Walk a Mile in My Moccasins

Carol has been married for over seven years; she is the mother of two little girls. But each time she used to see her own mother, she instantly felt like a little child again.

By that, she didn’t mean she had a wonderful fuzzy feeling of safety, security and love. On the contrary! She felt like her own two year old who wanted to stamp her foot and yell at her mother “I hate you!”

Carol was triggered by her mother in different ways. For example, Carol and her husband made the choice to be vegetarians, yet, the mother kept pushing meat onto her daughter and her grandchildren. She was telling everybody how unhealthy it is to be vegetarian and how irresponsible it is to raise your children this way.

Carol’s husband is French-Canadian and they had decided to send their older daughter to a French school. Carol’s mother was doing everything to find fault with this choice as well.

Carol felt herself triggered into angry comments directed at her mother, which then resulted in her mother being hurt and insulted, calling her daughter cruel and heartless. Carol tried to ignore her mother, tried to explain and rationalize with her. Nothing helped. “She just will not stop!” Carol told me in exasperation.

Carol felt disrespected, criticized and angry. Her own children had been asking to see their grandparents more, but Carol always had excuses to call other babysitters and felt more comfortable avoiding family get-togethers. One day, when Carol had a fight with her husband, he exclaimed in frustration “You are just like your mother!” Carol was offended and shocked. She came to see me.

As Carol and I started working together, Carol discovered—to her surprise—her mother’s desperation for attention and love. She realized that her mother felt scared and out of control through the different life choices Carol and her husband had made for themselves and their children.

Carol has found a way to set clear respectful boundaries with her mother while giving her the love and assurance the mother was looking for. In order to do that, Carol had to work with the mirrors which showed up for her and integrate her own shadows inside herself. She had to embrace the energy of being loud and pushy, and the part in her which is controlling. Her mother mirrored neediness to Carol as well. All three were traits Carol had learned to dislike and had disowned in herself. She judged herself harshly for her own controlling energy and when she herself felt needy and fearful. Carol also chose to do a relationship alignment with somebody standing in for her mother. That’s a process which balances the chakras in relationship to each other, and can greatly shift the energy from judgments to acceptance.

When Carol healed her own wounds and cleared out her triggers, she became really able to step into her mother’s shoes and feel her mother’s experience with compassion.

Moccasins & quoteWhen we walk a mile in somebody else’s moccasins, we realize that nothing is what it seems. Our shoe might pinch in one spot, somebody else’s shoe in another.

Ever since Carol has removed her own triggers and has been able to feel and radiate true unconditional love towards her mother, her mother has also slowly started to put herself into Carol’s place. The mother has realized that her daughter’s choices in life are not right or wrong, they are not a threat to her own beliefs or a criticism of how she raised Carol; they are just different from hers.

“The other day, I heard her defend our French school to somebody! Can you believe that?” laughs Carol. Yes, I can! Carol has done the work and is seeing the results.

Is it time to move beyond right and wrong for you as well? Do you want to have more peaceful and harmonic experiences with others? Are you ready to create better relationships? By finding the parts of your personality that you have pushed away, recognizing their value and then embracing them, you are opening up to unconditionally loving yourself and enhancing your relationships. You gain the freedom to truly walk in another person’s moccasins.

Contact

Angelika

Relationship Coaching

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

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The Perfect Mother

A client said to me this week, “I saw my mother again and suddenly realized that I could just be with her, treat her with compassion, see her as a human being. I really have stopped judging her, and am more able to love her the way she is.”

Isn’t that beautiful? Each time when somebody I am working with is healing a relationship, it touches me deeply in my heart.

