Unity Consciousness

If you leave a print of your five fingers on a glass or a mirror, you see five separate dots. On the level of the glass, your fingers appear to be completely unattached to each other. However, on the higher level of our three-dimensional perception, we can see that all five fingers are connected to the same hand

Hand on Glass 1

That we are all separate and alone and that we have to fend for ourselves is a huge illusion. Just in the same way those five dots were made by one hand, we are all connected and part of the same living system. We breathe, live and thrive as one. If we hurt part of the system, we are hurting ourselves.

“Feelings of separation that result from the feared inability to love or to be loved frequently bring illness into our lives. Illness is often a cry for help, a call for love and a deeper sense of connectedness in one’s life.” (Leonard Laskow)

The mentality of “me/us versus them” is the root of fear, anger, violence and disease. The feeling of separation, of being alone, unsupported and unloved breeds Illness. It has been scientifically proven that frustration, anger and fear weaken our immune system. If you are angry at somebody, you are energetically hooked to that person, giving your power away and allowing your emotional, mental and physical wellness to be compromised. You might as well be drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

“When the illusion of separation dissolves at a spiritual level, love allows us a state of oneness that harmonizes even the seemingly dissonant patterns of illness and injury.” (Leonard Laskow)

If we do our own physical, mental and emotional work, including forgiving and letting the past go, we can heal anything. An important part of that healing is to develop our loveability, our ability to love ourselves and others. When we exchange the “I” in I-llness with a “We”, the result is We-llness; wellness for all. Love is the impulse towards unity. Through Love and connectedness, we can heal and become whole again. We can experience our oneness, our universal relatedness.

That Healing Love is not a romantic love; it is far beyond that experience. It is an unconditional, all-accepting love for everybody. It is a love free of judgments, without expectations or conditions. It is a love which does not need to be earned or learned, it just needs to be stepped into, expressed and received. When we tap into true heart-centredness, into loving ourselves and others, we establish a link between us and everybody else. Fear completely dissipates.

BWWE

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You can listen to the Being State Meditation to experience a sense of unity and being all one right now.

Angelika Baum

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

Childhood Messages

Most childhoods are full of mixed messages about love. Most parents and care-givers did not and still do not know how to truly love themselves unconditionally. How can they teach the next generation about unconditional love? Instead we learn “I am loved if/when…”

It is an elemental need for everybody to be loved. Therefore, it becomes our task as children to “crack the code” to this love which is conditional, to figure out who we need to be for others to like and love us. The rules of conditional love vary from person to person. Maybe our mother loves us when we are helpful, our grandmother give us attention when we smile a lot, our father loves us when we excel in school, our friends like us best when we agree with them and our teacher rewards us for neatness. So we become little actors, take on different roles. Those roles are not a conscious choice. We step into them to have our most basic need to be loved met.

Different authors, like John Gray and Carolyn Myss, have come up with different groups of childhood roles. None of these lists are complete, they are examples of how we respond to conditional love. Instead of being our authentic selves, we create a persona which we hope will be accepted and result in attention and love. Sometimes we feel we cannot get positive attention. In those cases—as every teacher knows—negative attention is better than none.

Robert Holden describes the following seven roles in his book “Loveability”: The good child, the helper, the star, the happy child, the melancholy child, the independent child, the rebel, the genius, and the peaceful child.


THE GOOD CHILD

childhood messages - good child

He or she believes “I am lovable when I am good”. This child behaves like a good little adult, neat and tidy, is never a bother. As an adult, this person shows up as the “good friend/partner/parent/employee”. Having a free choice to be “good” is one thing. Feeling you need outside approval and you always have to behave in a way which is deemed as “good” by others is extremely limiting.


THE HELPING CHILD

childhood messages - helping child (angel)

The helping child believes they will be loved when they are a little nurse, angel or therapist. This child might grow up to be an adult who always feels the need to help others but never be helped. He or she might have a hard time receiving and might end up with partners and friends who constantly need to be rescued or helped.


THE STAR CHILD

childhood messages - star child

Life for the star child is all about winning the “Oscar” for being outstanding, for being the best. Excellence is a virtue to strive for but the star child feels he or she is only lovable when they are the best version of themselves in any given moment and not for being the authentic self. As adults, star children feel they have to be the model partner, best parent, or most outstanding in their career.


THE HAPPY CHILD

childhood messages - happy child

The happy child is convinced they are more lovable when they are happy. He or she is always cheerful and positive, always “A-OK”, never angry, never sad, never worried. As an adult, the happy child is still worried that her emotions—other than happiness—will drive others away.


THE MELANCHOLY CHILD

childhood messages - melancholy child

This child is exactly the opposite of the happy child. He or she believes they are loved more when they are unhappy. Melancholy, crying, and withdrawing gets him or her the attention we all need. As an adult, the melancholic person is still afraid to be happy, fearing they won’t get any attention.


THE INDEPENDENT CHILD

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The independent child puts on an act of strength and bravery. He or she believes “If I am independent, I don’t need anybody else and cannot be hurt or disappointed”. Being fiercely independent as an adult prevents us from true intimacy and closeness. Only if we open up to the fact that we all depend on others, can we experience letting ourselves be loved and cared for.


THE REBEL CHILD

childhood messages - rebel child

The rebel or difficult child believes they are unlovable anyways and cannot win. They are a typical example that negative attention still feels better than no attention. At least we don’t feel invisible. That attitude causes life-long problems in all areas. In relationships, the rebel attracts drama, fights, tragedy as that is how they see themselves.

The rebel might in some cases become the black sheep of the family who carries everybody’s shadow.


THE GENIUS CHILD

childhood messages - genius child

Being competent and brilliant at something is the genius child’s way to love and attention. Similar to the star child, only the highest achievement, often of academic nature, will do. The genius believes they are loved for their brilliance not for who they truly are.


THE PEACEFUL CHILD

Peaceful place

This child does whatever he or she can to keep the peace and to not rock the boat. Striving for harmony and oneness in relationships is great but the peaceful child will grow up to be an adult who leaves their own needs completely out of the equation just to preserve a resemblance of union.


Have you recognized yourself in one or more of these roles?

What about your own children?

As we are learning to love ourselves more and more and to love our children truly unconditional, we all need to be less and less of an actor and can become more whole, more authentic, more true to our essential nature.

Relationship Coaching and Conscious Parenting

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

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Every Relationship is a Mirror

Every relationship in our life is a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. When we take a closer look, we realize that everybody is a mirror in some way.

One of my favourite philosophers when I was studying philosophy in school was Immanuel Kant. I loved his fabulously clear and simple Categorical Imperative, which guides us on how to treat others: “Act only according to that maxim by which you can at the same time want that it should become a universal law.”

Yet, why is it so challenging sometimes to treat people like we want to be treated, with loving kindness and understanding? Why do we judge others? Why do other people trigger us?

Kant also said, “Wir sehen die Dinge nicht, wie sie sind, sondern wie wir sind,” which translates into, “We see things not as they are but as we are.”

What we see in other people is how we are. These mirrors show up in several different ways. James Gilliland summarizes the Seven Essene Mirrors as follows:

  1. Somebody reflects for us what we are but might not realize that we are. Children are beautiful mirrors. Ask yourself what you notice in your children. Are they showing you something that you are?
  2. Somebody reflects for us what we judge. We have disowned that particular characteristic and are denying that we could ever be that way. There is a strong emotional charge connected to that particular behaviour or trait. Are you harshly judging others as “selfish”, for example? Is taking care of yourself or your own needs possibly something you never allow yourself to do?
  3. Somebody reflects back to us what we have lost in some way, for example our playfulness.
  4. Somebody reflects to us “our most forgotten love”, which could, for example, be a way of life or a relationship.
  5. Somebody reflects our mother or father to us.
  6. Somebody reflects our greatest challenges or fears to us.
  7. Somebody reflects our self-perception. The other person treats us exactly how we perceive ourselves. For example, if I don’t truly respect myself it will show up by others not respecting me.

People reflect to us what we think and fear, and most importantly, how much we love ourselves.

