Protecting Our Inner Child

Have you ever allowed yourself to be open and vulnerable with somebody only to find that your feelings were met with judgment, ridicule, or another response that made you feel unloved? I have.

It has been a week during which several clients and friends needed to hear from me. “How does your little girl / little boy feel right now? Check in with that child part in you. Bring up that parent part inside and protect her/him.”

Having had the experience myself in the past of not taking good care of my vulnerable inner child and her needs, I can see it clearly in others.

There is the young woman who continues to socialize with friends who are judgmental, self-centred and even cruel because she does not believe she can have friends who are truly loving and caring. There is the man who still reaches out to his ex-partner hoping she will be loving and supportive, just to find over and over again that she has no respect for him and has put him down again.

Why do we act like this? Why do we have such low self-respect at times?

We seem to do so with family members, friends, romantic partners, or people who belong to a group we are part of. We assume that just because of the “role” they play in our lives, they are unconditionally loving and accepting of us.

What has happened when we make that decision?

Instead of love, we are met with other people’s opinions or fears. This experience is all about us loving ourselves and listening to our intuition, to that voice inside that knows exactly who to trust with our vulnerability, and who to hold back with. It is all about believing and knowing deep-down that we deserve unconditional love, appreciation and respect.

Whenever I created the experience for myself of “not feeling safe,” I ignored that inner voice. When I think back, part of me knew exactly that a particular person would respond from his/her own fears and world views rather than being able to be unconditionally loving and accepting.

Ignoring my own wisdom usually had to do with longing for a close relationship with somebody due to this idea of a family or relationship tie, or wanting to belong to a group. The “longing” or “need” overrode the gut feeling. The left brain found reasons why it would be silly not to open up, while the heart had the right answer all along.

Being aware of what to entrust to others and what not to, has nothing to do with not being authentic. I can still be authentic when I choose carefully what to share. In fact, it will help to be more authentic. When we entrust something to someone against our better judgment, we are trying to be somebody we are not. We are trying to please the other person or force a relationship that is just not unfolding naturally.

You can listen to your intuition, and as you do so, your intuition grows stronger and stronger each day. I usually approach the world with an open heart, with love and trust, knowing that I am safe due to inner guidance, the parent part inside me. We need to protect the vulnerable child inside when it is necessary. But at the same time, I allow myself to be vulnerable when it is safe and appropriate, always striving to distinguish one from the other, no matter what “role” a person has in my life. I encourage you to do the same. You can experience that you are always safe because you listen and you trust.

 

For Inner Child Work, PSYCH-K® or Relationship Coaching contact

Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

 

The Five Love Languages

In my blog on June 28, 2013, I elaborated on how powerful words are and how they can have a strong vibration of manifestation in a negative sense. Today, almost a year later, I would like to focus on how the same concept works in the opposite way. Words of Love and Affirmation have a strong powerful vibration that deepens our love.

Personally, I feel seen, heard, appreciated and most safe with a partner who is able and willing to express his love and appreciation through words. That means expressing his feelings, affirming my actions and accomplishments, or complimenting me in some way. Words are the surest way to connect with me. My primary love language is words of affirmation. And I am not the only one who feels a strong connection and heart opening when hearing kind and loving words. When I feel disconnected, it always is because my partner and I had no opportunity to speak. However, that feeling of disconnect is remedied very quickly with a loving text, a phone call, or some time set aside to speak.

Gottman has shown the destructiveness of negative interactions in his research. He points out that it takes five positives comments to negate one negative. On the other hand, regular loving and understanding verbal interactions create something like an account of affection that we can draw on in challenging or stressful times.

Another love language is physical touch. If that is your primary love language you might reach out to your partner to touch, to hug or to hold hands. And it makes you feel safe, perhaps calms you down, to be touched. Without touch you tend to feel unappreciated, unloved or disconnected from your partner.

Your emotional love language

and the language of your spouse

may be as different

as Chinese from English.

