Sexual Moksha – How We Block Our Energy Flow

(Special Thanks to Life Transformation Coach Michelle Burns for compiling some of the material referenced in this blog.)

We block our energy physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. Foods that are high in chemicals and refined sugars, medications, lack of sleep and movement all physically block the natural healthy energy flow. Our suppressed emotions are still held in the body and cause further blocks. Believing in the illusion of separation from spirit, over-identifying with our minds, keeping busy instead of allowing ourselves time for connecting to our own wisdom and intuition, all create a spiritual block. Our mental conditioning around our sexuality is due to religious, cultural and family influences. In our patriarchal and church-dominant history, sexuality and pleasure were branded as bad. It allowed the church to control people and disempowered the Divine Feminine, most obvious in the witch burnings during the 15th to 18th centuries

Our cultural brainwashing is very prevalent in the media, which connects sexuality with violence, domination and impurity. Sexuality is portrayed mostly on a low consciousness level in scenes of abuse, or as something dirty, bad and hidden. This perpetuates a cycle of shame, guilt and fear. Big pharmaceutical companies have an invested interest in this situation remaining this way. Viagra alone is a billion dollar industry. Empowering people to clear out their fears and emotional baggage means a financial loss for pharmaceutical companies who are at present selling medications to fix the superficial problems instead of clearing out the root cause for them.

Within our families, the limiting sexual beliefs are handed down to the next generation. Some examples are the topic of masturbation, which is still a taboo in many families, or the reluctance of many parents to explain sexual facts to their children age-appropriately but early on. The fear of having honest talks with our children and adequately teaching them that we are all sexual beings leads to them having secret sexual lives coloured by guilt and shame, hiding abuse experiences or drifting into teenage pregnancies and unnecessary abortion which usually have long-lasting psychological effects. Sexual shame and negative beliefs in regards to our body and our sexuality create a lot of emotional pain for all of us.

Hawkins Map-of-consciousness

David Hawkin’s , M.D., Ph.D. has calibrated different experience levels and connected emotions on a scale from 1 to 1000. Each emotion represents a different frequency that is measurable. Shame and guilt are the lowest vibration on the Hawkins’ scale of Consciousness. As the illustration shows, guilt (“I have done something wrong”) vibrates at 30, shame (“I am a bad person”) at 20 on this scale. 200 is the tipping point where we move into empowerment and health. No disease can exist above the frequency of 200. Our personal frequency also greatly affects the collective frequency of the planet and brings humanity as a whole into higher consciousness levels.

In order to manifest for us what we truly desire our visions have to match up with the frequency of love (500) and joy (540). Slower and heavier emotions cause visions to manifest slowly. If we stay emotionally in higher frequencies, visions manifest fast. The path to that level of love and joy is not by getting rid of the lower vibrational emotions or getting stuck in them but by experiencing them and getting them in flow. The key is not to make anything wrong, bad or a problem. Whatever comes up just is. When we are able to be present with our heavier emotions and see the beauty in them, we can shift out of suffering into a healthy flow of emotions and energy. Our emotions are our friends. We can allow the emotions to inform us of our unmet needs. The way shame and guilt lose their power over us is by looking them straight in their face, acknowledging them and clearing them out with somebody you trust in individual sessions or in a safe workshop space.

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Darryl Gurney is as a heart-centred healer who creates an atmosphere of trust and safety through his loving presence and laughter in all his workshops. “Sexual Moksha – Liberating Your Sensuous Soul for Pleasure, Magic and Creativity” once again has lots of moments of playfulness, light and fun. This is an opportunity to get out of your comfort zone in a safe space. Be prepared to move your bodies and let the inner child come out in sensual experiences.

Sexual Moksha pic

Contact Angelika if you are interested in the 2 day “Sexual Moksha” Workshop in Mississauga from April 23 &24, 2016. Early Bird is April 1.

905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

You might also be interested to read part one of this two part blog, “Sexual Moksha – Sexuality Beyond Our Limiting Beliefs”.

Body Pendulum

Muscle testing is a way to access the subconscious mind and also the superconscious mind or the wisdom of our higher self. Over the years, I have come across a variety of different methods of tuning into our intuition and receiving guidance from a deeper place of wisdom.

In our workshops, we teach the participants how to muscle test others and also introduce them to different self-muscle testing methods. The main thing to remember when you are starting out is to be gentle with yourself. Don’t expect to be an expert from the get-go. Give yourself some time to play around with different methods. Trust that the answers are all inside you and all it takes is enough detachment to receive the answer you are seeking.

One method I would like to share with you today is how to use your body as a pendulum to tap into your intuition and to receive yes/no answers.

  1. Stand in a relaxed lose stance.
  2. Keep your chin level to the ground, your eyes open but looking down.
  3. Say “My name is _______” filling your first name in. You will feel your body swaying a little in a particular direction, take note of where your body is going. Most people sway forward but there is no right or wrong. We are all different. For some people the response is so strong that it feels like they are falling over, for others it is more like a slight internal movement.body pendulum Tia 2
  4. Come back to centre.
  5. Now say “My name is_______”, going across gender to a stranger’s name. If you are female use a male name, if you are male use a female name. You are lying, so your subconscious will respond and give you a “no”.body pendulum Tia 1
  6. Now ask your body, “show me a yes”. And notice in what direction you are swaying.
  7. Come back to centre.
  8. “Show me a no”. Observe in which direction you are swaying.
  9. Now, you can use this method to ask questions. Be specific. Sometimes there is no clear yes or no answer to your question. A good wording to get clear guidance is to ask “It is in the highest wisdom and benefit for me to…”body pendulum C & T 3
  10. If you are looking down to ensure that you are connected to your emotions and subconscious mind, you can also use this to test what your subconscious agrees with and doesn’t agree with. Here are a few examples of beneficial beliefs you could test and change if your subconscious presently does not agree with them:
  • I trust my intuition.
  • This world is a safe place for me.
  • I am gentle and non-judgmental with myself.
  • I deeply and completely love myself.
  • I joyfully release the past and expect the best now and in the future.