“When we meet each other we also meet ourselves. This is the Mirror Principle that operates in every one of our relationships. And because we always meet ourselves, we also can observe that in every relationship, and even every interaction—at the most basic level—there are only two things really happening. Either we are extending the basic truth ‘I am lovable’ or projecting the basic fear ‘I am not lovable’” (Robert Holden, Loveability, 126/127)

When we lose sight of the truth that we are lovable just for ourselves, we project that fear onto others. Without that essential feeling of loving ourselves, we cannot live successful relationships. Self-love turns our romantic partnerships into truly fulfilling relationships of loving each other unconditional. Self-love is the basis for parents to love their children without conditions, without endless sacrifice or guilt. Self-love is needed to give to people without neglecting ourselves. Self-love guarantees that we truly give from the heart without ulterior motives.

If you want to learn more about mirrors and our shadow, sign up for Darryl Gurney’s four day SHADOW ENERGETICS WORKSHOP from Sept. 25-28.

Love is Not a Bargain

Have you ever asked yourself what love truly is?

In his book “Loveability,” Robert Holden answers this question quite eloquently. First, he reminds us of everything love is not:

Love is not an act. Love is being able to be our real selves.

Love is not idolatry. Love can only exist between equals.

Love is not special. You can have an exclusive agreement in a particular relationship, for example to be monogamous, but you can only love somebody as much as you are willing to be a loving person and love everyone.

Love is not selfish. “To love is… to will the good of another.” (Thomas Aquinas). True love is unconditional. It is not about what we want from somebody else but about what we want for them.

And last but not least, love is not a bargain.

This seems to be the one principle we most need reminding of. It is so common in our day and age to talk about giving and receiving in relationships and how there needs to be an equal balance as if we are talking about deposits and withdraws from a bank account. Instead of giving freely and without expectations, we tend to ask, “How much love am I getting out of this relationship”?

I am not saying we should not be honest with ourselves regarding whether a relationship works for us and if our needs and wants are met. If they are not met, we need to find a way to express them clearly and lovingly and make sure we are meeting our needs.

However, if we approach a love relationship with the question, “Am I getting as much love out of it as I am investing into it,” we have already signed the death sentence for that relationship. Ultimately, both partners will end up dissatisfied about giving too much love or not getting enough love. Giving conditionally is not love. Love is not a thing to give away. It is a way of being.

At one point in my life, I dated a gentleman who kept a careful tally. One of his favourite expressions was “I did this or that for you, and I am disappointed/hurt/unhappy that you haven’t done this or that for me in return.” As you can imagine, I didn’t stay in that relationship very long. His inability to give freely sadly killed any joy of giving on my part as well. I felt myself turning into a tally-keeper myself. I started giving grudgingly instead of giving out of love and joy and then letting it go, trusting that from somewhere in the Universe, the energy of giving would return at some point.

Love is not for sale or exchange. It does not cost us anything to give love because giving love is really just being loving. From that place of being loving, we feel like giving a favour, a service, a compliment, a gift, physical touch or our time without expecting anything in return. The joy lies in the loving and giving itself.

Even after all this time,

The sun never says to the earth:

“You owe me!”

Look what happens with

A love like that!

It lights the whole sky!

– Hafiz

IMAG1076

Angelika

Life and Belief Change Coaching

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Making Somebody Feel Unloved

Have you ever made somebody else feel unloved because you felt like a failure and pretty much unloved yourself?

I have. In fact, just a week ago I made one of my children feel really unloved. My daughter lied to me, or rather, avoided telling me something she should have told me. I felt that I had spent a couple of years when she was little teaching her that she won’t get into trouble if she tells me the truth right away. I thought we had made it through a phase of lying and to a place of trust.

Here was the Universe testing me. I have to admit I failed. When I realized the extent and consequences of her avoiding to approach me with a problem, I went into a place of feeling really disappointed. I allowed myself to feel like I failed to teach my daughter that she can trust me. I felt very angry, mad at her but even more so at myself for having trusted her. The Ego stories had a hay day, just because I allowed myself to go into a place of feeling “not enough”.

From that place of feeling unloved I responded, making her feel unloved in return. My words were hurtful and sharp. I did exactly what she was expecting and why she hadn’t approached me to begin with. I stepped into a power self of anger and into being the authoritarian parent. I told her I would from now on be “on top of her” and check up on her.

