Sleep in Heavenly Peace – A Christmas Story About Ends and New Beginnings

This is the time of the year which is happy for some of us and equally challenging and deeply sad for others. Some look forward to spending time with their families, others dread having to do that. Some wish they were alone, others dread the holidays because they are. Some might not be alone physically but feel so alone in their heart, as they have lost a loved one. Some might rush into a new relationship prematurely just to not feel alone at this time, to which we give so much significance. The holidays and the end of one year and the beginning of a new one seem to be overladen with meaning. Do we ever stop to think about how arbitrary it is?

I have experienced my share of beginnings and endings at this time of the year as well. My first marriage began with a December wedding and another significant relationship ended during a December. I have had an equal measure of joys and griefs at this time. For others, the wounds of Christmases past run so much deeper.

I am honoured to be able to share such a true Christmas story with you, written masterfully as always, by my amazing friend Susan Crossman, who I admire thoroughly for her talent, her vulnerability, her courage and her zest for life. Her holiday message, deeply touching, also says to me, if she can smile and see the potential of each new year clearly, perhaps so can others…

The presents were wrapped, the children were finally in bed and the stuffing was sitting in a bowl in the fridge, ready to be loaded into the turkey the next day. Outside, in the park across the street, the sheet of snow that blanketed the ground was sparkling in the glow of the streetlights. A fire burned steadily in the hearth. Our field-stone fireplace was 6-metres wide, and one of the many reasons we had fallen for this gorgeous house in Beaconsfield, Que. We had been so full of joy when we had moved in. We had been full of hope.

After more than 13 years together, my husband and I had also been full of love for each other and the wonderful family we had cobbled together out of the ashes of our previous marriages. Two new babies had been born, and they were young, and sweet and hoping Santa would drop by in the night. They had fallen asleep straining to hear the sounds of reindeer hooves on the roof. Wait – weren’t those sleigh bells they had just heard?! We had answered that question countless times before our kids had finally drifted off into Dreamland.

A decade ago, coloured lights danced around the living room that Christmas Eve and the tree stood in a corner, resplendent in its thick coat of coloured balls and lights, shimmery strands of tinsel and home-made decorations, lovingly crafted.

But I wasn’t feeling at all merry. In mid-December, my husband and I had been informed that he had fourth-stage stomach cancer and he was going to die…

TO CONTINUE READING please click on the The Globe and Mail Article

“For me, Christmas is both an ending and a beginning” 

Wishing you and your families a

HAPPY & SAFE HOLIDAY!

 

 

 

Can I Come in with My New Girlfriend?

Listen to the blog article as an extended version on my podcast, or read it below!

A long-term client of mine, a smart and warm man, who I have coached through different personal and professional challenges and previous relationship struggles, just came in with his new girlfriend of one month. I was thrilled—and so was his girlfriend. There is a man who is aware of the importance of working on himself and on a relationship from the very start. Both, he and his partner, have had—like all of us above a certain age—previous experiences of how we can get hurt in relationships. They both recognize the importance of getting to know each other well and of navigating potential pitfalls with awareness.

Most of my clients come in when there is a crisis and when they have already been struggling for a while. What if we didn’t wait until the path we are travelling on has so many potholes that our relationship car is in acute danger of breaking down on this road, but if we committed from the start to doing regular maintenance?

Different religious affiliations offer premarital counselling or marriage classes prior to making the commitment. Some of those sessions might be more helpful than others but the intention is to get to know each other better. Counselling offered by a church might not be a consideration for all couples, depending on one’s spirituality or lack there of.

Premarital coaching, or simply relationship coaching from the start of a relationship, is an alternative, independent of your religious affiliation. It helps both partners to learn to communicate about challenging topics and to learn to hold each other in those vulnerable moments we all experience. Coaching allows us to become aware of patterns and to release them. Relationship sessions enhance any relationship and help us to be able to be our best self in our long-term relationship or marriage.

