How About Love?

Five hundred twenty-five thousand

Six hundred minutes

How do you measure – measure a year?

In daylights – in sunsets

In midnights – in cups of coffee

In inches – in miles

In laughter – in strife

In – five hundred twenty-five thousand

Six hundred minutes

How do you measure

A year in the life

How about love?

(“Seasons Of Love” song from the musical “Rent”)

Love is a topic which occupies all of us. As a society, we are obsessed by it: books, movies, TV series, musicals, Valentine’s Day, talking with your girlfriend, seeing your therapist. Everything revolves around relationships and love. We long for it and we wonder how to “get love”. At the same time, there is hardly any other topic we have learned more myths about.

Science has revealed that love is vital to our existence. Love is a basic survival code for us as humans. Our brain is wired to read and respond to others. Feeling safe and loved by others makes us stronger. We all need the emotional and spiritual nourishment of human relationships. Human comfort is our natural remedy for fear, stress, and doubt. Rejection, abandonment and disconnection are cues for danger that plunge us into anxiety and cause us not just emotional but also physical pain.

“When your mind perceives the experience of love, it causes the brain to secrete neurochemicals, such as dopamine, oxytocin and growth hormone into the blood (…) you are generally healthier and more alive when you are in love (…) fear provokes the release of stress hormones and inflammatory agents such as cytokines into the blood (…)” (Bruce Lipton, The Honeymoon Effect)

Love is not something we “get” or “fall into” when we are lucky or happen to just be cute and lovable. Love is an energy to embrace; it is a consciousness. It doesn’t just happen to us. We are co-creating it based on our core beliefs about ourselves and the world. If we have learned that we are lovable and worthy of experiencing love and joy, it is easier to vibrate at the level of love. Love is an experience but it is an action first and foremost.


Dhebi DeWitz


Dhebi DeWitz

If you are going through life, waiting to feel love when you meet others, you have misunderstood the true essence of love. Love is a discipline; it requires us to personify love and to practice being loving with yourself and others.

In fact, an essential aspect is learning to unconditionally love ourselves. Many of us have been taught to give to others, to love others and to under no circumstances be so vain as to love ourselves. In Bruce Lipton’s workshops, 90% of people fail the muscle test “I love myself”. I can certainly confirm that from my own sessions. “I love and accept myself the way I am” is a belief most of us do not hold in our subconscious mind.

Instead, we hold back on truly loving ourselves until a certain condition is met. “I’ll love myself and my body when I have lost weight”, “I’ll love myself when I have reached my goals”, “I’ll love myself when somebody else truly loves me”. That conditioning completely misunderstands the true nature of love.

We exist as love. Children come into this world open, loving and unguarded, until they learn to protect themselves and guard their heart. Reconnecting with our true essence simply means reopening our heart to love. It means the end of loneliness and separation. Instead it fosters unity with others, with other people, with nature, with the source of life with all there is.


Dhebi De Witz


Dhebi De Witz

Self-Love is as misunderstood a term as love. Self-love isn’t just a verb. Self-Love is beyond taking care of yourself and doing things for yourself. Self-Love is knowing who you are and knowing you are made of love. Love is your original energy, your true essence.

How do you open your heart, you might wonder? How do you start loving yourself and others more? You create love by creating an atmosphere of love in your life. Seeing the beauty in yourself is as necessary as seeing the beauty in others. Your thoughts determine who and what you attract into your world. Allow yourself to see more of the joy and beauty of life that is surrounding you daily. Allow yourself to be at peace with what is, instead of criticizing and focusing on the lack in yourself and others.

You create this love by speaking kindly to the people you meet. You consciously look for the good and the positive in everyone. You tell people why you appreciate them. You listen from your heart to the words that others speak. You give yourself permission to be truly present with them. You build bridges to connect with others. By being loving—by being considerate in your thoughts, your words, and your actions—you are attracting more love into your life.

We are conditioned to believe that happiness and love comes only after we have found our ideal lover. This attitude limits our personal growth. Instead, decide to be truly happy right now, today. And because your sincere joy makes you more attractive, others find you lovable and want to be around you. Soon you begin to feel the joy, the lightness, and the laughter, that comes with love. You realize that love is more than a lover adoring us. Love is an open heart for everybody, including yourself. That kind of love is healing.

