Protecting Our Inner Child

Have you ever allowed yourself to be open and vulnerable with somebody only to find that your feelings were met with judgment, ridicule, or another response that made you feel unloved? I have.

It has been a week during which several clients and friends needed to hear from me. “How does your little girl / little boy feel right now? Check in with that child part in you. Bring up that parent part inside and protect her/him.”

Having had the experience myself in the past of not taking good care of my vulnerable inner child and her needs, I can see it clearly in others.

There is the young woman who continues to socialize with friends who are judgmental, self-centred and even cruel because she does not believe she can have friends who are truly loving and caring. There is the man who still reaches out to his ex-partner hoping she will be loving and supportive, just to find over and over again that she has no respect for him and has put him down again.

Why do we act like this? Why do we have such low self-respect at times?

We seem to do so with family members, friends, romantic partners, or people who belong to a group we are part of. We assume that just because of the “role” they play in our lives, they are unconditionally loving and accepting of us.

What has happened when we make that decision?

Instead of love, we are met with other people’s opinions or fears. This experience is all about us loving ourselves and listening to our intuition, to that voice inside that knows exactly who to trust with our vulnerability, and who to hold back with. It is all about believing and knowing deep-down that we deserve unconditional love, appreciation and respect.

Whenever I created the experience for myself of “not feeling safe,” I ignored that inner voice. When I think back, part of me knew exactly that a particular person would respond from his/her own fears and world views rather than being able to be unconditionally loving and accepting.

Ignoring my own wisdom usually had to do with longing for a close relationship with somebody due to this idea of a family or relationship tie, or wanting to belong to a group. The “longing” or “need” overrode the gut feeling. The left brain found reasons why it would be silly not to open up, while the heart had the right answer all along.

Being aware of what to entrust to others and what not to, has nothing to do with not being authentic. I can still be authentic when I choose carefully what to share. In fact, it will help to be more authentic. When we entrust something to someone against our better judgment, we are trying to be somebody we are not. We are trying to please the other person or force a relationship that is just not unfolding naturally.

You can listen to your intuition, and as you do so, your intuition grows stronger and stronger each day. I usually approach the world with an open heart, with love and trust, knowing that I am safe due to inner guidance, the parent part inside me. We need to protect the vulnerable child inside when it is necessary. But at the same time, I allow myself to be vulnerable when it is safe and appropriate, always striving to distinguish one from the other, no matter what “role” a person has in my life. I encourage you to do the same. You can experience that you are always safe because you listen and you trust.

 

For Inner Child Work, PSYCH-K® or Relationship Coaching contact

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

Intimacy Requires Vulnerability

She is driving; he is sitting next to her. Suddenly, he blurts out, “My God! Will you get off that guy’s ass!”

Her response to being yelled at might be to react defensively and say something along the lines of, “Who is driving here, you or me? You always criticize my driving!”

Not constructive communication, wouldn’t you agree?

What happened in that situation? He went from fear to anger in an instant. Had he been more in touch with his vulnerability he might have been able to say, “I feel a bit unsafe right now. Could you give us some more distance from the car in front of us?” Her response to that would most likely have been to meet his needs with understanding.

When that vulnerable part in us—our inner child—is threatened, we tend to step into a power sub-personality to protect ourselves. One of those power parts is our angry self. Another one might be the rational self, the perfectionist, or any other personality that feels safer and more comfortable. However, to be really close to somebody, to be truly intimate with the people we love, we need to be in touch with our vulnerable self.

In her fabulous TED talk, “The Power of Vulnerability,” Brené Brown analyzes what is needed to make deep connections and why we would want to do that. Connection gives purpose to our life; yet shame keeps us from making those deep connections. Shame is based in the fear or limiting belief of not being worthy of connection. For connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be really seen. Courage is required to allow others to see our vulnerable self. Cour is the Latin word for “heart” and the original meaning of courage is to “tell the story of who you are with your whole heart”.

According to Brené Brown’s research, we also require compassion. This means having compassion with others, but also treating yourself kindly. Connection requires authenticity and vulnerability. It means having the courage to love without guarantees. It requires us to stop controlling and predicting, numbing our feelings, pretending we are not vulnerable, and striving for perfection when the beauty of life is imperfection. Vulnerability after all is “the birthplace of joy, belonging and love” (Brené Brown).

