The Patriarch and Matriarch Within

Have you heard statements like “men just don’t know how to be caring and nurturing”, “men are responsible for the mess this world is in” and “if it were up to women, there would be no wars”? Or “men think with their penises and only want one thing”? Or what about, “If men had to give birth, the human race would be extinct”?

When we ask ourselves honestly, in the tradition of Byron Katie, “is this true?” and “can we absolutely know this is true?” we have to admit that these statements reflect the speaker’s opinion and belief system. All these statements are generalizations based on certain beliefs. They are just as untrue and general as saying “women should leave high profile jobs with good salaries to men”, or “women should stay home for the children”, or “a woman’s place is in the kitchen”, or “cleaning is women’s work”, or “women are more emotional and less rational than men”.

The latter statements we might categorize as chauvinistic and patronizing. We can see that they have originated from a patriarchal world view. We fancy ourselves modern enough not to buy into the idea that women are inferior to men. We feel they deserve equal rights and opportunities. Yet, what is going on in our subconscious mind? What beliefs have we been conditioned with in regards to gender?

In the Psychology of Selves, we have a model of the different parts in us which all make up who we are. There is also a part in us who has learned the patriarchal beliefs and has become the voice of the Patriarch inside of us. The Inner Patriarch voice sees women as inferior. While the outer patriarchy is visible and can be called out on its lack of truth or gender equality, the inner voice is sneaky. It is the invisible force that holds women back to be whole human beings and to freely choose the life they want to live.

That Inner Patriarch voice might be saying that the needs of men are more important; or that being a woman, it is not okay to speak up to a man, to say “no” to him, to disagree with him and/or be assertive. Or it might be reflected in a fear that it is not safe to be a woman in this world. The voice may be convinced that a woman is not as good in math and science and not capable of repairing things; that women in important positions cannot be trusted; or that a single woman or divorced women is a spinster who in some way is lacking and unable to catch a man.

When I first came across the concept of the Inner Patriarch, I was convinced that I had none of those beliefs. I had to admit that they existed in my psyche as well and determined certain feelings, decisions or behaviours. They sometimes sit deep in our subconscious mind. We are so used to them that we do not even recognize them anymore, but we might wonder why we feel and act one way and not another.

What about men? Do they have a similar inner voice that holds them back? What happens to a man who grows up without a confident male role model in a household of women who dislike males? A boy who has a strong mother figure who disapproves of or ridicules his feelings and behaviours just because he is male? For example, a controlling, overbearing mother or step-mother who secretly feels threatened by his masculinity and makes sure that all male energy is labelled as unacceptable.

The Inner Matriarch is proud of women. That part has a high respect for women and for traditionally feminine traits. She is a warrior: neither impressed nor intimidated by men. As such, this voice serves women and balances out the Inner Patriarch. The Inner Matriarch thinks women are actually far superior to men. They are stronger—even if not always physically—able to endure pain better, cleverer because they won’t be played by other women like men will; they are more mature and realize what is really important; they are in touch with their feelings; they are more compassionate, caring, loving and much more intuitive; thus they must be the better healers and spiritually much more advanced.

Sidra Stone - quoteThe Inner Matriarch voice can support women not to be ashamed, apologetic or defensive about being a woman. The Inner Matriarch encourages women to be proud of themselves. However, it puts down not only men but traditionally male qualities in men and women.

What happens when a man grows up hearing all the time that men are inferior to women because only women are biologically capable of taking care of what is really important? He feels the judgement of the women raising him and experiences that speaking up, standing up for himself and his needs, and claiming his male power is looked down upon or even smothered in the core.

I believe that this can only go two ways. Either the man grows up over-identifying with the traditional male qualities of power, competition, and being disconnected from his own and other people’s emotions. More often than not, however, the result is a man who is deeply insecure in his own masculinity and is afraid to speak up to strong women. Although intuitive and longing to step into traditionally more feminine qualities while still maintaining his masculinity, he is hesitant to claim his wholeness.

More and more men seem to be lost. They don’t know how to be compassionate, caring, loving, intuitive males who at the same time are strong, confident, self-assured and powerful. If they have learned that there is something wrong with traditionally more masculine qualities and that as males they are just never as good in traditionally feminine roles, they find themselves between a rock and a hard place.

The future of the human race, however, lies in the hands of all of us, men and women. Our planet needs both the Divine Feminine as well as the Divine Masculine. We need whole human beings who are loving, compassionate, caring, nurturing, cooperative, passive, introverted, emotional and at the same time strong, assertive, powerful, active, extroverted and rational—independent of their gender.

If you want to work on separation from the Inner Patriarch and/or the Inner Matriarch, or change other limiting beliefs into more supportive beliefs please contact

Angelika

Belief Change Coaching & Shadow Work

Tel. 905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

If you enjoy my posts, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

Snapshot Moments

Do you know that feeling when you can’t help but think your heart is going to burst? Driving home from dinner on Friday night with my family and two of my best friends, I had one of those moments which I call a “snapshot moment”. The kids started singing and in no time, all six of us were singing “Lean On Me”. My heart was overflowing with boundless joy and deep love. It was a simple yet powerful moment in time. And there is a part in me who takes somewhat of a kinaesthetic snapshot at that moment to eternalize this memory.

Sometimes a heartfelt experience is a small moment like being together and connecting through a smile, words or music, through love and trust; sometimes a snapshot moment can be an important moment, a significant episode.

snapshot moment 2

One of my favourite snapshot moments is holding my first daughter just after she was born. I can instantly recall the feeling in my heart which I had as I was looking into her eyes. It was the end of a five year long fertility struggle. She was a surprise baby who, according to the doctors, was not supposed to have existed. She was the greatest gift I had ever received up to that point.

A heart-opening snapshot moment is usually full of love, laughter, inner peace, deep gratitude, aliveness, flowing in the moment, feeling complete or having a sense of unity and bliss.

snapshot moments 3

Love is the impulse towards unity. In a snapshot moment there is no separation between you and others. Your heart is so full that there is no room for fear-based emotions like greed, jealousy, envy, resentment, anger, inferiority or not feeling good enough. We instinctively know the truth of who we are. There is no doubt that we are perfectly lovable and absolutely enough exactly the way we are.

