Her 90th Birthday – A Mother’s Legacy

If my mom was still alive, she would have turned 90 at the end of June. Since she passed in early July 2012, I have written different stories and blogs about her. Some were fictional short stories, like the story “The Ring”, which I published earlier this year. Others like “Turn Your Face to the Sun”, “My Mother’s Pearls”, “Your Mother’s Story” and “Perfectly Imperfect Mother” were simply reflections. Writing was my way to process the relationship and the loss, and to continue the bond with my mom.

In our society we learn a lot of myths about grief, including how long one should grieve and in what way one should process the loss. We often forget that a relationship with somebody who passed continues beyond their death. We still think of them, talk about or with them, and when milestones happen, we will imagine what they would say or feel about a certain family event or even what advice they might have when a decision needs to be made.

But not all our loved ones were good at giving advice, or perhaps we were not open to hearing them because of the judgments we held. Undeniably, some of our family members were not the perfect spouse, perfect sibling, perfect parent, or perfect grandparent. We might have mixed feelings about them and there is nothing wrong with that. All relationships have ups and downs, wonderful moments and challenges alike. And some relationships were simply abusive and impacted us greatly.

There are many ways in which we can process a loss and carry on a loved one’s legacy. We can continue doing the things they were good at, or we can even focus on what they taught us through choices that weren’t the strongest choices. In that case, their legacy entails what not to repeat in the same or a similar way in our lives.

Every year on my mom’s birthday, we eat paella to celebrate her and connect with one of the places she loved, which was Spain. In the same year in which my mom passed, we traveled to Barcelona and walked in her footsteps in the city she lived in and loved in the 1950s. My mom spoke Spanish just as fluently as her mother tongue German. She also spoke English and French and could very quickly pick up new languages or regional accents. She loved to dance and laugh. She was incredibly brave in some ways, especially as a young woman, and when she set her mind to something, she was persistent. At 80 years old, she was still going to the fitness studio almost daily and looked like she was 65 or 70. She also carried traumas, struggled with an addiction, and had other weaknesses and flaws like all of us. I have memories of a tender caring mom and I also have memories of a mom who drowned her pain in alcohol.

Processing a loss often includes being comfortable with ambiguity. It does not serve us to bedevil a person, nor to put them on a pedestal. We can have compassion with their struggles, yet also acknowledge how their actions (or non-actions) have affected others around them. Unless we acknowledge what effect something had on us, we cannot possibly be compassionate with ourselves and heal our own wounds.

In their book, “The Grief Recovery Process,” John W. James and Russell Friedman have emphasized the importance of creating a balanced memory. One of the exercises in their program is to draw a relationship graph and fill in positive memories you have with your loved one above the timeline, and negative ones below the timeline. One or the other might be easier to find, but the instructions are to find at least three of each. Even when it feels like the relationship was only filled with negative moments, there were times in which the other person gave us something, even something that we might feel is normal, like food and shelter.

When you sit with the question “What is his/her legacy?” you will come up with several smaller or bigger ways in which they taught us something or embody something worth continuing. Or there are things they have not done that you decide to do differently. That, too, is their gift to you. In fact, both might be the case.

Continuing a legacy could be something simple like showing interest in other people, if that is what your deceased family member or friend was good at, or connecting with nature, if that is what they loved, or staying fit and healthy, if that is what they valued, and so on. They might have shown a character trait we need to embrace more, for example be more outspoken or be more sensitive or be more daring.

However, there also lies great value in what they did not do. My mom, for example, never saw a therapist or made any other attempts to heal her traumas. That was just simply not done in her generation and culture. She also never worked on improving her marriage. I see that as part of her legacy as well. Not surprisingly, helping others to do their inner work and healing their relationships has become my calling and my profession.

 

Online Coaching

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

Before booking a session, you will get the opportunity to have a free 20-minute phone consultation.

MARRIAGE: Tired of Arguments and Unsolvable Problems

COVID-19 has created an unusual situation for our marriages and close love relationships. Suddenly many couples were forced to live and work in close quarters, often struggling with financial hardships and worried about their health, about educating and entertaining their children at home and about the future in general. For some couples, having the forced time together has rekindled their love and refocused them and their families on what is truly important: their relationships with each other. For other couples, the close and constant proximity has highlighted their differences and accentuated their conflicts and doubts to a point where the pressure has become unbearably painful.

When World War II started, there was a sudden increase in marriages. Unsure of what the future held and perhaps trying to give their lives some normalcy, hope, and joy, many more couples found their way to the altar. These life and death situations seem to force us to make hard decisions one way or another. They bring up our vulnerability and make us realize that life is short and that everything is transient. These moments might push us into getting married or, the opposite, into giving up on our marriage. Perhaps we are also desperately struggling to find something that we are in control of when life is so unpredictable.

Several times over the last few months I have heard from clients, “I am so tired of the same arguments and frustrations. We just don’t seem to see eye to eye. Now it is worse than ever before. All we seem to do is argue. Maybe we would be happier apart.”

Living on top of each other for months is bound to bring to the surface what has always been smoldering underneath. No matter how good a fit we seem to be with our partner at the beginning, no two people are ever perfectly alike in their values, needs, life goals and how they handle crisis situations. It is completely normal for every couple to have similar but also different values and needs. When we are stressed, anxious or overwhelmed, these clashes of values and needs are unavoidable.

Relationship therapists Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman have always empathized that in each partnership, there are perpetual problems. In his research, John Gottman found that 69% of problems couples have are repetitive issues because they are based on fundamental differences in personality, lifestyle, or needs. Daniel B. Wile, the late founder and developer of Collaborative Couple Therapy, phrased it well by stating, “Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems” (Dan Wile). That means, no matter which partner we choose, there will always be some issues which are easier to solve and others that turn out to be perpetual problems.

If we invest our energy into changing our partner, we are exhausting ourselves with a hopeless mission and we have completely missed the point. If we are identified with opposite energies in a partnership and entrenched in our position, opening up to the other person and their experience is exactly what we need.

Let’s take Stephanie and Chris and one of their perpetual disagreements. Now more than ever, she wants to be consistent with the bedtime for the kids, while he is more generous and willing to let them stay up later. This creates weekly tensions and discussions between them. Each of them feels unheard and misunderstood.

Underneath our conflicts is a hidden dream, fear, need, or value. To find out the dream or the fear underneath our conflict, we need to ask our partner the question, “What makes this so important to you?” We might also want to be curious if there is an experience behind this situation for our partner, maybe during childhood or in a past relationship. Being curious about the story goes beyond understanding just their thoughts and feelings. We want to find out what our partner values, believes and holds dear.

An important key to a happy relationship is to learn to listen without judgement, to acknowledge the other person’s experience and feelings, and to share our own feelings and experiences with as much openness. Without active listening and true dialogue, we end up in gridlock conflict.

According to Gottman, gridlocked conflict does not simply happen. Dr. John Gottman names the steps on the way to this gridlock situation as:

  1. The partners have opposing dreams or values.
  2. They get entrenched in their opposing positions.
  3. Their fears of accepting influence from their partner increases.
  4. The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling and Contempt) are progressively more present in their interactions.
  5. The partners emotionally disengage from each other.

 

All couples will face some forms of perpetual conflict. But those recurring issues do not need to become gridlocked. What a couple needs is the willingness to explore the other person’s side of the conflict and what dreams are beneath their position.

Stephanie and Chris have different needs. Stephanie feels strongly about sticking to the bedtime for the kids. What this is not about is her being controlling, inflexible or not enjoying her kids, as Chris assumes. By 7:30 p.m., she feels overwhelmed and has the need for quiet time to recharge and for alone time with Chris to connect with him. What this is about is her being able to step out of the role as a mother and feeling like a woman. It is also about her needing and valuing a deep connection with her husband, independent of their roles as parents. She is able to communicate to Chris that her parents dutifully stayed together until her dad passed but were always distant and quite cold with each other. They had different interests, were judgmental of each other and did not share their feelings. As a young girl, Stephanie promised herself to have a different marriage.