Shadow Energetics work is designed to make us aware of our personality parts—the power selves as much as the vulnerable inner child or the inner critic. They are all important “players” when we make connections with others. Treating ourselves kindly means achieving separation from that inner critic whose only job is to find something to criticize. Instead we can bring in the supportive and loving parent voice to encourage us with kindness. Only if we strive to love ourselves unconditionally can we love others in the same way.

Belief change work and shadow work allows us to re-connect with who we truly are. It brings us back to wholeness and allows us to be more authentic with others. Our relationships can unfold their true beauty. Those individual connections then have a domino effect. My vision is a world in which we all feel safe to connect from love and our authentic core selves.

 

To find out about an individual belief change and shadow work session or the upcoming Shadow Energetic Workshop in Toronto please contact me:

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

905-286-9466

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Power of the Parental Voice

Last week, I observed a number of different parents interacting with their children. I saw positive and encouraging examples of parenting, but also several devastating ones. It made me contemplate how we talk to our children, and what messages and suggestions we instil in them. Ultimately, this also made me ponder how we talk to ourselves. What is our own inner voice saying? Is that inner voice possibly echoing messages that we received in our childhood which were less than loving or supportive?

 

In one museum, a boy of about eight was standing at the top of an escalator, lost in his own dream world, just looking around. Instead of bringing him gently back to the present and asking him nicely to pay attention to other people who might want to use the escalator, I heard the father bark, “Get out of the way!” followed by, “Why do you never listen to me?”

It was at the tip of my tongue to say, “Because he is trying to tune out your critical voice. If you were more loving, he would listen.”

Not only does this father send the message that the son is in the way of other people but he also implants the suggestion not to listen.

The son learns, “I am not good enough. I am stupid or clumsy. Other people are more important. I am annoying to my father the way I am.”

 

In a restaurant, I overheard a snippet of another conversation. A father was saying to his six-year-old daughter, “No. You are the problem here!”

I have no idea what they were talking about, if the daughter was trying to communicate her needs or opinions. But no matter what it was, the father’s comment shut her up immediately.

What a depressing message to get! The daughter learns, “In my father’s eye, I am a problem. My needs, requests or opinions are nothing more than a nuisance.”

 

On a parking lot, another father was pushing and pulling his three-year-old daughter along, while the mother walked ahead and ignored them both. The little girl was just being a normal three year old, taking her time enjoying the sunny summer’s day. In passing by, I heard the father say impatiently, “How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up? This is a parking lot! Parking lots are dangerous.”

Another child, another devastating message. The little girl learns, “Not only is life not safe for me, but I am also annoying my parent by being myself and enjoying the moment. I am a bother.”

 

One could argue that the parents are just trying to teach their children to have consideration for others, not to blame others and to stay safe. However, all these life messages could have been delivered with love. Instead, they were delivered with impatience, judgment and harshness. The children did not learn anything but that they are not accepted the way they are. They might even conclude that they are unlovable, especially if their caretakers act like this on a regular basis.

 

As we grow up, we still at times have this harsh parental voice in our head, the inner critic that at times is useful and tries to protect us, but most of the time just beats us up mercilessly.

How do you speak to yourself?

What does your inner voice say when you make a so-called mistake, or when you are in a situation that you could interpret as a failure?

Does it still say “You are stupid and not good enough”, or “You are the problem,” or “Pay attention! There is danger lurking just around the next corner”?

 

Just as children need a patient, understanding, compassionate and encouraging parent, you need to bring out that inner parent who sees you with loving eyes. The inner parent can put your inner critic in its place. That loving, caring parental voice believes in you and in your potential. It’s that part of us that helps us to bring the best out in us. If you want to be happy and feel good about yourself there is no way around self-love. If you want to love others, there is no way around self-love.

If you want to succeed and live a happy life, you have to make the choice to separate from your harsh inner critic, stop being a victim to your own inner voice, stand up for your abused inner child and begin to parent yourself differently!

 

For Life or Spiritual Coaching, Belief Change Work through Psych-K®, Forgiveness Work or Inner Child Work contact me

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

905-286-9466

Permission to Shine Your Light

A very special friend of mine went through an incredible transformation over the last 29 months. She had surgery and lost an unbelievable amount of weight. I am very proud of her. However, it makes me even happier to see that she has completely transformed her entire life. She has undergone a huge inner transformation.

She was always very beautiful. Her amazing smile and her sparkling eyes make you stop and look at her. She can make you feel truly seen. She has always had a huge capacity for love, a heart which she keeps wide open. She is one of those people who drop everything to help somebody else.