In Holoenergetics® and Shadow Energetics® we use these loving memories to bring up heart-felt feelings in the centre of our chest to shift energy and to heal ourselves, others and our relationships through love. We do this, among other things, by embracing our dark or light shadows or by clearing and balancing the energy in relationships to each other.

Why do we utilize the power of love? Because love is the universal harmonic, the desire for unity. “While love can take many forms, its essence is relatedness. We can become aware of this relatedness or non-separation, which always exists. We can experience and feel it as the impulse toward unity, and we can express and manifest it through our actions.” (Leonard Laskow, Love as a Healing Force)

Because love dissolves all separation and smooths all chaos it is a powerful healing energy and the one catalyst for transformation. Our inability to love ourselves or to receive love from others is the source of most of our physical or emotional issues. As children we often receive mixed messages about love. During the process of growing up we are taught that we are separate and not safe. We develop a “me/us against them” consciousness. In her beautiful audio CD Your Heart’s Prayer, Oriah Mountain Dreamer shifts our experience by suggesting we say “some of us” instead of “they”. She then even takes it a step further and exchanges “some of us” with “part of me”. Hate and fear dissolve into understanding and love when we shift our consciousness towards unity.

Heart in Sky 1

Our struggles with love and with deep-seated feelings of separation are the result of our childhood experiences of conditional love or what felt like conditional love. Or we had experiences of abandonment, humiliation, rejection or betrayal. Those experiences lead to feelings of unworthiness, shame, and guilt that we are “not enough”. Shame, guilt and unworthiness breed physical and emotional illness.

When illness manifests in our body, we can choose to remain focused on symptoms and treating those, or we can go to the source of the disorder and transform it. This means going into ourselves, into our heart, to that part of our being that maintains the sense of unity instead of feelings of separation, isolation, fear or pain. It means choosing love, joy and peace within your mind and body. Nothing is more important than the feeling of self-love and happiness inside.

Being happy is the cornerstone of all that you are! Nothing is more important than that you feel good! And you have absolute and utter control about that because you can choose the thought that makes you worry or the thought that makes you happy; the things that thrill you, or the things that worry you. You have the choice in every moment.

—Abraham

What is your favourite snapshot memory? How often do you connect with one of those memories? How often do you laugh? How often do you hug your inner child and check in with her/his needs? How often do you connect with the love your true essence has for you, all part of you?

If you are enjoying my posts you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the follow button in the right hand corner of your screen.

To experience Holoenenergetics®, Shadow Work, Hypnosis or Belief Changes through PSYCH-K®, or to take part in a workshop

contact Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

Trapped Emotions

Do you feel like you are struggling under the weight of something? Does it seem challenging to feel peace, joy, love or even acceptance? Does it perhaps feel like you are weighed down by a particular emotion, like sadness, fear or anger?

Emotional Release - Scrabble 1

Sometimes a traumatic or emotionally charged experience leaves an energy behind in our body. Instead of simply experiencing the feeling and moving through it, the energy of the emotion becomes trapped in the physical body. These trapped emotions can cause disruptions in our relationships, as well as physical pain, dysfunction and even disease.

Maria had a traumatic break up. Even after two years she had a hard time seeing her ex-husband. The emotions of betrayal, disappointment and bitterness were stuck in her body. After releasing them and doing some other work to step into her own power, she was able to move on.

Chris lost his partner in an accident. The emotions he had to release were shock and despair, and at a later point sorrow and abandonment. Shortly after he released all his trapped emotions and did some further grief work, he met his new partner Paul. Chris and Paul just moved in together.

Janet had a fight with her sister which led to them not speaking for ten years. She felt deeply misunderstood and the emotion got trapped in her body. Once she released the emotion, she felt able to contact her sister. They are rebuilding their relationship.

If your body is holding a long-term trapped emotion, we have to take a look at what is going on energetically. The emotion is an energy within you vibrating at a certain frequency and you automatically attract more of that frequency into your life. A trapped emotion can persist for many years and be the cause for us experiencing similar emotions over and over again.

If disappointment is trapped, you will find yourself in a never ending cycle of being disappointed with others and yourself. If feeling attacked is trapped inside you, you will feel attacked by others all the time. If abandonment is trapped, you might struggle with feeling alone. If mistrust is trapped, you might find yourself attracting people you cannot trust or think you cannot trust.

Each emotion is related to an organ, respectively a pair of meridians. Anger, for example, is related to your liver, bitterness to the gall bladder, fear to your kidneys, grief to your heart and so on. The emotion originates from that specific organ but can get stuck anywhere in your body. Sometimes the area of a physical issue holds several trapped emotions.

Once you have released a trapped emotion, it is gone for good. That doesn’t mean that you will not feel that feeling again. It means that the emotional charge, the grip the emotion had over you, will be gone for good.

Releasing trapped emotions from a place of self-love and forgiveness improves the relationship you have with yourself, as well as with others. It can also help to let go of pain and can heal physical problems. It significantly improves your quality of life. It gives you the freedom to vibrate at a higher level of acceptance, love, joy and eventually deep peace.

BWWE March 2014 Table

Spring 2014

Visit me at The Green Door Relaxation Booth, booth # 2 in the Harvester Hall at the Burlington Wholistic Wellness Expo on Sunday, May 31 between 12:00 and 6:00, to experience PSYCH-K® or the release of a trapped emotion from your body.

You can still buy tickets today for $25. At the door the tickets are $30 plus HST. Contact me by email or phone:

Angelika, 905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

You don’t know if you have a trapped emotion? We can muscle test and ask your higher self if you are holding on to an emotion and if it is in the highest wisdom and benefit to release this charge at this time.

BWWE September 2014 Table

Fall 2014

Do you want to learn muscle testing and releasing emotions from your body? The Emotional Release process is one of many techniques you will learn in the Shadow Energetics Workshop on June 18-21.