There are two basic human emotions. One is fear, the other is love. One cancels out the other. Fear impacts our ability to love. Love, on the other hand, heals all fear and chaos. Love is the solution to disease and pain, whether physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. Love is not just inside all of us. Love is the actual essence we fundamentally are. Therefore we are our own and other people’s healers. “Love is a healer because it undoes the basic problem of separation and also the basic fear of not being loveable. It restores our awareness of our Unconditional Self and our true nature. Love is, I believe, the solution to every problem.” (Robert Holden, Loveability)

Join Dhebi DeWitz and myself for another

FREE webinar on

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

at 5:00 p.m. PST or 8:00 p.m. EST.

TOPIC “Love”

E-mail either one of us to receive the link to join us live. You can also send us questions on the topic “Love” prior to Feb. 8.


Watch Dhebi DeWitz beautiful video Love is your true nature

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Childhood Messages

Most childhoods are full of mixed messages about love. Most parents and care-givers did not and still do not know how to truly love themselves unconditionally. How can they teach the next generation about unconditional love? Instead we learn “I am loved if/when…”

It is an elemental need for everybody to be loved. Therefore, it becomes our task as children to “crack the code” to this love which is conditional, to figure out who we need to be for others to like and love us. The rules of conditional love vary from person to person. Maybe our mother loves us when we are helpful, our grandmother give us attention when we smile a lot, our father loves us when we excel in school, our friends like us best when we agree with them and our teacher rewards us for neatness. So we become little actors, take on different roles. Those roles are not a conscious choice. We step into them to have our most basic need to be loved met.

Different authors, like John Gray and Carolyn Myss, have come up with different groups of childhood roles. None of these lists are complete, they are examples of how we respond to conditional love. Instead of being our authentic selves, we create a persona which we hope will be accepted and result in attention and love. Sometimes we feel we cannot get positive attention. In those cases—as every teacher knows—negative attention is better than none.

Robert Holden describes the following seven roles in his book “Loveability”: The good child, the helper, the star, the happy child, the melancholy child, the independent child, the rebel, the genius, and the peaceful child.


childhood messages - good child

He or she believes “I am lovable when I am good”. This child behaves like a good little adult, neat and tidy, is never a bother. As an adult, this person shows up as the “good friend/partner/parent/employee”. Having a free choice to be “good” is one thing. Feeling you need outside approval and you always have to behave in a way which is deemed as “good” by others is extremely limiting.


childhood messages - helping child (angel)

The helping child believes they will be loved when they are a little nurse, angel or therapist. This child might grow up to be an adult who always feels the need to help others but never be helped. He or she might have a hard time receiving and might end up with partners and friends who constantly need to be rescued or helped.


childhood messages - star child

Life for the star child is all about winning the “Oscar” for being outstanding, for being the best. Excellence is a virtue to strive for but the star child feels he or she is only lovable when they are the best version of themselves in any given moment and not for being the authentic self. As adults, star children feel they have to be the model partner, best parent, or most outstanding in their career.


childhood messages - happy child

The happy child is convinced they are more lovable when they are happy. He or she is always cheerful and positive, always “A-OK”, never angry, never sad, never worried. As an adult, the happy child is still worried that her emotions—other than happiness—will drive others away.


childhood messages - melancholy child

This child is exactly the opposite of the happy child. He or she believes they are loved more when they are unhappy. Melancholy, crying, and withdrawing gets him or her the attention we all need. As an adult, the melancholic person is still afraid to be happy, fearing they won’t get any attention.



The independent child puts on an act of strength and bravery. He or she believes “If I am independent, I don’t need anybody else and cannot be hurt or disappointed”. Being fiercely independent as an adult prevents us from true intimacy and closeness. Only if we open up to the fact that we all depend on others, can we experience letting ourselves be loved and cared for.


childhood messages - rebel child

The rebel or difficult child believes they are unlovable anyways and cannot win. They are a typical example that negative attention still feels better than no attention. At least we don’t feel invisible. That attitude causes life-long problems in all areas. In relationships, the rebel attracts drama, fights, tragedy as that is how they see themselves.

The rebel might in some cases become the black sheep of the family who carries everybody’s shadow.


childhood messages - genius child

Being competent and brilliant at something is the genius child’s way to love and attention. Similar to the star child, only the highest achievement, often of academic nature, will do. The genius believes they are loved for their brilliance not for who they truly are.


