathy when I was younger. I lacked the understanding that what my mother was mirroring to me was what I had disowned within myself.

Sometimes we realize that we have become somewhat like our parents, other times we wake up to the fact that we are married to our father or mother. In an older blog, I wrote about Benjamin who grew up with a stepfather who was a raging alcoholic. Ben learned that anger is nothing but destructive and that he is weak and helpless when confronted with it. Before Ben realizes it, he is married to Grete, a partner who in that one important way is a replica of his stepfather. She didn’t appear to be angry when they first married, but their interactions bring this energy to the surface. When she is frustrated, she hides her vulnerability behind anger and she yells. Ben, however, has learned to be afraid of anger and aggression. When somebody only slightly raises their voice, not to mention starts yelling, his reptilian brain instantly goes into the fight, flight or freeze response. The more Ben freezes and avoids her instead of communicating what is going on for him, the more disconnected and invisible Grete feels and the louder she becomes, desperately trying to get through to him. They are caught in a cycle of frustration. Ben feels unsafe and unloved just as he felt during childhood. He judges Grete for being too angry. Grete feels invisible and unimportant, which is her childhood experience. She perceives his stone-walling as a danger cue and, if you so like, a counter-attack.

Ben shuts down because he feels controlled and powerless just as he did when he was growing up. As a child, he felt terrified of his stepfather’s anger. By the time he was a teenager, this fear had turned into stubborn resistance. Ben perfected the non-response, a completely still-face and quiet defiance of the man he hated. Grete mirrors his stepfather to him and he cannot help himself; he flips either into the helpless little boy or the stubborn teenager. In that quiet defiance and non-response lies Ben’s power. He is unaware how this dynamic perpetuates the problems they have. Even though Grete seems to be the stronger one on the surface, underneath the tip of the anger iceberg is always a more vulnerable experience.

Anger lives in Ben’s shadow and because it is an energy he is disconnected from and fears, he is bound to attract it into his life through other people, like his wife, until he integrates this shadow quality. Grete judges Ben for being weak and passive. The only way out for Ben and Grete is to embrace the opposite energy more. Ben needs to get in touch with his own anger and stand up calmly and assertively. That will allow Grete to be in her female energy more, be softer and gentler, allowing him to be more masculine and strong. By taking steps towards each other, they are both becoming more whole and are able to communicate and interact more productively.

Are you stuck in a parent-child interaction with your partner? In which ways do other people mirror your mother or father to you? And in which ways are you mirroring a disowned part for one of your children?

If you want to  work on your own triggers and shadows to live more conscious relationships contact me for a free phone consultation on either individual sessions or couple’s coaching.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

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Giving Birth to A New Year

I just had a birthday, one of those that are supposed to be a big deal. I had a truly wonderful get-away with family and some of my closest friends, yet this transition into a new decade of my life did not unfold completely smoothly. This had me contemplating the mix of emotions which can come up prior to a birthday.

I have always felt a certain heaviness and sensitivity around the time of my birthday, and this year even more so. And had you asked me why, I would have told you that I wasn’t quite sure, couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Each year, I wondered if it was the fall and the upcoming winter that felt sad, or the hopes and expectations for the day itself which felt heavy. I knew it had nothing to do with getting older per se. I do believe that with each passing year we become wiser and that each new decade of our life brings new adventures and gifts. Yet, the emotions around this time of year always felt a bit like grief.

alone-depressed-grieving

This year, my wise friend Dhebi DeWitz said something that really resonated with me. She reassured me, that “it is not uncommon with the week or two weeks leading up to a birthday to feel the heaviness of the old birth year ending and the energies die off that go with it. Just ride it through and know that it is a cycle coming to an end. Then things start fresh energetically with the birth of your new year.”

Her words prompted me to start an internet search. I was amazed how many articles I came across on the topic of “birthday blues”, “birthday depression” or “birthday sadness”. I had no idea this was such a wide spread phenomenon. We all know what birthdays are supposed to be like. They are supposed to be joyous occasions, a time of celebration, a time when friends remember friends and families get together. It suddenly dawned on me that just like Christmas, Mother’s Day or other holidays which are overloaded with expectations, birthdays can also be challenging for several different reasons.

  1. As Dhebi pointed out, something old ends and something new begins. We might need to experience some feelings of grief and of letting the old go as we open up to the new year, or even new decade of our life. There is an energetic shift. That energetic shift can be exhilarating, but may also come with apprehension about the unknown. A birthday can be bitter sweet and that is alright.
  2. 2. Unless you are like my uncle—who literally hopes everybody will forget his birthday—we often have a need for this day to be more significant than other days. Some of our essential needs are the need for appreciation, love and celebration. It is natural that we are hoping for the day to be out of the ordinary and to feel significant or special, celebrated and appreciated.

celebration 2

What we have to be aware of, however, is the tendency to measure people’s love for us by how they respond to our birthday. Everybody has a different love language, and while some people are very good at giving gifts or words of affection, others are better at showing their affection through spending quality time with us or by doing something for us (acts of service). It also all depends on how much value others attribute to birthdays in general. It is easy to misinterpret somebody’s action or non-action in regards to our birthday and make it mean something it does not mean at all.

  1. Just like the end of a calendar year and the beginning of a new one, a birthday can also mark a point where we are contemplating our goals and where we are at in life. Suddenly, a certain goal we have not achieved stands out more, or a particular milestone has not been accomplished. When we are struggling with work, relationships or fertility issues, certain birthdays can be a trigger for sadness or depression. We might have hoped to be at a certain point in our career, or to own a house, or to be married / in a long term relationship at a certain age, or we might feel we are running out of time in regards to having children. We are experiencing grief in regards to our dreams, yet, we are expected to be happy on this special day of ours. Whether a birthday is depressing or joyful largely depends on those artificial deadlines we have set for ourselves.

dreams-house-marriage-children

As humans, we are capable of organizing our life into past, present and future. We have a certain life expectancy and particular birthdays can be more emotional because the number represents something to us. At 20 we are not a teen anymore, at 21 we are considered to be even more of an adult, 25 is the completion of a quarter of a century, 30, 40, 50, 60 and so on mark the beginning of a new decade, 50 is half a century, at 65 we are considered senior citizens, perhaps when we turn 76 or 83 or 87, we wonder how much longer we have because one or both of our parents died at that age, and so on.