And what about Chris being more laid back about the bedtime? What this is not about is him being irresponsible, just wanting to be the fun dad and avoiding time with Stephanie alone, as she suspects. As Stephanie asks why being flexible is so important for Chris, they uncover that family time is about comfort, nurturing and belonging for Chris. He grew up as an only child without brothers, sisters or cousins his age. He has always longed to have a big loud happy family. His parents never seemed to struggle connecting with each other. They were going out three or four nights a week, to the theatre, a concert or to meet with their circle of friends. As Chris contemplates his parents’ relationship, he realizes that the quality time they spend together, and their common interests, were probably one reason why they had a good connection.

After both feel heard and their needs and values were acknowledged by their spouse, Stephanie and Chris arrive at a compromise:  From Monday to Thursday the kids bedtime is strict, Friday and Saturday their bedtime is more flexible, and on Sunday evenings Chris and Stephanie plan to spend time together as a couple. As we are going into phase two of the pandemic right now, they are able to expand the group of people they get in contact with and they are able to ask Stephanie’s mother to babysit every Sunday. They also have set the intention to tackle their other perpetual problems with the same open curiosity to arrive at compromises that meet both their needs.

With awareness and adaptability, perpetual problems do not need to mean the death sentence for a relationship. We can move from judgment to being understanding and accepting, to a dialogue about what values and needs are not met and how to negotiate compromises.

 

What are your perpetual problems? What opposing views are you and your partner entrenched in? Have you noticed how criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, or even contempt, play a role in your interactions?

If you are willing to explore your partners dreams, beliefs and values and share your own needs and values reach out for

Online Coaching

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

Before booking a session, you will get the opportunity to have a free 20-minute phone consultation. You can ask all your questions and we can determine if we are a good fit as coach and client.

 

 

How does muscle testing work online?

The one question I have been asked repeatedly over the last three months is, “How does this muscle testing you do work online?”

What happens in a session?

If you have come to see me for a session in person, you know that I will use your arm to muscle test. PSYCH-K® and Shadow Energetics both use applied Kinesiology, also referred to as “muscle testing” or “energy testing”, to communicate with your subconscious mind and check what beliefs you are holding. “PSYCH” stands for “Psyche” and the “K” for Kinesiology. When you say a belief statement but your subconscious does not agree with it, you will experience a comparably weaker muscle response than when you say something that your subconscious deems to be true.

This gives us the feedback that a beneficial belief might need to be balanced. With the next muscle test, I will check whether the statement has the perfect wording. If not, we will change the wording until it is perfect for you. Once the phrasing is right, the third muscle test asks permission to make the change. Muscle testing is also utilized to communicate with what the PSYCH-K® founder Rob Williams calls the “superconscious mind,” or in other words, “the higher self”. With PSYCH-K® and Shadow Energetics, we are never making changes without asking permission. Only when we get feedback from the higher self that the change is “in the highest wisdom and benefit”, or in PSYCH-K® words, “safe and appropriate”, will we proceed. Finally, we have different belief changes processes to choose from to reprogram a belief. The best balancing process will again be determined through energy testing.

How is an online session different?

In an in-person session, I will determine all this by using your arm. During this time of self isolation and beyond, you can also connect with me from the comfort of your own home. If you are online with me, I will simply do the energy testing for you. With these modalities, it is possible that I stand in for you. We will test belief statements, ask permission, and follow the higher guidance regarding what we need to address first, just like in a regular session, because I can test for you in surrogation.

Some belief change coaches might completely surrogate for you and also do the balances for you, but I prefer to get you as involved as possible. Zoom allows us to see each other, so that I can direct you to do a certain belief change balance at your end. Afterwards, we will muscle test again to make sure the change is complete.

If you are still puzzled about how this all works online, I recommend that you simply give it a try. Those clients of mine who have reached out, have been very satisfied with their online sessions. Feel free to read some of their reviews.

 

Other Frequently Asked Questions

Some other questions I have been asked over the last months were…

  1. I feel trapped and out of control. What can I do?
  2. I am so anxious. How can I alleviate my anxiety?
  3. I am stressed all the time. How can I manage my stress?
  4. I am so fed-up with this situation and depressed. How do I get myself motivated?
  5. I am single and longing to connect. How can I make safe dating still fun?
  6. Our sex life is affected by the fears and tensions. What can we do?
  7. I am ready to call a divorce lawyer. Or is there still something we can do?

 

In view of these questions, I have decided to change my posts. Instead of offering you longer articles once or twice a month, I will offer shorter blogs more often to answer some frequently posed questions. If you are interested in any of the above-mentioned problems, or have enjoyed my blogs so far, you can subscribe to email notifications. You will receive an e-mail when I post the next article. You can enter your e-mail address when the window pops-up, or in the bar on the left-hand side, where it says “Subscribe”.

Before booking a session, you will get the opportunity to have a free 20-minute phone consultation. You can ask all your questions and we can determine if we are a good fit as coach and client.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

PSYCH-K® And Getting Yourself Online

In recent months, people all over the world have been reshaping how we work and learn. Even those of us who haven’t felt the need before, have been catapulted into using a variety of online portals to connect and meet with colleagues and friends, to buy groceries and other products, to learn virtually or to offer our own services online.

David Anderson

My friend and fellow coach, Dave Anderson, invited me to join his perfectly timed new venture of encouraging speakers, coaches and other service providers to build their online presence. Dave himself is an inspiring speaker, musician and—together with his business partner Blake Fleischacker—a leader of school programs focusing on anti-bullying and on teaching kids to be safe, smart and kind online. Now, he has designed a program, “Get Your A$$ Online!” to help entrepreneurs establish an online business presence and earn money virtually.

He asked me to join the first session of his mastermind group this week as a belief change coach. It was an honour to meet seven entrepreneurs who are now embarking on the next step in their journey. The participants are looking for connection and mutual learning to generate action and share their visions with the world. This mastermind group is about support, accountability and encouragement.

As one part of Dave’s year-long coaching program, he is offering every participant a belief change session with me. During that session we will examine individual limiting subconscious beliefs that are holding that person back from achieving their goals with ease and confidence.

The doubts and underlying beliefs that hold us back tend to be individual, but some negative beliefs that might come up could be:

  • What if I cannot handle the technology? (I am not good with technology. It is hard for me to learn something new. Etc.)
  • What if people don’t want to pay for what I have to offer? (I am not good enough. I am not providing enough value. I won’t be able to move my existing business online. I am not likable enough. Etc.)
  • What if I can’t make the money I need/want? (I am not worthy of financial abundance. I am not good at making money. I can’t make the money I need doing what I love. Etc.)
  • What if I give up? (I get distracted. I have given up in the past. I am a quitter. I am not persistent enough to follow through.)
  • What if I put myself out there and embarrass myself? (It is not safe to be seen / to be different / to try something new.)
  • What if I put all this time and energy in and I fail? (I always fail. It is embarrassing to fail. Etc.)
  • What if I get incredibly successful and busy with this online venture? (Being too successful will affect my relationships negatively. People will be jealous. I won’t have time anymore. Etc.)

 

Have you ever tried to change your beliefs through affirmations alone? How long did that take and how effective was that? We usually need many repetitions to create lasting changes on a conscious level.

And what about willpower? We can achieve a lot through determination and willpower, but our subconscious mind is a million times stronger than our conscious mind. It is like a sumo wrestler in a wrestling match with a child. Unless we get the sumo wrestler on our side, the match is pretty much lost.

As Bruce Lipton explains, our conscious mind is like a 40-bit computer processor, that can process and manage 40 nerve impulses per second, while our subconscious mind is a super-computer with a 40-million-bit processor, that manages 40 million nerve impulses per second.

In other words, while the conscious mind can process 40 bits of information, the subconscious can process 40 million bits. Our conscious mind only controls a small percentage of all our actions, while 95-99% of our actions are due to our subconscious programs, our beliefs based on our past experiences, traumas, ideas and values.

How do we get into our subconscious mind to change those beliefs that we are often not even aware of?

