I Don’t Trust You – PART THREE – How to Heal the Trust

Listen to all three parts of the article as an extended version on my podcast, or read part three below!

When we have been betrayed, we might think that we have discovered the truth about the other person, that they have shown their true colours, but all we have done is discovered one truth about them. We are all people with admirable qualities and people who also act from their so called shadow sides. We all act from conscious parts in us but also from fears and suppressed unconscious energies that we have learned to disown. When somebody has betrayed us they have hardly ever set out to do this on purpose but usually they have acted from their own needs, wants and desires without considering their impact on others.

Healing the trust means figuring out together what led to the betrayal and to making changes in the relationship in a way that makes another betrayal less likely. You want to have problem-identifying and problem-solving conversations. This is not about finding fault with either partner but about understanding the unconscious dynamics in our relationships.

Let’s be very clear. A betrayal is like a mugging. Just as it is not your fault that you were mugged, it is not your fault that your partner broke your trust. However, once things have calmed down emotionally, you can examine how each of you has contributed to a situation that led to broken trust. Some problems will be issues your partner needs to deal with, others, you might need to take responsibility for. You can both make changes that will make a future betrayal less likely.

Kirshenbaum shares that many years ago, her husband had an emotional affair. She analyzes, “I had in fact made it far too easy for him to go off and have an emotional affair… I was very busy. I was very impatient. I was very critical of him. I was very unsupportive when my husband was going through a difficult time himself. Somehow I had withdrawn from him… My husband’s part in the problem was that he didn’t know how to get my attention and let me know what he needed and how we were going off the rails. My part in the problem was that I ignored his needs and sent us off the rails.” (Kirshenbaum, 168/169)

The inability of one or both partners to express their needs creates huge problems in our relationships. We usually grow up believing that as adults we shouldn’t be needy. Fact is, people are only as needy as their unmet needs. Living a healthy relationship means finding out what your needs are, believing that you deserve to have your needs met, and expressing them appropriately to your partner. Some needs we have are independent needs, others are dependent needs. The first ones we can meet ourselves, for example “I need to exercise every day”; the latter ones we can only meet with the cooperation of the other person, for example “I need to connect with my partner every day”. Some needs are negotiable for us for example, “I am willing to skip a day of exercise here or there”. Other needs are non-negotiable due to our values, for example, “I need my partner to be monogamous” could be a non-negotiable need for you.

The key to problem solving is to not get defensive. Refuse to hear blame and do your best to hear the underlying unmet needs. It is not up to you to judge your partner’s needs, nor do you need to justify whether you have tried to meet those needs. Strive to hear the need and find out how you can actually meet it, if it is one that involves you, or give your partner time and space to meet their own need.

Kirshenbaum names six top solutions that help rebuild the trust:

  1. Learn to listen

Instead of really truly listening until the other person feels understood, we tend to jump to conclusions, assume, explain, defend, interrupt, criticize, minimize and blame or feel blamed. Listening means hearing. You show you have heard and understood by reflecting back what you have heard, for example, “Did I get this right, you feel…”

  1. Make each other feel the other matters

Listening is one way of making each other feel important. Another way is making time for each other, or reaching out to your partner to connect.

  1. Be fair

When one of you feels resentment because something does not seem fair, the other person needs to hear this and at least try their best to make things more balanced or more fair.

  1. Learn how to make decisions together

If you are struggling to find compromises in regards to what you want, you can use the numbers from 1 to 10 to determine how important something is to you. 1 means you don’t care much, 10 means it is extremely important to you. The partner with the highest number gets to make the choice. If it is equally important to you, take turns making decisions.

Also talk about why something is important to you, what it means to you. That way your partner can understand your experience.

  1. Don’t belittle

Treat each other with respect, no matter what you think about the other person’s thoughts, needs, fears or feelings. Nobody likes to be treated as if they are stupid, crazy or unimportant.

  1. Don’t be controlling

Our needs can be experienced by the other person as control. And the more they feel controlled, the more likely it is that they will do everything to escape the control. If your partner experiences your needs as you trying to control him or her, it does not mean that you have to throw your needs overboard. It means that you have to have a conversation and make sure you explain your feelings and needs. You also need to express your needs as requests not demands.

Rather than insisting on needing to check up on the other person, the betrayed partner could try to come from a vulnerable place and for example say, “I still feel scared and vulnerable, and it would help me to feel safe if you were more open and shared more with me. I’ll do my best not to get upset but to make you glad you shared.”

In the aftermath of a betrayal, the temptation to be controlling is great. However, can you actually control what you are trying to control? If your partner chooses to do what you do not want them to do, he or she will find a way to have secrets. And if it is something you can actually control, it might make you feel safer in the short term but not help you trust your partner in the long run. If you don’t try to control them, it is a win/win. Either he or she shows that they are trustworthy, or they show that they cannot be trusted. In the latter case it is better, to know sooner rather than later.

If you are thinking that you need to control them because they won’t respect your requests and be honest, you are saying that this person has radically different values than you but that you want them in your life anyway. In that case, you are not honouring your own values and needs. For the sake of our soul and our personal growth, the decision whether to continue with the relationship or not, needs to be one of self-love and self-respect. Are you in integrity with your own values staying in this relationship, or not?

If our values overlap enough and we are able to work through a betrayal together with our partner, we can rebuild the trust as a team. In that case, the relationship usually ends up being stronger than before.

PART ONE of this series explored how mistrust entered into the relationship. Click here to read part one.

PART TWO of this series was about how to decide whether to stay in a relationship and rebuild the trust, or not. Click here to read part two.

If you would like to work through a betrayal by yourself or with your partner, contact me for a free phone consultation.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

I know your time is valuable and I appreciate you reading my blog. If you are enjoying my articles, you can subscribe to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to enter your email address in the field in the left sidebar. Thank you for your support!

I Don’t Trust You – PART TWO – Deciding Whether to Go or Stay

Listen to all three parts of the article as an extended version on my podcast, or read part two below!

When there are trust issues in a relationship, the question arises if the trust can be restored. Mistrust can provide an excuse to leave a relationship if we had already been thinking about ending the relationship. It all depends on what the relationship was like before the betrayal happened. “Most people who leave a relationship right after the betrayal have regrets if the relationship had been good before that point.” (Kirshenbaum, 39)

Before deciding to heal and restore the broken trust, the author Mira Kirshenbaum recommends that you ask yourself several questions.

1. Would you want this relationship if the trust could be restored?

You need to examine what the other areas of the relationship are like. What has your sex life been like before the loss of trust? Can you still have fun together? Do you still enjoy co-parenting?

2. Does the fact that this betrayal happened ruin everything for you?

If the betrayal has changed how you see the other person at such a fundamental level that you cannot imagine wanting to be with them after your anger has died down, then you are better off ending the relationship.

3. Can you imagine the possibility of forgiveness?

Forgiveness isn’t just the cherry on top of the sundae of reconciliation. Forgiveness is essential for our relationships. You cannot trust somebody whom you haven’t forgiven and just as importantly, you cannot trust somebody who hasn’t forgiven you. Forgiveness is a life-affirming act. It is not an intellectual process; it is a softening and opening in the heart. Instead of our heart feeling closed and hard because of anger or fear, it opens and relaxes when we forgive and let go.

4. Does the person you mistrust care about how you feel?

Has he or she gone out of their way to show that they care? If not, then he or she will not be able to work with you during the trust-recovering process. You are better off leaving.

5. Can the other person work on the relationship with you?

Rebuilding trust can only happen when the two people work on it together. The partners need to talk to each other, share information about hurt feelings, and talk about things that are difficult to say or hear. If one or both people are conflict-avoidant and just want the relationship to be easy and trouble free, the process of rebuilding trust cannot unfold successfully.

Kirshenbaum names two main reasons why we are afraid to talk to our partners. One is the fear of being attacked or blamed. So you need to commit to not attacking, blaming, or yelling and instead focus on making each other feel safe. The second reason is that we might feel that we won’t get a chance to express ourselves. So the second commitment is to listen and give each other equal talking time.

You need to discover together what the mistakes were, how you both contributed to them happening, and how to avoid them in the future.

6. What do I have to lose?

If you can get to the point where you can honestly say, “I don’t have anything to lose; the worst that can happen is that the person who has betrayed me will show that he or she hasn’t changed”. If this is the case, then it’s worth staying to work on the relationship. If he or she ultimately can’t or won’t do what is needed to deserve your trust and make you feel safe, you can see it as his or her way of letting you go, and move on at that point.

Often the betrayed partner does not need to hear how sorry the other person is and how bad they feel. Instead, they need the betraying partner to really understand how their life has changed through their choices. After the betrayed person has shared the impact the break of trust had on them and their life, the offending partner repeats this impact back to her or him. That allows the betrayed spouse to feel seen, heard and truly understood. That is much more valuable for the healing process than an apology.

Mistrust can heal. What prevents it from healing is excessive anger. The angry part inside of us is naturally trying to protect us. Often yelling does make us feel stronger and therefore safer. It can be somewhat of a test to see if the other person cares enough to hang in there while you are furious about their betrayal. At the same time, it is unfortunately a test of the other person’s ability to withstand discouragement.

The less anger we engage in, the faster the healing happens. Kirshenbaum’s guidelines are: if the betrayal was a major betrayal, there is most likely still unlimited anger by the end of the first month, but by the end of three months, you should be able to have a sane, productive conversation for the purpose of accomplishing joint goals. By the end of six months, there might still be flashes of anger, but it should no longer be your operating mode. By the end of the first year, you are ideally no longer angry. Trust might not be completely restored, but you feel you are on your way. By the end of the second year, trust has been restored and you can now talk about the betrayal without getting angry and upset.

The things we do to make us feel safer, like yelling, cruel words, coldness or distancing ourselves, won’t restore trust. If you find it hard to not express your anger to your partner, you can keep an anger journal, vent about the betrayal to a coach or give yourself a “time out” if it gets too much. I also like two other suggestions Kirshenbaum makes. She suggests to vent in emails and give your partner the choice whether they want to read the e-mails or not. She also talks about “having a Vesuvius”, which entails setting a timer for two minutes (or however long your partner can listen) and using that limited time to get your anger off your chest.

In PART THREE we will explore the steps to healing the broken trust. Click here to read part three.

If you would like to work on a trust issue by yourself or with your partner,

contact me for a free phone consultation

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

I know your time is valuable and I appreciate you reading my blog. If you are enjoying my articles, you can subscribe to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to enter your email address in the field in the left sidebar. Thank you for your support!

I Don’t Trust You – PART ONE – How Mistrust Enters Our Relationships

Listen to all three parts of the article as an extended version on my podcast, or read part one below!

Why are trust issues such a common topic for relationships? The answer is simply that we are all human; we are imperfect people who make mistakes. And other imperfect people with whom we are in relationships will too often hurt us, or disappoint us, or even betray us. A betrayal happens when one person does not take the feelings of another person into account. Every time we do not consider our partner’s feelings or fundamental needs, he or she is bound to feel disappointment and the trust in the relationship diminishes.

Kirshenbaum states in her book “I love you but I don’t trust you” that between 40% and 70% of couples know they have significant problems with trust, and at least 90% of couples will have a crisis of trust at some point.