 

To change limiting subconscious beliefs into supportive ones, come for an individual session or sign up for our next Shadow Energetics workshop.

Angelika, 905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

For 2016 workshop dates and locations go to Upcoming Workshop.

If you enjoy my posts, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

 

“I Just Want Christmas to Be Over”

Opinions about the holiday season vary greatly. You come across people who truly love Christmas and you come across people who are not that thrilled the holidays are here once again; some even literally hate this time of the year.

How we feel about Christmas—and about celebrating this or other family holidays—depends a lot on what experiences we have had and what beliefs we have learned. Sometimes our apprehension might be connected to missing a person, sometimes to how we get to celebrate. In fact, it’s a time in which we are really tested in regards to negotiating compromises.

With the permission of two clients, I want to share two different Christmas stories today. Both stories started with a depressed sigh and with the sentence, “I just want Christmas to be over”.

The first client was a woman in her fifties. She told me, “Christmas is so stressful; it is just work for me!” And then she listed all the things she had to do and the lack of time to do it. When I asked her how Christmas would look if she could have it exactly the way she wanted, she was speechless for a moment. She had no clear idea. She started saying, “Well, if I could have what I wanted, I wouldn’t have my whole family over and cook for everybody on the 25th, and I wouldn’t go to my in-laws from the 26th to 28th, and I wouldn’t buy so many gifts and… but that’s not possible because everybody is counting on me to do this! If I don’t do it nobody else will!”

So this was clearly a case of negotiating needs. In order to do that, this wonderful giving woman first of all needed to believe that her own needs matter. We needed to teach her subconscious mind more supportive beliefs about herself and her needs, especially in comparison to other people’s needs. She also decided to take an honest look and ask herself what energies she had over-identified with and which opposite energies she had disowned. Her perfectionist, pleaser and care-taker parts were strong personality parts for her. She liked to give to others but because her opposite energies were underdeveloped, she ended up feeling resentful, unappreciated and completely overwhelmed. She needed some more separation from her perfectionist, pleaser and care-taker and had to embrace her own inner child which wanted to have play time and relaxing time over the holidays.

She came for three sessions at the end of last year. I just heard from her a few days ago. She is creating a completely different holiday experience for herself this year. She negotiated that they would only travel up North to stay with the in-laws every other year and that everybody in her family would help with Christmas dinner at her house. “I had to let go of my need to have things ‘just so’, but it was worth it! I actually have found time this year to start cross stitching again; I always used to love needle work. And instead of giving gifts to everybody in the family, we are only doing cards for the adults. All I need to worry about is my grandchildren and it’s fun to shop for them. I am actually enjoying this time of the year! It is wonderful!”

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The second client is a man in his late thirties. When asked why he wants Christmas to be over, he said, “I don’t know. It is just depressing. Just thinking of Christmas shopping makes me break out in a cold sweat; in January we are always in debt because of all the December expenses.” When asked how he envisions a Christmas that meets his needs he replied, “I have no idea! Christmas was always a time I dreaded, going back to the year when my grandpa Miller died” and his eyes filled with tears. He quickly wanted to push that sadness down again but I asked him to sit with it and feel it. It turned out that as a child a few years in a row, traumatic events happened around Christmas: somebody died or moved away or an accident of sorts happened.

Subconsciously, this man still expected the worst to happen at this time of the year. His work was to joyfully release past Christmas experiences and to expect the best Christmas now and in the future. He also chose to change beliefs about being a horrible gift giver and about having to spend a lot of money for Christmas. His son now has a chance to experience a different holiday, one where there are less expensive gifts under the tree but where everybody sits together playing board games and laughing. It’s a Christmas where this dad might finally feel comfortable sharing about his childhood and what his Grandpa Miller was like, a different and special holiday memory for his son.

Wishing you a holiday

If you enjoy my posts, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

Angelika

Belief Change Coaching

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Empty Nest?

Have you ever tried to push an emotion away instead of dealing with it? Doesn’t work so well, does it? It’s a bit like trying to push a beach ball under water. It is bound to pop up again sooner or later.

I had my own week of pushing down a beach ball. Ten days ago, my oldest moved out. She and I have always had a very strong bond. A friend of mine, who has a son a few years older, has been making foreboding remarks about the challenges of adjusting to children moving out for the last few months. Resolutely, I had refused to listen and “have her put suggestions into my head”. After all, her son had no siblings and the term “empty nest” did not apply to me at all.

When you google “empty nest syndrome” definitions like this one come up: “Empty nest syndrome is a feeling of grief and loneliness parents may feel when their children leave home for the first time. This can result in depression and a loss of purpose for parents, since the departure of their children from “the nest” leads to adjustments in parents’ lives. Empty nest syndrome is especially common in full-time mothers.”

Nest 2

I just couldn’t see how that could possibly apply to me. I have my work which I love, a close loving partnership, another daughter and a stepdaughter. Does that sound like an empty nest? I was worried about how my younger daughter would deal with her sister being away from home. I feared she would miss her best friend and mentor. Her older sister is the one she is closely bonded into. However, I was not expecting to feel grief myself.

My daughter moved out on Friday. On Sunday, my stepdaughter, who is an intuitive little one, asked me twice out of the blue “Are you okay?” I replied to her I was feeling tired but secretly started wondering what she was picking up on. By Monday, I was starting to realize that I was suppressing something. The bond with my oldest is strong and I trust it will change and become in some ways even deeper than it is. So that was not it. Yet, I felt moody, restless and just not myself.