Bruce Lipton

Bruce Lipton summarizes the four ways of rewriting subconscious programming:

  1. Shock

For example, a belief like “Life is safe for me” can suddenly change to the opposite when we experience a traumatic event like an accident or loss.

  1. Repetition

Affirmations are a way of repeating a new belief over and over again until the subconscious agrees.

  1. Hypnosis

In a normal waking state of consciousness, our brain wave activity is in the beta range. Through hypnosis, we can access alpha and theta brain waves and access the subconscious mind with beneficial suggestions.

  1. Energy Psychology / Belief Change Modalities

Belief Change modalities, like PSYCH-K® or the Shadow Energetics® Belief Change Process, are equivalent to super-learning and are undoubtedly the fastest way of changing a belief. You can rewrite a belief program in 5-10 minutes.

Even though PSYCH-K®, originated by Rob Williams in early 1989, has been around for 30 years now, it is still is a bit of an “insider tip” when you want to change your subconscious mind.

Bruce Lipton calls PSYCH-K “an energy-based psychological treatment system” (The Biology of Belief) and recommends it as one way of changing your belief system. In fact, both PSYCH-K® and Shadow Energetics, developed by my friend Darryl Gurney, are energy psychology techniques which allow us to effectively shift our beliefs at a subconscious level.

When I first learned PSYCH-K® in the spring of 2006, my background at that point was in hypnosis to help my clients reach their conscious goals. I hypnotized them, and taught them self-hypnosis, to be able to continue certain suggestions at home, but I wondered if there was a faster and more efficient way of changing our beliefs and seeing the results right away. There is! PSYCH-K® and Shadow Energetics both allow us to change a particular belief in just a few minutes.

“PSYCH” stands for “Psyche” and the “K” for Kinesiology. Applied Kinesiology, also referred to as “muscle testing” or “energy testing”, allows us, whether we use PSYCH-K® or the belief change process from Shadow Energetics, to communicate with our Subconscious Mind and our Higher Self (called the Superconscious Mind by Rob Williams).

We cannot say something that our subconscious believes to be a lie without experiencing a weaker muscle response—compared to when we are expressing something our subconscious deems to be true. That is extremely fortunate for us, because it allows us to determine what our subconscious really agrees with. Once we have detected that a certain beneficial belief is not held at a subconscious level, we can ask permission (through the muscle testing) to make a change and to program or establish this more supportive belief.

To ensure safe physical distancing, I am right now offering all my sessions exclusively online. If you have come to see me in person and you have experienced me muscle testing (energy testing) you to determine your subconscious beliefs, you might wonder how this works online. Thankfully, it is possible for me to energy test for you. You will go through the belief change processes at your end as I demonstrate them via zoom. To read some client reviews for the online work, please click here.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

Check out

Dave Anderson’s 

30 Day Challenge to Get Your A$$ Online

or reach out to him on Facebook.

What Is Your Story?

Do you like stories about relationships? I love them. Lately, we have been watching old seasons of the sitcom “Modern Family”. It felt like we needed some good laughs. Some seasons are of course better than others, but what I really appreciate about this show is that the characters, even though stereotypical, are easy to sympathize with. They are human, every single one of them, and they take turns being the one who learns a lesson, just like in real life. Nobody has it all quite together and this show reminds us that we are lovable with all our flaws, vanities, insecurities and dreams.

Due to the mockumentary-style of the show, we get insights into the character’s thoughts about themselves and their loved ones. Thus “Modern Family” also illustrates well how we all run a story of who we were in the past, who we are in the present and who we can be in the future, and how our family plays a part in shaping that story. The show provides different perspectives of the same situation or same person and demonstrates that we are not stuck with one view of things.

Our personal life story is never just a summary of facts and events. We as the narrator cannot help but interpret what happened. What is essential is how we integrate the facts and events internally into a coherent story which has characters and a plot line that weaves it all together and gives meaning to the events. Our story, as we tell it in our heads and to others, becomes an essential part of our identity.

Years ago, I had a young client whose story I have told many times as a powerful example for how we do not need to let our story limit who we are. She was the youngest of three siblings. When she was little, her family had a car accident. Her dad died and her mom became wheel-chair-bound and experienced chronic pain. Life was safe and comfortable one moment, and suddenly became a huge struggle. My client could easily have told a story of adversity and hardship. She could have focused on the loss and sacrifice. Nonetheless, she was positive and felt that her experience was not a misfortune but had helped her become who she was. All three siblings cherished their family and supported each other. They worked hard, became professionally successful, and adapted a great attitude towards life. All three of them chose to tell empowering life stories rather than disempowering ones.

But it is not just the tough stories that invite us to shift from a victim story to an empowering one. Sometimes it is the story of a so called “easy start in life” that leave us feeling undeserving. I have heard people tell me “I had two loving parents, who provided well financially and allowed me to explore my passions. I got to do sports, arts and music. My parents weren’t rich but supportive. I had an easy start in life. I never had to overcome anything. Who am I to be a role model to others?”

In my experience, everybody experiences some hardship at some point in their life. Some people as children, some as young adults, others in their 40s or 60s. It is important not to let your story hold you back. The same applies to the “I had an easy start in life” story as to a “hardship” story. How you connect the simple facts with a central theme and what meaning you give the events, is completely up to you.

Before we can potentially change our story, we need to discover what story we have been telling in our heads and to others. As a belief change coach, I work with beliefs and stories on a regular basis. We can explore how our stories are serving us, but also how they are holding us back. Our stories always reflect the beliefs we have internalized about ourselves, our relationships, other people and the world in general.

What’s your story? What is the plot and what are the main characters? Do you see yourself as the hero or villain, as the victim or the fighter? If you are willing to dig a bit deeper, you might be surprised which positive and also which limiting patterns you can discover.

In her book “Loving Bravely”, Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, suggests an illuminating exercise of creating a table of contents for your life story. These are the questions she asks to discover the patterns:

  • What is the title of your entire life story?
  • What chapters are there and how will you title those chapters?
  • Then fill in the details: Who are the major characters? Who has stood in your corner, who has presented you with challenges?
  • What are the central conflicts or major themes in your life?
  • What have been your most impactful lessons?
  • What are your favourite chapters and why?
  • In what ways have you been blessed?
  • Select 3-5 patterns or themes that represent your core issues and capture your life so far.
  • Now select 3-5 themes that you would like to have captured in the upcoming chapters of your life. What needs to be shifted?

 

If you want to explore your story or change your limiting subconscious beliefs, please contact

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Right now, due to COVID-19, I have shifted all my sessions to

Online Sessions

Please click on the link and read these testimonials from individuals and couples about their resent zoom sessions with me.

If you are still unsure afterwards, you can start with a

free phone consultation.

Doing the Best That We Can

As we had into another week of social distancing measures, I wonder if any of this sounds familiar to you?

“I am so tired of hearing how this COVID-19 situation is a blessing. I am spiritual but I swear I will kill the next person who tells me that I should be thankful that we are all healthy and that it gives me more time with my husband and kids! I feel constantly anxious and overwhelmed, trying to juggle work and the kids. My work hours and my pay has been cut, but I am supposed to be grateful that I still have a job. I might get fired any day! I can’t sleep at night and during the day I walk around in a mental fog. I have lost it several times with my kids and husband. I am a horrible mother and wife! And the house constantly looks like a bomb exploded. I’ve put on 15 pounds because I don’t get to exercise much, and eating is my only excuse to stop and take a break. All I wanted for Mother’s Day was a break and to forget about this nightmare. My husband did not even manage to get some flowers or make a card with the kids. I know he is tired and overwhelmed, too, but I just wanted one day of being appreciated. I got in my car and just left them. I drove to the lake to just sit there by myself. I feel horrible for not having my shit together!”