When my anger had subsided and I realized what had happened, I had to go back and make amends. I explained my understanding of triggering each other’s feelings of being unlovable. I apologized for making her feel unloved. She still has to carry the consequences of her avoidance and exactly that will be her learning to make a different choice next time. However, there was no reason for me to take her lie as a personal attack and create an atmosphere of unloveability.

I also set a new intention to trust her again. I promised myself to respond with loving kindness and understanding should she again choose avoidance over being proactive and telling the truth. Because trust cannot be born out of mistrust; feeling lovable cannot be born out of feeling unlovable, and lying is the result of not feeling safe in the love of the other person.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Imagine This

“Imagine this. One day, our children will learn about love at school. They will take classes in love and self-esteem, explore the meaning of “I love you,” learn to listen to their hearts, and be encouraged to follow their joy. It will be normal for parents to help their children learn how to love and be loved.” (Robert Holden, Loveability)

For a couple of weeks, I have contemplated which subject to choose for my 100th blog. I wanted it to be a topic which is close to my heart and which is meaningful to lots of people. My choice fell on “Love”.

Is there anything more ever-present than love? By that I certainly don’t just mean romantic love, which is only one expression of love. I mean the heart energy in which we are ideally centred and which we are able to send out to others. I mean the vibration which we need in order to feel safe, grow and flourish.

Evolutionary psychology tells us that love is an essential growth element for cells. Love influences our DNA, helps to build our brain and develop our nervous system.

“… the urge to love and be loved is our primary desire. Love is as important to us as air, water, and food… The more you love and also let yourself be loved, the more alive you feel… Love feeds all our basic desires, including our desire to be connected, to be known, to be safe, to be happy, to be successful, and to be free.” (Robert Holden, Loveability, p. 20/21)

Babies are born embodying the basic truth that we are all lovable. When they grow up and take on the conditioning of our society, we teach them limiting stories about love and about themselves. Stories of how elusive love is, or how difficult to find or keep, or how unworthy of unconditional love they are. As we grow up we literally forget that we are perfect and completely lovable the way we are! We unlearn that we are lovable without conditions, without comparisons, without judgments, without attachments, without needing to “do” anything to be loved. We desperately strive to be “good enough” and hope somebody will love us if we just try hard enough to be “right” and look long enough to find “the One” who can accept us the way we are.

I so often have clients, female and male alike, who are on a quest to find love, to find the perfect romantic partner. However, when we are looking for love, the looking is exactly what is blocking us from finding it. We have to become what we are looking for. “… like attracts like, and if you know that you are love, you’ll feel comfortable about attracting love into your life.” (Robert Holden, Loveability, p. 3)

What does that mean? It means to be a more loving person, to start loving everyone more, to literally step into the energy of love and be love. When you embody love you can’t help but attract more love into your life.

Robert Holden has created a new word by speaking of “Loveability,” a word which might one day be found in a dictionary. He is talking about the ability to love and be loved.

Love is an inner journey. “The goal of this journey is not to find love; it is to know love.” (Robert Holden, Loveability, p. 5) When we feel truly lovable, we are able to love others unconditionally and be loved in the same way. Our capacity to love others influences how much we can love but also how much we let ourselves be loved by others. It determines if we trust love and let love in with an open heart.

I invite you to explore the meaning of those three little words “I love you”. When you say this to your partner, your children, your parents, your siblings or friends, notice what you mean in each moment.

When doing this little exercise I came up with many different meanings. Sometimes I say “I love you” and I mean “I am so grateful to have you in my life” or “I trust you” or “I accept you without judgements” or “I am attracted to you” or “I support you and am here for you” or “I see you with all your strengths and weaknesses” or “I am so proud of you” or “My heart flows over” or “I feel safe with you” or… the list is almost endless. We express so much in our love relationships. We express how much we love ourselves and how unconditionally we are able to love others.

Here is an opportunity to explore your own loveability by understanding mirrors and embracing your shadow sides:

Shadow Energetics Workshop with Darryl Gurney, Sept. 25-28.