Like so many of us, she learned as a little girl that her needs don’t matter. And because she was this loving little spirit, she did the next-best thing she could and she began to look after other people’s needs. She learned her needs will never be met, so she decided that she might as well take care of other people’s happiness.

She went through life with this open heart but also a great bit of sadness. The beliefs “I don’t matter” and “I don’t deserve to look after myself” began to manifest in putting on more and more weight over the years. She smiled but inside, she felt lonely. She had abandoned herself by putting all her energy into pleasing others. The little girl inside was crying silently in despair while she carried a brave smile on the outside.

Now her smile is even more beautiful than ever before, because she has learned to love herself. Her smile is full of joy and self-love. Loving yourself comes with saying no and setting boundaries. It comes with not always dropping everything for others. It means not taking responsibility for other people’s happiness but showing them how to find their own happiness. It means shining your own light and giving others permission to do the same.

In spiritual circles, we are so often told that we should love others unconditionally. Yet, the second commandment is, “You shall love your neighbour as yourself.” (NAS, Mark 12:28-31) The step to first love yourself is usually forgotten.

Loving others unconditionally is not possible unless you love yourself unconditionally. Loving yourself means knowing that you deserve that your needs are met. It means approving of you the way you are, instead of changing for others. It means listening to your needs and feelings and addressing them. It means surrounding yourself with people who care about your needs.

Ironically enough, those people who feel we shouldn’t have needs are the same people who are quick to call us selfish when we do stand up and say no to being their doormat. Because we might not be used to expressing our needs, we sometimes wait until we are a worn-down doormat. We wait until the proverbial last drop, and at that point we might become emotional, or demand that our needs be met. The people in our life sense that we do not feel we deserve to have needs. They respond to that energy of not deserving that we send out and therefore judge us for having needs.

However, once we have learned to love ourselves, we stand up right away and say ‘no’ calmly and lovingly, without a dramatic or emotional reaction. We know that we need not explain or defend ourselves. We make sure that we have time for ourselves. We make sure we do not get worn out in service for others. We make sure that we are truly happy and joyful every moment of every day.

Can you truly claim, “The people in my life care about meeting my needs?”

If you cannot say this, take a look at your subconscious beliefs. Do you feel your needs are not important? Do you feel you cannot expect your partner, or other people close to you, to acknowledge and meet your needs? Do you lovingly acknowledge and meet other people’s needs, or is there resentment because you feel you always have to put others first?

As you take care of yourself, of your inner child and her needs, you step into your more authentic self. You are able to live from love rather than a feeling of unworthiness. You can shine your light and be creative, full of joy, and brilliant in all sorts of ways. You can be the true goddess that you are.

 

Psych-K® helps to shift limiting beliefs and Shadow Energetics assists in embracing your light shadow, all those characteristics you admire in others but that you have not had the courage to bring out in yourself, yet.

Greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

905-286-9466   

“I Will Take Care of You” – Self Parenting

I visited a friend of mine today who has a 20 month old son. My friend, being a spiritual coach, is a very conscious parent. All morning long, I watched her and little Jack interact. I am left in awe not just by what a beautiful and wise little soul Jack is, but also by what beliefs he is learning from his mother.

She puts her own fears and personal agenda aside and is present with him. She is always aware of making sure he feels loved. She responds to his worries or needs before they turn into huge fears. She makes sure he always feels acknowledged and important. She gives him a lot of freedom to try things out. Because of that freedom, he accepts calmly when she has to say no.

Incidentally, on my drive to her house I was listening to one of my favourite songs by Amy Sky, “I will take care of you.”

“… A baby girl’s first cry rang out, a new life had begun.

Her mother rocked her in her arms and she kissed the tiny brow.

She said, ‘Darling, I am just as scared as you but I’ll promise you somehow,

I will take care of you, very best that I can.

Follow the love here in my heart, all of the strength in my hand.

You are every joy I share, for every tear I’ll be there, my whole life through.’”

I have listened to this song many times. But today, I was struck by how symbolic it is for taking care of our inner child.

 

Did you feel truly taken care of and safe when you were a child? Did you feel important, special and worthy, believing that your needs would be met, when you were little? Most people didn’t. My parent’s motto was, “Children should be seen but not heard.” We learn we are not important and that we do not have the right to have needs. We experience feeling abandoned and develop trust issues. Who can we trust in if we cannot trust those bigger humans that are taking care of us?