This client of mine echoes what so many are experiencing. During the first three weeks of social distancing and isolation in our homes, we might have still coped quite well, but now we’ve started to realize that this is not a sprint, but rather a marathon to get through. We can certainly say that the entire world has been affected and changed forever, and in some ways, it helps that we are all supposedly in the same boat. Whether we still have a job or not is not due to individual failure, but often luck. There are—at least in Canada—emergency rescue benefits by the government that provide some relief. Yet, despite supposedly being it the same boat, we have to be aware of comparisons and giving advice to others, because the effects of the world-wide COVID-19 pandemic are quite different for each individual person.

For some of us, it has locked us in with family members that we never had to spend so much time with before. Having young children is especially challenging right now. We have limited privacy and outside activities, and it naturally brings out the issues and magnifies the triggers in all our relationships. As a relationship coach, I would be the first one to tell you that this is an opportunity to work through issues, but that is not always easy or possible. I have seen positive stories of couples taking this time to work through their issues and teenagers opening up and interacting with their parents, but there are as many people who are stuck with a partner not wanting to do the work or a teenager not ready to connect. Being locked in together also does not allow us to escape the anxiety or depression our partner or family member might be experiencing. That can be quite draining. It leaves us helpless and discouraged.

For others, this situation has brought the experience of too much space because they live alone and are going through intense loneliness and grief for their situation as a single person or widow(er). For others yet, it has brought a tragic loss, for example by not being able to be present when a loved one passed away.

Our experiences range from simple inconveniences to financial loss to relationship challenges to personal tragedies. The situation has allowed some of us to experience a much-needed reprieve from a life that was too busy before, for others it has become a desperate attempt to keep everything normal and to adapt to never expected circumstances.

Accordingly, our feelings range from finding relief or inspiration in this unusual situation to feeling depressed and anxious. Even though we are all in a storm on the sea, we are not really in the same boat. Some of us are in little canoes, others in little motorboats with only so much fuel on board and others, in big solid yachts. We must not make the mistake of comparing our experience with the experience of someone in a different boat.

One of the most common denominators seem to be that these tough times bring out the Inner Critic voice in many of us. This is that nagging voice inside, which is trying to protect us by letting us know in which ways we are “faulty” or not doing enough. No matter how well we are doing, the Inner Critic will find something that apparently needs to be improved. And the Inner Critic loves situations of adversity, for example when we get a bad grade, fail to reach a goal, gain some weight, lose a relationship, when others seem to be doing better, or simply when we are tired, exhausted or feeling vulnerable. And, oh boy, does it love the present situation with all the unpredictability and changes!

In a phone conversation with a good friend and fellow practitioner a couple of weeks ago, he mentioned that he has been noticing that the Inner Critic seems to be coming up in all his sessions right now. That is exactly what I have observed for my client sessions and—as I just fully realized—for myself as well.

Over the last two months, I have been going through a whole variety of emotions myself. I have felt worry and fear for my own situation as well as for my children; I have felt annoyed and angry at family members who seem to be better off due to having a stable job and paid-off mortgage and who—meaning well—kept sending photos of joyfully working in their garden; I have felt exhausted and resigned just getting through another day; and I have, of course, also found amazing gifts and opportunities in this situation and had many days where I felt positive and inspired. But in order to see those gifts and appreciate them, I had to be my own coach and talk myself through releasing stuck emotions and shifting my perspective. Some days I was doing my best to go with the flow while breathing through and meditating on the more vulnerable emotions which the unknown always triggers for us. Other days I did not do so well and would not have gotten out of bed if I didn’t have to, thanks to my side job forcing me to get up at 5:00 a.m. most mornings.

Over the last two months, I have shifted all my coaching sessions to Zoom and I have had lovely sessions with individuals and couples, but many of my clients have lost their jobs and have been postponing sessions. Instead of coaching, I found myself getting busy with German lessons. At the beginning, I was looking to fill my time by accepting many more lessons than I usually do at the online school I work for on the side, but after a few weeks, I also had private students reaching out wanting more classes now that they’re stuck at home. Suddenly, I was totally booked up with teaching German classes and coming up with new grammar exercises for my German website in any free moment.

Now, you would think that my Inner Critic would be happy with this. Yet even though that inner voice was acknowledging that I was productive and earning money, it was also finding fault with all of this. I found myself thinking, “I am not putting enough time and energy towards my coaching business”, “I should write another blog, record another meditation etc. to support my clients better”, “I should reach out more to individual clients to see how they are doing at this time”, “I should network more with my colleagues” and even “I should have time to clean the house and declutter, what is wrong with me that I don’t?”

From some of my friends and clients, I have heard over the last few weeks that they are using this time to organize the cupboards, declutter, paint or renovate the house or work in the garden. And, as we know, the Inner Critic loves comparisons with others, never in our favour of course.

Over a week ago, I was on a break from teaching online classes and enjoying the sun outside. At one point, as I glanced over at our neighbour’s backyard, I couldn’t help commenting on how impressed I was by all the work they were putting into their garden and saying I should do the same. Our neighbour made a simple but wise comment. “We all do what we can at this time”. I realized how the Inner Critic voice has not just been plaguing my clients but also apparently myself, nagging about using this “break” to get things done.

So here is my new mantra for this week, or how about this entire month, whenever the Inner Critic voice pipes up: “I do my best” (on the inhale) “and my best is always good enough” (on the exhale).

 

Online Sessions 

Please click on the link and read these testimonials

from individuals and couples about their recent zoom sessions with me.

If you are still unsure afterwards, you can start with a

free phone consultation.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

The COVID-19 Situation Challenges Our Beliefs, Emotions and Relationships. How PSYCH-K® and Other Tools Can Help.

The COVID-19 situation has disrupted our daily routines, affected our finances and is challenging our relationships. The crisis has changed everything we used to consider “normal”. We are grieving losses, experiencing anxiety, navigating often tumultuous emotions and bumping up against limiting beliefs. As we experience the uncertainty of unemployment and potential illness, we might be reaching for our partner, hoping for comfort and support. Yet, most couples have never learned how to communicate vulnerable emotions and hold each other in fear. To have a stress-reducing conversation, rather than taking on our partner’s fear and stress, has become a more valuable skill than ever before.

This exceptional situation is an opportunity to work on our fears, learn how to release our emotions and improve our relationships, especially our closest partnerships or marriages. Our old ways of being are currently being torn down and it is time to ask, what do we want to believe and feel as we are going through this period? What do we want our life and our relationships to look like? And which habits, beliefs and repeating patterns do we want to change?

We get to make that decision and work towards our relationship dreams and life goals. Instead of waiting for the crisis to be over, we can choose kindness, patience, compassion and successful communication now. At a time when many couples are home together working in close quarters, it is important to create a routine, maintain boundaries, design compromises, learn how to respect each other’s needs, respond lovingly to bids of attention and most importantly, have supportive conversations. Dr. John Gottman has designed the “stress reducing conversation”, in which both partners take turns speaking about a conflict outside of their relationship and listening to their partner. I find that it makes a huge difference when we can centre ourselves and speak and listen from the heart. When one of us is emotionally activated, it is up to our partner to hold that space of compassionately listening. While one partner shares what has happened and how they feel about it, the rules for the listener are as follows:

  1. to suspend any judgment
  2. to validate and empathize with our partner’s experience
  3. to side with our partner (or at least, to not side with the other person in the conflict)
  4. to remember that our partner is whole, complete and resourceful and to refrain from “fixing” their problem for them

Image by Anna_Sunny from Pixabay 

In order to successfully hold these conversations, we need to be aware of our own fears, triggers and limiting beliefs. We need to know how to self-regulate and how to not let our own emotions spill over into the moment when our partner needs us to support them.

Here are some examples for the most common subconscious beliefs that both my clients and myself have had to balance lately by using PSYCH-K® or the belief change process from Shadow Energetics.

 

REGARDING THE (FINANCIAL) SITUATION:

  1. Even though (financial) uncertainty is a part of my life right now, I know and trust that I am safe / taken care of / financially resourceful etc. at all times.
  2. I relax and accept when things are temporarily on hold, being grateful that I now have the time to take care of myself.
  3. It is okay for me to slow down and enjoy my time with my family.
  4. I embrace the current situation as a gift to slow down / to focus on my relationships / to find new financial avenues etc.
  5. I let go and trust that all my needs are abundantly met in this current situation.
  6. I do my best and my best is always good enough.