Any upsetting surprise or discovery that makes us feel vulnerable, hurt or unsafe can be experienced as a betrayal. When we have a reasonable expectation and the other person violates it through their choices, we feel disappointed or betrayed. Mayor betrayals are of course gambling away the couple’s entire savings, having an emotional or physical affair, or tricking your partner into having a baby he or she didn’t want. Betrayals also happen when someone we trust doesn’t stand up for us, says bad things behind our back, takes advantage of us, exposes us to a situation we experience as dangerous, keeps important things from the past or present secret, pulls us into financial difficulties, or breaks other major promises or unspoken agreements.

Betrayal is a reliability breakdown. One big betrayal is painful but often easier to recover from than an endless series of little disappointments or little betrayals. The latter occurs when we are in a relationship with an unreliable partner who makes promises and keeps breaking them. In the second case, you cannot count on anything. Such little betrayals are ongoing lies, or repeated situations where the other person keeps getting into trouble, or keeps failing at something that is expected of an adult, for example their job or managing their money.

Differences Between the Partners

One way in which trust issues enter a relationship is when there are significant differences between the partners in background, personality or preferences. “For example, if you like to plan and your partner likes to just wing it, your partner’s way of doing things will seem wrong to you and you’ll feel that you can’t trust him” (Mira Kirshenbaum, 27). You will both be mistrustful of each other. The planner might feel they cannot count on anything and the more spontaneous person will potentially feel trapped, controlled or stifled, and therefore also experience mistrust.

Unequal Power

Another risk factor for mistrust is a situation of unequal power, for example when one person has more money than the other, or more personal power. Having more power can play out as not needing to consult the other partner when decisions are made, or can occur if the priorities of the more powerful partner trump their partner’s wishes. The partner with less power experiences that they are not treated equally and that their wishes and needs matter less. On the other hand, the person with more money can never be sure that the other likes him or her for who he or she is. That erodes the trust on their end.

Hidden People

The worst trust killer is when one partner does not know where they stand with the other because that person is hiding. “He just plays his cards close to his chest. He’s not even open enough to tell you he doesn’t know where he stands on the subject of making a commitment. He keeps saying ‘I don’t know’ to your questions. He changes the subject when you try to press him a little on any personal topic.” (Kirshenbaum, 30)

Because two people are never identical, one will ultimately be more open than the other. The person who is less open will inevitably begin to seem hidden to their partner. And we all fear that when something is hidden it cannot be anything good. We start to feel insecure and afraid. So the more open partner begins to ask questions, to push, to probe or to invade. And the other partner will resist, close up more and put up more barriers. So in most relationships, there is one person hungry for more openness and the other one who is defending their closeness.

If you need to be with somebody who is open and you are with a hidden person, then you have a compatibility problem. However, a simple agreement can help to shift the dynamics of mistrust. That commitment is, “I will open up if you do not slam me” and “I won’t slam you if you open up.” This means that the person who is hidden has to swallow their fears and take a risk. And the other person has to be okay with hearing upsetting news and not freaking out about it.

According to Kirshenbaum, we make two mistakes. “We get upset at what the other person has revealed. And we give the other person the third degree about when they first knew this and why they didn’t tell us sooner and what else are they hiding” (Kirshenbaum 264). Or as Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson call it, we become lie invitees. When we get angry, attack or act like martyrs and make the other person feel guilty, we are not helping our partner to be truthful.

Unfortunately, we cannot command openness, we can only encourage or reward it. Instead of responding with anger, our first goal needs to be to welcome the honesty. We might want to say something like, “I really welcome your openness, and I am grateful, even though I am struggling to hear this information.”

Dr. Alexandra Solomon, who teaches an undergraduate course at Northwestern University called “Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101”, talks about asking constraint questions to invite the other person to dialogue. For example, if our partner lies to us, we can ask, “Why did you lie to me?” Or we can phrase a constraint question and ask, “What kept you from being truthful with me?” The first question triggers defensiveness, and we are coming from a victim place, where the other person is the perpetrator. The second question is coming from a place of curiosity and invites a conversation in which we share responsibility. Perhaps, it did not feel safe to tell the truth, or perhaps it is something our partner has learned growing up and that fear or limiting belief needs to be healed. We are interested in our partner’s history to understand and we are invested in working on changing this pattern together.

While you can’t have relationships without disappointments because it is part of human nature to hurt others, you cannot have a solid love relationship without trust. Trust nourishes the relationship. Only when you trust each other can you fully relax, be open and feel safe enough to let the other one see your true self.

According to Kirshenbaum, the trust healing process consists of “finding ways to radically take the other person into account”. Often right after a betrayal or broken trust we want to understand why it happened. Oddly enough that has us more invested in the relationship than we were in a long time.

By nature we are designed as trusting creatures. Our ancestors could only survive because they trusted each other and worked together. According to Kirshenbaum, there is a “trust-hungry part” and a “betrayal vulnerable part” in all of us. Trust is our default mode. Unless we have a reason not to trust, we will default to trusting. But when something happens that triggers our fears of betrayal, that betrayal vulnerable part will awaken and can cause destruction.

In PART TWO of this three part article we will address how to decide whether to go or stay in the relationship. Click here to read part two.  

In PART THREE we will explore the steps to healing the broken trustClick here to read part three.

If you would like to work on a trust issue by yourself or with your partner, contact me for a free phone consultation

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 I know your time is valuable and I appreciate you reading my blog. If you are enjoying my articles, you can subscribe to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to enter your email address in the field in the left sidebar. Thank you for your support!