Peaceful place

This child does whatever he or she can to keep the peace and to not rock the boat. Striving for harmony and oneness in relationships is great but the peaceful child will grow up to be an adult who leaves their own needs completely out of the equation just to preserve a resemblance of union.

Have you recognized yourself in one or more of these roles?

What about your own children?

As we are learning to love ourselves more and more and to love our children truly unconditional, we all need to be less and less of an actor and can become more whole, more authentic, more true to our essential nature.

Relationship Coaching and Conscious Parenting



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Every Relationship is a Mirror

Every relationship in our life is a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. When we take a closer look, we realize that everybody is a mirror in some way.

One of my favourite philosophers when I was studying philosophy in school was Immanuel Kant. I loved his fabulously clear and simple Categorical Imperative, which guides us on how to treat others: “Act only according to that maxim by which you can at the same time want that it should become a universal law.”

Yet, why is it so challenging sometimes to treat people like we want to be treated, with loving kindness and understanding? Why do we judge others? Why do other people trigger us?

Kant also said, “Wir sehen die Dinge nicht, wie sie sind, sondern wie wir sind,” which translates into, “We see things not as they are but as we are.”

What we see in other people is how we are. These mirrors show up in several different ways. James Gilliland summarizes the Seven Essene Mirrors as follows:

  1. Somebody reflects for us what we are but might not realize that we are. Children are beautiful mirrors. Ask yourself what you notice in your children. Are they showing you something that you are?
  2. Somebody reflects for us what we judge. We have disowned that particular characteristic and are denying that we could ever be that way. There is a strong emotional charge connected to that particular behaviour or trait. Are you harshly judging others as “selfish”, for example? Is taking care of yourself or your own needs possibly something you never allow yourself to do?
  3. Somebody reflects back to us what we have lost in some way, for example our playfulness.
  4. Somebody reflects to us “our most forgotten love”, which could, for example, be a way of life or a relationship.
  5. Somebody reflects our mother or father to us.
  6. Somebody reflects our greatest challenges or fears to us.
  7. Somebody reflects our self-perception. The other person treats us exactly how we perceive ourselves. For example, if I don’t truly respect myself it will show up by others not respecting me.

People reflect to us what we think and fear, and most importantly, how much we love ourselves.

“When we meet each other we also meet ourselves. This is the Mirror Principle that operates in every one of our relationships. And because we always meet ourselves, we also can observe that in every relationship, and even every interaction—at the most basic level—there are only two things really happening. Either we are extending the basic truth ‘I am lovable’ or projecting the basic fear ‘I am not lovable’” (Robert Holden, Loveability, 126/127)

When we lose sight of the truth that we are lovable just for ourselves, we project that fear onto others. Without that essential feeling of loving ourselves, we cannot live successful relationships. Self-love turns our romantic partnerships into truly fulfilling relationships of loving each other unconditional. Self-love is the basis for parents to love their children without conditions, without endless sacrifice or guilt. Self-love is needed to give to people without neglecting ourselves. Self-love guarantees that we truly give from the heart without ulterior motives.

If you want to learn more about mirrors and our shadow, sign up for Darryl Gurney’s four day SHADOW ENERGETICS WORKSHOP from Sept. 25-28.

Love is Not a Bargain

Have you ever asked yourself what love truly is?

In his book “Loveability,” Robert Holden answers this question quite eloquently. First, he reminds us of everything love is not:

Love is not an act. Love is being able to be our real selves.

Love is not idolatry. Love can only exist between equals.

Love is not special. You can have an exclusive agreement in a particular relationship, for example to be monogamous, but you can only love somebody as much as you are willing to be a loving person and love everyone.

Love is not selfish. “To love is… to will the good of another.” (Thomas Aquinas). True love is unconditional. It is not about what we want from somebody else but about what we want for them.

And last but not least, love is not a bargain.

This seems to be the one principle we most need reminding of. It is so common in our day and age to talk about giving and receiving in relationships and how there needs to be an equal balance as if we are talking about deposits and withdraws from a bank account. Instead of giving freely and without expectations, we tend to ask, “How much love am I getting out of this relationship”?

I am not saying we should not be honest with ourselves regarding whether a relationship works for us and if our needs and wants are met. If they are not met, we need to find a way to express them clearly and lovingly and make sure we are meeting our needs.

However, if we approach a love relationship with the question, “Am I getting as much love out of it as I am investing into it,” we have already signed the death sentence for that relationship. Ultimately, both partners will end up dissatisfied about giving too much love or not getting enough love. Giving conditionally is not love. Love is not a thing to give away. It is a way of being.