You might wonder what there can possibly be at the beginning of the relationship, when we are in the honeymoon stage and everything looks rosy and hopeful. There actually are a lot of topics to explore.

What kind of questions might we ask in a relationship coaching session at the start of a relationship?

  1. Let’s talk about values. What are my top values in life, what are my partner’s?
  2. Let’s become aware of our subconscious. What beliefs and fears have I learned based on my family history and my past relationship history?
  3. Let’s talk about expressing affection. What is my primary love language, what my partner’s?

  1. How do I tend to handle conflict, and how about my partner?
  2. Do I know what my emotional triggers are and can I share them with my partner?
  3. Let’s talk about mutual support. What emotional support do we both hope to get from each other? What practical or financial support?
  4. What does it mean to each of us to commit to a relationship?
  5. What did our own parents model for us concerning love and a long-term relationship or marriage?
  6. What attracted me to my partner and who do I believe my partner will help me to be?
  7. Let’s talk about goals. What personal and professional goals do we both hope to achieve and how do we see the partner’s role in that?
  8. How are we planning to create a life-work balance?
  9. What is a comfortable balance for spending time with my partner and with other people?
  10. Let’s talk about needs. What are my top ten needs, what are my partner’s? How comfortable am I expressing my needs?
  11. Who will take on what responsibilities at home?
  12. Let’s talk about money. How do we feel about differences in financial income, joint accounts, debt, keeping a budget, having spending money, paying bills, completing income tax, financially supporting parents or previous children, and so on.
  13. Let’s talk about our families and the in-laws. What boundaries with regard to family interactions do we both need? How do we show up as a team with third parties?
  14. Let’s talk about future or current common children and/or step-children and about parenting. Where do we have overlapping ideas where do we differ? How are we going to handle differences?
  15. Let’s talk about intimacy and sex. Do we need to learn to talk about this sensitive topic? What are our hopes and expectations?
  16. Let’s talk about spirituality. What are our beliefs and practices? Where are there differences and can we be tolerant of each other’s differences?
  17. Let’s talk about monogamy and affairs. How do we both feel about one of us slipping up? Can we both commit to talking to our partner when we experience an attraction to somebody else, in order to strengthen the bond between us and to avoid sliding across the line with an outsider? Can we also commit to not talking to a person who is not a “friend of the marriage”, about our relationship problems because this builds a bond outside of our relationship? (For more information and to learn more about what this means, check out my blog series “Affairs”.)

 

Contact me for individual coaching sessions,

couples’ sessions or workshops.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 I know your time is valuable and I appreciate you reading my blog or listening to my podcast. If you are enjoying my articles, you can subscribe to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to enter your email address in the field in the left sidebar. Thank you for your support!

 

Courageous Love

TALK DESCRIPTION:

Every message we get growing up has conditioned us to believe that finding “the One” will be the answer to our inner pain, our loneliness, sadness, fears or insecurities. The truth is that our partner can no more relieve our sense of unloveability and unworthiness than food, alcohol, drugs or other addictive activities we engage in to distract ourselves from our emotional pain, can.

The missing piece we have not been taught is how to parent ourselves in a way that allows us to take care of our own inner vulnerability and to show up as our best self with our partner.

When both partners do the inner work, couples replace their distant, controlling, or needy way of relating to each other with what Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, calls “courageous love”.

How do we love courageously? How do we become accepting of everything we are and all our partner is?

Click the link below to listen to my 15 minute long Costa Rica talk

“Courageous Love”.

This talk is available on the PDA or on YouTube

 

WHAT IS THE PDA?

The PDA is the largest personal development content app among i-phone and android apps. A growing number of experts and transformational leaders are currently joining this app platform. You can watch their videos, read their articles, receive free offers and engage with them in many different ways.
I am honoured to be one of the coaches offering you lots of interesting content in video, audio and written form beyond this website. And the best thing is this app is 100% FREE!

 

Contact me for individual coaching sessions,

couples’ sessions or workshops.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

I know your time is valuable and I appreciate you reading my blog. If you are enjoying my articles, you can subscribe to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to enter your email address in the field in the left sidebar. Thank you for your support!