Gary Chapman

Most of us are multilingual when it comes to expressing affection. We might speak two or three love languages quite well but we usually have a primary one that we will need to receive, or that we default to in terms of expressing our affection.

A third love language is the one of giving love through acts of service. You or your partner might cook fabulously, run the kids around when they need a ride, repair things around the house and so on. Or perhaps you primarily experiences being loved when spending quality time with your partner, a fourth love language.

The fifth love language is giving or receiving gifts. That was my mom’s love language when she wanted to show her affection. I always knew that a gift meant, “I am thinking of you, that’s why I bought you something”.  When working with clients I have occasionally come across the other person looking down onto the love language of gifts. They will say something like,  “I don’t want him to buy me something, I want ____”. And they fill in the blank with their love language which they perceive as “more meaningful”.

I often summarize the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman for my clients, in particular when someone sits in front of me who is deeply convinced their partner/parent/child does not love them, “not really in the way that they should.” The truth is that there is no right way to express love. However, there are these five love languages we all speak, some with more skill and enjoyment, others with less.

We have to keep in mind that everybody automatically expresses their affection in which ever way they have learned to and are most comfortable with. However, we can learn our partner’s love language and strive to speak it more, even if it does not come naturally to us. Since we are just dealing with different languages in this matter, we can make an effort to speak the other person’s language and we can appreciate the way in which they are expressing their affection.

It helps to figure out what your primary love language(s) is and which one(s) your partner uses. Compare them. Is it really true that they do not show you their love? Or are they just speaking a different love language?

I have had partners throughout my life who were not comfortable expressing emotions and were suspicious of hearing affirmations or compliments. Instead they had another primary language like Acts of Service or Giving Gifts. They would, for example, do something practical as their only expression of love, or they would buy me a gift. Sometimes it was hard for me to understand that their language was simply different. What if we could graciously accept a different love language while having an open conversation with our partner about what makes us feel most loved?

What is your preferred love language? Which language do you like to use; which do you like to receive? What is your partner’s love language? Your daughter’s or son’s? How can you learn to understand, or even speak, each other’s languages?

For Relationship Counselling contact Angelika

905-286-9466

greendoorrelaxation

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Life Changes

Life changes, such as a birth or a death, getting married, getting divorced or even moving house have a way of “throwing us off our routine”. We need to make a new start, find the equilibrium again. These events have a way of shaking our beliefs and challenging the way we think and feel.

Some of these events we tend to classify as “happy” or “joyous”, others as “sad” or “stressful”. Yet, they all have one thing in common, they bring change and potentially the experience of not being in control.

How do you deal with change? Do you thrive on change? Do you welcome it into your life? Do you go with the flow, take things as they come? Or do you want things to stay the same or predictable.Do you need to feel like you are always in control? Or can you let go of all detachments to a particular outcome?

How you feel is entirely due to your beliefs about yourself and the world.

I just had such a big life change myself, and like all these events that turn our life upside down, these changes are a beautiful gift to re-examine our life. It is a call to go inside and check in on what our feelings and needs are. Are we holding onto old beliefs that do not serve us well? Is the story you are telling working for you?

Do the new parents feel that they are capable and that life with the newborn will be full of joy? Or are there fears and worries clouding this amazing experience?

Does the family who has to say good-bye to a loved one hold beliefs to support them through this time of grieving? Are they able to communicate their emotions and continue the legacy of the person who has passed with gratitude rather than with regret, guilt or angst?

Do bride and groom start their married life together with confidence, and open communication skills? Are they able to be in touch with their vulnerable sides and to connect from that vulnerability?

Do the partners who separate come from a peaceful place and a loving heart to establish a successful co-parenting relationship? Or does anger and hurt cloud everything?

Does the family who moves into a new neighbourhood, or even moves to melt two families with this move, communicate their individual needs and find compromises for everybody to get what they require? Can they be open and non-judgmental with each other while they work out a new routine?

 

For Life Coaching, to change your subconscious beliefs with PSYCH-K® and to learn more successful ways of communication contact Angelika

greendoorrelaxation@yahoo.ca

905-286-9466