What is Our Light Shadow?

Who do you admire? What do you admire that person for?

I conducted a little survey asking these two questions, and the answers reached from singers and athletes to Jesus. The interesting thing about asking such questions is which insights the answers give us about our own dreams and desires. When we have a role model, or simply somebody we know and think highly of, it is the energy of that person—the traits we perceive them to have—which holds the magical pull for us. Just as we all have a dark shadow, we also all have a light shadow. The dark shadow is the traits that we judge in others. Our light shadow is the traits that we admire in others and feel that we are not.

One of the public people I find fascinating and admire is the Dalai Lama. He personifies the energies of spirituality, wisdom, peace, loving kindness, joy and laughter for me. He clearly vibrates at a higher level than most humans on this earth.

Dalai Lama - pulling beard

Now, why him and not another spiritual and peaceful leader? Beyond his spiritualism, he fully lives what was a light shadow of mine for the longest time. He has a childlike innocence, a playful joy, what even shows up as a carefree nature. He can be silly and laugh at little things. Growing up in a German household, I learned very early on that there was no place for silliness. One had to behave maturely. After all, life is a serious matter. Or is it?

Of course it only is if you buy into that story that growing up is serious business. According to this perspective, being an adult is indeed all about being responsible and dignified. The Dalai Lama does not operate on that story. The energy which allows him to experience life from a place of lightness and joy was hidden in my shadow for the longest time.

I’d like to invite you to think of whom you admire, who your role model is. Why do you admire that person? The more we recognize what our light shadow is, the more we can integrate that light into our whole being.

WildAboutWellness2

On Wednesday, May 27, 2015 in the evening, I will be one of the speakers at the Burlington “Wild About Wellness” network meeting, organized by our wonderful leader Simone Usselman-Tod. This event is open to the public. If you would like to attend, please contact me or Simone.

In my talk, I will be illustrating how we are all born as magnificent castles with a thousand rooms. Each room contains an energy, a different possibility of expressing and experiencing life. Throughout life, we disown one after the next of those options because we are afraid to be judged by others and—even worse—not to be loved anymore.

Neuschwanstein

By the time we are grownups, many of us have locked up so many of those “rooms” we had in our castle. We forget about ever having been this magnificent castle with hundreds of different rooms and all these possibilities of expressions of our true self. We believe we are just a small, run-down two-bedroom house.

We are under the misconception that there is such a thing as “bad energy”. In my talk, I will also explain why it makes sense to embrace all energies in us and to feed the black wolves inside us as much as the white ones.

As a take-away that evening, you will be able to pick one light shadow, one trait you admire in others, and integrate it into your being in a guided mediation. The line between what is showing up as a dark shadow and what can show up as a light shadow can sometimes be a bit blurred. What is a light shadow for you, might be a dark shadow for somebody else. In both cases, it is something that you feel you are not, even though the potential for every trait lies inside all of us. The main question is whether you are judging something or admiring it.

Some examples of light shadow qualities are:

abundant, artistic, assertive, beautiful, patient, easy going, special, magnificent, connected, articulate, responsible, organized, fun, playful, worthy, funny, strong, decisive, confident, intelligent, successful, persistent, flexible, spontaneous, sensual, generous, wise, forgiving, authentic, open-hearted… and the list goes on…

  abundance - key - GreenDoor

For more information on doing your personal shadow work in a one-on-one session, or on joining the next Shadow Energetics Workshop , please contact

Angelika

Belief Change & Shadow Work
905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

If you are enjoying my posts you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the follow button in the right hand corner of your screen.

The Perfect Mother

A client said to me this week, “I saw my mother again and suddenly realized that I could just be with her, treat her with compassion, see her as a human being. I really have stopped judging her, and am more able to love her the way she is.”

Isn’t that beautiful? Each time when somebody I am working with is healing a relationship, it touches me deeply in my heart.

Another client of mine wrote a letter of gratitude to her stepmother this week. She hasn’t seen her stepmother or her father in twenty years. Their last encounter was one full of anger, conflict and mutual hurt. The daughter has spent the last two decades blaming the stepmother for everything. Those feelings had bound up her energy in the past, and left her feeling unloved and “broken”. She felt she was victimized by her stepmother, who struggled to raise her stepdaughter with the same affection she had raised her own biological children with.

perfect mother - letter

My client did not write the letter for her stepmother, she wrote it for herself. After doing the inner work, she was able to acknowledge her own feelings, but also everything her stepmom had done or had attempted to do; she was truly able to forgive her for what she didn’t do. Nothing of that needed to be written in the letter. Instead it was a simple letter of thank you to the woman who was in her life for most part of her childhood. She didn’t send the letter off to receive a response, nor for the purpose of changing or influencing her stepmother. She wrote it to clear her own energy of resentment and anger out.

Forgiving and shifting into appreciation and gratitude is always primarily for ourselves, “for-giving” ourselves love and freedom. It is also a huge step towards taking responsibility for our own life. When we finally let go of blaming others, we win the ability to respond differently to past, present and future events in our life. We gain true response-ability.

Why do so many of us struggle for such a long time with forgiving our parents for their imperfections? Why do we insist on blaming them and on feeling that they ruined or affected our lives negatively?

We have idealized images of what our mother (and father) should be like. We might all have slightly different ideas, but the perfect mother somehow should be selfless, she should take care of us, she should always be patient and supportive, she should listen well and encourage us, she should be proud of us and make us proud of her, and so much more: in short she should love us unconditionally. Media images, TV shows, movies and books often perpetuate these ideas of the perfect mother and affect our beliefs of what a “good mother” is like. These images stem from our deepest desires to be truly loved. Yet, they cause us to judge our mother and ourselves as mothers because we naturally fall short of this perfect mother myth at times. They are the source of guilt and shame instead of enjoying the love we do feel.

Perfect Mother -Carpenter quote

Most people, no matter whether they are parents or not, are still learning to love themselves and others unconditionally. The perfect mother images disregard the fact that we always mirror and trigger each other’s issues and challenges. Children trigger their parents and parents trigger their children. That is a good thing. It is an opportunity to grow and do our inner work.

