“Imagine this. One day, our children will learn about love at school. They will take classes in love and self-esteem, explore the meaning of “I love you,” learn to listen to their hearts, and be encouraged to follow their joy. It will be normal for parents to help their children learn how to love and be loved.” (Robert Holden, Loveability)
For a couple of weeks, I have contemplated which subject to choose for my 100th blog. I wanted it to be a topic which is close to my heart and which is meaningful to lots of people. My choice fell on “Love”.
Is there anything more ever-present than love? By that I certainly don’t just mean romantic love, which is only one expression of love. I mean the heart energy in which we are ideally centred and which we are able to send out to others. I mean the vibration which we need in order to feel safe, grow and flourish.
Evolutionary psychology tells us that love is an essential growth element for cells. Love influences our DNA, helps to build our brain and develop our nervous system.
“… the urge to love and be loved is our primary desire. Love is as important to us as air, water, and food… The more you love and also let yourself be loved, the more alive you feel… Love feeds all our basic desires, including our desire to be connected, to be known, to be safe, to be happy, to be successful, and to be free.” (Robert Holden, Loveability, p. 20/21)
Babies are born embodying the basic truth that we are all lovable. When they grow up and take on the conditioning of our society, we teach them limiting stories about love and about themselves. Stories of how elusive love is, or how difficult to find or keep, or how unworthy of unconditional love they are. As we grow up we literally forget that we are perfect and completely lovable the way we are! We unlearn that we are lovable without conditions, without comparisons, without judgments, without attachments, without needing to “do” anything to be loved. We desperately strive to be “good enough” and hope somebody will love us if we just try hard enough to be “right” and look long enough to find “the One” who can accept us the way we are.
I so often have clients, female and male alike, who are on a quest to find love, to find the perfect romantic partner. However, when we are looking for love, the looking is exactly what is blocking us from finding it. We have to become what we are looking for. “… like attracts like, and if you know that you are love, you’ll feel comfortable about attracting love into your life.” (Robert Holden, Loveability, p. 3)
What does that mean? It means to be a more loving person, to start loving everyone more, to literally step into the energy of love and be love. When you embody love you can’t help but attract more love into your life.
Robert Holden has created a new word by speaking of “Loveability,” a word which might one day be found in a dictionary. He is talking about the ability to love and be loved.
Love is an inner journey. “The goal of this journey is not to find love; it is to know love.” (Robert Holden, Loveability, p. 5) When we feel truly lovable, we are able to love others unconditionally and be loved in the same way. Our capacity to love others influences how much we can love but also how much we let ourselves be loved by others. It determines if we trust love and let love in with an open heart.
I invite you to explore the meaning of those three little words “I love you”. When you say this to your partner, your children, your parents, your siblings or friends, notice what you mean in each moment.
When doing this little exercise I came up with many different meanings. Sometimes I say “I love you” and I mean “I am so grateful to have you in my life” or “I trust you” or “I accept you without judgements” or “I am attracted to you” or “I support you and am here for you” or “I see you with all your strengths and weaknesses” or “I am so proud of you” or “My heart flows over” or “I feel safe with you” or… the list is almost endless. We express so much in our love relationships. We express how much we love ourselves and how unconditionally we are able to love others.
Here is an opportunity to explore your own loveability by understanding mirrors and embracing your shadow sides: