You Are My Valued Tor-Mentor

In my last article called “Relationship Dance” we met Sue and John, who were caught up in a dynamic of one of them retreating and the other one pursuing. There are other patterns we fall into as a couple.

Karen and Frank came in because they agreed that Frank’s anger and jealousy was destroying their relationship. Their dance was that, whenever he was stressed and upset, she tried to rationalize with him. She wanted to show him that there was no reason to feel stressed. However, the more she rationalized, the more he felt judged and not heard, and the angrier he usually became.

A similar dynamic was going on in regards to Frank feeling jealous of Karen’s relationship with her two adult sons from her first marriage. Karen was dismissive of his insecurities and told him that her sons would always be more important than he was. The more jealous and angry he became, the more Karen wanted to avoid him and not even come home but rather stay the night at one of her sons’ homes when she visited them.

Both partners show up in this dance taken over by their protective parts. Frank’s protectors are jealousy and anger. Karen’s protectors are the rational part, a dismissive part and a part that wants her to hide or run.

We have learned to exile our sensitive and vulnerable child parts. Those parts in us are often love-starved and carry limiting beliefs about relationships. We enter intimate partnerships and hope to get the love those exiles crave from our partner. Because our vulnerable child parts are clingy, needy or feel inadequate, our partner often ends up feeling overburdened or not good enough. Due to the fact that we are disconnected from our own vulnerable inner children, we end up judging each other for having exiled parts and protective behaviours.

Internal Family Systems work, or short IFS, offers a solution to this seemingly impossible cycle. We all have a source of love within us referred to as “Self”. This is our compassionate core essence. From Self, we can retrieve our exiled wounded child parts and become the primary caretaker for them. When we take good care of our own parts and they trust us, they don’t have to take over. The exiled children don’t have to desperately bond into our partner. Our protective parts, like the controlling one, or the angry one, or the retreating one, can also relax, instead of dominating the interactions. That makes it easier for our partner to be the secondary caretaker of our vulnerable inner children.

In our sessions, Karen was able to witness how the angry and jealous protectors were revealing some very vulnerable younger parts inside of Frank. When Frank was 5, his dad died, and when he was 8, his mother surprisingly remarried while Frank was staying at his grandparents. When he came home, everything had changed. The little boy experienced a tremendous amount of grief over first losing his dad and then losing the close connection with his mother. He never grew to like the step-father, who he felt was an intruder. When his mom remarried, he felt betrayed and abandoned. He had learned that the people he loves will leave him and betray him.

Using IFS, he was able to re-parent himself and assist his younger selves to let go of the beliefs and emotions they were carrying. After releasing these burdens, his protectors were able to relax. His jealousy as well as his anger were greatly reduced. Karen gained more empathy for him and helped him to work through any remaining jealousy issues. She made sure that she included him in talks and activities with her sons and their families. She started reassuring Frank on a regular basis with words of affirmation that his feelings were as important as her sons’ and that she had no intention of abandoning him.

Karen did her own parts work to discover that underneath her rational part was a younger self that felt overburdened by taking care of her bi-polar mother. Just as Frank’s protectors were triggered by Karen, Karen was triggered by Frank reacting “irrationally” and “unpredictably” just like her mother. The rational voice had become her survival strategy to cope with being the emotional caretaker of a parent. At the same time, she felt resentment about needing to be the caretaker and transferred that to Frank. The retreating protector of hers would also kick in and would instruct her “to run away”, just like she did when she was 16 and moved in with her uncle and aunt.

Karen reparented her vulnerable younger exiled parts as well. Frank began to understand how Karen’s responses had nothing to do with him but everything to do with her childhood experiences. He learned to calmly let her know in different situations that he appreciated her being rational but that he needed her to non-judgmentally acknowledge his feelings.

Our relationships are without doubt our greatest teachers. When our partner pushes our buttons, we are given an opportunity to heal. Schwartz talks about our partner being our “tor-mentor”. Our partner mentors us by giving us an experience of pain and bringing the old attachment wounds to the surface.

“…our partner can be an invaluable tor-mentor—that is, a person who mentors us by tormenting us. It is very difficult to find all our basement children when we’re not in an intimate relationship because often we only become aware of them when they are triggered by an intimate partner. Inevitably, our partner will act like an early caretaker who hurt us, and we will have an extreme reaction—and attachment re-injury. If we follow the trail of emotion to its inner source, we will find yet another exile in need of our love.” (Richard Schwartz, You Are the One You Have Been Waiting For)

 

Join me on Sunday, August 12 for a workshop in Mississauga from 9:30 a.m. – 5:30 p.m. You will learn how to work with your parts, especially the critical inner voices and transform them, how to parent your inner child parts and heal them, and how to acquire the ability to lead more and more from Self. For more information or to register, please call me.