What triggers us in others, what we judge and dislike about them, is really what we dislike in ourselves. As long as we refuse to give ourselves what we would like to receive from others, it is out of our reach. Only when we truly feel we are good enough, do we become just perfectly lovable the way we are. We can feel loved by others, no matter how limited their ability to love unconditionally might be.

Perfect Mother - Desjardins quote

Nobody and nothing can prevent us from truly loving ourselves. It is our job to love ourselves; nobody can do it for us! No amount of love from the outside can penetrate through if we do not take the cape of self-judgment, self-loathing or even self-hatred off.

 John Gray cartoon love-hate

  from “What You Feel You Can Heal” by John Gray

On this Mother’s Day, make the choice to let go of the past. Forgive your mother or stepmother, whether they are alive or dead. What happened in the past is over and does not matter anymore. Realize that it doesn’t mean anything unless you give it a certain meaning. Decide that your mother, stepmother, or mother-in-law for that matter, is just perfect the way she is. Start telling your story differently, with love.

Perfect Mother - Tolstoi quote

Free yourself up to love your parents without expectations or needs. Be willing to love them the way they are. Take the cape off that prevents you from feeling the love of others. Finally give yourself the gift of loving yourself the way you are.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

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The See-Saw Effect – What You Suppress Your Partner Will Express

Have you ever felt surprised by your mood unexpectedly shifting and an emotion suddenly boiling up?

Maybe you felt a bit annoyed about something that happened during the day and when your partner comes home, you share with him or her, and suddenly you feel really angry?

Or you felt a bit concerned about your mother’s health and you talk to your father who is apparently not worried but quite calm. Yet, you suddenly feel really scared and worried about her?

What has happened in those two situations? You felt a bit annoyed respectively a bit worried and suddenly the emotions boiled over into anger and fear. Why? Who pushed the button for that eruption?

John Gray cartoon fear

John Gray: What You Feel You Can Heal

Your partner and your father pushed the button without knowing they did. Both of them where disconnected to their own emotions and had suppressed their anger and their fear. We disown certain energies because we have learned it is “bad” to feel or be a certain way. However, whenever one person is trying to bury an emotion, somebody else will express it for them. The more closely connected these two people are, the more they are able to feel and experience each other’s emotions.

In our example, you were feeling and expressing the anger and fear for both of you, yourself and the partner in your interaction. This happens unconsciously and automatically. Suppressed energy has to go somewhere. A vacuum of energy draws that energy in from somewhere else. John Gray illustrates with great humour how our emotional “tank” work when we are in a relationship:

John Gray cartoon anger

John Gray: What You Feel You Can Heal

Wilma is starting to feel anger but pushes it down because she has learned that nice girls don’t get angry. The more she pushes it down, the more Fred feels it and the anger rises in his side of the tank. All of a sudden, Fred starts to feel irritable and angry. Wilma might try to also repress his feeling of anger by attempting to calm him down. This continues until Fred explodes. If this happens on a regular basis, Fred might even be labelled as an angry person. Both remain clueless why the anger explodes.

When we push down a feeling, it comes up in our partner. John Grey calls this the see-saw effect. One example John Grey gives for the see-saw effect is the emotion of “need”. Fred falls in love with Wilma. He starts to feel his need for her but that feeling frightens him because he might lose her. So he pushes that feeling down, telling himself he does not want to get too committed. The feeling of need goes over to Wilma’s side of the “tank” adding to her own feelings of need. Wilma becomes insecure and desperate, and starts to feel what is commonly called “needy”. Some people go from one partner to another, wondering why their partners all become so “needy” around them. Who is the common denominator? The person who is out of touch with his feelings of need and fear.

A friend of mine who is generally seen as a peaceful and calm person always seems to end up in relationships with angry women. When he first meets them, they are quite pleasant. Yet, the longer their relationship lasts, the more annoyed and angry the women seem to all become. They yell at him more and more frequently, more and more loudly, while he shuts down more and more, unable to feel his own emotions. Eventually, he leaves them because he can’t stand being yelled at anymore. Until he embraces his own anger and learns to acknowledge and express it appropriately, he will always attract somebody who expresses this deeply buried emotion for him.

Are you tired of having all these invisible buttons on your chest that others can just push?

Would you like to stop triggering others and stop being triggered yourself?

Would you like to learn more about how we disown certain energies because we have learned it is “bad” to feel or be a certain way and how we can live more conscious relationships as whole human beings who love themselves and others?

I offer individual coaching sessions and workshops.

Angelika wide picture for blogs

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Upcoming Workshop:

“Shadow Energetics” training with Darryl Gurney, June 18-21, 2015

If you are enjoying my posts you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the follow button in the right hand corner of your screen.

The Dance of Our Parts in Relationships – PART ONE Primary Personality Parts

“Relationships don’t die a natural death.

They are murdered by either

ego, attitude or ignorance

or all of the above.”

 Rose

(Rose Saroyan, Karmic DNA)

My friend Rose Saroyan couldn’t have said it better. My own marriage to the father of my daughters died the death of ignorance and a good portion of ego—mostly my ego—ten years ago. What I mean by that is, we could have made it work, knowing what I know today. Less ignorance and less ego would have allowed us to heal what was greatly strained after 13 years of marriage. We fostered a little girl for several years, and had two daughters of our own. We moved from Germany to Malaysia, back to Germany and then to Canada, starting all over each time. We went through a lot together without ever really knowing ourselves and the dynamic in our relationship.

After the death of our marriage, we created the second best thing: we build a respectful friendship as co-parents of two wonderful children. Yet, the fact remains that the love relationship died—like so many others—because we were not taught about our shadows. Our partners—just as our parents and children—are our mirrors. They bring out all our challenges, not so we can run away from them, but so that we can face them.

For quite a while now, I have been meaning to write about Hal and Sidra Stone’s insights on partnering and relationships. To do their extensive teachings justice, I will need to lay the foundations first. I have decided to write a series of two blogs on relationships, rather than leaving something important out.

