Wabi Sabi Love

“You seem to have it all so together,” somebody said to me last week. Interesting perception, I thought, because I certainly don’t. “You seem to have such a close relationship with your children while other people struggle with their teenagers, and you have such nice family traditions, and in general such positive relationships and your business is going so well. How do you do that?” she continued.

Ever since that conversation, I have been puzzled as to why somebody might have that perception. Are all relationships in my life perfect? Of course not. Some relationships can certainly still be improved. And those that are healthy and loving relationships are the result of years and years of work. Relationships want to be built and then maintained by spending quality time together and having open and honest conversations. I had to examine how my parents parented and change what didn’t work for me.

The second thing which probably creates the impression that everything is rosy is that I usually choose to focus on the positive. In every given moment, we have the choice to focus on everything that is not perfect or unsatisfactory, or we can choose to love what is. Do my daughters and I have disagreements? Of course. We talk about it, we express our feelings and move on. Is my father the perfect father and grandfather? Of course not, but he loves us in the way he can. Does my partner always do what I would like him to do? Of course not. In fact, he does many things I would do completely differently. I could constantly focus on what I don’t like, or I can choose to focus on what I do like. It is after all not my job to change him or any other family member! It is my job to love the people in my life the way they are.

Arielle Ford describes in her book Wabi Sabi Love how to accept, embrace and love imperfection: your own and your partner’s. She shows that how we choose to see things informs the way they appear for us: “The human mind can be a fault-finding machine uniquely equipped to focus with laserlike precision on the few things that are lacking, rather than on the bigger picture of all that we have in abundance.” (Arielle Ford)

Wabi Sabi - vase

She teaches in her book to love and value imperfection, based on an Ancient tradition called Wabi Sabi. In the world of Wabi Sabi, a broken vase with a crack, for example, is way more valuable than it was when it was not cracked.

Arielle Ford relates this ancient art form to love and to our relationships. Wabi Sabi love is grounded in acceptance. “It’s the practice of accepting the flaws, imperfections, and limitations—as well as the gifts and the blessings—that form your shared history as a couple.” (Arielle Ford)

In chapter 3, Arielle Ford describes a man who used to be challenged with accepting the emotional and mental state of his partner. The husband worked from home and the wife in a busy office. Frequently, she would come home in a tizzy, stressed out, tired, grumpy and in need for some TLC. Her husband’s righteous reply used to be, “didn’t you meditate today?” At that point, she would get even more angry and they would end up in a fight.

What was really going on underneath? He couldn’t stand her upset energy and tried to fix her rather than embracing her, accepting her present state of mind and allowing her to find her own centre. They learned to handle this situation differently with Wabi Sabi Love. Instead of making his wife feel inadequate, the husband now understands that she just wants to be heard. If he reverts back to the lecturing voice that wants to point out the stress-reductive effects of meditations, she does not get more upset like she used to. They now have a code to signal to each other that old ineffective behaviours have surfaced.

Wabi Sabi Love means “exploring, embracing, and actually falling in love with the cracks in each other and ourselves.” (Arielle Ford) It’s not an easy practice. I certainly need my reminders to love more and more the Wabi Sabi kind of way but I invite you to try this: Start loving your own imperfections and mistakes and apply the same to the people in your life. Love yourself with all your emotions and challenges. Love your partner, your children and your parents for who (s)he is/are and not for who you hope (s)he will be one day.

Wabi Sabi Love - there is a crack

The comment which was made to me also brought up another interesting question for me. In how far do we—especially as women—hold back from showing our happiness and success to others? How often do we pretend to be smaller than we are so that other people don’t feel jealous or envious or bad about themselves? How often do we use complaining to bond with other women because we focus on perfection instead of loving life’s imperfections?

Do we serve anybody by making ourselves smaller and less happy? We neither serve ourselves, nor others. Instead, we influence our own experience. We are willing to feel less satisfied and happy in a given moment to commiserate with somebody else. We choose to feel like a victim rather than like a manifestor of our reality. We are also not encouraging others to shine their full light brightly.

Wabi Sabi Love - M. Williamson quote

Don’t be afraid to be happy and shine your light. What other people think cannot change how you feel unless you allow it to. Choose your friends wisely but remember no jealousy or envy can affect you if you come from a loving heart wishing the best for everybody.