It took a couple of meditations and some muscle testing to realize what was being triggered. A very old primal fear came up. I traced it back to being barely four years old. At that time, shifts happened in my family with one of my sisters being born and my mother almost leaving my father due to another crisis. The experience I had back then was that it is not safe for me when shifts happen among the people I love. Once I had uncovered that limiting belief, it was easy to clear it out.

Nest 5

We can clear out fears or limiting beliefs using PSYCH-K® or another belief change technique. In addition it can help to use NLP-based techniques of refocusing on what we want at this point in our life. This helps us to further adapt to changes and to be able to direct our creative energy towards our own/new goals.

Sometimes we underestimate periods of transition in our life. We are getting married or moving in with someone. We are having a baby. We are melting two families. Somebody moves out. We are getting a promotion into a more challenging position. Somebody in the family is retiring. All these are usually “happy” events. Yet, just like losing our job, a break-up of a relationship, a separation, a divorce or losing somebody through death, transitions shake us and require adjustments. They can trigger emotions and fears. They might bring limiting beliefs up to the surface. They are, however, a gift. They are an opportunity to do our growth work.

Are you going through a transition in your life?

For Life Coaching and Emotional Healing Work

Contact Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

If you enjoy my posts, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

The Patriarch and Matriarch Within

Have you heard statements like “men just don’t know how to be caring and nurturing”, “men are responsible for the mess this world is in” and “if it were up to women, there would be no wars”? Or “men think with their penises and only want one thing”? Or what about, “If men had to give birth, the human race would be extinct”?

When we ask ourselves honestly, in the tradition of Byron Katie, “is this true?” and “can we absolutely know this is true?” we have to admit that these statements reflect the speaker’s opinion and belief system. All these statements are generalizations based on certain beliefs. They are just as untrue and general as saying “women should leave high profile jobs with good salaries to men”, or “women should stay home for the children”, or “a woman’s place is in the kitchen”, or “cleaning is women’s work”, or “women are more emotional and less rational than men”.

The latter statements we might categorize as chauvinistic and patronizing. We can see that they have originated from a patriarchal world view. We fancy ourselves modern enough not to buy into the idea that women are inferior to men. We feel they deserve equal rights and opportunities. Yet, what is going on in our subconscious mind? What beliefs have we been conditioned with in regards to gender?

In the Psychology of Selves, we have a model of the different parts in us which all make up who we are. There is also a part in us who has learned the patriarchal beliefs and has become the voice of the Patriarch inside of us. The Inner Patriarch voice sees women as inferior. While the outer patriarchy is visible and can be called out on its lack of truth or gender equality, the inner voice is sneaky. It is the invisible force that holds women back to be whole human beings and to freely choose the life they want to live.

That Inner Patriarch voice might be saying that the needs of men are more important; or that being a woman, it is not okay to speak up to a man, to say “no” to him, to disagree with him and/or be assertive. Or it might be reflected in a fear that it is not safe to be a woman in this world. The voice may be convinced that a woman is not as good in math and science and not capable of repairing things; that women in important positions cannot be trusted; or that a single woman or divorced women is a spinster who in some way is lacking and unable to catch a man.

When I first came across the concept of the Inner Patriarch, I was convinced that I had none of those beliefs. I had to admit that they existed in my psyche as well and determined certain feelings, decisions or behaviours. They sometimes sit deep in our subconscious mind. We are so used to them that we do not even recognize them anymore, but we might wonder why we feel and act one way and not another.

What about men? Do they have a similar inner voice that holds them back? What happens to a man who grows up without a confident male role model in a household of women who dislike males? A boy who has a strong mother figure who disapproves of or ridicules his feelings and behaviours just because he is male? For example, a controlling, overbearing mother or step-mother who secretly feels threatened by his masculinity and makes sure that all male energy is labelled as unacceptable.

The Inner Matriarch is proud of women. That part has a high respect for women and for traditionally feminine traits. She is a warrior: neither impressed nor intimidated by men. As such, this voice serves women and balances out the Inner Patriarch. The Inner Matriarch thinks women are actually far superior to men. They are stronger—even if not always physically—able to endure pain better, cleverer because they won’t be played by other women like men will; they are more mature and realize what is really important; they are in touch with their feelings; they are more compassionate, caring, loving and much more intuitive; thus they must be the better healers and spiritually much more advanced.

Sidra Stone - quoteThe Inner Matriarch voice can support women not to be ashamed, apologetic or defensive about being a woman. The Inner Matriarch encourages women to be proud of themselves. However, it puts down not only men but traditionally male qualities in men and women.

What happens when a man grows up hearing all the time that men are inferior to women because only women are biologically capable of taking care of what is really important? He feels the judgement of the women raising him and experiences that speaking up, standing up for himself and his needs, and claiming his male power is looked down upon or even smothered in the core.

I believe that this can only go two ways. Either the man grows up over-identifying with the traditional male qualities of power, competition, and being disconnected from his own and other people’s emotions. More often than not, however, the result is a man who is deeply insecure in his own masculinity and is afraid to speak up to strong women. Although intuitive and longing to step into traditionally more feminine qualities while still maintaining his masculinity, he is hesitant to claim his wholeness.

More and more men seem to be lost. They don’t know how to be compassionate, caring, loving, intuitive males who at the same time are strong, confident, self-assured and powerful. If they have learned that there is something wrong with traditionally more masculine qualities and that as males they are just never as good in traditionally feminine roles, they find themselves between a rock and a hard place.

The future of the human race, however, lies in the hands of all of us, men and women. Our planet needs both the Divine Feminine as well as the Divine Masculine. We need whole human beings who are loving, compassionate, caring, nurturing, cooperative, passive, introverted, emotional and at the same time strong, assertive, powerful, active, extroverted and rational—independent of their gender.