Relationships are remarkable teachers for all of us and offer huge personal and spiritual growth opportunities. It usually is so easy to fall in love with each other and be fascinated by the ways in which the other person is different from us but complements us so beautifully. Then a few years down the road, we might find ourselves feeling irritated by exactly what we originally fell in love with in the other person. Why is that?

A relationship is not between two people but between two groups of people. Any relationship involves a multitude of selves in each person interacting with similar or opposite selves in the other person. To explain this further, let me elaborate on the idea of parts of selves.

 

PRIMARY PERSONALITY PARTS

We come into this world vulnerable, and our primary personality parts—which we develop growing up—protect that vulnerability. The objective of our primary selves is to protect the vulnerable inner child. Those could be power selves which allow us to protect our vulnerability by being angry or aggressive; or they could be ambitious selves which help us to make money and be successful; or they could be pleasing selves or gentle selves which make us lovable to the people around us.

The primary selves can take many different forms. It is hard to know what our primary selves are because we tend to identify with them. We see them as “that’s just how I am,” instead of realizing that they are just one energy we have inside us and that we have the freedom to step into another completely different energy. We tend to think we have a fixed unchanging personality, for example, “I am hard working, tough and aggressive”, or “I am sweet, loving, gentle and giving” or “I am passionate, dramatic and emotional”.

On the other side of every primary self, there is an equal and opposite energy. If I grew up identified with power and aggression, on the other side of that energy, there is somebody within me who is vulnerable and weak. If I grew up learning to always put others first and be selfless, on the other side of that energy, there is somebody who puts him or herself first.

Whatever it is that we have disowned in ourselves, that is exactly what the Universe is going to bring to us. The opposite and equal energy which we have disowned will be lived out through our children, our friends, our acquaintances, our business associates, even our animals, and most of all our husband or wife.

Hal & Sidra 2

Hall and Sidra Stone

Sidra, for example, when she first met Hal, was a very rational planner; organized, solution-oriented and careful with money. Hal was more of a dreamer, a visionary, trusting the Universe rather than carefully planning, able to sit in the discomfort of a problem rather than solving it in the fastest way, and a spender.

When we first fall in love with somebody, the vulnerable child feels safe, feels unconditionally loved and accepted. The primary selves can relax and sit back and stop protecting. We are more able to act from the opposites of our primary selves which are also available to us. If my primary self is, for example, serious and mature, I might be able to be more playful and light-hearted. Or, perhaps, I am a very busy person, always productive, using my time efficiently, making sure I never waste any time. When I fall in love and feel absolutely accepted the way I am, I don’t have to be busy to prove I am lovable. I don’t have to accomplish anything. My primary pusher self can relax. Suddenly, I discover I have time to just be in the moment, to take a walk, or to just talk to somebody.

Another thing that happens when we fall in love is that our inner critic, which always finds something to criticize and correct in us, disappears for a while. All of a sudden, I feel perfect; I feel lovable the way I am.

After a while, stress enters into the relationship and the vulnerable inner child feels threatened again. To protect that vulnerable part, our primary selves come back to fight for us.

TO BE CONTINUED

If you don’t want to miss part 2, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification when I post the next blog. Click the follow button in the right hand corner of your screen.

For relationship coaching contact Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Two Words

There are two words in the English language which have an almost magical power. They make us feel appreciated and valued, they bring a smile to people’s faces and they can completely change the energy between two people.

We can use them with our family; we can use them with our friends; we can use them with complete strangers and make somebody’s day. These words are already effective when said lightly in the passing. But when we put the entire energy of our feelings behind what we are saying, they are like a key which can open anybody’s heart. The more coherent our body language and verbal communication is, the more powerful their effect. “Thank you” goes a very long way. “Thank you” connects and builds bridges. “Thank you” brings out the best in all of us.

Sometimes we get stuck in feeling so unappreciated by others that we forget to thank them or feel stubborn about thanking them. However, these words open up the doors for greater appreciation on both sides. What if we said thank you to our parents and step-parents and to our children, to our siblings and even to our ex-partners? Let’s not stop at saying thank you to those people who we already find so easy to love. Let’s say thank you to those people we feel judged by or unloved by. Perhaps one reason why they are angry at us is that they feel unappreciated.

Many of my relationships are strong due to love and appreciation. My children use every celebration or other opportunity to say thank you for all I have done for them. Their words come straight from their heart. That acknowledgment makes me want to do more for them, give them all I possibly can. I know that they appreciate the quality time we spend together and the financial expenses that come hand-in-hand with raising them. My ex-husband and I are thankful for the mutual flexibility and good communication we extend toward each other. It has taken work to arrive at this point. Knowing that we appreciate the other greatly as a co-parent makes us want to be even better co-parents.

Yet, I have one extended family member who I haven’t said thank you to in a long time. I have been stuck in judgment for this person, only aware of what I don’t like about her. Of course, I know that what I judge about her is exactly something she mirrors for me; it’s an energy which exists in my shadow, and therefore an energy I need to work with and embrace.

It is time to stop my judgments and feelings of dislike and reach out with a simple thank you for all she has done, whether I liked how she has done it or not. I will need to sit down and really put myself in her shoes to appreciate all her efforts and how difficult things have been for her. We all have our own interpretation, our own story about ourselves, the people around us, and the situations we find ourselves in. I am sure she has hers. I certainly have mine, and I don’t doubt that our stories vary greatly. Saying thank you means going beyond these stories of right and wrong.

When did you last say thank you to the parent or step-parent you have judged your entire life long, but who has done his or her best? When did you last tell the partner who we so easily take for granted that you are grateful for their support, which they show in so many different ways? When did you last let your sister or brother know that you appreciate them and their role in the family?

Do you find it hard to do this in-person? Then write a letter or an e-mail simply saying thanks. Don’t expect anything in return. Do it just because. Do it because this world needs more appreciation and gratitude from all of us.