At one point in my life, I dated a gentleman who kept a careful tally. One of his favourite expressions was “I did this or that for you, and I am disappointed/hurt/unhappy that you haven’t done this or that for me in return.” As you can imagine, I didn’t stay in that relationship very long. His inability to give freely sadly killed any joy of giving on my part as well. I felt myself turning into a tally-keeper myself. I started giving grudgingly instead of giving out of love and joy and then letting it go, trusting that from somewhere in the Universe, the energy of giving would return at some point.

Love is not for sale or exchange. It does not cost us anything to give love because giving love is really just being loving. From that place of being loving, we feel like giving a favour, a service, a compliment, a gift, physical touch or our time without expecting anything in return. The joy lies in the loving and giving itself.

Even after all this time,

The sun never says to the earth:

“You owe me!”

Look what happens with

A love like that!

It lights the whole sky!

– Hafiz



Life and Belief Change Coaching


Imagine This

“Imagine this. One day, our children will learn about love at school. They will take classes in love and self-esteem, explore the meaning of “I love you,” learn to listen to their hearts, and be encouraged to follow their joy. It will be normal for parents to help their children learn how to love and be loved.” (Robert Holden, Loveability)

For a couple of weeks, I have contemplated which subject to choose for my 100th blog. I wanted it to be a topic which is close to my heart and which is meaningful to lots of people. My choice fell on “Love”.

Is there anything more ever-present than love? By that I certainly don’t just mean romantic love, which is only one expression of love. I mean the heart energy in which we are ideally centred and which we are able to send out to others. I mean the vibration which we need in order to feel safe, grow and flourish.

Evolutionary psychology tells us that love is an essential growth element for cells. Love influences our DNA, helps to build our brain and develop our nervous system.

“… the urge to love and be loved is our primary desire. Love is as important to us as air, water, and food… The more you love and also let yourself be loved, the more alive you feel… Love feeds all our basic desires, including our desire to be connected, to be known, to be safe, to be happy, to be successful, and to be free.” (Robert Holden, Loveability, p. 20/21)

Babies are born embodying the basic truth that we are all lovable. When they grow up and take on the conditioning of our society, we teach them limiting stories about love and about themselves. Stories of how elusive love is, or how difficult to find or keep, or how unworthy of unconditional love they are. As we grow up we literally forget that we are perfect and completely lovable the way we are! We unlearn that we are lovable without conditions, without comparisons, without judgments, without attachments, without needing to “do” anything to be loved. We desperately strive to be “good enough” and hope somebody will love us if we just try hard enough to be “right” and look long enough to find “the One” who can accept us the way we are.

I so often have clients, female and male alike, who are on a quest to find love, to find the perfect romantic partner. However, when we are looking for love, the looking is exactly what is blocking us from finding it. We have to become what we are looking for. “… like attracts like, and if you know that you are love, you’ll feel comfortable about attracting love into your life.” (Robert Holden, Loveability, p. 3)

What does that mean? It means to be a more loving person, to start loving everyone more, to literally step into the energy of love and be love. When you embody love you can’t help but attract more love into your life.

Robert Holden has created a new word by speaking of “Loveability,” a word which might one day be found in a dictionary. He is talking about the ability to love and be loved.

Love is an inner journey. “The goal of this journey is not to find love; it is to know love.” (Robert Holden, Loveability, p. 5) When we feel truly lovable, we are able to love others unconditionally and be loved in the same way. Our capacity to love others influences how much we can love but also how much we let ourselves be loved by others. It determines if we trust love and let love in with an open heart.

I invite you to explore the meaning of those three little words “I love you”. When you say this to your partner, your children, your parents, your siblings or friends, notice what you mean in each moment.

When doing this little exercise I came up with many different meanings. Sometimes I say “I love you” and I mean “I am so grateful to have you in my life” or “I trust you” or “I accept you without judgements” or “I am attracted to you” or “I support you and am here for you” or “I see you with all your strengths and weaknesses” or “I am so proud of you” or “My heart flows over” or “I feel safe with you” or… the list is almost endless. We express so much in our love relationships. We express how much we love ourselves and how unconditionally we are able to love others.

Here is an opportunity to explore your own loveability by understanding mirrors and embracing your shadow sides:

Shadow Energetics Workshop with Darryl Gurney, Sept. 25-28.