  1. Another factor that influences how satisfied we are around our birthday is conscious or unconscious childhood memories of happy or unhappy birthdays. Perhaps, we mourn the long-gone magic of a childhood birthday. Or perhaps, we have had disappointing experiences and we have learned limiting beliefs about ourselves, about deserving and about celebrations. That experienced disappointment might literally be stuck in our body and energy field and can easily be triggered again, unless we release the emotion.

boy-crying

  1. We might not be fortunate enough to have someone in our life who organizes a party or other birthday celebration, and there is work and stress involved in planning the event. That stress is magnified when we feel grief about having to plan and prepare ourselves. How much that sadness hits us depends again on our beliefs, our unfulfilled needs and longings and what meaning we attribute to a particular birthday.

If you are experiencing confusing emotions or heaviness around your birthday, know you are not alone and just ride it through, as Dhebi recommended. You are allowed to laugh and cry, to feel happy and sad, to celebrate and mourn, and to embrace the wide range of your emotions fully, no matter what day it is.

I embrace all my emotions

To release stuck emotions, discover more about your needs and how to meet them, or change subconscious beliefs, using PSYCH-K®, Shadow Energetics or L.E.E.P. (Life Enhancing Energy Processes created by Dhebi DeWitz) please contact

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

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Once Upon a Time There Was An Evil Queen

“I’m still what’s inside of you. I’m all you’ll ever be,” says the Evil Queen, smirking at the woman in front of her.

Regina, the modern counterpart of the Evil Queen, is facing her darkness, about to kill her. Characteristic for this popular TV series, she ties the Queen up with a magic spell, reaches into the chest of the evil woman and rips out her heart.

“I hate you,” snarls the Evil Queen.

Regina is looking down at the black heart beating in her hand. She is about to kill her dark shadow side by squashing the heart, but then she hesitates.

She replies, “But I don’t. Not anymore… I am going to choose love over hate.”

She pulls out her own heart and melts the two for a moment. When she pulls them apart again, the dark heart has become lighter, and the light one now has traces of darkness. She puts both hearts back in their chests.

“I gave you some of my love… in return I am taking back some of your darkness, our darkness”, she explains.

The Evil queen looks stunned. “Why?” she inquires.

Regina answers calmly, “You are part of me and I am part of you.—And now I love myself!”

“Once Upon a Time” is a TV series about fairy tale characters who end up in our modern world and travel between realms, different magical realms and the contemporary world. One of the main characters is the Evil Queen from the fairy tale Snow White. At the beginning of this series, this Evil Queen, Regina, cast a curse which traps all the fairy tale characters, frozen in time, and brings them into our modern world. Different interactions between good and evil unfold throughout the six seasons.

Remarkable about this series is that no evil character is purely evil. Everybody demonstrates good and bad sides and even the antagonists change and develop. The viewer gets insights into how and why they have became so dark in the first place. There usually is some pain, hurt and lack of love behind their darkness.

Regina develops into a loving person in the contemporary world, yet her original character from fairy tale land remains dark. In the sixth season, it comes to the above described showdown between the modern Regina and her dark counterpart, the Queen. This showdown scene is the perfect example of how we are all facing our shadow selves and how we often hate that shadow. Instead of killing it and trying to get rid of everything that we have learned to believe is bad or wrong about us, we can embrace those shadow traits and end up actually loving ourselves the way we truly are.

Originally, the Evil Queen, who experienced a lot of personal pain and loss, trapped everybody in time to prevent all the fairly tale characters, especially Snow White, from getting their “happily ever after”. In the end, her modern counterpart, Regina, helps her to find her happy ending in Fairy Tale Land. The message being that everybody deserves to love him or herself and find that intimate connection with others.

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When we embrace our shadows we work towards a similar “happily ever after” in all our relationships. Integrating our shadows moves us into wholeness, into unconditional love of ourselves. We separate from the Inner Critic, the voice inside us that says there is something wrong with us for having a certain trait or behaving in a certain way. The more we separate from that judgemental voice, the easier it is to look into the mirror and say “I love myself.” By finding separation from the voice inside of us that says we need to hate our flaws and hide the way we truly are, we become gentle with ourselves and we can reconnect with our Inner Child. When we connect with that vulnerable part inside, we find our joy, our childlike wonder, our magic, our curiosity, our imagination, our creativity, our playfulness, and our intimacy.

As we accept all traits inside us, we can accept them in others. We release our judgments and projections. We develop a natural compassion towards others. We can accept other people more and more the way they are. When others feel our love and acceptance, it gives them permission to be their authentic selves. They feel safe because they will not be found wrong by us. Their protective walls come down and their masks come off. The result is the mutual ability to live loving and authentic relationships with each other.

couple, bike, love

Check the Upcoming Workshops schedule for the next four-day Shadow Energetics training or contact me for individual sessions.

Angelika, 905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

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Like a Beaver Dam

Samantha is really frustrated. “I have been doing my healing work for years. I have tried many different techniques and they all helped, some more than others, but why am I still at this point in my life? Why have I not reached all my goals of abundance, health and the perfect relationship, yet? Why do I have to do more work? I want to finally be done.”

Samantha is not the only client sitting in front of me who express frustration with the fact that their inner work is still not complete. Their Inner Critic tells them that they should be clear and enlightened with no issues or struggles whatsoever because, after all, they have already worked on themselves, their fears, their beliefs, their emotions and their relationships.

At that point, I usually share with them my latest piece of personal work. And they typically say something along the lines of, “But you have been in this field for fourteen years! You should be done!” I also tell them that in my experience, the work never ends. Why is that? Doing our personal work is like peeling away the layers of an onion. Each layer allows us to go deeper. Life unfolds and we are nudged to peel away yet another layer.

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Sometimes it is like working away on a beaver dam that blocks the flow of the river of our consciousness. This dam represents all our obstructions and blocks due to our limiting beliefs, fears, emotions and shadows. With each piece of debris we pull out, the river can flow better and we become more whole. With each stick, we broaden our conscious awareness of ourselves and the world.

When we do deeper work, it is also quite normal that resistance comes up. Our subconscious has many useful programs in place, in fact programs that help us to function and survive. If it was easy to change all those programs, our survival might be in danger. Changing subconscious programs requires engaging this resistance in just the right way and using techniques to access the subconscious mind. Dhebi DeWitz’s L.E.E.P.s are such Life Enhancing Energy Processes that can assist us with our inner work.

The past week held two bigger pieces of work and learning for myself. What came up for me was a shadow trait I needed to integrate and an emotional interference pattern I needed to release. An individual had been mirroring the shadow of being argumentative and opinionated to me. Being opinionated and in some way closed and inflexible is often a trait which is looked upon as difficult. I am the first to admit that at times I can be opinionated and I am sure others find that difficult or discouraging. Many topics I just let go of, because I frankly don’t care enough about the subject at hand to argue with anyone. Yet, when it comes to work-related topics where I have a certain expertise I can certainly come across as having a strong opinion and expressing it clearly.