Thank You in Diff Languages

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Relationship Coaching, Shadow Work, Belief Change Coaching

905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Snow Day

We had a snow day yesterday; school buses were cancelled and schools were closed. We spend most part of the day in our PJs, enjoying the luxury of not having to be anywhere.

I am self-employed and when I don’t work, I don’t earn any money. So I could regard a snow day, when everything shuts down and people stay home, as a day of lost income. Yet, I found myself as excited as my 13 year old, chanting “It’s a snow day; I love snow days!”

There is a certain magic inherent in a snow day. It is a guilt-free unexpected extra holiday; like getting another unexpected gift when your birthday is already over. A higher power has decided we will get another day off, a day where we cannot work and where everybody understands that we cannot possibly go out onto the roads. Meanwhile, we feel perfectly healthy and can actually enjoy the day fully.

Snowman with coat

The snow is part of the magic of the day. Something seems to call us outside into the perfect whiteness and hopefully sunshine to play, to frolic around without care. Before the snowplough comes, the world has a beautiful stillness to it. Do we perhaps long for that stillness in our everyday life?

Another part of the magic is that we do not need an excuse to be unproductive in the regular sense. In our society, being “lazy” is one of the worst things you can be called. We are chronically overtired and depleted because “laziness” is a collective shadow.

Western society as a whole has disowned “not doing” as “being lazy”. We push ourselves daily, weekdays and weekends, to do more, to work harder, and to have end results to prove our productivity. With limited time to recharge our body and our soul, we end up feeling chronically tired. The long line-ups every morning at the Tim Hortons drive-thru certainly seem to speak to that depletion. I would claim that we long for that state of being which allows us to recharge without artificial stimulants.

Snow Day

The popularity of yoga also speaks to that longing. At the same time, some of the forms of Western yoga emphasise the exercise part of the yoga over the meditative aspects. Our Western belief system of “doing is better than being” even influences and limits what could bring us the needed balance for our over-busy lives.

A snow day is perfect for play, for relaxation, for allowing some joy and spontaneity into our life which is usually planned through from the first moment of the day to the last.

How can we have more snow days in our life? Do we really need to wait for Mother Nature to give us a snow day? Or can we plan our own little “snow day” once in a while; can we give ourselves the gift to let go of all our “have to’s” and “should’s” for a few hours, or even a whole day?

 

Angelika, 905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

 At the Other Side of Each Shadow…

I had an interesting choice to make just recently, and with it came a bit of a light bulb moment. I had the opportunity to point out to somebody that they are out of integrity and that they are justifying their actions by using what one might call spiritual jargon. Like everybody, I have a self-righteous part that pipes up at times and judges something as unfair or “not right”. That self-righteous part in me would have loved to step out and ask this person if she was really feeling good about treating another person, who was kind and generous to her in the past, the way she is.

But then instead of sending it out right away, I sat with the email I had written. The quiet voice inside said, “Wait, don’t just respond impulsively”. I talked to my friend Darryl Gurney, whose insights and perspective I have always appreciated. He agreed that the person was probably coming from fear, showing up with a surprising lack of integrity and a lower consciousness level than one would expect.

He also reminded me though that when somebody shows up in one of their shadows, we need to remember that at the other side of that shadow is a truly lovely energy. We all have ALL energy inside of us.

When somebody acts from a place of self-centredness, dishonour, aggression, unscrupulousness, greed, or from any other shadow side, we need to remind ourselves that they are also selfless, honest, peaceful, conscious of their actions, fair, and willing to share at other times. The reason why they are choosing to act from their shadow and to justify their actions with seemingly reasonable arguments and/or pseudo-spiritual non-sense, is that they are in fear.

Maybe they are in fear around their financial situation, or in fear of losing something or someone. Maybe they feel disconnected and unloved. Maybe they are in fear of speaking up from a place of integrity because somebody else in their life might not understand or agree. There could be a million reasons why we are out of integrity and choosing to pretend that we are not. Another truth is that we have all been out of integrity ourselves at some point in our life. I certainly know I have.

When somebody makes choices which are not the strongest choices they could make, it is sometimes challenging not to judge. However, a situation like this is a test to just let it be and trust that the Universe has a way of taking care of things.

Beach & Ho'oponopono

So, instead of writing my email, I decided to sit and do the Ho’oponopono Ritual to shift the feelings I have for, and my energy towards, this person. Hoʻoponopono is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. It consists of four sentences to forgive and let go, and to raise our vibration to a vibration of love:

I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.

With the Ho’oponopono prayer, we take responsibility for whatever we are experiencing in our life. It is a spiritual truth that everything that shows up in our lives is there for a reason and for our highest good, even if we don’t see it at the time. It is also a spiritual belief that before we started this life we chose the major events of our lives. Sometimes this has brought us pain. However, many of our greatest insights come from painful experiences and we have the chance to grow from those experiences. With this meditation we can make peace with people and situations that have brought us pain, anger, resentment or other difficulties. We can include people close to us or someone we have not even met but whose actions have affected us in some way.

 

Life & Spiritual Coaching, Belief Change Work, Shadow Work

Angelika, 905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

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Who is Darryl Gurney?

When we have decided we want to learn a technique and take a class it is not always easy to choose which teacher or instructor is right for us. Some of us just need to look at a photo of a person and we can feel the energy, others might want to do a bit more research and go by testimonials.

IMAG1189

I have been friends with Darryl Gurney for many years and have sponsored his workshops in the GTA for the last few years. Over the years of first taking all his classes and then sponsoring them, I have heard others echo my feelings over and over again, “He is the best teacher I have ever come across in the alternative health field”.

What makes somebody the best teacher? At the top of the list are integrity and honesty. Secondly, a true desire to change this world. Thirdly, his strong heart-centred focus. He teaches with clarity and is a true role model. He truly lives PSYCH-K®, Holoenergetics® and Shadowenergetics. Many people can teach the techniques of a system, but I have yet to see another person who can connect so lovingly from heart to heart with every student in the class.