 

REGARDING HEALTH:

  1. I take good care of myself by giving my body enough sleep, physical movement and healthy nutrition.
  2. I keep my immune system strong through rest and exercise.
  3. I do everything in my power to stay healthy and beyond that, I let go and trust.
  4. I enjoy the slowing down and I relax into a different rhythm.

 

Image by Anrita1705 from Pixabay

REGARDING RELATIONSHIPS:

  1. I easily and effortlessly communicate my needs to my partner.
  2. Both of us working from home is smooth and easy for us.
  3. We naturally switch between being connected and focusing on work.
  4. Each time my partner is distracted, I remember that he/she is simply focused on work.
  5. We make time for each other (and the children) at the end of the day to connect and talk.
  6. It is safe for me to be vulnerable and share my fears with my partner.
  7. I am good at self-soothing when I feel emotionally activated.
  8. It comes naturally to me to be present for my partner.
  9. I listen non-judgmentally and acknowledge my partner’s feelings and fears.
  10. We creatively bring some novelty into our relationship by trying out new activities we can do at home.

 

REGARDING FAMILY:

  1. Having time with my kids and my spouse is a gift for all of us.
  2. We are adaptable and creative as we adjust to the new situation.
  3. I embrace the new situation and enjoy every moment with my partner / my family.
  4. I am patient with myself and all family members as we go through this time of uncertainty.

 

If you have taken part in one of my workshops or perhaps learned how to release emotions in an individual session, remember to use the EMOTIONAL RELEASE PROCESS on a regular basis. Here is a list of especially common emotions that the current situation might have triggered for us. You can of course also work with other lists of emotions, for example the one you would have received during the Shadow Energetics Workshop. If you want to learn what to do with your emotions, change limiting beliefs and clear out fears, please reach out for a free phone consultation.

 

TRIGGERED EMOTIONS:

Feeling…

 

1.    afraid

2.    angry

3.    anxious

4.    bitter

5.    confused

6.    defeated

7.    defenseless

8.    depressed

9.    deprived

10. desperate

11. destitute

12. diminished

13. disadvantaged

14. discouraged

15. distressed

16. fearful

 

 

17. forgotten

18. frustrated

19. grief

20. helpless

21. homesick

22. inadequate

23. insecure

24. isolated

25. lacking

26. like a failure

27. lonely

28. lost

29. out of control

30. overwhelmed

31. panicked

32. pessimistic

 

33. powerless

34. regretful

35. sad

36. shameful

37. shocked

38. sorrow

39. suffocated

40. terrified

41. uncertain

42. unprotected

43. unsafe

44. unsupported

45. victimized

46. vulnerable

47. worried

48. worthless

 

Online Sessions

for Individuals and Couples

If you have lost your job or you are financially struggling because you are self-employed, reach out and talk to me about a discount, especially if you are a previous client. I am here to help you and your family through this time.

If you are a health care worker or first responder, your session is complimentary right now, out of admiration and deep gratitude for what you are going through right now.

 

You can start with a free phone consultation.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

What Is This COVID-19 Induced Activity Frenzy Really About?

Over the last ten days, I’ve noticed how my e-mail inbox is literally flooded with double the number of e-mails than it used to be. Every single company is not just letting us know how they are handling the COVID-19 situation, which is good, but also offering discounts on clothing and products that we really do not need more of right now.

My inbox is also overflowing with e-mail offers for online get-togethers of all sorts: online games, movie nights, network meetings, community meetings, social gatherings and there seems no end to this. How can a social zoom gathering of my pickleball group—who without a doubt is a lovely group that I very much enjoy exercising with on the court twice a week—possibly be a substitution? I play pickleball because it is a fun way to move, so mostly for my health. It seems it would make much more sense to set the time aside for myself to get on my stationary bike, do some Yoga or go for a walk to stay fit and healthy.

Are we so afraid of our own company and the company of our loved ones that we need to flee to online games with strangers and online zoom chats with our sports groups?

While it’s important not to underestimate the immense value that we can find in connecting with people online to maintain a social life and keep from going stir-crazy, especially if we live alone, it’s more important than ever that we take the time for the opposite as well. What would it be like to take more time to slow down, feel the stillness, meditate and reflect on what is going on for us, rather than losing ourselves in meaningless distractions?

In some way, we are, of course, all fighting for a sense of normality. We all still need to make an income and, I am grateful that we can work through Zoom. There are great possibilities and gifts in this experience of having to adapt to the current situation. At the same time, I see among my colleagues a productivity frenzy as they are moving lectures, groups and workshops online as fast as they can. And, I freely admit this, I felt myself being pulled into this for a bit. Above the uncertainty about the future, that we all naturally feel in these times of a worldwide crisis, I also felt the pressure to be that coach who has it all together and just moves everything online right away.

Do we really need to convert our entire overly busy life to a virtual life right now, or have we missed out on an important hidden opportunity, when we do that? What is really behind this reluctance to take some time off? Is it the companies, organizations and sports clubs who fear they will cease to exist if they don’t go with the times and stay in touch with people?

I feel that it is important to give ourselves and our children time to emotionally and mentally adjust to the new circumstances, to ensure we don’t overload ourselves with online activities in an attempt to simulate normalcy. Let’s not forget that the world has for most of us only changed this dramatically in the last four weeks.

Six weeks ago, I was still on vacation with one of my daughters and now she is out of a job, and so is my other daughter. In February, I had clients come in daily, walking through the kitchen and living room area and downstairs to my home office. Now the kitchen and family room areas are in need of tidying up because we have become too comfortable with just letting things be. Or have we? Is this perhaps a time to enjoy that we do not need to go anywhere or have the house presentable for someone coming to us? And how can we cherish taking some time off when we are so busy recreating our lives online?

I am not saying that some of these online events aren’t helpful. The ones which feed your soul will be different from the ones that resonate with me. But more than ever, we need to be aware of not getting caught up in an activity and productivity frenzy. A lot of us have been too busy running around from event to event, as it was. My schedule was always full, and I am sure so was yours. And this applies even more so to families with younger kids. This is an opportunity to slow down and to be in the present moment. It is a chance to feel and to be aware. It is a time to find calm, peace and our inner centre. It is a time to stay fit, laugh and play games—not only online, but especially with the people closest to us who are in quarantine or self-isolation next to us: the family members who we are all seeing far more frequently now than we normally can.

One of my online German students in Switzerland, who I have always connected with once a week via Zoom even before COVID-19, said to me a couple of days ago that she didn’t have the time to do her homework because she chose to meditate every day and focus on staying calm and centred in the midst of everybody’s anxiety. My reply was, “Good for you!” How important is her German progress compared to the importance of understanding the messages we are getting through this crisis?

This period right now is a grief experience. We are experiencing different losses, concrete ones like the loss of a job and less concrete ones like a loss of safety and security. In reality, life was never predictable, but it felt more so before the COVID-19 pandemic. There is no right or wrong way to grieve! Grief means that we need to allow our individual grieving to proceed in its own way and time.

It is okay if you wake up in the middle of the night, not able to go back to sleep. It is okay if you are struggling to establish a daily fitness routine at home or move your classes or business online instantly. Given time and some grief work, not just our brains, but also our hearts will adapt. We will find completion of what we have lost, and peace in the new situation and with the new opportunities.

But what is most of all needed right now is some self-compassion. Ignore those colleagues or friends who are posting on social media about how well they are adapting or who are flooding your e-mail inbox with distractions. Remember that there is Facebook, and then there is real life, in which we don’t have to hide behind happy pictures or success stories. It is okay to take as long as it takes to adjust to the new normal! In fact, we will adjust faster, when we do not get lost in unnecessary distractions.

So which additional online invitations have I said yes to this week and will continue saying yes to? I have said yes to a Facetime with a young friend who had a daughter last year and who I usually visit once a month. It feeds my soul to see how the little one, who just learned to walk six weeks ago, has changed. I have said yes to regularly meeting online with a former student, who has become a brilliant fellow belief change coach himself, to do exchanges. We as coaches also need coaches or colleagues, as much for our own sanity as our clients do.

I will, of course, continue to connect with my dad, my uncle and my aunt, who are all in their eighties. Their love, wisdom and perspectives after having experienced other crises in their lives are nurturing and enlightening. Letting them know that I love and treasure them is one of the most important things I can do right now. I will continue to connect with other family members and close friends, but I will do it in a way that meets my needs. Rather than spending yet more time at the computer, I can speak to them on the phone while I go for a walk or sit in the backyard, which hopefully will soon be possible.

How different have even our walks become! It won’t be long, and we will all be wearing masks to protect others when we go out for walks or grocery trips, and I am all for that. As the world changes, we will need to relearn how to interact with others under these new circumstances. A nod, a smile and a friendly greeting are still possible with social distancing and more necessary than ever. Knowing how we want to be with each other, all begins with learning how to be with ourselves, our own feelings and fears. We cannot do that if we get swept up in a frenzy of online activity.

This is the time to wrap our mind around the fact that this experience will change us and our world forever. It is not going to be completely forgotten after a few weeks, and things won’t immediately, if ever, jump back to the way they were. Let’s rather acknowledge that we will be changed forever. It is the time to decide how we want to be changed for the better, when it comes to our relationships and our everyday life.

 

from April 1 to April 14

online sessions

for individuals and couples

who are financially struggling

20% off

If you have lost your job or you are struggling because you are self-employed, reach out and talk to me, especially if you are a previous client. I am here to help you and your family through this time.

If you are a health care worker or first responder, your session is complimentary right now, out of admiration and deep gratitude for what you are going through right now.

 

 

You can start with a free phone consultation.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Online Sessions During COVID-19 Crisis

The COVID-19 crisis has brought us lots of fear and challenges all over the world. It has brought anxiety, pain and stress. It has shaken us up to rethink our healthcare systems, our ways of doing business, our society, and the impact our way of living has on our environment.

Because this time is shaking us up, it also brings us new opportunities. What comes to mind is the gift of more time that we are being gifted right now. Instead of running from one scheduled event to the next or commuting for hours every day, we have extra time now to connect with our families. We have time to relax and perhaps reflect and consider our habits and our schedule that is usually so full. This is an opportunity to experience a slowing down. It is also an opportunity to reflect about a better future with more sustainability, simpler and healthier food, more kindness, compassion, and caring and overall less stress. We are making changes to our lives right now, some of which might be beneficial to keep once the crisis is over.

The shut-down of large parts of our economy and of tourism all over the world is rough on all the affected industries and people working in these areas. At the same time, we are observing a significant reduction in greenhouse gasses and other pollution of our air, our land and our waters. Images from the Centre for Research on Energy and Clean Air (CREA), as well as satellite footage from NASA and the European Space Agency (ESA), show for example a significant decline in NO₂ emissions over the last two months, particularly over Italy and China. Perhaps this makes us contemplate keeping some of these ways of polluting less also after the crisis is over, to save our environment. COVID-19 brings us together on a global level. We are all affected, and we are all part of the solution. It is an opportunity to reconsider our societies and reorganize our way of doing things globally to have less of a detrimental impact on our planet.

One great opportunity the current restrictions and the practice of social distancing brings is to connect virtually in meetings, classrooms and individual sessions. How can we turn this time of challenges into a time of opportunities by connecting online? What if most of us could save all the time commuting and work from home? What if schools discovered new ways of teaching? What if my favourite therapist or coach is just a click away without me sitting in traffic to get to a session?

Image by Niek Verlaan from Pixabay

 

Like most coaches, I have shifted all my appointments to online sessions. I have always worked with clients who live further away by connecting through Skype or Zoom. In the past I already addressed the question, Can PSYCH-K® be done via Skype, Zoom or on the phone? Now I am also offering online session to you, if you live close by.

I have been teaching via the platform Zoom daily throughout the last few weeks and I am positively surprised how stable it is despite the increased number of people using it for meetings. But what is “Zoom”, you might ask, and how would you and I use it?

 

What is Zoom and How Does It Work?

Zoom is a web-based video conferencing tool that allows you and me to meet online, with or without video, very similar to connecting on Skype. Zoom offers a good quality video, audio and a wireless screen-sharing option, if I have a document to share with you. We can see each other and hear each other well. I can guide you through belief change processes using PSYCH-K® or Shadow Energetics, releasing emotions, an IFS process, a meditation, relaxation or even a hypnosis session. If you are used to me muscle testing you in person, you also know that I can simply stand-in for you and do the energy testing on my end.

 

Is it safe?

You get your own private login username and password for each session, which I will e-mail or text you. Zoom offers end-to-end secure encryption (using Advanced Encryption Standard AES-256) for video sessions. This helps ensure that the video session cannot be eavesdropped on or tampered with. In other words, only the host (myself) and the invited participant (yourself) has access to the video session. As an additional precaution, I have enabled the Zoom “Waiting Room” feature which means an attendee cannot join the video session unless the host (myself) admits them individually from the ‘waiting room’.

I also give you my assurance that no sessions with clients will be recorded. As a further assurance, you can verify this yourself because there would be a clear notification at the top left corner of the Zoom “window” if the Zoom video session was being recorded.

 

How Do I Get on Zoom?

  1. Go to zoom.us
  2. Click the “Join a Meeting” tab. You can find the tab on the top right corner of the homepage.
  3. When prompted, add your designated Meeting ID, which I will e-mail you prior to the session.
  4. We are connected at the agreed upon time!

 

 

Is a Zoom Session as good as an in-person Session?

I will let some of my clients answer this question by sharing their testimonials.

CLIENT REVIEWS:

Dave:

My name is Dave, and I’ve been working with Angelika for almost two years now. My sessions began with her at a very low point in my life. Angelika’s belief change coaching and emotional release counselling has literally transformed my life on both a personal and professional level. My work with Angelika has enabled me to heal from some devastating personal and family losses and, more recently, to successfully navigate a complete career change in mid-life!

On occasion, due to inclement weather, I’ve done remote video sessions with Angelika using my laptop. Admittedly, I was skeptical beforehand as to the benefit of an online session. However, I was amazed how adept Angelika was in adapting her belief change and emotional release exercises to an online setting so effectively.

So when Angelika suggested using Zoom video technology for our future sessions due to the ongoing COVID-19 crisis, I agreed without hesitation. Despite the sacrifices and inconveniences we are all currently undergoing, I feel very grateful for this video technology option that will allow me to continue my invaluable life coaching sessions with Angelika in the comfort of my own home.

– David W

 

Julia:

Work with Angelika has been a game changer in realizing my professional and personal potential for several years now. Having moved to Europe to continue with my MBA degree, I was determined not to lose this important tool in my development.

At first, I wondered if online sessions via zoom would have the same comfortable and enabling energy as the setting at Angelika’s?! But then I though to myself: “We will make it work. After all, technology has enabled so many advancements in our society.”. If patients can move their medical check-ups to telehealth format, then surely Greendoor Relaxation can follow in these footsteps.

My first Zoom session with Angelika was well set-up and seamless. In a matter of 15 minutes, I could not even tell the difference.

I quickly realized that this format also had advantages. First, I did not have to spend extra time commuting. Second, I was able to talk out of the comfort of my couch. Third, Angelika stepped in to muscle test whenever needed. All I had to do was relax and watch her do her “magic”. And that was great! I trusted that she is more experienced and attuned in receiving guidance for our sessions.

My personal call to action for all those who are wondering if Zoom session is the right format for Greendoor Relaxation: Give it a try! We are fortunate to have this choice.

– Julia T.