If you want to work on separation from the Inner Patriarch and/or the Inner Matriarch, or change other limiting beliefs into more supportive beliefs please contact

Angelika

Belief Change Coaching & Shadow Work

Tel. 905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

If you enjoy my posts, you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the “follow” button in the right-hand corner of your screen.

The Five Blind Men and the Elephant

blindmen & elephant

Have you heard the Asian tale of the five blind men and the elephant? Five blind men come upon an elephant. They have never heard of an elephant. The first man feels a leg of the elephant. He says, “Ah, I know what this is! An elephant is a pillar!” The second man grabs the tail. “Ah,” he concludes, “an elephant is a rope.” The third man touches the trunk and decides an elephant is a snake. The fourth one happens to touch the ear and decides an elephant must be a hand fan. And the fifth one upon touching the tusk is convinced an elephant is a spear.

All five of them have only perceived part of the truth. All five of them have also interpreted their perception based on their old subjective experiences and beliefs about the world. They are only able to interpret what their functioning sense of touch picks up based on the individual “bucket” of beliefs and experiences they come from.

One of the hardest things for us humans seems to be not to jump to conclusions, to remember that our perception is limited and that facts only become a story based on our interpretations. In her book, “My Stroke of Insight”, Jill Bolte-Taylor describes well how our left brain, which she calls our “story teller”, perceives certain facts and how it fills in the gaps between these facts with an interpretation or meaning. We create our story based on those facts. When we come across more facts, we need to revise our interpretation, as the original story otherwise doesn’t match all the facts.

blindmen & elephant leg QUOTE

James N Miller is certainly not alone. Even though I am aware of how our brain functions, it still happens to me that I jump to conclusions. The other day, I sent an email to somebody asking the person for a favour and I did not hear back. I assumed she was reluctant to meet my request. A couple of weeks later, I found out I had sent the email to one of her e-mail addresses which she doesn’t use much. Instead of jumping to a conclusion based on a fear that my request would not be met, I should have followed up again by phone.

blindmen & elephant trunk QUOTEWhen we have children and they come home from school with a story about their day, we sometimes as parents tend to jump to conclusions because we only hear their side of the story. We are convinced the teacher or another child has not treated our child well. As a mother, I had to remind myself several times over the past twenty plus years of the “in dubio pro reo” principle. If there is any doubt or possibility that I have not gathered all the Intel, I should not judge, yet.

Thankfully, I was a teacher for many years and have seen parents show up in school with only part of the story, or with a misinterpretation based either on limited facts or on their own expectations or beliefs about school, or both. Yet, my first response as a mother still was to feel protective of my daughter and want to call up the school to defend her. The reminder that I need to gather more facts before I jump to the conclusion that somebody has treated my child unfairly saved me from making a fool of myself a few times.

Teachers also appreciate when they are approached calmly by a concerned parent. As parents, we can be strong advocates for our children without getting angry and accusing anybody. Having been on both ends of the table, I know that non-violent communication works best and teaches our children that we can talk about any problems.

My mother was passionate and expressive. Even though she wasn’t Italian, she could easily have passed as the proverbial Italian. Happiness was loud, she had the greatest laugh, and so was anger. She was often jumping to conclusions and getting angry at my teachers. Part of me understood she wanted to protect me, another part was really embarrassed by her response. It wasn’t productive. The older I became, I told my mother less and less about school, because I was afraid she would create problems where there were none. Whenever I feel the impulse to defend my children, I remind myself what it was like to have a mother who acts impulsively.

With all our interactions, let’s remember that everybody perceives a situation through their own filters. There is no absolute truth. We are only capable of perceiving an aspect of the truth based on the facts we have access to, our beliefs and our previous experiences. Next time we feel ready to judge a person or situation, let’s keep in mind that we might not have the whole picture, just like the five blind men with the elephant.

blindmen & elephant tusk QUOTE

Angelika

Belief Change Coaching

Hypnosis & PSYCH-K®

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

If you are enjoying my posts you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the follow button in the right hand corner of your screen.

Waiting for Others to Change

I had several conversations in the last couple of weeks which all boiled down to the same two key questions.

I talked to a young woman who is dreaming about moving abroad and having the adventure of her lifetime. What is holding her back? Her story about her relationship is her block. She is waiting for her boyfriend to “grow-up and come with her”. Her story is, “he either has to change and get on board, or I have to break up with him to live my life the way I want to. And I don’t want to break up with him.” While she is waiting for him to change, she is robbing herself of enjoying the relationship for what it is in the moment. He feels her disappointment, which underneath the surface is already growing into resentment. Her energy of waiting for him to be different from who he is choosing to be in this moment in time is slowly eating away at the relationship.

Waiting 3

The key question for her is, “Can you love him the way he is right now?” If the answer is no, it is time to break up. If the answer is “yes”, and “I can just enjoy being with him in this moment in time. I don’t need to know what is going to happen next year,” this relationship will still have lots of growth and learning opportunities for her.

The second key question is, “Can you love yourself enough to make the choice which is most empowering for yourself? What is most loving for you to do, if the change you are hoping for does not occur?” Her answer was clear. “It is most self-loving for me to move abroad without him.” Some of the beliefs the young woman had to change were: “It’s okay for me to say good-bye”, “I can handle loss well”, “I release all responsibility for others”, “I am loyal to myself and my own dreams and goals” and “I am only responsible for my own life”.

I spoke to a man who is waiting for his fiancée to clear up her debt. His condition for getting married to her is that she clears out her debt first. He has been waiting for a long time and the longer it takes, the more judgmental he seems to feel. He is not enjoying the relationship anymore. He feels helpless and out of control because she seemingly is sabotaging his timeline for buying a house and starting a family. He is asking himself why she does not love him enough to cut down her expenses and clear out the debt. That question is coming from HIS fear of not being lovable. Her love for him has absolutely nothing to do with her financial struggles.