We all have taken classes in which the teacher was triggered by a participant, or in which we just didn’t feel quite comfortable. Taking one of Darryl’s workshops is a totally different experience. Darryl has done his own work for many years and creates a space in which every single person feels accepted and appreciated. The energy is one of non-judgment, safety and love. However, what stands out most about Darryl is his ability to make the entire room roar with laughter. His humour and wonderful way of looking at the world connects and unites us all. Everybody leaves with new insights, deeper understanding of themselves and others, and with the feeling of being lovable exactly the way we are.

IMAG1193

This is what some of our students are saying about Darryl Gurney:

 

I had the privilege of having Daryl as my teacher in the Spring and I was blown away by his expertise. He really walks his talk. He is so passionate about helping his students get the most out of his courses and grow to be the best they can be. He is truly an expert in his field. Thanks, Daryl!!!

– Jennifer Song, Burlington

 

Taking the basic and the advanced Psych-K with Darryl Gurney was a wonderful experience in every aspect. The courses were very well organized and the locations carefully chosen. The energy and atmosphere felt just perfect, right from the beginning.

Darryl is a gifted teacher. His fun and creative ways make it easy to understand and learn. Especially the advanced Psych-K is an intense course and a lot to take in. Darryl was always aware of the needs of the group and he would restore our energy with fun Qigong exercises.

What sets Darryl apart is his heartfelt personality. He has a special gift to create a safe space where deep healing can happen. He is not just somebody who learned a technique and decided to teach it. Psych-K is an integral part of his personal life and it shows in the way he understands and supports each individual’s experience on their own journey through life.

Psych-K has become an important part of my life as well. I feel very grateful and blessed that I had Darryl as my teacher and mentor.

– Julia Trenkle, Oakville

 

I have taken three courses taught by Darryl Gurney to date. I don’t think I can adequately relay what an amazing experience, each and every day has been. Although the subject matter is incredible, I do not believe that I would have absorbed as much or been as present had it not been for Darryl’s passion, insight, compassion and amazing sense of humour. The only words that adequately describe how I feel are “he has saved me”. I could not imagine a more perfect instructor for PSYCH-K.

-Karolyn K., Milton

 

I have worked as a holistic practitioner since 1999 and have taken a multitude of courses during that time. I first met Darryl Gurney in 2005 at a basic level Psych-K course he was teaching. I enjoyed his teaching style immensely and later took the Advanced Psych-K course with him as well as a Holoenergetics course and a Shadow Energetics course. Whenever I am able I retake his courses just to be in the great energy he creates.   I have invited many people to participate in his courses as I feel that he is the very best instructor in his field. You always come away from his courses with way more than just a technique. He gives his whole heart and soul to his work. Darryl teaches with love, lots of humor and a great depth of understanding of his subject. Whenever I am with Darryl I am inspired to be a better person just by his example. Thank you Darryl. You are one of my life’s great blessings and I thank God for you.

– Fern Wolf, Georgetown

 

I have taken half a dozen PSYCH-K and other energy related training courses with Darryl Gurney. He is a fantastic facilitator. I am a business consultant in Learning and Development and have spent over 20 years designing and facilitating adult training courses and curriculums and Darryl is at the top. He is fun, thorough, patient and very committed to the subject and his students. I really believe that Darryl is the reason the workshops are so impactful. I have and will continue to recommend others to take his workshops. They are fabulous.

– Jenny Rice, Toronto

 

When I decided that I wanted to learn about PSYCH – K, I did some research and found Darryl Gurney. I feel absolutely blessed to have been able to take the Basic PSYCH – K course, the ADVANCED PSYCH – K course as well as the SHADOW – ENERGETICS course from Darryl. I have learned so much from Darryl and it has been life changing. Darryl teaches his courses with integrity, expertise and humour. I have rarely met anyone in life that walks the talk more than Darryl. Darryl has spent years learning and practicing PSYCH – K and I have experienced that focus and dedication in two ways. First of all, the courses he teaches are excellent because Darryl knows his subject so well he is able to teach it with ease, in detail and with obvious expertise. Secondly, it is obvious that Darryl has practiced PSYCH – K in depth because of the person that he has become. He is able to love and accept all individuals. He creates a safe learning environment where people are able to share and express the various fibres of their being. That is truly where learning, healing and change can take place. I am looking forward to taking another course from Darryl where I can continue to refine, change and heal the fibres of my being.

– Beth Pearsell, Hamilton

 

UPCOMING CLASSES with Darryl Gurney

The easiest way to keep up to date on our events including all of Darryl’s classes is to sign up for my blog by clicking the follow button in the right hand corner of the screen. By doing that you are giving permission to be notified automatically by e-mail when I put up a new post.

Basic PSYCH-K® Training in Milton,

February 28 / March 1, 2015

Saturday, Feb. 28, 2015 from 8:30 a.m. – 6:00 p.m.

Sunday, March 1, 2015 from 9:00 a.m. – 6:00 p.m.

Monday, March 2, 2015 Optional Practice Day from 10:00-1:00, $50.00

LOCATION:

St. Paul’s United Church, 123 Main Street, Milton, ON

Saturday and Sunday $425.00 Early Bird, if deposit of $100 received by Feb. 6, $475.00 after Feb. 6

Bring a friend early registration is $375.00 each

Retake $100.00

 

Holoenergetics Workshop

Friday, March 6 – Sunday, March 8, 2015

HOURS:

Friday, March 6 from 8:30 a.m. – 6:30 p.m.

Saturday, March 7 from 9:00 a.m. – 6:30 p.m.

Sunday, March 8 from 9:00 a.m. – 6:30 p.m.

LOCATION:

Milton or Mississauga

EARLY BIRD: $575 – if $150 deposit received before February 12, $650 thereafter (Prices include tax)

 

Affairs and Attractions

Hal and Sidra Stone are consciousness teachers who have really applied their teachings to their own relationship, respectively have arrived at what they teach about relationships through their own relationship work. An area which we are most vulnerable in when we are in a relationship is monogamy versus having affairs. We can get very hurt when we are not aware of the dynamics. Hal and Sidra are providing us with another perspective of infidelity.