Perfectly Imperfect Mother

My mom passed on six years ago. Each Mother’s Day, I think of her, of course, and ever so often I talk to her. I allow myself to feel good about the relationship we had, and I also realize that there were more lessons we could have learned. I know that she loved me with an unwavering affection, no matter what, even when I was less than patient with her. Mother love can be like no other: forgiving and enduring, even when there are fights or misunderstandings. However, when we are in the middle of a conflict, it can seem like it just can’t be resolved.

It is normal and natural that parents and children push each others buttons. We trigger each others disowned parts or shadows. Those issues are an invitation to become more whole within our own being and to create a more loving and accepting relationship with each other.

What is often in the way of truly loving our parents is that we have unrealistic expectations of them. Instead of accepting them the way they are, we want picture perfect parents. According to that picture, our mother is supposed to be always there to support us, always listening and empathizing perfectly. She is supposed to have the answers and be the wiser one to guide us. We want to admire her and look up to her. She is supposed to have it all figured out.

And sometimes mothers manage to do some of that but what if they are also just human like we are? What if sometimes they are as lost as we are? What if they don’t always act in a way that we admire? What if they also battle fears and limiting beliefs about themselves and the world? What if they trigger strong emotions for us and we don’t always bring the best out in each other?

If the relationship is challenging, we can conclude that it is just not worth bothering or too frustrating to deal with. Or we can ask ourselves, what relationship do I want to have with my mother, and what does it take to get there? Who do I need to be in order to have a healthy, satisfying relationship with her, in which my needs and values are respected?

Louise Hay suggests that you ask yourself what kind of relationship you would like to have with your mother and to put that into affirmative statement form, and start declaring it for yourself. Start opening up to the possibility to create the best relationship possible. Ask yourself what your needs are in this relationship. There will be some needs which are non-negotiable and a must in the interactions, and others that you are willing to have met elsewhere.

Decide what it is you need. She may not approve of how you live your life, but it is not necessary to make her wrong. All you need to know is that you approve of your life choices. You are an adult and if you meet her as an adult that approves of him or herself, she might surprise you.

Lead with vulnerability and let her know that you want a loving, successful relationship with her. Be very specific about how you want to show up in this relationship without trying to change or control her. Share your needs and boundaries in a loving way. Simply let her know how much it means to you to meet her from heart to heart.

Some subconscious belief changes which might help you in meeting your mom eye-to-eye are

  1. I have reasonable expectations of my mother as another human being.
  2. I allow her to be perfectly imperfect.
  3. I accept my mother the way she is.
  4. I view her with eyes of kindness and understanding.
  5. I show up as the best me in this relationship.
  6. I approve of myself and my choices.
  7. I am free of any need for approval.
  8. I embrace the best relationship that is possible with her.

 

If you would like to improve any relationship or change some subconscious beliefs, using techniques like PSYCH-K® or Shadow Energetics, contact me for a free phone consultation

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca 

I know your time is valuable and I appreciate you reading my blog. If you are enjoying my articles, you can subscribe to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to enter your email address in the field in the left sidebar. Thank you for your support!

Rituals

Relationships need rituals. With our children we all recognize the need for rituals. We hug and kiss them goodbye and hello. We might have the ritual of reading or singing to them before bed-time, eating certain meals together, perhaps engaging in a spiritual practice, or we might have a ritual of doing something together like gardening. When my children were small I used to put a note of encouragement or love in their lunch box on a regular basis. Perhaps, you have a personal sharing ritual with your children? For a while we used to do the “What was the best part of your day?”- Question at dinner. In fact, the day with children is full with deliberate moments of ritual behaviour.

rituals blog bench under willow

We say the children need rituals. I would like to claim that it is not just the children but the relationship itself which needs the rituals. Rituals give us predictability and help us to be emotionally connected with each other; they make our relationships stronger. As our children become older, some rituals change or fall by the wayside. However, those rituals were part of the reason why the connection between us exists.

We all have birthday rituals. In our family, the birthday girl or boy is being woken up with a song in the morning. The cake later in the day, with the ritual of singing and blowing the candles out, making a wish is another common ritual in many families. Birthday presents are rituals. We all have our rituals around different holidays. They all strengthen the bond between the members of the family engaging in those rituals.

“Rituals are an important part of belonging. They are repeated, intentional ceremonies that recognize a special time or connection. Rituals engage us, emotionally and physically, so that we become riveted to the present moment in a positive way.” (Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight)

My dad calls us every Sunday morning. This is a ritual established more than 60 years ago as his mother, my grandmother, could already be counted on calling every Sunday morning. When I know we will be out, I’ll let him know, not because he will otherwise worry, my dad is pretty laid back despite being in his 80ties, but because it acknowledges our ritual and shows both of us that we value and treasure it.

Fourteen years ago, when I first moved to this area, I very quickly made a new friend, another mother from the school my older daughter was attending. Right from the start, we established a strong ritual. Once a month we went on a girl’s night out, going to dinner and a movie afterwards. This ritual lasted long after our children were not attending the same school anymore and they had lost touch with each other. Our friendship remained strong due to our ritual.

Then our lives became so busy that we did not have a lot of time anymore to go out at night and we changed our ritual to going for lunch. However, that new ritual did not have the same strength as our old one. I am sad to say that our lunch dates became more and more infrequent and our friendship drifted apart. Friendships need rituals. Some friendships need regularly shared activities, other friendships can survive on picking up the phone twice a year on each other’s birthday. However, without recognizing the bond in an intentional way, the friendship is going to struggle to survive.