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I can completely emphasize with not wanting to be affected by somebody’s debt. Yet, the same key questions apply for him: “Do you just love her when she is a good little girl and changes in the way and time you feel she should, or can you love her the way she is right now?” At the same time, he has to be very honest with himself and ask the second key question, “What is most self-loving for me to do, have or be in this situation?” He can continue waiting and feeling resentful. He can break up with her and attract a partner who is financially more stable. Or he can find a way to keep their finances separate, move forward in some way and love her, independent of her financial situation.

Some possible beliefs to test and balance for this young man were: “I love others for who they are and not for what they do”, “Our value as a person is independent from our financial worth”, “I trust my fiancée to make the decisions which are right for her” and “I deserve to keep my finances separate and feel financially secure”.

I had a conversation with a woman who is waiting for her husband of over 30 years to finally “get healthy”. She works out, watches what she eats, and uses natural remedies when she needs to. He is overweight, makes unhealthy food and drink choices and self-medicates heavily for all sorts of issues. The more she wants him to live healthier, the more he resists. He doesn’t hear that she is worried that he is causing damage to his body, or that she is afraid that he might not live as long as she. All he hears is criticism. He feels not good enough and is overwhelmed by her discipline and determination to have a healthy life style.

Pushing him won’t get her anywhere. She has to ask herself the same questions the young girl and the young man have to ask. “Can I take my energy back that I have invested into him changing and love him the way he is?” The second question is: “What is most self-loving for me to do, have or be in this situation?” If she just focuses on her own health and enjoys her wellness, he might want to join her. Nobody is going to change from a place of judgment; however, from a place of loving acceptance, it becomes possible. She might need to affirm or balance at a subconscious level, “I trust my husband to make the choices which are right for him”, and “I release any worry about the future and enjoy my life with him right now”.


Encouraging somebody to be the best they can be is different from investing our entire energy into them needing to change. Waiting, hoping or pushing for others to change, can distract us from making our own changes. We can get so busy criticising or fixing them, that we forget to do our own work.

Focusing on what is “wrong” with the other person, also has an immediate effect on how we experience life. We are in relationships to learn and grow. One of the main lessons is to learn to love others and ourselves unconditionally. Love is the best soil for growth and for change. As long as our energy is going toward wanting to change our partner, parent or child, we are robbing ourselves of appreciating and loving them for who they are. We are postponing being happy to a point in the future when the change we want has occurred; we are ultimately depriving ourselves of true happiness.

Waiting 1

If you are enjoying my posts you can follow Greendoor to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to click the follow button in the right hand corner of your screen.  

Angelika

Life and Belief Change Coaching, PSYCH-K®

905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

The Dance of Our Parts in Relationships – PART 2 Bonding Patterns

To understand how we interact with our spouse or partner, we need to know about our inner children and about bonding patterns.

BONDING PATTERNS

Bonding patterns are basic units of interaction between people. The primary bonding pattern emerges at birth between the child needing nurturing and the mother giving nurturing. Our primary bonding patterns with our parents or primary care givers become recreated in all our relationships as adults. We are able to solve the issues from our original families in those new relationships.

The mother parts of the woman are bonded into the son parts of the man, and visa versa, the father parts of the man are bonded into the daughter parts of the woman. Bonding patterns represent the interactions between our sub-personalities or selves.

Our Aware Ego allows us to become aware of the bonding patterns, for example to realize that we are in our inner child part in an interaction, or our parent part in another interaction. Through this awareness, I can separate from this bonding pattern. The bonding pattern itself won’t disappear but I am able to meet my partner from the place of my Aware Ego. It gives us choices in our interactions as opposed to interacting automatically.

Hal & Sidra 5

Hal and Sidra Stone

Hal and Sidra Stone are very clear that there is nothing wrong with the parent-child bonding pattern. It is a basic unit of interaction. It is always present in our love relationships. It happens automatically and allows us to be intimate and close. When we love somebody we are protective and want to take care of them. Judging these bonding patterns as “co-dependency” is not helpful. As human beings, we are naturally inter-dependent. The key is to become aware of the bonding dynamics in our relationships, enjoy them when they have a positive impact, but also separate from them when they cause problems.

The positive bonding pattern can tip over into a negative bonding pattern. When the negative bonding pattern is activated because our vulnerability is triggered, we might switch from “good parent” to “judgmental parent”, and that’s when we realize we are in a bonding pattern.

Let’s take an example. Mark makes more money than Barbara and enjoys buying gifts for her or surprising her with get-aways or other special activities. Barbara feels good about having things bought for her as it reminds her of her father who had a similar love language to show his affection. Over time, she is getting used to those gifts and might ask Mark for something more expensive, for example a bigger house. At that point, Mark’s vulnerability is triggered and his fear that he is unable to keep up these expenses. If he is not aware of his fear—and most of us aren’t—he will move from the loving caring father who fulfilled Barbara’s desires into the judgmental father. Barbara is stunned to hear him say, “You are really ungrateful and spoiled. Why do you need an even bigger house? Who do you think you are married to? A millionaire?”

Barbara’s inner child is surprised and hurt and she might in turn judge Mark now as being controlling with money or cheap. With awareness, they are able to realize they are in a parent-child bonding pattern. Mark can then from his Aware Ego explain to Barbara, “My fear was triggered by you asking for the bigger house. I am worried we won’t be able to carry a higher mortgage. Several people have been laid off at my company and I am afraid this might happen to me as well down the road.” Instead of having to protect her inner child by going into a primary personality part to defend herself, Barbara can now respond with love and understanding from her own vulnerable part.