I usually minimize time with people who want to argue but this particular person had asked repeatedly to spend an extensive period of time with me and my initial judgmental approach was, “oh, no, I can’t take this arguing”. It was time for me to shift how I feel about being opinionated. In fact, I should have done this personal work much earlier when I first noticed a desire to avoid this energy.

jung-quotes

I used a process which I apply with my clients and also teach in my workshops: a Shadow Integration Process. For this method, another person stands in for the shadow part that is the trigger. We take note of what the initial relationship between the person and the part to be integrated is like. Usually, people report dislike, judgment, anger, fear or a feeling of disconnect from this part. We then use a meditative and intuitive process to befriend this shadow and to understand the gifts of this energy. Afterwards, the person gets to meet their now integrated part again and observe completely different feelings towards this energy. Disconnect, anger, or fear have made way for understanding, tolerance, acceptance or even friendship towards this part of us. We are able to love ourselves with this trait and are able to tolerate and accept others with it.

The second piece of work I had to do this week went deeper, as it touched a core wound that required some more healing. All of us have experienced negative or unhealthy emotional extremes at some point. When those emotions feel overwhelming, they can lodge themselves in our body-mind-energy field. They send out a continuous interfering resonance that can cause health issues but also hijack our peace of mind. We perceive our reality through our emotional pain.

Dhebi quote Some of our greatest hinderances

With an open heart, I had made an offer to somebody about a week ago who I don’t know that well but always quite appreciated. This financial discount offer was well-thought through and even muscle tested. I felt good about being giving. I was stunned and shocked when I received a reply in which this individual indicated she felt unfairly treated by me.

When I checked in with myself later that day, I realized that in response to her feeling unfairly treated, I had flipped into the same emotion of being unappreciated and feeling this was unfair towards me. “Our emotionally driven subconscious mind has the uncanny ability of bringing people and situations into our lives that force us to face, and feel, whatever we have previously resisted, denied, or suppressed because that is what it has stored there.” (Dhebi DeWitz, The Messenger Within) My emotional interference pattern from long ago had, despite all good intentions, drawn the same emotional issue into my field.

So whose work was this to do? Mine, of course. This emotion showed up in my reality and it vibrated something much older in me, a core wound, in fact. What needed to be done was not so much to explain and make her understand my position, but to release the emotional interference pattern from within my body and field. The Emotional Release Process, often used with my clients and also taught in the Shadow Energetics Workshop, turned out to be the right tool to resolve the emotional pattern.

When we resolve the interference pattern, the vibration brought to us by the other person does not resonate anymore with our own emotions and we can let the matter go with our heart at peace. Once I had released the emotion, I was also able to see things from the other person’s view. I was able to hear the overwhelm she was experiencing and able to relate to it, free of needing to be defensive. A non-judgmental and loving communication could unfold at that point, which she responded to in kind. After all, we are usually more alike than we can see when we are lost in hurt or emotional pain.

Do you want to embrace a shadow and be less triggered by others, release an emotion you feel stuck in or learn these processes and more in a workshop? You can either contact me for an individual session or join me for this four day workshop:

April 1/2 & 8/9, 2017 from 9:00 a.m. – 6:00 p.m.

For more information please click here:

Upcoming Workshops

If you are enjoying my articles, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

Angelika, 905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

 

Believing Impossible Things

“Alice laughed: “There’s no use trying,” she said; “one can’t believe impossible things.”

“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was younger, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

– Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

 

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Drawing by one-film-one-drawing.deviantart.com/art

 

When we first entertain a new more supportive belief it often seems impossible and ludicrous. Our subconscious mind has, after all, been running on the exact opposite program for years.

“I have a strong immune system and stay healthy all year long.” How unbelievable is that if I have been expecting to get at least one cold every winter?

“I easily and effortlessly attract money doing what I love”. How ludicrous does that seem if the previous belief program is “It is hard for me to make and keep money”?

“I have all it takes to draw my perfect partner into my life.” How hard to grasp if old programs of unworthiness have been running the show!

“I deserve to relax and take time for myself.” How challenging is this when I have learned that I always have to achieve and produce and that resting means I am lazy?

“It is impossible for a human being to run a mile under four minutes.” So many believed that in the 1940ties until Roger Banister broke the world record and ran the mile in 3 minutes, 59 seconds. Shortly afterwards several other people broke that barrier of 4 minutes as it was now believable. Today the world record lies at 3 minutes 43 seconds.

roger-banister

 

Have you ever tried to change your beliefs through affirmations alone? How long did that take and how effective was that? We usually need many repetitions to create lasting changes on a conscious level.

Our subconscious is like a sumo wrestler in a wrestling match with our conscious mind, which perhaps has the strength of a five year old child. Unless we get the sumo wrestler on our side, the match is pretty much lost.

Our conscious mind can process and manage an average of 40 nerve pulse per second, our subconscious mind manages approximately 40 million nerve pulses per second. In other words, while the conscious mind can process 40 bits of information, the subconscious can process 40 million bits. Our conscious mind only controls 5% of all our actions. 95% of our actions are due to our subconscious programs, our beliefs based on our past experiences, traumas, ideas and values.

Bruce Lipton quote A

Bruce Lipton summarizes the four ways of rewriting subconscious programming:

  1. Shock

For example, a belief like “Life is safe for me” can suddenly change to the opposite when we experience a traumatic event like an accident or loss.

  1. Repetition

Affirmations are a way of repeating a new belief over and over again until the subconscious agrees.

  1. Hypnosis

In a normal waking state of consciousness, our brain wave activity is in the beta range. Through hypnosis, we can access alpha and theta brain waves and access the subconscious mind with beneficial suggestions.

  1. Energy Psychology / Belief Change Modalities

Belief Change modalities, like PSYCH-K® or the Shadow Energetics® Belief Change Process, are equivalent to super-learning and are undoubtedly the fastest way of changing a belief. You can rewrite a belief program in 5-10 minutes.

 

What do you believe to be impossible? Are you ready to question your beliefs and belief systems and create amazing changes in your life?

For individual Belief Change Sessions or if you want to learn Shadow Energetics® contact

Angelika Baum, Belief Change Coach and Workshop Facilitator,

905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

If you are enjoying my articles, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

What is Holding You Back from Making “The Secret” Work for Yourself?