 

Tobias:

My wife and I have been seeing Angelika for marriage counselling for 9 months now. We usually purchase one of her packages and see her every 2-3 weeks. She has taught us to communicate differently, to be a team and to get through a challenging time with one of our kids. It has been very fortunate for us that Angelika also speaks German, so that my wife and I can speak in our mother tongue with each other during the sessions. Despite COVID-19 we wanted to continue our sessions. We are very satisfied with our first online appointment. Angelika was able to guide us and help us with an issue we were struggling to solve on our own. It was not much different from our usual sessions in her office. While the coronavirus pandemic continues, we will see Angelika via Zoom.

– Tobias M.

 

 

from April 1 to April 14

11/2 – 2 hour online sessions

for individuals and couples

20% off

If you have lost your job or you are financially struggling because you are self-employed, reach out and talk to me, especially if you are a previous client.

I am here to help you and your family through this time.

If you are in existing client, I am offering the option of shorter booster sessions in lieu of your regular two hour session during the months of April and May.

For health care workers or first responders, a session is complimentary right now.

 

Reach out for a free phone consultation.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Increase in Divorce Rates Due to COVID-19. How Can We Pull Together?

A client of mine, challenged with her marriage right now, said to me a couple of days ago, that when the Coronavirus threat is over, there will be an increase of divorces. Her comment was based on an article from “the New Yorker”. The newspaper reports, “In Xi’an, the capital of Shaanxi Province, more than ten million people were placed under lockdown. When restrictions were eased, earlier this month, the city’s divorce rate spiked.” Psychologist and attorneys speak up and predict that the divorce rate will also rise in the rest of the world due to this stressful situation COVID-19 has brought us.

Image by Sally-Kay from Pixabay

As a relationship coach, I want to challenge that statement. Undoubtedly, like any crisis, this challenging time also brings issues to the surface that we can easier ignore at other times. But instead of resigning ourselves to the fate of getting a divorce, we have the choice to examine how we can use this time period to improve our relationships and especially our partnerships or marriages. Naturally, we are going through a period of adjustment as our work situation changes and most of our favourite free-time activities are cancelled. We need to be creative to meet our needs while staying at home. The issues in a relationship might resurface right now and force us to notice and address them. But we also now have more time together to do our couples work, due to the lack of outside distractions and activities.

The strength of our relationships depends on if we can successfully hold each other in the fear we feel. There are fewer outside influences to argue about right now, but a new kind of anxiety has come up. One upset client of mine shared that while she is home with the children, her husband still goes out to have a cup of coffee with clients. She is afraid to question this and “restrict” him, meanwhile she lives in unnecessary anxiety. Their situation requires agreements on what precautions to take and how contacts can be shifted temporarily to virtual contacts.

Another couple told me that they are arguing about how to disinfect the surfaces, wash the food, and how often and thoroughly to wash their hands. Our fear brings up our vulnerable parts and our protective parts. Our fearful parts are triggered more than ever right now and our protectors (protective parts) can look like a “Scolding Parent” or an “Attacker”, accusing our spouse of not caring enough to take more precautions. If you want to read more about our protective parts in our relationships, please got to my article “You Are My Valued Tor-Mentor”.

Operating from our protective parts engages us in conflicts with each other. How can we instead have empathy and compassion with our partner’s fears and show the willingness to negotiate acceptable compromises to reassure each other?

Being home together also requires boundaries and the balance between alone time and time together. It is now, more than ever, important to communicate well. One of the things that seems to work well for my family, is to create a routine and structure, even if it is an artificial one. Have a set time to get up and to go to bed, a time to eat, a time to work if you have work right now, a time to do yoga, or go for a walk and so on.

Image by Mabel Amber from Pixabay 

As human beings, we need to feel productive and useful. Some of my clients have told me that they are doing some de-cluttering and extra cleaning right now. Or they are engaged in creative activities that they have not had time for in a long while.

Part of establishing a daily routine is to determine how much time we are going to spend listening to the news or reading information on social networks. It is possible that you and your spouse, or family members you live with, are affected differently by the news and announcements. It requires figuring out what your individual needs are and respecting the differences. If you can go to different rooms or use headphones if you need to separate, do so regularly.

If you have small children, the routine and giving each other breaks from entertaining the children is even more important. Clear communication on when and how each of you is going to work and when you are spending time separately with the kids or as a family is imperative. Children need a structure even more than we do as adults. Decide what your daily routine is going to be and stick to it, so your kids have some predictability.

And don’t forget to enjoy this forced upon slowing down that is happening right now. Cherish each moment with each other. There is a lot of cooking, baking and playing games going on in our house. I don’t think I have played as much Cribbage in years as I have played during the last two weeks! My niece and her partner in Germany sent me photos of doing puzzles together while waiting for their test results. I’ve been hearing a lot of “finally we have time together” comments from extended family members and clients.

Puzzles, Cribbage, being together without rush… Without wanting to downplay COVID-19 being a real threat, it almost sounds a bit like a trip to the cottage in the summer, doesn’t it? I can’t help but wonder what we can learn and gain from this experience. When you contemplate the short-term and long-term benefits and advantages of what is unfolding right now, a lot of promising developments stand out.

Whole neighbourhoods are pulling together, offering each other help with the supplies individual families have—yes, the much laughed about toilet paper, for one. We are reaching out and phoning or texting family and friends we might not have talked to in a long time. It brings out kindness, compassion and taking care of each other. Despite or because of the fear we all feel, we continue to come together like never before.

What is happening right now is a general refocus on what is important: partnerships, family and relationships with others. The situation we find ourselves in due to COVID-19 is unprecedented, not only on an economic and societal level, but also for our family relationships. Self-isolation and extended time together are sometimes welcome and harmonious, other times they bring great challenges. But that is a good thing! When problems come to our attention, we can do something about them. The couple can work on it alone, or they can reach out to a coach or therapist.

Image by Gracini Studios from Pixabay 

Most of us coaches and counsellors are working remotely right now. A session through Zoom or Skype is as beneficial as a session in person. If the technology aspect makes you nervous, I understand, and I promise, that I will walk you through the steps to connect virtually.

As many of you are faced with uncertainty right now, I am offering an online session discount:

from April 1 to April 14

online sessions

for individuals and couples

20% off

For a start reach out for a free phone consultation.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Immune System Support

Two days ago, I posted the article Self-Care Tips to Ease the COVID-19 Anxiety and shared a Meditation recording to help ease the anxiety while we are moving through the events of the COVID-19. I mentioned boosting our immune system through life enhancing emotions rather than getting caught up in anxiety.

Today, I want to share the article of my colleague Naturopathic Dr. Felicia Assenza from the Awakening Health Clinic in Burlington in regard to supporting our immune system. Felicia herself is in the in the high-risk group due to a pre-existing health condition, and I very much appreciate her levelheaded approach to the situation that we are currently faced with.

We are both here to support you through these challenging times.

You can reach Dr. Assenza through her website https://www.drfeliciaassenzand.com/ and book a virtual or phone appointment with her.

You can reach me to book a Zoom/Skype/phone appointment at 905-286-9466 or greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca.

 

 

Empowered Immune System Support

The news of the latest Coronavirus or COVID-19 seems to be spreading even faster than the virus itself, understandably bringing lots of fear and panic along with it. In times like these, it can be very easy to feel disempowered and helpless against this virus which seems to be popping up in every corner. My goal with this post is to help bring some calm to the situation, clear up some misinformation, and to provide you with some empowering tools to help support your immune system.

What is COVID-19?

You’ve likely heard lots of information and misinformation about the virus so far from various sources. Here’s a reliable source and helpful information sheet from the Ontario Ministry of Health that will hopefully clear up any misinformation.

How can I prevent COVID-19?

There are the standard ways of preventing the spread of infection that you may have seen in the news:

  • Wash your hands thoroughly and regularly
  • Stay home when you are sick
  • Avoid touching face and mucous membranes (nose, mouth, eyes, ears)

The above are definitely important ways of preventing the spread of infection. There are also some other things you can do that might not be as widely known. Below is a list of some simple things you can do right now to support your immune system so that if you do come in contact with the virus, your immune system will be armed and ready!