If you are curious about finding out more about working with your parts contact me for a free phone consultation. I offer sessions for individuals and couples.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

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Influences of a Distant Past

In 2004, I was walking down the stairs in our house with my youngest daughter Tia who was just three years old at the time. All our family photos were hung up chronologically on the wall by the stairs. Suddenly, the little one stopped with a faraway look on her face. Absentmindedly but very seriously, she said to me, “I had to come to this family, you know.”

Intrigued, I softly asked, “Why?” After a short pause, she replied, “Because I had to be with Cara again.” My curiosity was piqued. Excitedly, I prompted her to tell me more, but just as this strange altered state had come over her, it disappeared instantly. The next moment, she was a regular little three-year-old once again, happily bouncing down the stairs.

Cara & Tia montage

Cara is Tia’s 5½ year older sister. The two girls have the closest and most loving and supportive relationship I have ever seen in siblings. They are opposites in many ways, yet best friends who always have each others back. They would make an adorable couple, but in this life, they have chosen to be siblings.

Around that time that my youngest told me so matter of factly that she had to come to this family, I was just about to start my hypnosis training. One of the ways to access past life memories in your subconscious mind is through hypnosis. The past life regression is a two hour session in which the client is guided back to two childhood memories from this life and—if everything goes by the book—to two previous lives. This somewhat time intensive method is best for clients who are very visual. Seeing and feeling firsthand what occurred in the past is step one of understanding and healing.

After many years of offering these past life regressions in hypnosis, I feel that muscle testing is a faster way of accessing the information about what interference patterns have been carried over from a past life. Even though our physical body dies with each incarnation, consciousness itself is continuous and the energy of unprocessed traumatic experiences remains in our energy field. Instead of spending a two hour session on entering into a hypnotic state and accessing the memories mostly in a visual way, we can, within a very short time, muscle test the information necessary.

muscle testing 3

We can muscle test the time period, gender, age, social and financial status and whether the interference pattern was created on your own or in relationship to others. We can figure out what chakra was affected and what the cause of the conflict was. When we have a basic understanding of what happened, we can focus on healing the interference pattern. I find that often forgiveness work will help to bring closure to the past life and clear out the hold that the distant past still has over the person. Other times, an emotion needs to be released or beliefs learned in that life need to be changed.

Interference patterns from past lives are not the only way we are affected by experiences prior to our birth. Epigenetics has shown how the cellular memory or DNA affects the next generations to come. Energy is never lost and is still contained within the consciousness of one family.

Dhebi DeWitz explains: “Our ancestor’s experiences, beliefs, and emotions leave an impression, a molecular scar or adhesion, on our DNA and in our lives. Those adhesions that permanently attach to the DNA can be replicated right along with it through the next generations. If someone in your ancestral lineage experienced hardships, tremendous trauma, world disaster, Holocaust, famine, injustice, a scalping, or suffering of some kind, the chemistry from that stressful experience, to some degree, becomes imprinted on your DNA.” (DeWitz, “The Messenger Within”)

These DNA imprints can affect our perceptions, behaviours and life experiences and with it our relationships, our prosperity, our health, and our overall level of fear versus trust.

Influences of a distant past - familytree1

One of my clients had an ancestral line in which all the women on her mother’s side, right back to her great-grandmother or even further, endured great hardships, experiencing wars, deaths, raising their children on their own and having to be really strong and self-sufficient. She herself had grown up hearing that she also was a strong woman. With that ancestral lineage, it can be challenging to embrace our softer side. My client was also concerned about continuing this family pattern. Rather than being a strong woman coping alone, she would like to manifest an equal partnership of mutually supporting each other.

When I guided her through the ancestral healing process, she had the vision of the men in her family coming together to join the women. They had been there all along. She had the insight that the women were strong yet supported by the men in the background. For herself and her female ancestors, the healing opens up a future of not having to continue the pattern of struggling alone.

Dhebi describes a case in her book of a female client in her mid-50s who had been struggling in her business. During the process, the client noticed a cloud of dark, heavy energy along her father’s side of her linage. Her grandfather had lost a fortune during the Great Depression. After clearing out this pattern, the client reported back that her business was flowing without difficulty now, everything lining up and falling into place.

When we make the choice to heal our ancestral lineage on both our father’s and on our mother’s side, we bring a higher level of consciousness into our lineage line which affects us as well as our children and grandchildren positively.

To do some past life or ancestral healing work contact

Angelika, 905-286-9466 greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

To facilitate your own healing work I highly recommend “The Messenger Within” by Dhebi DeWitz. One of the downloadable resources is a guided shamanic process to energetically clear both lines of generational imprints. The guided process will also be available on the Heart and Soul Academy website as an audio version.

If you enjoyed my post, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen. A related blog you might be interested in is Children Remembering Past Life Memories