 

Advice from a Sloth (Costa Rica 4)

Five weeks ago today, I returned from Costa Rica. This amazing business trip was an experience which needed to be digested and the learning and wisdom needed to be integrated into my life in many different ways.

Coming back to the cold climate and a much more hectic lifestyle was one adjustment. Over the last five weeks, I often thought of the sloth which we met along the side of the road and who took a long long loooong time to make its way down to the ground from the top of a tree.

The encounter with this charming mammal made me want to hold my breath in awe. It truly felt like two different worlds colliding. This mesmerizing animal seemed to move in slow motion. We as humans, on the other hand, rush around so much that we often forget how to take it slow.

I have been contemplating what advice a sloth would give us—if it ever cared enough to impart its wisdom.

1.You’ll get there when you get there

December is the time of the year when we seem to review the old year and assess our satisfaction level with how far we have come. It can be useful to focus on our “wins” and accomplishments. It motivates us to strive for the next goal. At the same time, we often forget how arbitrary certain goals or time limits that we have imposed on ourselves are. If looking back and evaluating your successes is making you feel that you have missed a mark or that you are not where you wanted to be “at this age” or at this point in your life, remember that you’ll get there when you get there. Life is not a race after all, even though it might appear that way at times.

2. Relax and Enjoy the View

We are often in such a rush to get somewhere, to grow up, to finish school, to get the dream job or to build a business, to get through traffic to work every day, to fall in love, to get married, to buy a house, to have children, to get the children through different hurdles like school or university, to get them settled and so on.

One day, we might realize that we have focused way too much on completing each goal instead of on enjoying the journey itself. What if we adopted more of the “Relax and Enjoy the View” philosophy? What if we developed a sloth’s eye perspective from high above in the crown of a tree and remembered that there are different vantage points, and that life is about finding joy in each moment?

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3. Get a good grip and hang on tight

When the tropical rainstorms of life come down, the sloth would probably tell us to just hang on and wait for the sun to come out again. There is great value in strength, trust and resilience.

Life changes inevitably happen. Someone we love dies, we lose a job, we can’t have children when we try, we move one too many times, we finally have children, our spouse breaks our trust, we get a divorce, our teenager gets mixed up with the wrong crowd, our elderly parents need us, someone else dies… Any of this or more might happen. All we can do as life throws us a curve ball is to trust that we have the strength to hang on, and when the storm is over, we will utilize all possible resources to pick up the pieces. Some branches will have broken off in the storm and we need to find new ways of getting from one tree to the next.

4. Get Enough Sleep

Sleep is highly underrated in our culture. If we don’t get a reasonable number of hours of deep and restful sleep, usually 7-8, depending on the individual, we are affected in several ways. We might put on extra weight, tend to feel more depressed and have an increased risk for inflammation in our body, diabetes, heart disease or a stroke. We need adequate sleep for a balanced hormone level, for maximum brain function, to problem solve and to have positive social and emotional interactions with others. Sleep helps to heal inflammation, balances our hormones and metabolism and lifts our mood.

5. Remember to Hang Out with Your Kind

Considering how precious time is and how fast it passes, can we make time to just hang out with our friends and family, especially our children or grandchildren, and be truly present with them? The past is over and the future hasn’t been written yet. What would it be like if we brought the energy back in that is flowing into ruminating about the past or worrying about the future, and just allowed ourselves to be here right now, in this moment in time?

 

Does that sound tempting? If you are in need of a bit of a sloth experience, here is a short meditation to help you to pause, to slow down and to just be present.

 

If you enjoyed this meditation you might want to check out other short meditations here.

Contact me for individual coaching sessions, couples’ sessions or workshops.

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

I know your time is valuable and I appreciate you reading my blog. If you are enjoying my articles, you can subscribe to receive an e-mail notification whenever I post a new blog. All you need to do is to enter your email address in the field in the left sidebar. Thank you for your support!