 

Dhebi De Witz - quote

 

In her book “The Messenger Within,” Dhebi DeWitz names 7 areas of influence which are holding us back from manifesting and creating the happy and healthy life we are able to have:

  1. Our Beliefs
  2. Our Emotions
  3. Our Essential Human Needs
  4. Our Distant Past
  5. Our Shadows
  6. Our Lifestyle
  7. Additional Energy

 

In “Living the Science of Mind”, Ernest Holmes compares the flow of the Universal Goodness to a huge body of water up in the mountains. The water is brought down by a system of pipes to irrigate the valley. The flow is endless and has a natural pressure within itself. It is only limited by the size of the pipe through which it flows. When no water flows or it only trickles, the reason is not that the water has stopped flowing, but that the pipe is blocked.

The debris blocking the flow of Source Energy or Goodness into our life is made up of our subconscious beliefs, the emotions we are stuck in, our needs which aren’t met, influences from the past (past lives, ancestral lineage), our shadows which we have disowned, lifestyle influences and energy blockages. The reasonable thing is to follow the pipe back and clean out the debris that blocks it.

Waterfall - small

Only approximately 5% of our words and actions originate from the conscious mind. 95% of the time, we are habitually operating from our subconscious beliefs. Those belief programs influence how we think, how we speak, how we act and ultimately, what destiny we are able to manifest for ourselves. The good news is that those subconscious programs can be changed from limiting beliefs to supportive ones.

Just like our limiting beliefs, our emotions also create our experience of reality below our level of conscious awareness. Our emotions affect our health greatly; 90% of physical issues have an emotional root. All of us experience emotional extremes at times. Emotions are normal, in fact, all feelings and emotions are good; they provide us with feedback that we need to address something. However, some emotions do not resolve themselves completely; they can cause an obstruction in the physical body, sending out a continuous interference resonance. This situation is similar to a steam kettle under pressure. As a result, we continue to operate from a reality we perceive from our emotional pain. These blocked emotions can be released from the physical body.

Our essential human needs have a life force of their own. No matter how old we are, as human beings, we all have needs and desires. Unfulfilled needs cause emotions such as frustration, disappointment or resentment. When we learn how to successfully communicate our own needs, we then in turn can also help others to acknowledge, express and fulfill their needs. The Goodness Ernest Holmes speaks about can flow into our life and into our relationships.

There are times when past-life experiences or ancestral lineage influences affect your current life. This is the case when there is a carry-over interference pattern from the past that needs to be resolved in the present. Past life memories are stored in our subconscious mind; ancestral influences are stored in our cells. The latter are passed on through our DNA to the next generation. We have the choice to heal our past lives and ancestral wounds.

Everything that is in the world is also inside of us. We are born like a castle with a thousand rooms. As a child, we explore all rooms in this magnificent castle without malice. We try out all energy or in other words all “possibilities of being” – until other people tell us something is “bad” or “wrong”. You shouldn’t be loud and enjoy attention, you shouldn’t be selfish or greedy, you shouldn’t be lazy, you shouldn’t be angry, you shouldn’t be… and the list goes on. Because we all want and need to be accepted and loved, we disown those personality traits which we learn are “bad”. They become our shadows. Because we have pushed them away, we can only perceive them in projection in others.  They become our triggers; we judge them in others. These shadows become part of the debris which blocks the life force energy. They keep us from being whole, from unconditionally loving ourselves and others. By embracing all our disowned personality parts, we become whole again.

Deepak Chopra emphasizes that we all have a blueprint for health, no blueprint for disease. However, certain lifestyle choices we make create interference patterns which disrupt the healthy blueprint within us. Those choices include—among others—unhealthy food choices, toxins, stress, lack or rest, relaxation and meditation, lack of exercise, lack of joy and play, lack of fresh air and sunshine, and even a lack of bodywork, for example massages or energy work. When we change our eating habits, rest more, and make time for healthy movement, we clear out the debris which is the result of unhealthy lifestyle choices.

Last but not least, the flow is blocked when there is low vibrational or heavy energy affecting us. The more we are aware of the energy flow in our bodies and in our surroundings, the easier we can shift and uplift the energy through a clearing ritual or prayer.

These seven areas constitute the secret behind “The Secret” of manifesting our dreams, goals and desires using the Law of Attraction.

In the Shadow Energetics Workshop, we touch on all seven areas and devolve deeper into the first five.

  1. You learn how to communicate with your subconscious mind and your higher self through energy testing (muscle testing). You are taught a belief change process to replace limiting subconscious beliefs with more supportive ones.
  2. You learn an Emotional Release Process, an efficient and effective tool to release an emotional charge.
  3. We connect with our Inner Child and our Essential Human Needs. You will be introduced to Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication model of successfully expressing your feelings and needs.
  4. When tapping into your Higher Self through muscle testing past issues, including past/parallel lives or our ancestral lineage might come up.
  5. The core piece of the Shadow Energetics workshop are our dark and light shadows which show up in our relationships with others. Our dark shadows are parts of ourselves which we have learned to disown as “bad” or “wrong” and therefore judge in others. Our light shadows are what we admire in others and again think we are not.

For a 20 minute video interview on Shadow Energetics please click here.

The Early Bird Special for the Fall Shadow Energetic Training ends on September 2. For more info go to upcoming workshops or contact Angelika, 905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Starting in October 2016, Dhebi DeWitz and I will offer Shadow Energetics webinars 4-6 times a year. These one hour webinars will be open to former students of Shadow Energetics, as well as Dhebi’s students, and also new people who are interested in finding out more about the work we do and the book Dhebi wrote. If you are interested to join us please contact either one of us.

Angelika
Angelika Baum, 905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca
Dhebi De Witz
Dhebi DeWitz, 425-890-4972, dhebidewitz@gmail.com

Inner Critic – Friend or Foe?

Listen to this topic as a podcast here, or read about it below!

A member of our family was going shopping. He carefully planned out his route to run several errands and included a grocery shopping list. As we sit down for lunch later I ask, “You bought water, didn’t you? Is it still in the car?” He slaps his forehead. “You won’t believe what I did. I left the six water bottles sitting at the check out!” No big deal, we have a water filter too, but the perfect opportunity for his Inner Critic to rear his head and make a mountain out of a molehill.

If you want to know what his Inner Critic voice might say, just think of what your own Inner Critic has to say when you make a mistake, “screw up” or forget something. It pretty much kicks you – depending on how “bad” and “unforgivable” the mistake rates on your personal scale. It might say “You are such an idiot! How can you pay for something and then forget it! Now you have to go back and see if the cashier remembers you. In fact, you are not just stupid, you are getting forgetful. It must be because you are getting old. Or maybe something is seriously wrong with you. Forgetfulness is a symptom of…” And the Inner Critic is off and running, making us feel like a complete failure and scaring the living daylight out of us.