The one relationship which we sometimes forget when it comes to rituals is our partnership or marriage. When I was married to my first husband, we didn’t go out anymore for regular dates after the children were born. We didn’t recognize the importance of alone time and rituals to keep our bond strong. Regular small gestures or ways of connecting go a long way in keeping a relationship healthy.
rituals blog bench in snow

What rituals do you have—or would you like to establish—in your primary love relationship? Do you touch, kiss and hug as part of your day, on waking up, going to sleep, leaving the house or coming home? Do you call or text during the day, not just to exchange information but to connect emotionally? Do you take a new class together, for example learning a language, or taking a cooking class, or dance class together? Do you have a special time together, for example having your morning coffee together or maintaining a regular date night or weekend getaway?

Other bonding rituals, deliberately structured moments of connecting, are validating your partner’s struggles and victories on a regular basis, for example “I am so amazed how you are able to…”, “I am proud of you for pushing through…”, or “I saw you struggle in that situation. You did your best…”

Publicly recognizing your partner and your relationship in front of friends or family members is another way of strengthening the bond. Some couples renew their vows; others are comfortable to express their love on facebook. But even a simple thank you in front of other people on a regular basis is a ritual that strengthens the relationship. Or a gesture of gratitude like bringing flowers home with a sincere thank you “for everything you do”.

Roses

As mentioned above, one ritual for some couples is to take a workshop together. Many couples who have taken our workshops have established a ritual of helping each other to change subconscious beliefs. I am teaching muscle testing during the four day Shadow Energetics Workshop. We will learn to muscle test others and how to do self-muscle testing.

To learn more contact Angelika

905-286-9466 (free phone consultation) or

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

For 2016 workshop dates and locations go to Upcoming Workshop.

If you enjoy my posts, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

 

 

 

 

Clearing the Energy Between Two People

The couple is standing about 18 inches apart from each other. Each of them has their left hand over their heart and their right and on top of the partner’s hand. They are connected through a heart to heart link with each other.

Hands Over Heart

She says to him a couple of times, “I forgive you completely and I am sorry” and a smile shows up on his face. He quips, “I need to hear that one more”, making a reference to what they have joked about before: she does not find it easy to say sorry. Good-naturedly, she keeps repeating the phrase until the respective chakra shows a clear and harmonious energy. Whatever it was—that one or both needed to let go—has energetically been released to clear the solar plexus chakra.

They previously had transpersonally aligned their seven chakras and I muscles tested each chakra in relationship to each other. A couple of chakras for each of them showed distorted energy. That is not unusual. Issues arise in every day life and affect the energy between us. Perhaps an issue causes us to feel unsupported (root chakra) or unable to express ourselves (throat chakra). For some people almost every chakra is energetically “off”. The Relationship Alignment is not always an experience of good-naturedly teasing each other like in the case of this very conscious couple. Frequently tears flow or resistance can show up in regards to a particular issue.

Chakras

photo credit

Very often both people aren’t able or willing to come in together for a session. In that case, another person can—with the permission of the Higher Self—stand in for the absent partner. The Relationship Allignment can be done just as effectively with a stand-in.

The stand-in experience itself is utterly fascinating. Often the stand-in partner is able to pick up on physical or emotional issues of the person they are substituting for. They can feel how that person feels. The alignment is just as intense and it feels as real for the client who is personally present. A frequent response of my clients is, “Oh, my God, it felt like I was really looking into my father’s (mother’s, sister’s, ex-husband’s etc) eyes!”

The Relationship Alignment can be done for relationship partners, other family members, friends or even somebody distant like your boss. Where ever there is disharmonious energy between two people it is worth checking if a Relationship Alignment might help.

Sometimes our loved one has died before we were able to heal the relationship. A stand-in can also be used for somebody who has already passed on. Beautiful healing can still be brought to relationships and the person left behind through this process. In fact, some of the most touching moment’s I have experienced as a facilitator or stand-in took place when healing issues beyond the physical death of one person.

 

Is there a relationship you would like to heal or improve?

I am teaching the Relationship Alignment during the four day Shadow Energetics Workshop.

To learn more contact me (Angelika) for individual sessions or Shadow Energetics Workshops.

905-286-9466 (free phone consultation) or

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

For 2016 workshop dates and locations go to Upcoming Workshop.

If you enjoy my posts, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

 

Walk a Mile in My Moccasins

Carol has been married for over seven years; she is the mother of two little girls. But each time she used to see her own mother, she instantly felt like a little child again.

By that, she didn’t mean she had a wonderful fuzzy feeling of safety, security and love. On the contrary! She felt like her own two year old who wanted to stamp her foot and yell at her mother “I hate you!”

Carol was triggered by her mother in different ways. For example, Carol and her husband made the choice to be vegetarians, yet, the mother kept pushing meat onto her daughter and her grandchildren. She was telling everybody how unhealthy it is to be vegetarian and how irresponsible it is to raise your children this way.

Carol’s husband is French-Canadian and they had decided to send their older daughter to a French school. Carol’s mother was doing everything to find fault with this choice as well.

Carol felt herself triggered into angry comments directed at her mother, which then resulted in her mother being hurt and insulted, calling her daughter cruel and heartless. Carol tried to ignore her mother, tried to explain and rationalize with her. Nothing helped. “She just will not stop!” Carol told me in exasperation.

Carol felt disrespected, criticized and angry. Her own children had been asking to see their grandparents more, but Carol always had excuses to call other babysitters and felt more comfortable avoiding family get-togethers. One day, when Carol had a fight with her husband, he exclaimed in frustration “You are just like your mother!” Carol was offended and shocked. She came to see me.

As Carol and I started working together, Carol discovered—to her surprise—her mother’s desperation for attention and love. She realized that her mother felt scared and out of control through the different life choices Carol and her husband had made for themselves and their children.