“Because others cannot vibrate in your experience, they cannot affect the outcome of your experience. They can hold their opinions, but unless their opinion affects your opinion, their opinion matters not at all. A million people could be pushing against you, and it would not negatively affect you unless you push back. They are affecting what happens in their experience. They are affecting their point of attraction—but it does not affect you unless you push against them.”


I know an amazing woman who is conscious, beautiful and smart. She has done her own work and has found the perfect man. He is patient, sensitive and in tune with her. He treats her with loving respect and has a lot in common with her. They have the same values and goals in life. They can openly talk about everything and he understands. He is in many ways the proverbial knight in shining armour. She has done lots of consciousness work and deserves this amazing relationship like nobody else I know. Yet, other women are looking at her happiness and are saying, “Yes, he is a great guy but he is younger than you…” This man is the dream come true in so many ways that the age difference is the only “flaw” they can find to criticize. Why can they not just be happy for her? Is there a part in us that struggles to allow others to be completely happy or successful?

Can we truly be happy for a girlfriend who has great success in business or is just getting married to an amazing man? Can we be truly happy for our sister who has improved her relationship with her children and is getting a promotion at work? Or do we allow those successes of others to trigger our own insecurities?

EVERYBODY struggles with something! There is no person on this planet who has it all together. How can we support each other to focus more on the good and to step into our own power? Instead of being happy to see another woman fail, let’s be happy for each other when we have succeeded at something. There is enough abundance, love and happiness around for everybody to have.

Spread Your Good Energy


Relationship Coaching


If you are enjoying my posts you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the follow button in the right hand corner of your screen.

It’s Too Hot – Loving What Is

The thermometer in my car shows 34˚C. As I get out of the air conditioned interior, a wall of humid heat hits me. It feels like 40˚C. “Phew,” escapes my mouth and my eyes meet the eyes of the young man getting out of his car next to me on the parking lot of the grocery store.

“It’s one of those days,” he replies. Then he adds, “But in only three months, we’ll be complaining about the cold again! As Canadians, we are never happy with the weather. It’s too cold in the winter and too hot in the summer!”

He is absolutely right. We do this all the time. We focus on what we do not like and complain about it. We ignore all the wonderful things about summer—or winter for that matter—and focus in on the one thing we do not like.

What prevents us from loving the heat? Most of us have AC in our houses, cars, work places and in all the stores. What is all that complaining about?

We have a free choice to hate something, or to like something.

Last night, I was taking my daughter and her boyfriend to see a theatre show in Stratford. Originally, this was supposed to be a trip with two adults sharing the drive, but things changed. Yesterday morning I realized, I was focusing on the two hour drive home in the dark—which I don’t particularly like—instead of looking forward to the show.

What could have prevented me from enjoying the evening? Nobody has the power to do that but me. My choice to focus on the part of the experience that I do not like, instead of looking forward to spending time with two bright young people who love theatre at least as much as I do, if not more. Once I realized the choice is mine, I had a fabulous evening.

We do this all the time. We choose to focus on what is lacking when it comes to a situation, ourselves, or—worst of all—the people in our life.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. She was completely focusing on the “wrong” eating choices her grownup daughter makes, and on the weight her daughter has put on. By choosing to get all caught up in that displeasure and judgement, she was missing what an amazing young woman her daughter is, how beautiful and smart.

What prevents her from refocusing? What holds her back from trusting her daughter to figure out her overeating?

The same friend does not love her own body. So we can assume that the daughter is mirroring shadow sides to her. In regards to her own body, she also chooses to focus on “flaws”, her “big” tummy, the part of her body that she absolutely does not like. She focuses so much on how ugly that part of her body is, that she feels she is unable to lose weight in that area.

What prevents her from loving her tummy? What is in the way of feeling beautiful and accepting her body the way it is?

From a place of love, she will be able to easily shift her weight. However, it begins with getting rid of old limiting beliefs about her body and opening up to loving and accepting ourselves – or our loved ones, or the situations in our life – just the way they are.

It all starts with Loving What Is.


For a free consultation on shifting your subconscious beliefs with Psych-K®, or Hypnosis, or Coaching contact me