Our Inner Critic is always playing in the background like a radio which we do not even notice anymore. It is constantly assessing and comparing how we are doing. And certain situations bring on real Inner Critic attacks. When we are stressed, weak, tired, hungry, in an unfamiliar place or in a new situation, the Inner Critic might torture us more than usual. When adverse fortune strikes, when we get bad grades or negative assessment, or lose our job, or an important relationship ends, the Inner Critic will make sure we feel terrible and at fault. All those are typical moments which make us more susceptible to an Inner Critic attack.

How do we know we are having an Inner Critic attack? Usually, the first sign is our emotional state. We might feel depressed, or irritated or angry at ourselves. When we listen closely, we can then hear those negative defeatist thoughts which are making us feel “not good enough”.

Originally, the Inner Critic is the internalized parental voice. Just as our parents had the intention to help us by giving us feedback on where and how we could do better, the Inner Critic voice also operates on the assumption that it is protecting us. The idea is, “If I, the Inner Critic, criticize you first, you can fix what is wrong and you are safe from outside criticism”.

The Inner Critic is generally trying to protect us from embarrassment and shame. But due to the harshness of that inner voice, it causes exactly the feeling of shame and not being good enough that it is trying to protect us from.

Inner Critic 1

The Inner Critic loves certain buzz words like “mistake”, “failure” and “symptom”. If Mary has the goal to lose weight and she goes for the bowl of ice cream in the middle of the night, the Inner Critic is likely to tell her that she is and always has been a complete failure, that everybody else has no problems losing weight, and that her eating is a serious symptom of a sugar addiction or even worse.

I have been meaning to write this blog on the Inner Critic for about three weeks. Usually, my blogs literally write themselves. It starts with an idea and the blog around the idea begins to formulate itself in my head before I even type one single word into my computer. Not so with this one.

What would my Inner Critic like to make out of that fact? It is teaming up with my Inner Pusher which says you should be productive and get something done. It might start to say, “What is wrong with you? You are such a procrastinator! You could have / should have / ought to…” And if I do not stop the Inner Critic right there and then, it might bring out the heavy cannonballs along the lines of, “This is a serious symptom! You have never had such a long blogging pause. You have a writing block! What if you never write a single blog again!”

Never mind that I prepared and taught two weekend workshops over the last few weeks, the Inner Critic will label that sort of rational justification as “an excuse” and try to convince me that I’m really slacking off and losing “it”, whatever “it” might be.

The Inner Critic also loves comparisons: “You never used to forget anything!”, “Did you read the amazing blog Grace wrote the other day?”, “Look how thin your sister is, you are such a failure!” or “Look how comfortable and funny Anna is with everybody; you are so dull and awkward and you will never make friends at university.”

No matter what you do, the Inner Critic can never be satisfied! It will always find someone to compare you to and it will always find something to criticize. And it will even find the exact opposite to criticize.

The other day, I had a client who is in his mid forties. He just started a new job and his Inner Critic is having a field day with him. It’s a new situation, and there are new rules and new processes to learn. The Inner Critic is trying to tell him he is too old, too slow, and just plainly not good enough. One moment his Inner Critic says “Your younger colleagues have an advantage; they only had to learn the new processes and not all those old redundant skills which you possess.” The next moment, the Inner Critic turns around and says “The colleagues who are ten years older than you have an advantage because they have more experience than you!” So which is it now, is he too old and slow, or to young and inexperienced? The Inner Critic does not care!

Inner Critic 2b

There is only one way to win the game with the Inner Critic and that is NOT to play!

The Inner Critic works on two principles:

  1. There is a correct way of doing things.
  2. Other people are going to judge you all the time.

Aren’t those interesting assumptions? We just need to go to a different culture or time period to realize there are many different ways of doing things. Each culture has its own rules and value systems.

The Inner Critic works together with other primary selves which we have. We all have different primary personality parts, for example the Perfectionist (likes things to be perfect), the Pusher (wants us to achieve something), the Pleaser (wants to make others happy), the Rational Mind (great at logical thinking but mistrusts feelings and intuition), the Inner Patriarch (echoes the beliefs of thousands of years of patriarchal society), just to name a few.

Each of them operates on certain beliefs. For example, the Perfectionist part in us believes that it’s not okay for us to make mistakes and to be satisfied with imperfection. The Pusher is relentless and constantly pushes us to be productive and achieve something. The Pleaser is convinced that we won’t be loved/liked/safe or that we will experience other negative consequences if we don’t please others. The Rational Mind disregards feelings and intuition and is convinced that it is necessary to understand and dissect everything. All these personality parts are useful. The danger lies in over-identifying with one or more of them. None of these personality parts support relaxation, trusting and going with the flow, being gentle and loving with ourselves or meeting our own needs.

The Inner Critic is the “cop” of the system. It enforces these rules which are beliefs on the level of the subconscious. In order to achieve some separation from the merciless Inner Critic voice which completely paralyzes us and pulls us into depression, we need to change those beliefs which are not supportive for us.

These beliefs are held in the subconscious mind and cannot be changed by the conscious mind. That’s why affirmations only have limited success. Belief change processes offer a way into the subconscious mind to achieve separation from our primary parts and our Inner Critic.

When we have a strong Inner Critic, it is quite easy for others to manage us. We just need that one look or that raised eyebrow and our Inner Critic kicks in immediately. “Oh, I must have said or done something wrong. He/she is not happy with me. I better make sure he or she is pleased with me again …” And without being aware of it, we are giving our entire power away to others.

So how does one tame the Inner Critic and get that voice to shut up?

First of all, we have to learn to recognize when the Inner Critic shows up. The Inner Critic is invisible and often even inaudible. We can make it audible and visible by sharing out loud with our loved ones what the Inner Critic is saying. Journaling and using a different colour when the Inner Critic voice shows up, is another way of calling it out.

The next step is to examine the basic rules the Inner Critic adheres to and makes a crime of, because it works hand in hand with our other personality parts. So the more separation we are getting from our primary selves by changing the beliefs they operate on, the less fuel the Inner Critic has.

Finally, to achieve even further separation, we can get in touch with the energies the Inner Critic tells us we should disown because they are “bad”. Those energies or traits are called our shadows. Shadow work fosters greater balance, inner harmony, self-acceptance and self-love.

Underneath the Inner Critic is anxiety and fear that we need protection to be safe. Love heals all fear. We need to become an Inner Parent to our vulnerable part inside—which is also called our Inner Child—and bring a loving supportive voice up to balance out the Inner Critic. So if the Inner Critic says “You are not good enough!” the loving parent voice can reply “You are perfect the way you are. You are beautiful, smart and lovable in every way.”