Another client of mine wrote a letter of gratitude to her stepmother this week. She hasn’t seen her stepmother or her father in twenty years. Their last encounter was one full of anger, conflict and mutual hurt. The daughter has spent the last two decades blaming the stepmother for everything. Those feelings had bound up her energy in the past, and left her feeling unloved and “broken”. She felt she was victimized by her stepmother, who struggled to raise her stepdaughter with the same affection she had raised her own biological children with.

perfect mother - letter

My client did not write the letter for her stepmother, she wrote it for herself. After doing the inner work, she was able to acknowledge her own feelings, but also everything her stepmom had done or had attempted to do; she was truly able to forgive her for what she didn’t do. Nothing of that needed to be written in the letter. Instead it was a simple letter of thank you to the woman who was in her life for most part of her childhood. She didn’t send the letter off to receive a response, nor for the purpose of changing or influencing her stepmother. She wrote it to clear her own energy of resentment and anger out.

Forgiving and shifting into appreciation and gratitude is always primarily for ourselves, “for-giving” ourselves love and freedom. It is also a huge step towards taking responsibility for our own life. When we finally let go of blaming others, we win the ability to respond differently to past, present and future events in our life. We gain true response-ability.

Why do so many of us struggle for such a long time with forgiving our parents for their imperfections? Why do we insist on blaming them and on feeling that they ruined or affected our lives negatively?

We have idealized images of what our mother (and father) should be like. We might all have slightly different ideas, but the perfect mother somehow should be selfless, she should take care of us, she should always be patient and supportive, she should listen well and encourage us, she should be proud of us and make us proud of her, and so much more: in short she should love us unconditionally. Media images, TV shows, movies and books often perpetuate these ideas of the perfect mother and affect our beliefs of what a “good mother” is like. These images stem from our deepest desires to be truly loved. Yet, they cause us to judge our mother and ourselves as mothers because we naturally fall short of this perfect mother myth at times. They are the source of guilt and shame instead of enjoying the love we do feel.

Perfect Mother -Carpenter quote

Most people, no matter whether they are parents or not, are still learning to love themselves and others unconditionally. The perfect mother images disregard the fact that we always mirror and trigger each other’s issues and challenges. Children trigger their parents and parents trigger their children. That is a good thing. It is an opportunity to grow and do our inner work.

What triggers us in others, what we judge and dislike about them, is really what we dislike in ourselves. As long as we refuse to give ourselves what we would like to receive from others, it is out of our reach. Only when we truly feel we are good enough, do we become just perfectly lovable the way we are. We can feel loved by others, no matter how limited their ability to love unconditionally might be.

Perfect Mother - Desjardins quote

Nobody and nothing can prevent us from truly loving ourselves. It is our job to love ourselves; nobody can do it for us! No amount of love from the outside can penetrate through if we do not take the cape of self-judgment, self-loathing or even self-hatred off.

 John Gray cartoon love-hate

  from “What You Feel You Can Heal” by John Gray

On this Mother’s Day, make the choice to let go of the past. Forgive your mother or stepmother, whether they are alive or dead. What happened in the past is over and does not matter anymore. Realize that it doesn’t mean anything unless you give it a certain meaning. Decide that your mother, stepmother, or mother-in-law for that matter, is just perfect the way she is. Start telling your story differently, with love.

Perfect Mother - Tolstoi quote

Free yourself up to love your parents without expectations or needs. Be willing to love them the way they are. Take the cape off that prevents you from feeling the love of others. Finally give yourself the gift of loving yourself the way you are.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

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The Inner Wolf

Do you feel that other people are judging you?

Are you in some way holding yourself back from living life the way you want to because you are afraid that other people won’t approve?

Are you critical and judgmental of yourself?

Who do you judge and for what?

What if you started embracing your judgmental self and all those traits that you fear other people will not like about you? What if you actually started approving of yourself, your whole self? Who would you be if you really loved yourself the way you are? Who would you be if you could just let other people live their life the way they choose without looking at them with judgement?

There is no “good” or “bad” energy. Used with consciousness, all energy, everything that is in us, has a potential, is useful or “good”.