We have to be kind to each other and ourselves when it comes to these bonding patterns. They are natural and we spend a lot of time living in these bonding patterns. Most bonding patterns exist in a positive form. They are not causing trouble. As long as Mark is behaving like a good father and Barbara is the pleasing compliant grateful daughter they might not even realize they are in a bonding pattern. However, the moment Mark becomes the negative father to the frightened little girl inside Barbara, it lets them discover that Mark was taking on the role of responsible father and Barbara was letting him take all the financial responsibility.

This bonding pattern also exists the other way round. When our inner child isn’t taken care of by us, our inner child will hook into our partner and expect them to take care of him (or her). When real physical children come along, and the woman is all focussed on nurturing the little baby, the little boy in the man can become triggered. He might unconsciously drift into a more passive role and let the good mother in the woman run the show. He most likely is not even aware that the only way he feels he can get her attention is by being a little boy himself. That can quickly tip over into a negative bonding pattern when the woman refuses to mother her partner as well because she feels overwhelmed and vulnerable with her new role already.

A bonding pattern tips over when our vulnerability is triggered. That could be because we are frightened, hungry, tired, abandoned, lonely or feeling misunderstood, unappreciated or unloved. When our needs aren’t met, a primary self comes in and takes over. We might get angry or judgmental. These conflicts can go on for a long time or be re-activated over and over again, especially if we are not aware of the mirrors and our disowned selves.

When I have disowned certain things in myself which my partner carries for me, I might get angry at what I don’t like in myself. If Susan is over-identified with being productive and her partner is able to relax and do nothing, she might begin to criticize and judge him for being “lazy” or a “procrastinator”. If John is more serious and his partner is more playful, he might over time judge her as being “immature” and “childish”. If Rita is thrifty and her partner is less concerned with saving money, she might judge him as “irresponsible” and “wasteful”. The ability to relax, be playful or be generous which each of them originally loved in their partner is later on the trigger for judgments.

They might express these judgmental opinions either in words or with looks and in turn their partner will flip into judgmental parent judging them for the opposite. At that point, love “goes out the window”. What once was dear and fascinating to them about their partner is what they now hate. The partner’s inner child feels betrayed and is quite confused, “Wasn’t this the wonderful person who at the beginning loved me for who I am?”

Our disowned selves which we are so ready to criticize in the other person become the bats we are beating each other up with. We forget that what our partner mirrors for us is what we need to embrace and heal inside ourselves. We need to stop when we find ourselves being judgmental and examine how our vulnerability was triggered. How do I really feel underneath this judgmental voice?

We also need to realize that no energy is bad. Energy exists in polar opposites when we have not fully integrated an energy. What if Susan allowed herself to relax more and just be in the moment without the pressure to be productive? What if John took life less seriously and allowed himself to be more playful and laugh more? What if Rita realized her fear is triggered around money but that she can allow herself to be more generous without ending in poverty or debt?

It’s the job of the Aware Ego, not your partner’s responsibility, to properly parent your own inner child. Like a real parent, the Aware Ego has to learn to be a parent to the primary selves and to the vulnerable child. That parent voice is not critical or harsh like the inner critic or a primary self can sound. The parent voice is encouraging, loving and takes care of the inner child’s needs.

If I consciously take care of my own inner child, I won’t expect my partner to do it for me. That prevents these negative bonding patterns from continuing and opens up opportunities to communicate openly about our true feelings and our vulnerability. By taking care of my own inner child, I give myself the gift to have deep, intimate, mutually supportive and honest relationships.

 

If you want to listen to Hall & Sidra Stone’s “The Dance of Our Parts in Relationships”, go to http://www.voicedialogueinternational.com/bookshop.php

Hal & Sidra 4

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Relationship Coaching

Angelika wide picture for blogs smaller

Angelika, 905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

The Dance of Our Parts in Relationships – PART ONE Primary Personality Parts

“Relationships don’t die a natural death.

They are murdered by either

ego, attitude or ignorance

or all of the above.”

 Rose

(Rose Saroyan, Karmic DNA)

My friend Rose Saroyan couldn’t have said it better. My own marriage to the father of my daughters died the death of ignorance and a good portion of ego—mostly my ego—ten years ago. What I mean by that is, we could have made it work, knowing what I know today. Less ignorance and less ego would have allowed us to heal what was greatly strained after 13 years of marriage. We fostered a little girl for several years, and had two daughters of our own. We moved from Germany to Malaysia, back to Germany and then to Canada, starting all over each time. We went through a lot together without ever really knowing ourselves and the dynamic in our relationship.

After the death of our marriage, we created the second best thing: we build a respectful friendship as co-parents of two wonderful children. Yet, the fact remains that the love relationship died—like so many others—because we were not taught about our shadows. Our partners—just as our parents and children—are our mirrors. They bring out all our challenges, not so we can run away from them, but so that we can face them.

For quite a while now, I have been meaning to write about Hal and Sidra Stone’s insights on partnering and relationships. To do their extensive teachings justice, I will need to lay the foundations first. I have decided to write a series of two blogs on relationships, rather than leaving something important out.

Relationships are remarkable teachers for all of us and offer huge personal and spiritual growth opportunities. It usually is so easy to fall in love with each other and be fascinated by the ways in which the other person is different from us but complements us so beautifully. Then a few years down the road, we might find ourselves feeling irritated by exactly what we originally fell in love with in the other person. Why is that?

A relationship is not between two people but between two groups of people. Any relationship involves a multitude of selves in each person interacting with similar or opposite selves in the other person. To explain this further, let me elaborate on the idea of parts of selves.

 

PRIMARY PERSONALITY PARTS

We come into this world vulnerable, and our primary personality parts—which we develop growing up—protect that vulnerability. The objective of our primary selves is to protect the vulnerable inner child. Those could be power selves which allow us to protect our vulnerability by being angry or aggressive; or they could be ambitious selves which help us to make money and be successful; or they could be pleasing selves or gentle selves which make us lovable to the people around us.