Hal & Sidra 2

Usually, the perception is that one person is just too immature or undisciplined or immoral to be loyal and honest. The topic is much more complex than that.

There are two very opposite voices in ALL of us. We all have a monogamous voice which wants the safety and depth which comes with monogamy but we ALL also have a non-monogamous voice, a part which is still attracted to others, even if we are in a committed relationship. When we commit to a relationship the expectation—or choice—usually is to be monogamous, however, that non-monogamous energy in us still exists and goes underground. If we ignore that energy and pretend it does not exist, we are more likely to have an affair.

What are the dynamics of that? Let’s take an example. Cybil is only in touch with her monogamous energy, Bill is only in touch with his non-monogamous energy. After they get married, Cybil becomes the victim. She feels she is the only one who wants to be and is monogamous. She is the one fearing infidelity and is the one trying to make things safe and hold both of them together. She might find herself feeling jealous and insecure. The jealous part of her might accuse Bill of wanting to sleep with another woman or having slept with another person. The little child inside might start to be clingy. The controlling part in her might start to check up on him and try to control how he spends his time.

If the non-monogamous energy is not honestly acknowledged, what is called a child-parent bonding pattern occurs. Bill would become the power parent and sit in judgement over Cybil’s weakness and need for commitment and her dependency. Cybil on the other side would judge Bill for being unstable, immature and a liar or cheater.

If Cybil was in touch with her non-monogamous voice and really knew that she also has both sides, that the potential for infidelity is inside her as well, she would not judge him but be able to address the situation openly. From the place of judgement, anger and resentment grows, which can come out as just suddenly ending the relationship in an explosive way. And Bill might even convince himself that he is glad this happened as he has felt controlled, restricted and deprived of any privacy or alone time.

If he is in touch with both energies in himself he would have to speak up clearly, asking for privacy and explaining to Cybil that he chooses monogamy but still has other impulses. If he feels he can share with her honestly when he feels attracted to another woman, they can find a way to work this out together. He would, however, need to be prepared to initially be met with anger, or irritation, or hurt. Sharing this sort of attraction can activate the insecurities and wounds in our partner. We need to trust that the relationship is strong enough to survive that hurt. We also need to realize that speaking up openly is better than having a secret affair and the betrayal coming out at one point in the future and really hurting our partner.

When Bill speaks up, Cybil would have to understand that the fact that he is attracted to somebody else has absolutely nothing to do with her personally. It is NOT that she is not giving Bill what he needs. It is NOT that she is not attractive anymore. It is NOT that she is lacking in any way. Instead the “other woman” Bill might find himself attracted to represents an energy which is missing in their relationship.

Hal & Sidra 3

Hal and Sidra have managed to handle this part in us which is attracted to others with consciousness. They have chosen to have a monogamous relationship which they have been able to keep up because the non-monogamous energy is being acknowledged and addressed. They have expressed to each other when they were attracted to somebody else. Sidra, for example, was attracted to a man who was adventurous and travelled the world a lot. Once she shared this with Hal, he was able to embrace his own adventurous nature more. They brought that energy more into their own relationship, travelled more and enjoyed adventures together. Sidra’s attraction to the other man vanished.

What we are attracted to, is not so much the person themselves, but the energy the other person represents. They mirror to us what energy our partner is not in touch with and has disowned. If our partner is more practical and worldly and less spiritual, we might be attracted to somebody spiritual; it means we need to embrace spirituality in our relationship more. If our partner is very responsible, we might be attracted to somebody who is a free spirit; it signifies that we need to bring that energy more into our relationship. If our partner is quite focused on finances, we might be attracted to somebody who cares little about money; it means we might need to bring other values into our relationship. What attracts us to a partner is what they mirror for us.

Sometimes it is not just one partner who has disowned that energy but both of us in our relationship have, for example, disowned the spiritual part, or the free spirited energy, or the voice which does not care much about material things. Each attraction of one or both partners to an energy outside themselves is a gift to find out what is missing in the relationship and what can be brought in.

This is not just about the relationship itself, but it is also a gift for each partner to claim a part of themselves they have so far disowned. It does not mean something is wrong with one partner. It just means there is more in this world that we can try out and embrace.

If Sarah is attracted to an assertive and strong male energy in another man, it is an opportunity for her partner to step more into his own assertive and strong male energy. If David is attracted to a woman who is playful, silly and loves to laugh, it is an incentive for his partner to be more playful and enjoy life more. If Frank is attracted to a woman who is sexual and sensual and his wife is the personified asexual mother type, she can embrace sensuality more and experience it. If Howard is attracted to women who are helpless damsels in distress, his self-sufficient wife might need to realize that self-sufficiency is good but that we all have needs and that she can allow Howard to fulfil her needs. If Elena is drawn to a passionate romantic man, her controlled, rational and down to earth partner can claim his romantic and passionate self.

It requires courage to speak up about our attractions. Why is it worth speaking up?

Having an affair, and that includes an actual physical affair but also confiding in another person of the opposite sex behind the back of our partner and complaining about our marriage or relationship, is greatly damaging. It is not the actual physical act which is the betrayal but the emotional intimacy, coupled with the secrecy. Who gets hurt is the little child inside. In our example, Cybil’s little girl inside would go into hiding if Bill had a physical and/or emotional affair. She would not be able to trust and feel safe right after finding out. That vulnerable trusting child energy, however, is what we need in a relationship to connect deeply with each other. Without our inner children, we cannot experience true intimacy. We have signed the death verdict for the relationship if we do not address the feelings of the inner child and truly heal them.

Affairs can of course be forgiven, and the inner child can learn to trust again, but that requires deep inner work and not everybody finds it easy to rebuild the foundation of trust. It therefore pays to be honest and address the issue consciously rather than responding from an unconscious place and having an affair.

 

Hal & Sidra 4

A great recording to listen to is “Affairs and Attractions” by Hall and Sidra Stone

http://voicedialogueinternational.com/store/aaa.php