Vegetable Soups and Bone Broth

These are great ways to get lots of nutrients in that will help support your immune system and keep your vitality up. The more veggies you can get in the better. You can also add lots of garlic, onions, and oregano to these soups. As we’ll talk about later, these have some helpful anti-viral properties.

How to incorporate:

Check out my bone broth recipe. You can also use pre-made soup stock if you’re short on time or vegetable stock if you’re vegetarian. Always be mindful of ingredients though! Once you have the broth, just add veggies. Check out one of the many soup recipes on Yummly if you need some inspiration and guidance.

Mindful Time in Nature

Nature and mindfulness both play an important role in immune heath. We know that the stress hormone cortisol suppresses our immune system and there are innumerable studies showing that mindfulness and time in nature both reduce stress.

Getting out in nature also gives you a chance to get some fresh air, a change in scenery, and a shift in perspective which can be quite powerful when it is so easy to get caught up in the anxiety surrounding current events.

How to implement:

Go outside. It’s that simple. Maybe to the park down the street. Maybe your backyard. Maybe as much as your balcony or front porch. Just take a minute to be in the present moment and really connect with something bigger than yourself. This would also be a good time for any prayer or meditation practices you may have.

Socializing

This one is important and can easily be forgotten with all the self-isolation that is happening. Socialization, sense of community, and feeling connected is important for our immune system and overall health in general.

How to implement:

There are so many ways to implement this one. Call a friend, spend time with your pets, reach out to the neighbour you haven’t heard from in a while.

This one is incredibly powerful because by reaching out to someone, not only are you supporting your immune system but you’re giving them a little boost too…two for one!

Vitamin D

Also known as the sunshine vitamin and probably needed by most Canadians at this time of year. It not only helps boost mood and support the immune system but has actually been investigated for its role in preventing upper respiratory infections (1).

How to implement:

Talk to your Naturopathic Doctor about the appropriate dose for you.

What happens if I do get sick?

It happens, no need to panic. You’ve likely overcome a viral infection or two in the past, there’s a good chance you can do it again. Take this as an opportunity to relax, recharge, catch up on Netflix, catch up with friends, family, pets etc.

If you, like me, are one of the lucky ones in the high risk group (e.g. elderly or have pre-existing health concerns), know that we’ve also overcome viruses in the past and there is lots we can do to help support the immune and respiratory systems if we do get sick. We may just need to act a little quicker and be a little extra diligent in taking care of ourselves.

Below are a couple of my favourite ways to tackle an upper respiratory tract infection (like the cold or flu) as soon as it starts.

Onions and Garlic

Onions and garlic contain anti-viral organosulfur compounds such as quercitin and allicin that can help fight off a virus and are not only generally safe for consumption but also have lots of nutrients and other health benefits as well. They have both been shown to help shorten the duration of colds and flus caused by other viruses in the past (2).

How to implement:

Add them to dishes, make sure your chopping them up fresh

Garlic infused olive oil

Adding raw garlic and onions to salads

Oregano

Oregano contains carvacarol which has been investigated for its antiviral properties (2). I’ve seen it work well in helping to shorten the duration of a cold or flu and to help clear coughs.

How to implement:

While adding oregano to meals is a great idea, this one is most potent in its essential oil form

I generally recommend taking oil of oregano at first signs of cold or flu

Respiratory Herbs

There are many herbs that have been traditionally used to clear colds, flus, and especially coughs. St. Francis Herb Farm makes a wonderful blend called Respirafect that I have found to be very effective when taken right at the first signs of illness, especially for those who are at higher risk of pneumonia or bronchitis.

How to implement:

Take at first signs of cold or flu. Talk to your Naturopathic Doctor about dosing and safety.

I hope that brings some calm and clarity to the current situation and I’m always here to answer questions or address concerns.

We always take precautions at the clinic to prevent the spread of infection but if you have concerns and would prefer to have your appointment virtually or over the phone please let me know. Please also let me know if you are experiencing signs of the cold or flu before coming in for an appointment.

Warmest wishes,

Felicia

References

  1. Ginde AA, Mansbach JM, Camargo CAJ. Association between serum 25-hydroxyvitamin D level and upper respiratory tract infection in the Third National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey. Arch Intern Med. 2009 Feb;169(4):384–90.

  2. Naithani R, Huma LC, Holland LE, Shukla D, McCormick DL, Mehta RG, et al. Antiviral activity of phytochemicals: a comprehensive review. Mini Rev Med Chem. 2008 Oct;8(11):1106–33.

A Meditation and Other Self-Care Tips to Ease the COVID-19 Anxiety

In each given moment in time, we have choices to make. Then we have concrete actions steps to take. The last and very significant step—after we have done everything that is in our control—is to surrender and keep centred within ourselves.

Times of crisis like this can bring the worst out in people, but it can also bring out the very best in all of us. It is an opportunity to ask, “what I can I contribute, and how?” It can bring out compassion, kindness and emotionally taking care of each other. It forces us to slow down and reminds us to focus not just on our family, but on all the people who are dear to our hearts. It is a powerful connector.

It is also a reminder that all of us are an important part of a bigger community; not just of our neighbourhood, but our country and our entire world. Our well-being is interconnected. This is a time to come together, to realize that we are all like the fingers of one hand, that we are integral parts of something bigger. It is easy to hold a unity consciousness when we are strong and healthy. Now it is more urgent than ever to remember that we are all part of a bigger unit. We are all in this together and we are the strongest when we remember that each of us is making a substantial difference.

The reasonable and community supporting choice right now is to practice social distancing and self-isolate if possible. To separate yourself physically, there are action steps to take, for example to ensure you have the necessary food supplies and medications in the house so you can keep yourself healthy for the next three weeks.

Other action steps are to remember to make use of the lifestyle strategies we all have learned about. At the top of the list is getting 7-8 hours of good sleep.  To keep our immune system healthy and strong, we also need healthy food and plenty of fluids. Stay rested and hydrated.

Stress and anxiety have a negative impact on our immune system. The spread of COVID-19 is, of course, a serious situation that needs to be addressed, but our fear is an even greater enemy. Fear and panic decrease the healthy functioning of our immune system. A chronic state of stress increases the cortisol and adrenaline levels and the inflammatory markers in our blood. Instead we want to enhance our immunity and cut down on the inflammation. There are certain supplements that are anti-inflammatory, for example turmeric, ginger, and aloe vera.

Just as important, or perhaps even more so, is to focus on life enhancing emotions. Joy, gratitude, peace, forgiveness, empathy, compassion and love are all renewing emotions. That means listening to each other, caring for each other, giving others (and yourself!) attention, affection and appreciation. These emotions connect us and positively affect our heart rate, lower our cortisol level and increase the hormone DHEA, which results in less inflammation in our body.

Breathing techniques, yoga, meditation and self-hypnosis are all ways to focus on peace, calm, joy and gratitude. They are well proven ways to bring our body into homeostasis to ensure self-regulation and healing. While fear is the enemy of immunity, meditation and mindfulness can be our best friends.

As Deepak Chopra mentioned in a Facebook video post just two days ago, it is “better to have a quiet mind than a positive mind”. Positive thinking can be hard to achieve when we are not feeling safe. In fact, it tends to only cover up the fear underneath. It is better to release all life depleting emotions like fear, anxiety, despair, grief, depression, sadness and loneliness and to move into the peaceful place inside. A peaceful calm mind helps us to relax into the moment with consciousness. It enables us to ask, how am I going to show up in this time of crisis?

In the free meditation recording below, I am guiding you through releasing fear and to quiet the mind, so that you can stay strong and healthy as we all navigate through this time together.

I have worked with long distance clients remotely for years. For the time being, I have shifted all my sessions to Skype and the platform Zoom to continue supporting you in this time of emotional upheaval and uncertainty. Even if you usually prefer in person sessions, do not hesitate to contact me for an online session. You will be surprised how well we can connect and work together.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

Unfortunately, due to issues with the embedded player on my website all my meditations are only available right now by going to my podcast channel

Discover the Hidden Potential of Your Mind