Those early childhood experiences leave wounds that come back in all of our relationships when we grow up. We might by now have lost our own parents or become their caretakers. However, in our love relationships, the little girl or boy inside still pops up and fearfully demands their needs while believing he or she does not deserve to be heard, does not deserve to be truly happy.

Our partner cannot be our parent to reassure and love us unconditionally. The only person who can heal those wounds is us. The one person who can be there for us every step of the way, as in Amy Sky’s song, is us. We are the ones to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, respect ourselves and remind ourselves that we are important, just like Jack’s wonderful mother does for him.

By getting in touch with your inner child and by parenting yourself, you are giving yourself the freedom to let go of those old feelings of unworthiness. Unconditional self-love is the foundation for loving others without conditions.

 

To do Inner Child Work or to clear out your fears and change your beliefs contact me.

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

905-286-9466

Taking Care of Your Inner Child

A typical and potentially destructive bonding pattern in a relationship is mother-son, father-daughter bonding. In a love relationship, the mother side of the woman often bonds into the son side of her partner and the father side of the man bonds into the daughter side of the woman. This is a natural and normal process that cannot be eliminated. On the positive side, this caring connection provides warmth and nurturing in a relationship. However, if we are not consciously aware of this pattern, it is likely to turn negative.

During the early stages of love, the little girl or little boy inside us is happy. The substitute father or substitute mother that our partner displays tries hard to be a good parent. They are attentive, loving, giving, and generous. However, we are not our partner’s parent. Sooner or later, this interaction is bound to flip, when our partner cannot continue being a good parent all the time. They might become critical, impatient, or even hold back their love or attention in a given situation.

The little child in us is the part that allows us to be truly vulnerable and intimate in a relationship. “It is this child that carries the deepest feelings in our heart and that can recognize the feelings deep in the hearts of others. … This child cannot be fooled by words or by reason because it responds directly to energies or feelings.” (Hal & Sidra Stone, Embracing Each Other, 35) Without being vulnerable we are also not able to experience real closeness with our partner. A balanced inner child brings magic to our relationship.

The little child inside will never grow up or go away completely. However, it is not our partner’s job to parent that younger self of us that we all carry inside. It is solely our job and responsibility to parent ourselves. By taking care of our inner child we ensure a healthier relationship and learn to heal our own wounds.

The vulnerable child within wants to be listened to, acknowledged and honoured. This means taking the feelings of the inner child seriously “but not allowing them to tyrannize us or those around us.” (Hal & Sidra Stone, Embracing Each Other, 49). The more we are aware of the little girl or little boy part inside and of her or his needs and feelings, the more we can integrate that part of us into a harmonic whole.

A regular dialogue with that vulnerable part in us is very helpful. When fears surface that stem from that child inside, it is important to be compassionate, loving and caring with ourselves. Give your inner child what she or he needs—love and the reassuring words of an encouraging parent will gently shift the perspective for the fearful or anxious child.

At first you can make it a daily routine to check in with the little one inside to see how he or she feels, and if they might need something from you as the protective and loving parent. Once you are friends with your inner child, you will notice clearly when an emotion or story comes up, because your inner child is worried or fearful about something. Make sure you have time to acknowledge them, consciously shift their story, and clear out that fear.

Dreams can help you to connect with the needs of your inner child. When we have a dream about a baby or young child, this child is often symbolic for our own inner vulnerable part. The dream can be about a child that we know, or an unknown little boy or girl. Notice and analyze your dreams for what they say about your inner child. Does it feel forgotten, neglected, or in danger? Does it need more love, attention, security or perhaps more laughter and play?

Another very important way of taking care of our vulnerable child inside is to make sure that we have a network of people whom we love and with whom we feel safe. Through that network, our inner child will receive nurturing not just from ourselves, but from a variety of sources. By reaching out to our network of family or friends, we make sure that we do not strain our marriage or relationship with the expectation that our partner has to take care of our inner child by him or herself.

Parenting your inner child is the gift you give yourself and your partner. If both partners take responsibility for their inner child, they can live an open and honest relationship from their aware ego which embraces all our parts inside but does not over-identify with any of them. We can be vulnerable and truly connected to each other from the heart.

 

If you are interested to learn more about Inner Child Work and how to parent yourself, contact me for a free consultation

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca