Embracing the 50+ Years

I just finished watching the new episodes of the Netflix series “The Crown”. While season one and two had actually endeared “The Queen” to me and allowed me to shift my perspective of this powerful and dignified figure, so I could see her humanity, the third season had—and not just due to a change in actors—a bit of a different effect on me. It had me reflect on how we as women manage to combine our power, wisdom and kindness in the second half of our lives. How does becoming older affect our self-image and our relationships?

Olivia Colman stars as Queen Elizabeth II in Netflix’s The Crown.

Some of us stay stuck in fear, in being inauthentic and not speaking up because that is what was role modeled to us as “politeness” and the only way to be as females. Others, newly aware of their power and position, might be tempted to set their boundaries by ripping into others under the pretense of speaking their truth. The women that I admire speak their truth, but with consciousness, kindness and warmth, always aware that others do their best and are not out to get them. We all might react too strongly when we feel overwhelmed. The key is to readjust back onto a path of heart-centredness. Compassion and understanding does not only show up in what we say, but also in how we deliver it. We can speak and express what we are guided to say from a place of clarity, with compassion and understanding.

Christiane Northrup coined the term “Alpha Goddess” for the perimenopausal or postmenopausal woman who has come into her own. When we have entered that “second spring of our life”, self-care and self-development become priorities, as wellness expos show—they are primarily visited by women of that age group. We feel it is our time to accept ourselves fully the way we are with all our strengths and weaknesses.

“They know their strength because they have experienced significant loss and come through it.” (Northrup, Goddesses Never Age) We have learned to ask for help when we need it and that overall we are smart and capable. We have learned to put matters into perspective and trust that everything will pass. As mature woman we are very much aware of the fact that “no” is a complete sentence, which is liberating. We are free from the need to prove ourselves. “We look back and see that we didn’t do so badly after all. Maybe we have some regrets and maybe we disappointed some people, but that’s part of being human” (Northrup, Goddesses Never Age). Sometimes we simply need a fellow Goddess to remind us that we are doing well.

We know that we do not need to let ourselves be pulled into other people’s drama, summarized so beautifully by the phrase “not my circus, not my monkeys”. We also recognize when a friend needs us to hold a loving space or when it is time to reach out to a professional.

Being a coach and supporting others, I have strong wise women supporting me not only as friends, but also in the role of a therapist or a coach. Depending on what is going on in my life, I reach out to either one of the latter. I admire and trust them, yet they are also human. They might not always be able to give me what I need. In fact, my therapist, despite having known me for several years, missed the mark the other day. When that happens, we can slink away quietly and not reach out to that person anymore, or we can speak up. A good practitioner will listen and be grateful when you speak up. In fact, when I let her know that in the particular situation I did not need her to go into problem solving mode for me, but I simply needed to be heard and held in my vulnerability, she replied with a simple heartfelt “I am sorry” and the acknowledgment that she sometimes misses the mark when we do a phone session rather than an in-person session. I admire and value her for that response and unless she repeatedly misses the mark despite me speaking up, I see no need to end this relationship.

The same applies to our friendships. “Alpha Goddesses know how to make new friends but keep the old—but they only hang on to those longstanding friendships if they’re vitalizing instead of draining” (Northrup, Goddesses Never Age). There are friends and family members who drain our energy with drama or other toxic interactions, but as we refuse to be pulled into their turmoil, they naturally fall away. We can release them and let them go with understanding and forgiveness.

I have recently become newly aware of who some of my true friends are. They are not our social media connections that we are sometimes so busily feeding, but those friends who you can be vulnerable with because you know they feel confident in themselves and are far beyond competition between women, status, gossip or pettiness.

Some of them are my age, but that is not even the main requirement for a supportive nurturing relationship. One of my dearest friends is 84 and she will be reading this blog as she follows with interest what is going on in my life. She is curious and young at heart, while being wise and kind. She is one of the women I admire most. If I only have half of her spunk and joy for life when I am her age, I will be fortunate. Another one is in her early 30’s, who also is wise beyond her earthly years, and I am grateful to have a friend who is like a third daughter. And then there are a handful of amazing women my age who I consider to be part of my tribe. Our relationships are equal. One day they need me, another day I need them to remind me of who I am and can be. I know I can reach out to them at any time and that I will be received without judgment.

They have boundaries where necessary, are aware of their feelings and of their own baggage. They are able to be kind and honest with themselves. We all are triggered or judgmental at times. The question is what do we do with those emotions and judgments? Do we choose to rip into others and kick them to the curb when they do not fall in line, or do we acknowledge our flaws and work on stepping into our true self?

To get back to the Queen in the Netflix series, she mostly stands alone and she hardens over time. She is unable to connect with vulnerability or love to her children or most other people. She finds peace with her dogs and especially her horses, but in my mind she misses out on what it truly means to be this amazing age of 50+.

What the women I love and admire have in common is, in my opinion, the most important quality in any man or woman: they see with their hearts. They are smart yet have the most loving view of others. They have managed to step into their power and being authentically themselves while treating others with kindness. They all are true Goddesses in my mind, when most of them wouldn’t even think of themselves in that way. I am proud and grateful to have each of them in my life.

 

Contact me (Angelika) for sessions at

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

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Giving Birth to A New Year

I just had a birthday, one of those that are supposed to be a big deal. I had a truly wonderful get-away with family and some of my closest friends, yet this transition into a new decade of my life did not unfold completely smoothly. This had me contemplating the mix of emotions which can come up prior to a birthday.

I have always felt a certain heaviness and sensitivity around the time of my birthday, and this year even more so. And had you asked me why, I would have told you that I wasn’t quite sure, couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Each year, I wondered if it was the fall and the upcoming winter that felt sad, or the hopes and expectations for the day itself which felt heavy. I knew it had nothing to do with getting older per se. I do believe that with each passing year we become wiser and that each new decade of our life brings new adventures and gifts. Yet, the emotions around this time of year always felt a bit like grief.

alone-depressed-grieving

This year, my wise friend Dhebi DeWitz said something that really resonated with me. She reassured me, that “it is not uncommon with the week or two weeks leading up to a birthday to feel the heaviness of the old birth year ending and the energies die off that go with it. Just ride it through and know that it is a cycle coming to an end. Then things start fresh energetically with the birth of your new year.”

Her words prompted me to start an internet search. I was amazed how many articles I came across on the topic of “birthday blues”, “birthday depression” or “birthday sadness”. I had no idea this was such a wide spread phenomenon. We all know what birthdays are supposed to be like. They are supposed to be joyous occasions, a time of celebration, a time when friends remember friends and families get together. It suddenly dawned on me that just like Christmas, Mother’s Day or other holidays which are overloaded with expectations, birthdays can also be challenging for several different reasons.

  1. As Dhebi pointed out, something old ends and something new begins. We might need to experience some feelings of grief and of letting the old go as we open up to the new year, or even new decade of our life. There is an energetic shift. That energetic shift can be exhilarating, but may also come with apprehension about the unknown. A birthday can be bitter sweet and that is alright.
  2. 2. Unless you are like my uncle—who literally hopes everybody will forget his birthday—we often have a need for this day to be more significant than other days. Some of our essential needs are the need for appreciation, love and celebration. It is natural that we are hoping for the day to be out of the ordinary and to feel significant or special, celebrated and appreciated.

celebration 2

What we have to be aware of, however, is the tendency to measure people’s love for us by how they respond to our birthday. Everybody has a different love language, and while some people are very good at giving gifts or words of affection, others are better at showing their affection through spending quality time with us or by doing something for us (acts of service). It also all depends on how much value others attribute to birthdays in general. It is easy to misinterpret somebody’s action or non-action in regards to our birthday and make it mean something it does not mean at all.

  1. Just like the end of a calendar year and the beginning of a new one, a birthday can also mark a point where we are contemplating our goals and where we are at in life. Suddenly, a certain goal we have not achieved stands out more, or a particular milestone has not been accomplished. When we are struggling with work, relationships or fertility issues, certain birthdays can be a trigger for sadness or depression. We might have hoped to be at a certain point in our career, or to own a house, or to be married / in a long term relationship at a certain age, or we might feel we are running out of time in regards to having children. We are experiencing grief in regards to our dreams, yet, we are expected to be happy on this special day of ours. Whether a birthday is depressing or joyful largely depends on those artificial deadlines we have set for ourselves.

dreams-house-marriage-children

As humans, we are capable of organizing our life into past, present and future. We have a certain life expectancy and particular birthdays can be more emotional because the number represents something to us. At 20 we are not a teen anymore, at 21 we are considered to be even more of an adult, 25 is the completion of a quarter of a century, 30, 40, 50, 60 and so on mark the beginning of a new decade, 50 is half a century, at 65 we are considered senior citizens, perhaps when we turn 76 or 83 or 87, we wonder how much longer we have because one or both of our parents died at that age, and so on.

  1. Another factor that influences how satisfied we are around our birthday is conscious or unconscious childhood memories of happy or unhappy birthdays. Perhaps, we mourn the long-gone magic of a childhood birthday. Or perhaps, we have had disappointing experiences and we have learned limiting beliefs about ourselves, about deserving and about celebrations. That experienced disappointment might literally be stuck in our body and energy field and can easily be triggered again, unless we release the emotion.

boy-crying

  1. We might not be fortunate enough to have someone in our life who organizes a party or other birthday celebration, and there is work and stress involved in planning the event. That stress is magnified when we feel grief about having to plan and prepare ourselves. How much that sadness hits us depends again on our beliefs, our unfulfilled needs and longings and what meaning we attribute to a particular birthday.

If you are experiencing confusing emotions or heaviness around your birthday, know you are not alone and just ride it through, as Dhebi recommended. You are allowed to laugh and cry, to feel happy and sad, to celebrate and mourn, and to embrace the wide range of your emotions fully, no matter what day it is.

I embrace all my emotions

To release stuck emotions, discover more about your needs and how to meet them, or change subconscious beliefs, using PSYCH-K®, Shadow Energetics or L.E.E.P. (Life Enhancing Energy Processes created by Dhebi DeWitz) please contact

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

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