Carol has found a way to set clear respectful boundaries with her mother while giving her the love and assurance the mother was looking for. In order to do that, Carol had to work with the mirrors which showed up for her and integrate her own shadows inside herself. She had to embrace the energy of being loud and pushy, and the part in her which is controlling. Her mother mirrored neediness to Carol as well. All three were traits Carol had learned to dislike and had disowned in herself. She judged herself harshly for her own controlling energy and when she herself felt needy and fearful. Carol also chose to do a relationship alignment with somebody standing in for her mother. That’s a process which balances the chakras in relationship to each other, and can greatly shift the energy from judgments to acceptance.

When Carol healed her own wounds and cleared out her triggers, she became really able to step into her mother’s shoes and feel her mother’s experience with compassion.

Moccasins & quoteWhen we walk a mile in somebody else’s moccasins, we realize that nothing is what it seems. Our shoe might pinch in one spot, somebody else’s shoe in another.

Ever since Carol has removed her own triggers and has been able to feel and radiate true unconditional love towards her mother, her mother has also slowly started to put herself into Carol’s place. The mother has realized that her daughter’s choices in life are not right or wrong, they are not a threat to her own beliefs or a criticism of how she raised Carol; they are just different from hers.

“The other day, I heard her defend our French school to somebody! Can you believe that?” laughs Carol. Yes, I can! Carol has done the work and is seeing the results.

Is it time to move beyond right and wrong for you as well? Do you want to have more peaceful and harmonic experiences with others? Are you ready to create better relationships? By finding the parts of your personality that you have pushed away, recognizing their value and then embracing them, you are opening up to unconditionally loving yourself and enhancing your relationships. You gain the freedom to truly walk in another person’s moccasins.

Contact

Angelika

Relationship Coaching

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

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The Perfect Mother

A client said to me this week, “I saw my mother again and suddenly realized that I could just be with her, treat her with compassion, see her as a human being. I really have stopped judging her, and am more able to love her the way she is.”

Isn’t that beautiful? Each time when somebody I am working with is healing a relationship, it touches me deeply in my heart.

Another client of mine wrote a letter of gratitude to her stepmother this week. She hasn’t seen her stepmother or her father in twenty years. Their last encounter was one full of anger, conflict and mutual hurt. The daughter has spent the last two decades blaming the stepmother for everything. Those feelings had bound up her energy in the past, and left her feeling unloved and “broken”. She felt she was victimized by her stepmother, who struggled to raise her stepdaughter with the same affection she had raised her own biological children with.

perfect mother - letter

My client did not write the letter for her stepmother, she wrote it for herself. After doing the inner work, she was able to acknowledge her own feelings, but also everything her stepmom had done or had attempted to do; she was truly able to forgive her for what she didn’t do. Nothing of that needed to be written in the letter. Instead it was a simple letter of thank you to the woman who was in her life for most part of her childhood. She didn’t send the letter off to receive a response, nor for the purpose of changing or influencing her stepmother. She wrote it to clear her own energy of resentment and anger out.

Forgiving and shifting into appreciation and gratitude is always primarily for ourselves, “for-giving” ourselves love and freedom. It is also a huge step towards taking responsibility for our own life. When we finally let go of blaming others, we win the ability to respond differently to past, present and future events in our life. We gain true response-ability.

Why do so many of us struggle for such a long time with forgiving our parents for their imperfections? Why do we insist on blaming them and on feeling that they ruined or affected our lives negatively?

We have idealized images of what our mother (and father) should be like. We might all have slightly different ideas, but the perfect mother somehow should be selfless, she should take care of us, she should always be patient and supportive, she should listen well and encourage us, she should be proud of us and make us proud of her, and so much more: in short she should love us unconditionally. Media images, TV shows, movies and books often perpetuate these ideas of the perfect mother and affect our beliefs of what a “good mother” is like. These images stem from our deepest desires to be truly loved. Yet, they cause us to judge our mother and ourselves as mothers because we naturally fall short of this perfect mother myth at times. They are the source of guilt and shame instead of enjoying the love we do feel.

Perfect Mother -Carpenter quote

Most people, no matter whether they are parents or not, are still learning to love themselves and others unconditionally. The perfect mother images disregard the fact that we always mirror and trigger each other’s issues and challenges. Children trigger their parents and parents trigger their children. That is a good thing. It is an opportunity to grow and do our inner work.

What triggers us in others, what we judge and dislike about them, is really what we dislike in ourselves. As long as we refuse to give ourselves what we would like to receive from others, it is out of our reach. Only when we truly feel we are good enough, do we become just perfectly lovable the way we are. We can feel loved by others, no matter how limited their ability to love unconditionally might be.

Perfect Mother - Desjardins quote

Nobody and nothing can prevent us from truly loving ourselves. It is our job to love ourselves; nobody can do it for us! No amount of love from the outside can penetrate through if we do not take the cape of self-judgment, self-loathing or even self-hatred off.

 John Gray cartoon love-hate

  from “What You Feel You Can Heal” by John Gray

On this Mother’s Day, make the choice to let go of the past. Forgive your mother or stepmother, whether they are alive or dead. What happened in the past is over and does not matter anymore. Realize that it doesn’t mean anything unless you give it a certain meaning. Decide that your mother, stepmother, or mother-in-law for that matter, is just perfect the way she is. Start telling your story differently, with love.

Perfect Mother - Tolstoi quote

Free yourself up to love your parents without expectations or needs. Be willing to love them the way they are. Take the cape off that prevents you from feeling the love of others. Finally give yourself the gift of loving yourself the way you are.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

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Connecting With a Loved One Who Has Passed On

One of the most powerful and deeply heart opening experiences is the PSYCH-K® Relationship Balance with a loved one who has passed on. In this process another person stands in for the soul who has passed. It gives the client an opportunity to deeply connect once again with a family member or friend who has crossed over and to say and/or hear what they always wanted to hear. The more intuitive the stand in happens to be the more touching the experience often is.