If we deny and hide those things we don’t like about ourselves, we give them power. By starving those supposedly negative or bad traits we make exactly that energy hungry to attack when we are distracted.

white-wolf-black-wolf

It is as if we hold a white wolf and a black wolf inside us. Should we feed the white wolf or the black? Both! If we only feed the white wolf and try to starve the dark one, the later will wait for an opportunity to attack when we least expect it.

“Truth be told, there is a whole pack of wolves running around inside us – the loving wolf, the kind hearted wolf, the smart wolf, the sensitive wolf, the strong wolf, the selfless wolf, the openhearted wolf, and the creative wolf. Along with these positive aspects exists the dissatisfied wolf, the ungrateful wolf, the entitled wolf, the nasty wolf, the selfish wolf, the shameful wolf, the lying wolf, and the destructive wolf. Each day we have the opportunity to acknowledge all of these wolves. All these parts of ourselves, and we get to choose how we will relate to each of them. Will we stand in judgement on some and pretend some don’t exist or are we going to take ownership of the entire pack?” (Debbie Ford, Why Good People Do Bad Things, p.22)

The black wolf also has many important qualities we might need. The angry wolf, for example, helps us to stand up for ourselves, the dissatisfied wolf reminds us to satisfy our needs and desires, the selfish wolf makes sure we are not being taken advantage of, and so on.

If we feed them both by acknowledging their existence and owning them, they will no longer fight to get our attention by surprising us with sudden attacks of that suppressed emotion. We can use each of them as needed. For example, instead of having an angry outburst, we can use the angry energy in a productive way. Anger gives us the feed-back that we perceive something as unfair and helps us “make fair”. By acknowledging its existence in us without judgement, we gain the conscious choice whether we want to engage that energy, or not.

 

Are you ready to acknowledge and own all the black wolves so you can live in harmony with all of yourself?

Mark your calendars for the next Shadow Energetics Workshop taught by Darryl Gurney.

Dates: September 25-28, 2014

Location: Candlelight Drive, Mississauga

Early Bird Special is September 3, 2014.

Register: call or email me

905-286-9466 (Angelika)

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

For more detailed information on course content go to the “upcoming workshops” page.

 

Who do you judge? – The Story of the Immoral Girlfriend

A girlfriend of mine—let’s call her Anne—broke off the contact with a long-time close girlfriend of hers. Sometimes relationships are not meant to last a lifetime, but I was still curious as to what would prompt Anne to act in such a way.

The reason was Anne’s husband. Her husband felt very strongly that he did not want to be around his wife’s girlfriend, nor that his wife should be friends with her. His reason for putting his wife under pressure to break off the friendship was the fact that the girlfriend had an affair with a married man at the time.

Now, this is not at all about the question of whether it is right or wrong to have a relationship with someone who is married; you can answer that question for yourself. Instead, I would like to take a look at the strong reaction that this man had to the girlfriend and her life choices.

Why was the husband—let’s call him Grant—so triggered by the situation? It was almost like Grant was afraid the adultery was catching. Did he not trust his wife to make better choices than her girlfriend? Or did Grant not trust himself?

When we sit on a high moral horse and judge others harshly it usually reflects something about ourselves. His wife’s girlfriend was mirroring one of Grant’s shadow sides. Maybe he had been affected in some way by adultery when he was younger and had not let go of his past yet. The situation might have been a reminder for him to heal his own wounds. Or maybe she was mirroring that he had thought about being unfaithful himself. Or maybe she was mirroring that he had in some form been dishonest in relationships.

I don’t know what happened to the girlfriend but I am quite sure breaking off the friendship did not “make her see the error of her ways.” Judging has never helped someone who might be lost on their path to get back to making healthier choices. As her friend, his wife could have encouraged the girlfriend to believe that she deserves better than a married man. And most importantly, she could have trusted the girlfriend to eventually make the best choice and learn from the situation.

 

Who do you judge? Who triggers you so much that you feel like cutting all ties with them? What do they show you about your own disowned shadow parts?

For Information on the four-day Shadow Energetics Workshop in Mississauga go to calendar.