The most obvious criteria of separation from the Inner Critic is humour! When we hear the voice of this Critic and can respond with humour, we are on the way to separation.

So what did we do to help our “forgetful” family member to stop the Inner Critic attack that was brewing up like dark storm clouds? We made the voice audible and visible and laughed at it. That prompted that family member to start singing “It’s a good day to go to Superstore, Superstore, Superstore…” to the tune of “The wheels on the bus”. And with everybody’s laughter, the Inner Critic had lost all its momentum and power over the situation. Instead of ruining the day, or at least the next hour, it brought us amusement and entertainment.

If you are enjoying my articles, you can subscribe to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to enter your email address in the field on the left side of the bar. Thank you for your support!

If you want to learn more about your Inner Critic and embark on the journey of separation you have three options:

– Contact Angelika for individual sessions, 905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

– Sign up for the next Workshop on the Inner Critic

Saturday, July 9, 2016 from 10:00 a.m to 4:00 p.m

Sunday, May 7, 2017 from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.

 

 

Good As Gold – How Siblings Carry Each Others Shadow Traits

I have written in the past about partners carrying each other’s disowned energies and how children mirror our shadows for us. Another way to find out what is in your shadow is to take a look at your sibling(s). Sometimes the differences between two or more siblings are subtle but in many cases they are quite obvious. Often siblings carry each others opposites.

The older sister—or brother—might be, for example, over-identified with being the responsible one, the one who is more conservative, careful with money and striving to save up for sensible goals like buying a house. He or she might be the one who studies and works hard. The younger sister or brother then often steps into the opposite energy. He or she shows up as “irresponsible”, fun loving, care-free and able to spend money on an adventure or instant gratification. One sibling perhaps seems to live for the future, worrying that everything turns out the way he or she hopes. The other one lives in the present and does not dream of owning real estate or saving up for retirement.

Is one of them right and the other one wrong? Neither one has made the “better” choices, neither energy is bad. In fact, to be whole we need to feel we have a choice whether we want to be responsible in a situation or less responsible, whether we want to make a sensible choice for future safety or possibly a choice to enjoy the present moment. It is important to plan ahead; it is also enriching to feel care-free and to fully live right now.

Being identified with one energy while disowning the opposite energy, affects our relationships. Instead of truly supporting each other and being friends, the siblings usually end up judging in each other what they don’t allow themselves to be. The older sibling will judge the younger one as “irresponsible” and the younger one might call the older one “boring”. Meanwhile there is a part in both of them which longs to be whole, which feels resentful when the other sibling’s approach seems to give them an advantage. The older one, who feels he or she has worked so hard and always does what is expected might feel annoyed to see that the younger one gets through life alright, apparently without worrying about money and having so much fun. The younger one might secretly feel inferior and wish at times that she had savings or better grades or higher qualifications.

Yet, neither approach to life is right or wrong, neither is better than the other. Those are two different experiences of life, based on different choices and a result of the fact that they are both not fully conscious of how energy works.

Both are depriving themselves from being truly whole and having a free choice in each given moment in life who they want to be or what energy they want to display. What the other one mirrors to them, what they are irritated by and judge in the other sibling, is actually, as Hal Stone says “the medicine they need”.

Hal & Sidra what we judge in others

Hal and Sidra Stone

The older sibling is not automatically the more serious and responsible one. John is the father of a 15 year old son and a 12 year old daughter. He has come for relationship coaching as he is greatly struggling with his son. He describes him as “disrespectful, irresponsible, messy, unreliable, not applying himself in school, lazy” or in short “incredibly irresponsible”. As John talks about his son, he is getting agitated and angry. It is palpable how much the teenager triggers him. When I ask him about his daughter, he smiles and his voice becomes soft. “She is good as gold”, he says several times. “She is always reliable and tidy and gets good marks in school. She helps around the house; she is always even tempered and so responsible. She is really good as gold.”

When I explain about opposite energies and shadows John has a hard time seeing how any of the traits his son displays could be useful energy or good in any way. He wants his son to be “good as gold” just like his daughter. However, that is not how energy works. The younger sister has taken on the brother’s responsible shadow and he is carrying his sister’s care free energy. Both children are not showing up as their whole complete selves. They have polarized into opposites and being labelled as “irresponsible” and “good as gold” manifests this situation. They don’t see a way out of this polarization. The daughter gets positive attention and affection by being a perfect little angel. The son gets attention by being the black sheep.

Angel 3

I ask John what happens when the daughter makes a mistake or gets a mark that’s not a perfect score. At first he says, “But that doesn’t happen! She is an A student across board!” Then he admits that she beats herself up for any mistake or less than perfect performance. She is tough on herself. She worries about the future too. She has a hard time relaxing, doing nothing for a few hours.

As parents we see this polarization between siblings from the outside. Often, we will look at one of them and feel more comfortable with their approach to life than with the other. We mustn’t forget that our children are a mirror for us as well, for what we don’t like about ourselves (our dark shadows) or what we maybe admire about others and think we are not (our light shadows).

It is our job to allow all our children to be whole. It is up to us to encourage a child who is identified more with responsibility or perfection to loosen up, to be okay with making mistakes, to enjoy life right now. And it is also our job to trust the child who shows up as more irresponsible that they are capable and willing to take responsibility for their actions. It is our—perhaps most difficult—task to allow them to learn their own life lessons. By embracing our own shadows which we see in them, we can come to a place of non-judgment and true unconditional love.

If you enjoy my posts, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

 

Would you like to understand the energetic dynamics in your family more? Is there a relationship you would like to improve? Do you want to stop being triggered by certain family members?

To learn more contact me (Angelika) for individual sessions or Shadow Energetics Workshops.

905-286-9466 (free phone consultation) or

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

For 2016 workshop dates and locations go to Upcoming Workshop.

 

 

Clearing the Energy Between Two People

The couple is standing about 18 inches apart from each other. Each of them has their left hand over their heart and their right and on top of the partner’s hand. They are connected through a heart to heart link with each other.

Hands Over Heart

She says to him a couple of times, “I forgive you completely and I am sorry” and a smile shows up on his face. He quips, “I need to hear that one more”, making a reference to what they have joked about before: she does not find it easy to say sorry. Good-naturedly, she keeps repeating the phrase until the respective chakra shows a clear and harmonious energy. Whatever it was—that one or both needed to let go—has energetically been released to clear the solar plexus chakra.