At the four day Advanced PSYCH-K® this November, we had several deeply healing encounters which involved bringing somebody in who is not in a physical body anymore. The experience often brings peace to the person who was left behind to continue this life. They might not have had a chance to say good-bye, or to hear what they always hoped to hear from their loved one.

This can also be a huge growth experience for the stand-in. The stand in person can experience what it is like to intuitively tune into the energy of the passed on person and to sense what needs to still be said. Some people are so good at surrogating for the passed on spirit that they can literally feel all the emotions and channel the energy and words from the other side.

 

Here are some testimonials from participants…

Carolyn:

“My Dad, Mike, died in September 2012, four days before my birthday, very quickly, within six weeks, from an aggressive multiple myeloma cancer. He didn’t like it, but he exuded great dignity and pride during this time. My mom and I speak to him often but lately I have had the wish to see him again and to hear him speak to me.

In preparation for this workshop, I already received different messages that my Dad is around. Just recently, my car died in the middle of nowhere, when I noticed a sign saying “Mike’s Auto Parts and Service”. It was a Sunday morning at 9:00 a.m. What was the likelihood of anybody being in the shop to help me? I called and the garage owner, Mike, was in his shop working on the car of his own daughter. This is just one message of several.

When James volunteered to surrogate for my Dad, my Dad saw his chance and jumped right in. That is exactly what he was like. And he would have picked a gentle soul like James to come through. James just went with the flow and intuitively channelled the perfect words.

The experience was very touching and moving. Love beyond Love. It was a Divine gift of love, a miracle, to hold and hug my dad and to feel his love once again. It was deeply moving to exchange words and emotions. When my Dad asked through James how my mom was and I said she is doing great, he said “Are you sure?” I again felt that this is exactly what he would ask. The words “I have faith in you,” which James spoke to me in my father’s place during the bonding part of the process resonated deeply with me and ties into what I have been focusing on lately to step into my full potential. The words “You are enough, “I said to my Dad were powerful and healing, spoken from love and truth, freeing him from error perceptions and opening the door for my Dad’s soul transformation and growth. And ultimately affecting the growth and change of all of us. Beautiful!

I feel that James and I gave each other a great gift. I had another chance to speak to my Dad and James was able to experience that we can all channel the energy of another person, whether on the earth plane or the spirit world.”

Carolyn and her dad MikeCarolyn and her dad

James stood in for Carolyn’s Dad Mike who passed on two years ago. This is how James experienced being the surrogate:

“Before we could even ask permission for me to surrogate for Mike, he literally “jumped in”. It felt like my knees got weak and I immediately had an incredible sense of love and joy in my heart. All pain in my own body dissipated. I had an overwhelming feeling that I was really looking at my own child who I hadn’t seen in a long while. I took a step towards her and was guided to hug her and hold her like she was my daughter. The facilitator stepped back and allowed us our moment of reconnecting. Our conversation just flowed easily and naturally but I cannot recall anymore than what I was guided to say to my daughter.

The facilitator muscle tested the belief points but they were all strong. So we proceeded to the bonding part of this process which gives both partners an opportunity to hear what they need to hear. Intuitively, I knew that Carolyn needed to hear her dad say, “I have faith in you”. The phrase just popped into my mind. I also felt that Mike needed to hear that he was enough as a father.

It was extremely touching to do this bonding ritual of using a whole brain movement and taking turns telling each other what we needed to hear. We cried tears of joy and happiness. I feel so honoured to have been able to allow Carolyn to connect with her dad again.”

bridge & light

Aliesha:

“At the Advanced Psych K Workshop my intention was to work on myself with a focus on releasing the sadness that I hold, especially when it comes to my Father’s death.  I was 9 years old when he died and just 7 years old when he was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma Cancer.  I was very close to my Dad when he died, I was ‘Daddy’s little girl’ and so his death was especially traumatic for me.

I only had to look at Andrew, who was surrogating for my Dad, Ward and I started to cry.  Andrew had similar facial features to my Dad.  I can’t put into words the way Andrew looked at me, I was looking at my Dad.  When the facilitator muscle tested both us, my Dad was strong and I went weak.  I had many weak points and that didn’t surprise me.  His death has had a huge impact on my life.  Each time I turned to face my Dad I started to cry.  I could just feel how much I missed him.  What was interesting though, as we balanced the statements, I could feel myself starting feel better, stronger, lighter somehow.  When it came time to the statements, I was to come up with both of them.  In the moment, there were so many things to say but only a few came to mind.  ‘I miss you so much Dad’ was mine and his was ‘I wanted to be here for you, I never wanted to leave’.

I never felt like I had the opportunity to say goodbye to my Dad, and I always felt that if I was somehow different, he’d still be here.  So to hear those words from him, I was touched beyond words.  The best part though, I got to hug him and what a beautifully long hug!  At that point we just exchanged words and I said, “I know I have to let you go, but I don’t want to.” And that’s when he said “I love you, I’m always with you; you’re always in my heart and just look inside your heart, that’s where you’ll always find me.”

This experience was incredibly touching for me.  It’s easy to try and tell yourself something consciously, it’s another to experience how deep the wounds go and how light you can feel after.  I don’t know how to put into words how I felt after, except lighter, more compassion for myself and faith that he’s still with me, still my Dad and I don’t feel nearly as sad.  I am deeply grateful for the experience and would do it again in a heartbeat!!“

 

A relationship balance can shift a relationship to one which is free of triggers and more loving, or it can bring closure to a relationship.