The primary selves can take many different forms. It is hard to know what our primary selves are because we tend to identify with them. We see them as “that’s just how I am,” instead of realizing that they are just one energy we have inside us and that we have the freedom to step into another completely different energy. We tend to think we have a fixed unchanging personality, for example, “I am hard working, tough and aggressive”, or “I am sweet, loving, gentle and giving” or “I am passionate, dramatic and emotional”.

On the other side of every primary self, there is an equal and opposite energy. If I grew up identified with power and aggression, on the other side of that energy, there is somebody within me who is vulnerable and weak. If I grew up learning to always put others first and be selfless, on the other side of that energy, there is somebody who puts him or herself first.

Whatever it is that we have disowned in ourselves, that is exactly what the Universe is going to bring to us. The opposite and equal energy which we have disowned will be lived out through our children, our friends, our acquaintances, our business associates, even our animals, and most of all our husband or wife.

Hal & Sidra 2

Hall and Sidra Stone

Sidra, for example, when she first met Hal, was a very rational planner; organized, solution-oriented and careful with money. Hal was more of a dreamer, a visionary, trusting the Universe rather than carefully planning, able to sit in the discomfort of a problem rather than solving it in the fastest way, and a spender.

When we first fall in love with somebody, the vulnerable child feels safe, feels unconditionally loved and accepted. The primary selves can relax and sit back and stop protecting. We are more able to act from the opposites of our primary selves which are also available to us. If my primary self is, for example, serious and mature, I might be able to be more playful and light-hearted. Or, perhaps, I am a very busy person, always productive, using my time efficiently, making sure I never waste any time. When I fall in love and feel absolutely accepted the way I am, I don’t have to be busy to prove I am lovable. I don’t have to accomplish anything. My primary pusher self can relax. Suddenly, I discover I have time to just be in the moment, to take a walk, or to just talk to somebody.

Another thing that happens when we fall in love is that our inner critic, which always finds something to criticize and correct in us, disappears for a while. All of a sudden, I feel perfect; I feel lovable the way I am.

After a while, stress enters into the relationship and the vulnerable inner child feels threatened again. To protect that vulnerable part, our primary selves come back to fight for us.

TO BE CONTINUED

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For relationship coaching contact Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

The Growth Choice Versus the Fear Choice

If you are not satisfied with what you do and you keep postponing starting a new career or business, have you actually avoided making a decision?

If you are avoiding speaking to your partner or ex-partner about an important issue, are you really postponing making that difficult decision?

If you are struggling financially and you find yourself going deeper and deeper into debt and you don’t make changes, are you able to escape making a decision?

In all three cases, you have made several decisions or choices. You have made the choice not to be in control of your life. You have made the choice to remain stagnant. You have made the choice to allow others to make the decisions for you. You have given away the opportunity to have an in-put and find a compromise. Your partner will most likely make his or her own decision without you, and your debtors are most probably going to react to your financial situation. In each case, you have deluded yourself that you are not making a decision, but you have, in fact, made a fear choice over a growth choice.

We are making choices all the time! We cannot live life without making choices in every given moment. “The Universe is Decisive” (Raymond Charles Barker). We exist in and are part of a Universe in which we are constantly co-creating our reality. The Law of Mind, as the Science of Mind teachers call it, or the Law of Attraction, as it is called in the Abraham teachings, is clear: We are constantly manifesting from our thoughts, feelings, words, decisions and actions. It is not possible to NOT make a choice.

The choice not to make a choice is a choice in itself. It’s the choice to stay “in limbo”. And on the other side of indecisive energy is decisive energy. When we are indecisive, we draw in other people who are decisive and will make decisions for us. The choice to let somebody else make the choices for us IS a choice. We give away our power of decision. We give away an opportunity to self-actualize consciously.

Abraham Maslow choices

We are human and we make fear choices over growth choices all the time. We might choose to stay in an unhappy relationship out of the fear of being alone. We may choose to not move from a financially secure job into a more fulfilling but less secure one. We might avoid important talks out of fear of conflict.

Be compassionate with yourself when you notice a pattern of making fear choices. Just don’t delude yourself that other people and forces control your life when you are the one who has made the choice to relinquish control.

“Have no fear of negative patterns you may uncover in your mind. They are ready to be known and dismissed.” (Raymond Charles Barker, The Power of Decision, 187) When you find that you tend to behave or act, think or feel in a certain pattern, celebrate that you have found a pattern. Now that your conscious mind is aware of a pattern which you would like to change, you can begin your work. Such a pattern could be “when somebody is not pleased with me or criticises me, I feel rejected” or “I jump to the rescue of people with a victim consciousness, enabling them to remain a victim” or “when somebody is angry, I retreat into feeling helpless instead of constructively solving a problem” or “when I feel sad and not good enough, I overeat to push my emotions down”.

This Universe is fractal in itself. There are repetitive patterns everywhere. They show up in nature, in the history of mankind and in everybody’s individual history. The same patterns show up over and over again until we become aware of them and consciously change them. Within this choice is a decision again: the decision to break a pattern, no matter how long it has been present, the decision to change something that has not been working for us.

 

Raymond Charles Barker mountain valley quote

 

Related blog:

http://greendoorrelaxation.net/2013/07/01/what-if-i-make-a-wrong-decision/

 

Life Coaching, Changing of Beliefs and Habitual Patterns

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

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Happiness Formula

Around this time of the year, when we are doing our taxes, we might find ourselves re-assessing our charitable donations for the previous year. We might ask if we want to continue donating to the charities or organizations that we have donated to so far; are they still close to our heart, or do we want to re-direct that money and donate our time and/or money somewhere else?

Why is it an important question to ask? Because giving to others is an essential part of our own health and happiness. And the more we believe in a charitable cause and truly give from our heart, the more that heart energy circles back to us. By helping where we can, we acknowledge that we are all connected and inter-dependant. It is an opportunity for us to make a difference. Our voluntary choices, which include making the choice to give to others, make up 40% of our experience of being at peace with our life or of what we also refer to as happiness.