They previously had transpersonally aligned their seven chakras and I muscles tested each chakra in relationship to each other. A couple of chakras for each of them showed distorted energy. That is not unusual. Issues arise in every day life and affect the energy between us. Perhaps an issue causes us to feel unsupported (root chakra) or unable to express ourselves (throat chakra). For some people almost every chakra is energetically “off”. The Relationship Alignment is not always an experience of good-naturedly teasing each other like in the case of this very conscious couple. Frequently tears flow or resistance can show up in regards to a particular issue.

Very often both people aren’t able or willing to come in together for a session. In that case, another person can—with the permission of the Higher Self—stand in for the absent partner. The Relationship Allignment can be done just as effectively with a stand-in.

The stand-in experience itself is utterly fascinating. Often the stand-in partner is able to pick up on physical or emotional issues of the person they are substituting for. They can feel how that person feels. The alignment is just as intense and it feels as real for the client who is personally present. A frequent response of my clients is, “Oh, my God, it felt like I was really looking into my father’s (mother’s, sister’s, ex-husband’s etc) eyes!”

The Relationship Alignment can be done for relationship partners, other family members, friends or even somebody distant like your boss. Where ever there is disharmonious energy between two people it is worth checking if a Relationship Alignment might help.

Sometimes our loved one has died before we were able to heal the relationship. A stand-in can also be used for somebody who has already passed on. Beautiful healing can still be brought to relationships and the person left behind through this process. In fact, some of the most touching moment’s I have experienced as a facilitator or stand-in took place when healing issues beyond the physical death of one person.

 

Is there a relationship you would like to heal or improve?

I am teaching the Relationship Alignment during the four day Shadow Energetics Workshop.

To learn more contact me (Angelika) for individual sessions or Shadow Energetics Workshops.

905-286-9466 (free phone consultation) or

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

For 2016 workshop dates and locations go to Upcoming Workshop.

If you enjoy my posts, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

 

Having Our Needs Met in Relationships

She looks at her watch and says in annoyed tone: “You are home late, again! You always come home late! Do you have to go to the Gym after work every day?”

His reply is defensive: “Yes, I do! That’s the only time I have to myself. You don’t ask me for permission to have your hair done or your nails! You like to go into work early at least three or four times a week and I always have to take the kids to school instead of going to the Gym.”

She retorts angrily: “You make it sound as if I only think of myself but I am working full time like you and I am sitting home alone with the kids, every night after I have run them around to their classes. You never help me! Once in a while, you could come home earlier and make dinner for everybody!”

This was the role play my partner and I acted out for one of my talks on non-violent communication just a couple of weeks ago. When I introduce my clients to the four steps of NVC, based on Marshall Rosenberg’s work, they seem so easy and straightforward. Yet, it is so ingrained in most of us to have conversations in which one or both people get defensive and feel attacked due to us using generalized critical statements and blaming each other. When we do not feel safe in a conversation, our fight or flight response sets in. We either attack, or we withdraw and shut down. Despite the anger on the surface, deep down both partners long for nothing more than a safe space to connect and express how they feel underneath the anger.

IMG_3345 cropped

Let’s look at how we can change these patterns of defending, withdrawing and attacking, using our example. What are the needs of both parents? She has the need for support; he has the need for alone time. They both have the need for recognition of what they do.

Based on those needs what do they feel? She feels alone and unsupported, he feels controlled. They both feel unappreciated.

Before you read on, put yourself in her shoes and using the four steps of non-violent communication find a more successful way of expressing her feelings, explaining her needs, and finishing with a concrete request made to her husband. Remember to make neutral observations free of judgments in regards to him going to the Gym. Then use “I” statements which reflect that she is taking responsibility for her own feelings. Nobody makes us feel a certain way. Our feelings are a result of the meaning we give our perceptions. Next help her express her needs, values or desires which are at the root of her feelings. End with a request that can be negotiated between the partners.

NVC 4 Steps

Here is one possible way for her to communicate using the four steps of NVC and a calm neutral tone: “I have NOTICED (step 1) that you tend to go to the gym after work and by the time you come home, the kids need to go to bed. I FEEL (step 2) a bit left alone when you come home late almost every night. I WOULD LIKE to (step 3) spend more family time with you and the kids. WOULD YOU BE WILLING (step 4) to come home earlier once or twice a week, so we can spend more time together?

Now, let’s not forget that he also has feelings and needs. How can we help him express his side of the situation?

He could for example say: “I FEEL (step 2) that I only have time after work to exercise. I NEED (step 3) to have some alone time. I also FEEL (step 2) unappreciated and taken for granted when I give my gym time in the morning up to take the kids to school. I really appreciate that you work full-time and run the kids to their after-school activities.” (He has recognized they both feel unappreciated and is giving her the appreciation they both need.) Step 4 is negotiating her request: “I am willing to come home early on Tuesdays and Thursdays if you can commit to taking them to school the next morning? I WOULD also sometimes LIKE to hear that you appreciate what I do.”

Now it is up to her to respond, to acknowledge what he does for the family and to perhaps make a concrete request to cook dinner once a week. If one of the partners is struggling to connect with their feelings and the needs underneath, the other one can help by asking, “I am wondering if you feel…?” or saying “Do you perhaps have a need for…?” and offering, “Let me know how I can help you get what you need.” Implementing a process like NVC takes patience and practice because most of us have never learned that our needs matter, how to connect with our more vulnerable feelings underneath our anger and to express our needs without blame or judgement.

To learn more about expressing our needs you can contact

Angelika for individual sessions or Shadow Energetics Workshops

905-286-9466 or

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

For 2016 workshop dates and locations go to Upcoming Workshops.

If you enjoy my posts, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

 

“I will not find you wrong”

At the end of the four day Shadow Energetics workshop, we all hold hands in the closing circle and share with a few words how we feel; gratitude, joy, peace, sadness for the weekend being over, and most of all unconditional love and acceptance are being expressed. The most magical moment for me always unfolds when we are playing the beautiful song “I Will Take Care of You” by Amy Sky: I can literally see into every person’s soul.

All the masks that we wear on a daily basis have come off after being together for four days. Everybody feels safe enough to let the other participants see their vulnerable, authentic self. Some people are really touched by the song. Some even cry, as I did when I first heard the lyrics and allowed its message to land inside my heart.

I will take care of you

The song tells the story of a baby being born and the mother taking care of her. It talks about the girl growing up to be a bride and her wedding vows being “I will take care of you”. It continues with the mother dying and the daughter taking care of her, and ends with another baby girl being born into this endless cycle of love and care. It expresses the longing we have in our closest relationships to feel safe, protected and taken care of. It is a song about our own inner child, that part inside us that needs nothing more but to feel safe and looked after.

As I look around the circle, there is no doubt in anybody’s face that we are one big family, in which you know with absolute certainty that you are accepted the way you are. The workshop reminded us of what we all know deep down to be true: We are one.

Incredibly blessed, deeply honoured and very much aware of the responsibility I hold as I am carrying forward the teachings of my friend and mentor, Darryl Gurney, I am once again reflecting on what it takes to get to this moment at the end of every single workshop. Teaching the Shadow Energetics Work is way beyond teaching techniques and even beyond providing the opportunity to all participants to make their own shifts and changes and do their own healing. The key to teaching this particular workshop lies in providing the experience of being unconditionally loved and accepted, truly feeling that we are enough exactly the way we are.

Darryl has many times shared what was the most intimate moment in his life, when he understood what allows people to heal. He was in a session with his Body Talk Teacher. Lying face up on the massage table something came up that made him feel defensive. His Body Talk Teacher gently put his hand on Darryl’s higher heart chakra, looked deeply into his eyes, and simply said “I will not find you wrong”.

I will not find you wrong img2

The experience of not being found wrong is deeply life changing. The courage of being able to be open and vulnerable is initiated and encouraged by the instructor, yet carried by every single participant. In all my years of taking different training and workshops, I have never come across a second person who so masterfully creates a safe space in which everybody is heard, seen and held. That Darryl has been able to do this over and over again is the result of many years of doing his own work, clearing out his own shadows and triggers and being conscious enough to know that the work never ends.

During the last workshop, a participant expressed surprise that Darryl himself muscle tested out a shadow and took part in a process I facilitated. She asked, “After all those years and all the work you have done, you still find shadows to integrate?” His response was an emphatic, “Yes, of course.”

He walks his talk. Darryl’s daily practice is to wake up in the morning and to work on his dream messages. Dreams show us what is going on in our subconscious mind and which beliefs we might want to change. In our family, we work on and with each other to clear out fears, limiting beliefs, emotions and integrate our shadows. Sometimes we say, “There is no time right now” and things are postponed and occasionally forgotten.

Doing your own work is about making choices and setting priorities. Often we wait until something is wrong, we are in pain, in a conflict or a relationship is endangered. What if we all healed our issues now, instead of waiting until we are seriously ill, or the other person we have a broken relationship with has died?

Having been entrusted with the Shadow Energetics workshops for the GTA, I have an extra incentive to continue my work on becoming clearer as a person, stronger as a teacher and more unconditionally loving in every way.

Please watch out for the Shadow Energetics Workshop Schedule for Early Spring 2015.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

If you enjoy my posts, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

The Shadow Side of Gratitude

When I casually asked my family a couple of days ago, “Any ideas for a Thanksgiving blog?” my daughter replied, “Only cheesy ones, about gratitude”.

Now, I don’t think that gratitude is cheesy at all. Gratitude has many benefits. It gives us an experience of joy and optimism, it strengthens our relationships and it actually improves our health. The better we feel about our life, the healthier our physical body is. However, the question is, how do we handle gratitude?

My grandmother who survived two world wars used to look at her grandchildren and say to us “You are so spoiled. You should be modest and grateful for everything you have.” I learned early on that being “ungrateful” is a terrible thing, a character flaw, something we need to hide and fight. Can you guess what happened?

It became one of my shadows. Each time when I felt disappointed about something and had the perspective of ungratefulness about an event, I felt really guilty and flawed. I felt like I had failed to be what one should be, which is always grateful.

shadow 1

And as it is the case with our shadows, one of the things which triggered me most as a parent were little children who showed up as “demanding” and “spoiled”. I remember vividly a little boy at my younger daughter’s birthday party, the forgotten sad middle child of three, who loudly and clearly expressed his dissatisfaction with his loot bag as opposed to his brother’s loot bag. Apparently, his brother’s loot bag had the items in exactly the colours he wanted.

Instead of being able to see what was going on for this little guy, that his life experience was being overshadowed by his only slightly younger brother and being able to feel compassion for him, I felt an inner anger rise about this entitlement and lack of gratitude. There was my grandmother all over again. I felt like saying to him, “You are so spoiled.” Obviously, I didn’t, but I could tell his father saw it in my face and heard it in my tone as I tried to respond with a calm I didn’t feel inside. All the little boy had done was mirror to me what I had learned to hate about myself.

I have thought about my grandmother and what she taught me to suppress—the feeling of dissatisfaction in this case—many times since. I’ve thought of birthdays growing up when I felt disappointment but smiled because one is supposed to be grateful for everything. Inside, I felt like a horrible ungrateful person. Somehow that feeling of “un-gratitude” grew more from year to year, and from birthday to birthday. Suppressing our shadows is like cutting off the heads of the Lernaean Hydra, the serpentine water monster from Greek and Roman mythology. When you cut one head off, she grows two. If you cut those two off, she grows four and so on. I had a multi-headed hydra in my life, waking up each October around my birthday with more and more heads.

It wasn’t until I was a mother buying natural fibred underwear for my first child and my grandmother repeated her sentence “You are so spoiled” that I realized, it wasn’t just a bad thing to be spoiled. Suddenly, I heard a different sub-text. I heard, “Who are you to think you or your child deserves the more expensive item? Who are you to think you are special?”

I didn’t know the answer back then but I know it today. Back then she managed to trigger the feeling of guilt for being so ungrateful and spoiled. Even though my rising anger inside told me there was something to do with this situation, I did not have the right answer because I did not really feel deserving. Today, I know I deserve whatever I decide I deserve. What can look like lack of gratitude to others can also be that you know what you want and you are able to treat yourself or your family to the best.

Louise Hay - I deserve

Fact is, we are all everything. Everything that exists in the world around us, in the macrocosm, also exists inside of us, in the microcosm. We are all grateful at times and ungrateful at others. Sometimes we see the light at the end of the tunnel or the gift something or someone is. Other times a nagging feeling of “this is not good enough” creeps in. That nagging feeling is not there to be judged and suppressed. It is a call to find a way to honour ourselves more—even if that means being judged by other people as ungrateful, spoiled or selfish.

Fifteen years ago, I started on my spiritual path. In spiritual circles it’s all about gratitude. And, as I mentioned above, gratitude is a fantastic perspective changer and key to happiness. Yet, let’s not forget to first honestly feel what is really there, acknowledge it, decide if it’s a call to do something and then, in the final step, shift to a different perspective—if we choose to.

Gratitude cannot be forced. Nobody has to be grateful, not on their birthday or Christmas or Thanksgiving. Those celebrations can bring out all sorts of emotions. Honour them. And when you are ready, feel free to try this thing called gratitude—not because we should all be grateful, but just because it might be fun to see what it’s like.

Angelika

Thanksgiving - Happy Thanksgiving

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