To do a PSYCH-K® Relationship Balance or a Shadow Energetics Relationship Alignment with somebody who is still alive or who has passed on contact

Angelika

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

905-286-9466

Responsibility for Co-Creating ALL Our Experiences

Mother’s Day—like Christmas—seems to be one of those days which are heavy with expectations and emotions.

When asking my clients how their mother’s day weekend unfolded, it didn’t surprise me all that much that a few people experienced disappointment when their own limiting beliefs surfaced. Those beliefs range from “I am not appreciated” to “I never get what I want” on the side of the mothers, and “I can never make my mother happy” and “I am not good enough” on the side of the children. Clients related communications to me that clearly went less than desirable due to the fact that limiting beliefs and negative expectations were brought into the interaction.

Sometimes we manage to ruin an entire day for ourselves due to those “programs” running in our head. Yes, you read that correctly. WE ruin the day, not our family members who didn’t do or say what we wanted them to do.

 

Do you sometimes have experiences like that which you do not enjoy? You can change them! It is up to every single one of us, no matter whether we are parent or child, wife or husband, to create the family experiences we want. When we feel a day “not going right” it is up to us to change the experience.

Be honest with yourself about your part in the unsuccessful creation. Stop blaming the other family members and take responsibility for shifting the energy.

Do your loved ones trigger your own beliefs, fears or insecurities? Then take responsibility for them. Other people are only mirroring what is inside of you. Do you have needs that aren’t being met? Then make clear and loving requests. Do you want to enjoy the day? Then do it!

You are the pivotal point of your experience. You are the one feeling a certain way. You are the one who gives the experiences in your life a certain meaning. At any given point during a day, you can shift out of disappointment or resentment and into appreciation and joy.

Isn’t it wonderful that you are responsible for co-creating ALL your experiences? That means YOU can change what unfolds for you.

 

 

PSYCH-K® is a technique to change your limiting subconscious beliefs and to help you create loving relationships and experiences you want to have. Shadow Work helps you to understand mirrors and get rid of triggers and judgments which are in the way of being truly loving and accepting with each other.

Contact Angelika for Belief Change Coaching

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

905-286-9466

The Magic Potion to Create Harmonious and Loving Relationships

Are you struggling with your relationship with a particular family member, perhaps with a parent, sibling or child?

Is your marriage or partnership not harmonious or truly loving?

Are you single and do you want to attract a romantic relationship into your life?

Are you getting separated or divorced, and do you want the transition to be as positive as possible?

 

If I had a magic potion and could give you the relationships you want, what would that look like?

Guess what! YOU have that magic potion yourself. You can create relationships that unfold with ease, joy, and grace. Your relationships can be filled with love, harmony, peace, happiness, and acceptance. Even your relationship with an ex-partner can be cooperative and friendly.

All you have to do is mix your magic potion in the right way; the basic ingredients are working on your own beliefs, thoughts and feelings, and embodying loving kindness, forgiveness and acceptance.

We can never change another person but we can change ourselves. As you change your perception of the relationship you have to another person—as you shift how you feel about him/her and what he/she did—your entire experience changes.

The people we love are usually the best mirrors for us. They bring to our awareness issues we need to work on within ourselves. We can then shift out of judgment and into acceptance. As we confront and befriend the shadows they are showing us in our own being, we no longer get triggered by those loved ones.

Behind every experience there are beliefs and expectations.

If I judge a family member or partner, the relationship will lack mutual acceptance, appreciation and love. The change begins with me changing my judgments and feelings.

If I believe that I am not lucky with romantic relationships, “not being lucky” will be exactly the experience I have. The change starts with moving into a new expectation.

If I view my ex-partner as an enemy, the relationship will be one of disharmony. Change can happen when I am willing to let go of the past  and expect the best now and in the future.

For Shadow Work or Belief Changes with Psych-K and Hypnosis, contact Angelika

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

905-286-9466

Healing in a Safe Space

NEW SHADOW ENERGETICS WORKSHOP with Darryl Gurney

September 20-23 in Kitchener

September 26 -29 in St. Thomas (near London)

November 14-17 in Toronto (Leslie/Queen)

 

In this four minute long you tube video Darryl explains the Shadow Energetics work

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3kFHOqGsbs

 

I highly recommend this workshop to anyone who is on the path toward self-empowerment. Here is my own experience:

Even though I have been in the mind-body field for ten years and have done lots of inner work on my self one of my relationships was still less than perfect – the one with my father – when my friend Darryl announced his new workshop. I was curious to try out Darryl’s relationship alignment to work on the relationship with my father.

Another male participant stood in for my father as the facilitator muscle tested the seven chakras. All the issues that came up made perfect sense. We worked through each of the chakras that were out of alignment either for me, or for my father. The process was deeply emotional and left me feeling cleansed and vibrating at a high level of heart energy.

Two days later, I called my father. Before I dialed his number, I put myself back into that heart space. I was blown away by how much the energy had changed. The conversation was a completely different one than ever before in my life. It was loving, respectful, supportive and very calm. My father let me speak, instead of interrupting me; he listened and I experienced him as non-judgmental but interested. I felt pure love in my heart, was adapting to his slower pace and delivering my opinion on different topics more softly and calmly. For the first time in my life, he actually listened to my opinion without ridiculing it. I thoroughly enjoyed the entire conversation. Instead of dreading those phone calls, I now look forward to them. We speak twice a week and have long loving conversations full of laughter. He does not trigger me anymore, nor do I trigger him. I can say that the past is truly healed.

We all have people in our lives whom we struggle with. The Shadow Energetics Workshop contains many deeply-touching techniques to become whole and to heal our relationships.

 

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

905-286-9466