The Chopra Well Launch Event

Deepak Chopra talks about a formula for happiness which scientists have found. This formula for Happiness is

H = S + C + V

Happiness = the Set Point in the Brain + the Conditions of Living + our Voluntary Choices

The Set Point in the Brain is the happiness we received in our genes, what we experienced in uterus and in the first three years of our life. That “ability” for happiness makes about 50% of our feeling of happiness. This sounds terrible given that most of us had experiences as young children with parents or other care givers who weren’t really happy themselves. However, the good news is, the set point in the brain can be rewired, changed with belief work, with cognitive therapy (questioning our thoughts and beliefs) or with techniques like Hypnosis or PSYCH-K® that rewire the subconscious mind. We can unlearn old limiting or negative beliefs and overwrite them with supporting positive beliefs about ourselves and our world.

The Conditions of Living, which we always like to think are the only determining factor for our happiness, are responsible for only 10% of our happiness! How much money we have, for example, does not make us lastingly happy. It has been shown that even when somebody wins in the lottery, their level of happiness after a while returns to the level it was at before.

That leaves 40% for the Voluntary Choices. Those are choices we make for pure pleasure (e.g. activities, food, sex etc.) and even more importantly choices that bring us fulfillment (being creative or spiritual, being helpful and giving, for example donating our time or money to a charity, or simply making someone else happy through attention, affection and appreciation) The more we give positive attention to others, the more we show them affection and appreciation, the happier we are and the happier they are. The secret ingredients to Happiness are the three As: Attention, Affection and Appreciation.

happiness-formula

There is one more factor to Happiness not contained in this formula, which is the Existential Unhappiness when we have resentments or other negative feelings about the past or worry about the future. The human being is the only creature who can replay negative events from the past and make him/herself thoroughly unhappy in the present, or worry about not being happy in the future with the same effect. Knowing this, it is important to let go of the past and not worry overly about the future.

 

For Hypnosis, PSYCH-K® or Forgiveness/Letting Go Work contact Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

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A Cold – Your Body Speaks Your Mind

cold remedies

We are taught that colds are caused by viruses and that you will catch a cold when your immune system is not strong. The classic recommendation to boost your immune system is vitamin C. Yet, why is our immune system sometimes strong enough, other times not, despite following all the rules of getting enough sleep and maintaining healthy nutrition to keep up our immune system? Every physical issue has an emotional and mental component which has been left out of the equation in the explanation above.

It is not a coincidence when you get sick with a cold. The common cold is linked to a conflict in our life, a situation of overwhelm or stress. Your mind might literally be speaking through your body by saying “This situation stinks! I’ve had enough!” A cold can tell us that we are stressed out and need time off, or it can be connected to emotional issues.

Louise Hay points out that upper respiratory illnesses are related to “too much going on at once, mental confusion, disorder, small hurts” (L. Hay, Heal Your Body, 25). Sinus problems are an “irritation to one person, someone close” (L. Hay, Heal Your Body, 63). When I have a sinus problem I am usually annoyed with or angry at somebody else – or at myself. I need to acknowledge my anger and release it. A sore throat can be connected to “Holding in angry words, feeling unable to express the self” (L. Hay, Heal Your Body, 64).

Deb Shapiro explains that “colds, runny nose, and tears are all related—mucus and tears are both ways of releasing repressed or pent-up emotions. You may feel the same helplessness and despair, the same need for comfort. So, if you have a bad cold, you may want to see if there is some crying or grieving you are repressing, some deep feeling that has been pushed aside.” (Shapiro, Your Body Speaks Your Mind, 184) Some questions she suggests to ask yourself are: Do you need some time to yourself to adjust to something? Is this a cry for attention because everyone seems to be taking you for granted? Do you need to get ill in order to be taken care of?

Louise Bourbeau clarifies that “a cold will often manifest as a result of congestion on a mental level, especially when there’s so much going on in your head that you don’t know which way to turn.” (Bourbeau, Your Body’s Telling You: Love Yourself, 149) Our body can be quite literal. When we are “stuffed up” our emotional “stuff” is coming up. Key questions to explore the situation further are: What is this cold preventing me from doing or having? What is it allowing me to do or have? What am I experiencing and how do I feel about it?

cold - scrabble board 2b

The phase of the cold when we have the symptoms is already the healing phase. Preceding that phase in which we are sneezing and coughing is the conflict phase. This conflict can be an event in our life. Sometimes it is a major event like losing our job, the break-up of a relationship or our pet dying, sometimes an event like a fight with our partner or being stressed about a situation at work. During this conflict we are in fight or flight mode.

After the conflict is resolved, our body goes into recovery mode. The body needs to heal and the symptoms of the healing are a runny nose, a headache, a sore throat, a cough etc. If the conflict does not get resolved, we might find ourselves in phase two having the cold symptoms as well because we get so exhausted from the conflict that our body is forcing us to rest. However, if the original conflict is not resolved, the cycle repeats and we will get sick again soon. Repeating cycles of this kind can manifest in serious illnesses.

Another mental factor of getting a cold is our belief system regarding illnesses. Beliefs like “I always get a cold in February” or “I get three colds every winter” affect us as much as a positive belief like “My immune system is strong. I hardly ever get sick”.

Illnesses will never be completely extinguished, no matter how much scientific research we invest into finding cures because it is the natural way of our body to communicate with us. To be healthier, we need to listen to our mind speak through our body and respond to the messages. There is an amazing intelligence in this mind-body-system which has the purpose to keep us emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually well.

 

Are you curious to find out what your body is telling you through physical issues and how you can respond to those messages?

Book a session with

Angelika, 905-286-9466, greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

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